map of the us

map of the us

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I’m a traveler. I love to travel. Traveling is fun. When I plan for trips, I get excited. I feel like all is right with the world. I not only travel in my home state but I travel the world. Sadly, I don’t know much about the United States of America; a country comprised of fifty lovely states and its territories. Whenever I travel abroad, I always tell myself that I want to see America; the real America, not just my own city—the sides of America. I want to see the oddities that people see alongside highways. I want to see a freeway. I want to see America. America the beautiful, she has beautiful territories/states from sea to shinning sea. I want to see the Pacific Ocean on the American coast. I travel abroad and they call me an American but I don’t know what America really is. I want to see states full of Republicans. I want to see trailer parks. I want to see Nashville, TN. To be quite honest, I’ve been dying to see Nashville. I love country music (which is something not appreciated in my state). SO seeing as I accomplish all (or most) the goals I set forth, I want to set this one and achieve it with flying stars- fifty to be exact. My goal: In 2010, I want to see ALL fifty states of the United States of America. I want to start from scratch. I’ve seen about eleven states already but I’m going to start new, with a fresh clean slate map. I’m going to be posting about the states I’ve visited and post pictures. Internet world out there, please comment on what I should see in your state. I’m going to need tons of help. I don’t have my driver’s license so it’s going to be tough. Ha. It’s a challenge I accept though. Here’s to my journey. I want a life worth living. I want adventures through and through. My life thus far has been composed of many anxious moments and I want to stop that. I want to enjoy every moment and stop thinking about the world and my future. Ultimately, I’m only here for a few moments, I might as well enjoy the ride. Join me in my journey.

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as we howl

as we howl

I’m letting it out once and for all. I’m not going to cry about any more. I’m tired but not so tired. I need to move on and not focus on you and what you are doing and not doing. Our time has passed and therefore I should move on. It’s harder said than done but I need to force myself to do so. I’m stuck. I’m stuck in limbo waiting for a return to what I thought was safe and secure. You’ve moved on. You’re looking fine. It seems you’re living your life as best as you can. You certainly aren’t skipping a beat. You’re dancing and laughing. You’re showing the world who you are and what you have. I need to do the same for myself. Let’s face it. I live in my own worst nightmare, a nightmare of my own creation. I sit and cry and stare. I stare at the fun things you’re are doing and imagine myself beside you. I weep for loss time. I weep for our past. You’ve moved on. I have not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but for some reason I can’t. It’s the masochism in me. Why can’t I just be macho and move on? I need it. You’ve obviously done it without as much as a wink. Guess you weren’t that into me after all. I weep. I weep. I weep for once was. I weep for what could’ve been. I continue on my life journey looking back at you. Waiting to reopen that door, a door you shut on my face. Thanks for that. Thanks for not giving us a shot. I look at the skies and imagine my life up there. Unfortunately, I’ve always felt that my life was to be a solitary confinement. I was to be confined by lots of riches but no one to share it with. It’s my destiny. A destiny I’ve chosen for myself. A destiny to protect me from the hurt and sorrow I’ve felt. Reliving the past is not fun at all. Looking at your Facebook pictures just rips me up inside… just a little. A little rip each day is what I give myself from looking at those pictures. As I mentioned before, I’m a little masochistic over you. The great Britney Spears said it best “I’m a slave for you.” I wish I was no longer enslaved with you. I want to be happy and free. Is that so darn hard? Thanks. You’re probably not reading this but I write anyway. I write to let it out. I’ve always had trouble identifying my feelings…emotions…whatever you call them. I’ve never been privy to what they are and what they try to tell me. I lie. I’ve always ignored them. I stuff them in a box deep down inside. I don’t want to see or feel them. They disgust me for being so weak, emotional, and human. I’ve always been disgusted by human emotions and pain. The fortified brick wall that surrounds me is cool. I like sitting up against it. In the summer time it keeps me cool. The sun doesn’t penetrate me. In the winter time, it keeps the frigid air and snow out. Did I mention that I like the winter? It’s one of my best seasons because it is darker for a long time. The light bothers me. It blinds me. You liked the summer time. I like the winter time. I get to play in the winter. I get to walk the streets while everyone is scared and in a hole at home. They hibernate and party. I let out a huge howl. I rejoice.

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a wagging tail

a wagging tail

I narrowly escaped the volcanic eruption over Iceland. I’m very thankful that my flight was two days before the volcano erupted. Unfortunately, not many people can say the same. As thousands continue to be stranded, the world is more or less at a stand still with Mother Nature. Although my flight across the Atlantic was successful, a flight for the Polish president (Mr Lech Kaczynski), the first lady (Mrs Maria Kaczynska), and others didn’t have such a happy ending. As Poland mourns for its leader, many around the world continue to live their lives undisturbed. I’m not saying that we should stop living our lives for someone’s death but a little more respect should definitely be given. What I find most surreal about this unfortunate situation is that I haven’t heard much about it. When Michael Jackson, a mere pop icon, passed away, the world stood still. Isn’t that sad? I think it is. The world stops for a singer but not for country’s leader. I can’t comment on the President’s leadership but regardless the world should show more respect. Or so I think.

My stress levels keep rising. I’m anxious and stressed. I’m stressed over my unsuccessful dog adoption procedure. I never thought it would take this long to adopt a dog or find the right one. Being the dog lover that I am I would take any dog but the behaviorists don’t agree. They want to find a good match for the dog, which I am very grateful for. These people take the time to get it right. Unfortunately, their match finding criteria mean I have to keep searching and searching. I cried last night. I took a trip to the humane society and the ASPCA and saw two possible dogs. When I asked to meet with them, they behaviorist said they weren’t good matches for me. One didn’t belong in the city and the other one howled too much for apartment living. I submitted applications for fostering and I have three dogs to check out before I stop being so active in the search. This dog search is draining. If I were to be on the Suze Orman show she would tell me I can’t even afford a dog so why am I even looking. I know I can’t afford things with credit card debt but if I wait for the credit card debt to be zero I’ll have lived a very boring life. I understand the need to fix finances but at what cost? My sanity? My life? I can honestly tell you that I’d be too stressed worried about getting the right numbers. I was stressed about getting the right numbers. I stopped living to make it right. I STOPPED LIVING TO MAKE THE NUMBERS RIGHT. Is that what it’s all about? Cutting back so much that I end up becoming a shut in with the lights off and the TV off all in efforts to save money and get on the black of things? I’m sorry. I’ve been doing that and it only depresses me more. I’d rather live my life than try every second to be in black. Clearly I’m angry today. I’m disappointed today. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling beaten. BUT good news, I have defense mechanisms that always make me “fix myself”. I always end up looking at what I can “fix” in myself so that I won’t feel so bad. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it technically is a good avenue- better than sinking to drugs and alcohol; but it’s a curse because I don’t deal with things properly. Oh well.

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yes i'm insulted

yes i'm insulted

So it’s all or nothing, huh? I can’t have an in between; some intermediate speed? Why? Why does it have to be super speed? Why can’t I just take my time?

SO the week started out hectic. I was trying to save a life. I did my best. I went to the shelter twice this week. I met the dog. The dog was exactly what the description said plus a few extras, i.e., severe food aggression, a cold, and an ear infection. I came to the shelter with an open mind. I went to assess the situation. Weighing the pros and cons, as well as my own novice experience, I decided to forego it. It was in the dog’s best interest to have a pack leader that knew what it was doing and I wasn’t it. I could deal with “regular” dogs but not aggressive dogs. It was a dominant breed and because it had severe fear issues I felt I could rehabilitate it. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. The dog showed signs of improving but it was hard for me to find it a home. SO I told the rescue group I couldn’t proceed. It hurt to make this decision but from the talk I had with the person whose dealt most with the dog, it seems the dog has been taken of the euthanasia list more than once. It was mostly based on that decision. People were interested or else the dog would’ve been dead. I felt like a Peta protestor for a few days. I decided to keep the focus on myself (not to be selfish but to be realistic). I’m going on vacation. Personally, I think it’s wrong to make a commitment and bail at the first chance you get. I felt badly “saving” the dog only to dump it off on my friends while I was away. Well, apparently looking at the situation realistically wasn’t that nice. I haven’t heard from the rescue group. Clearly, they were only looking to save a life, not to see if it was a good fit. They kept pushing this dog on me even knowing that I’ve never truly had a dog for more than a week. The pulled out all the stops and I saw several red flags that at first I ignored. Why can’t I tell the shelter the rescue group is covering the costs? Why did you choose to ignore the fact that the dog has “severe food aggression”? When we first spoke you informed me that the dog was not a fearful biter. You lied. The shelter said it did. You tell me the shelter is exaggerating. I’m stuck in the middle. I choose to do what was best for me and what I thought was best for the dog. The shelter is one opposite and you are the other. I tried. I must inform you that I felt insulted that you didn’t even acknowledge my email. I was giving it a good go and by not responding with at least an “OK” it makes it seem a bit as an insult. I made a decision that you didn’t like and you quickly turned on me. It’s like when customers go into a store and as soon as the sales associate knows you are not interested they become a Jekyll/Hyde person. No need to be rude. What would Emily Post say to your lack of manners? In any case, I write to let out the insult I am feeling.

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hamilton's rule in application

hamilton's rule in application

I’m caught in a whirlwind, tornado, and tsunami. I’m trying to be a decent human being. I’m trying to save the world. Meanwhile, I’m losing control. I have taken the focus off myself to my own detriment. It’s led to a detrimental state of mind and spirit. In efforts to help another being, I’m lessening my own chances of a healthy state of mind. Providing support to another does require that less be provided for you but this seems like an extreme case. Helping you shouldn’t be a dangerous thing to me. If the costs outweigh the benefits, it’s detrimental and should be avoided. The altruistic behavior shouldn’t cost more than the benefit. Is this Hamilton’s rule in action? Perhaps. I don’t know anymore. I’m trying to regain footing. It’s hard. Its gut wrenching and making me feel guilty. You need a calm and assertive individual to help you out. Two nails can’t help each other. One anxiety prone individual isn’t much help to another anxiety prone individual. What can I do? I don’t know what to do? I’m being torn from limb-to-limb. Some say you may tear me limb-to-limb. I have to look out for my own health. I’m trying to save your health but then who’s looking out for mine. You have people looking out for you. I have me. If I don’t help me, I’m stuck. You have your cute puppy dog eyes. I have just me. I’m sorry. I have just me. I’m trying to look out for you as well. I took the extreme opinions out of the equation. I focused on what I can provide for you. I’m inexperienced. Yes, experience comes with delving into things but I’m still inexperienced. You need help; experienced help. I wish I could help but I can’t. I have a life. This is tough. I have to move forward. I have this little girl inside of me to look after. She has plans. She only has me to take care of her. It’s me and my inner me. You have you and other people. I’m sorry.

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