eat shit

eat shit

Typecasting is a horrible thing to do to someone. Who makes you judge and jury. No one assigned you to the highest level in the hierarchy. I know I am not completely innocent of this wrongdoing, but I am aware of my behaviour and am constantly trying to improve it. Earlier this morning I was classified to something I’m not and pretty much told I should be institutionalized. Albeit she was good with certain aspects, she was completely off over all. I am not crazy. I may act like a lunatic sometimes, but currently I am serving at my full capacity. Perhaps that little session was the jolt I needed to make a move on my life or go back to what I was doing. Apparently dreaming of not being an automaton who has to work the regular 9-5 is a crime against humanity. I should enjoy and treasure working for “the man” because I have bills to pay. According to this person, working is a wonderful aspect of life. Yuck…on top of my little hangover that thought is making me want to hurl. Listen lady, I want to fly like a bird, swim in the deep blue, and climb the highest mountain. Working for a living is not my idea of life. My perception of life is to live it like there is no tomorrow. Yes, it has its up and down days, but looking for the ultimate adventure is one of my highest priorities. FUCK YOU! You succeeded in making me feel miserable about myself for a good two hours but that is as far as I’ll let you go. EAT SHIT!

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space

space

My own mortality approaches. I can feel it breathing down my neck. The moments I have left here are fleeting; I am on borrowed time. Soon, very soon, death will come for me. Such a grim opening for a Monday, no? Well, what else should I have written about? In merely a few hours, I shall be older than dirt- well not quite, but close. Life is about the living, and right now, or at least at certain times, I feel like I am occupying valuable space. It feels like I should step aside for a more suitable candidate. Perhaps a candidate who would make more of its time than I have. Would I be acting so eh about everything if I knew for a fact that I only had a few days? Shouldn’t I be living for the moment instead of pondering if I can even step outside? What is this void I have and why can’t I seem to fill it? I am not satisfied anywhere. Nothing seems to make me happy enough to want to see it through. Would anything spark enough life in me to keep me going? My motivation is dwindling and I am fleeting away. Soon, I will be nothing but bones. What can people say about my life? Absolutely nothing. My accomplishments are pitiful in comparison to the ones I can be making if I had a muse or a passion. The little passion I have now seems to fade in and out. It doesn’t stay long enough for me to want to see the next day through. I am left alone. I wander the streets and I still can’t find what I am looking for. It is not at home and it is not in this torture island amusement park. Crap. Everything in my life turns to crap. By no means am I a Jill of all trades. I suck at almost everything I do.

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feeling the pinch

feeling the pinch

These past few weeks I have been definitely feeling the international money pinch. My pockets are emptier than ever. Money has never been one of my top driving forces, but I think that will soon change. I really can’t continue living like this. Everything is so expensive. In reality, it isn’t to me, but because I am not making any money, it sure does feel like it. If the dollar would only gain some value it would be great. Why is it dropping so much? Is this Bush’s doing? Crappola! A job, any job, is definitely needed in the near future. The problem I have is that I am overqualified to work at a bar. Don’t really think I am, but once they look at my resume they won’t even give me a shot because I have no real “physical work” experience. I would so love to be a dog walker right now. Don’t mind picking up the poop or playing with the pup. Whenever I’ve applied to work in customer service type jobs, I never get them. Yeah, so I don’t really like people much, but I’ll fake it if I need the money badly enough.

As I’ve mentioned above, I’ve been here now a few weeks. Besides the money issues, I’m enjoying my little adventure. It doesn’t seem much like it though. I do the same thing I used to do back home. School is ok. I am slowly getting the hang of it and it is almost ending as well. Will definitely be sad when classes are over. I would really like to be doing more stuff, but with the lack of funds that is a major no-no. I am trying to conserve the little that I have now, which because of this whole dollar thing isn’t much.

Eh! Life, what can I do about it? Crying won’t help much, so I just have to keep on trucking.

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catch-up

catch-up

I have abandoned you terribly. I apologize for this. It wasn’t my intent to leave you behind, but several events have prevented me from writing. No, these events are not major. They are mostly little mundane stuff that I need to take care of, and they are not of major importance. It just seems that unless I make sure the wheels are moving and people are doing their jobs, shit just won’t get done. Little stuff people, little itty-bitty stuff that you can take care of on your own. Seriously, I’ve been running my own business. Almost every day I am on a major emailing spree. Contacting this person and the other, you would think I’m getting paid for all this stuff. In any case, for the most part, I’ve been stressed. All these things are taking a toll on me. I do have moments to sit down and drink tea, but nothing seems to calm me down for a breather. Hmph!

One of the major things stressing me out right now is money matters and mostly the lack of it. I’ve been looking at my paperwork and I’ve been taxed heavily this year. Where in the world was this money taken from? How have I even managed to pay all that? Really, where is my representation? I say if I am being taxed, I most certainly need proper representation. Darn governments bleeding me dry. Do they think I actually have money? Where do I even come up with this money? I’ve managed to survive for this long, but I am starting to question how. It almost seems impossible that I have managed to live in two of the top ten most expensive cities in the world. Not only have I managed to live there, but I have also lived in some of the most expensive areas. How? Living in cheaper more distant areas won’t fix my problems, so how do I manage? It is just another entry for the stress log.

To conclude, I just want to say that I am acclimating more now. Slitting my wrists is far from my memory now. I’m still not feeling connected to my environment and that is a serious problem because I also wasn’t connected in New York. When will these feelings go away? I want to feel whole, with all my limbs properly attached. Another thing I have noticed is that I tend to complicate everything in my life. I really think this has hindered me educationally. Even with this handicap I have managed to survive. Hmmm, if I would’ve realized this sooner perhaps I would’ve been an A student all he way. If only…..

I shall end here and I hope to write more frequently.

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