Chupa Chups

where there is a will, there is a way

In a short days time, I will be in Dublin, Ireland. My pot o’ gold and my four leaf clover await me over there. Have I mentioned how excited I am? To be honest, I am not as excited as I should be, but I will get there soon enough. I am hoping to take lots of pictures so my friend could see what she missed out on. Hopefully, it will inspire her to arrange her travel plans instead of letting all that money go to waste. In any case, travelling with people is awesome and wonderful, but if circumstances don’t permit, I am still going to go. At this stage in my life, waiting for people could mean waiting an eternity. Besides bills and family obligations, people also have jobs and careers to think about before they decide to conquer the world. I, on the other hand, want to travel as much as possible. Who knows where I will be tomorrow? I may not have much funds, but it is surely enough to get me to the other side of the road. What happens at the other end is up to fate. Yeah, I feel the excitement rush through me now. It is my inner self coming out slowly but surely. Gosh, I missed her. I may not know where life may lead me, but I do know a few pit stops I would like to have. Money is just a means to certain things, your heart is the main driving force in everything. Just like the saying: “where there is a will, there is a way” or however it goes. Optimistic travel is what I am. Traveling to catch a glimpse of the goodness all around the world. A smile a day goes a very long way. Sorry with all this cheerfulness, but last night I saw the secret. Hey, if it works for some, why not me. Have faith.

what a world i weave

It has become unpleasantly and evidently clear to me that in my efforts to create an “in” group, where I am one of the center members, and thus excluding some (although not actively), I end up being the outcast and the loner. In my small (about 20 member) program, I thought I could create a cool group with some individuals. While unsuccessfully trying to befriend the majority of the full time members, I feel like the biggest outcast. After class I see how the majority of them either pair up or form triplets and go about their merry way. It saddens me and leaves me wondering why I am not apart of those groups, even as an occasional member. I don’t believe I am the worst person to associate with. At first, I just thought it was because we come from different backgrounds, but after seeing someone with a similar background to mine adjust well, I am beginning to think I am to blame. It troubles me to think that my life will continue to be this way. I don’t want to be the eternal outcast. Yes, it is fun and educational at times, but it is always lonely. I am at odds as to remedy the situation. Now that I have acknowledged what I do, how do I reconcile it? Writing it down and talking to people about it is one way, but I want more lucrative strategies. I know that most of what I do depends on me, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. Ugh. I really hate that most of my time is spent bitching about life and how I have failed as an individual. I would like to write about the great things in life like spring, skiing, etc. Like Senor Ryan Seacrest, bitching session out.

am i getting better?

The words unique, courageous, and independent are commonly used to describe me. Often I take pride in being associated with these words, but on occasion I feel as if they are used to chastise me. The mere fact of my “independent” nature leads people to believe that I don’t need the common, simple things most people seek for- love, help or a shoulder to cry on. When did being strong and confident in one area mean that I am an all-around person? I do have my sad and helpless days. Like everyone on this planet, I yearn for some sense of direction and affection. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. To my dismay, I am not supposed to ask for those things. My “panic attacks” are just my delusions. I should not cry or ask for help because that hasn’t been a persistent trait in my character. However, when others need to cry and question the world, I am supposed to shut up and listen and not judge them hypocritical for not listening to me. The irony is that whenever I need to shout out my paranoid concerns about my life, everyone just pushes me aside as if “I’ll take care of that later because that is not important now.” I am certain that if I did that to them they wouldn’t be as forgiving as I have been or claim to be. I guess this is how most resentments build up, huh? Well, I am sort of done with all that. With my resourcefulness and my independent nature, I have sought ways to cope with these feelings. Right now, I would say that I am about 20 to 30 per cent better. When I see people going through the meltdowns I went through, I just breathe and reassert myself that I am not alone or crazy. Although they may have others or me as an outlet, I know what it feels like. I won’t lie, it completely sucks going through these things alone. Most times, I just hate that I usually have to face these things alone, especially when I have recently started to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the ways to actually get over these feelings, right? People are supposed to be open to help others, right? So, where the heck is my support group? There are no real solutions or answers in life. You just make the best of a bad situation or at least that’s what I learned, the hard way.

another tirade

My return to academia was supposed to be an enlightening time; a time spent focusing my life and my future goals. Instead, it has turned out to be a hell of a journey. While I am becoming enlightened and focusing on life, I am also feeling inundated, useless, and a mere accumulation of spare parts. Here I have this brain, which in all theory is one of the ultimate defining factors between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, and I feel like I am just wasting it away. Ultimately, I feel like a sack of potatoes on the couch. Watching my life pass by me is no fun. What is even less fun is watching others live their lives around me. While I may believe that my life has been filled with wonderful things, in actuality, it is about a quarter filled of what it should be. Often when my mind wanders, I imagine myself travelling to the deepest depths of the world, discovering new cultures, and overall experiencing life. In my imaginary floating ship, I see myself with an abundance of curiosity and ambition. The life I live is one of endless possibility. One day I am studying to be an aviator and the next I am running in a marathon. These all seem like wonderful dreams, but when it comes down to it, they are merely dreams. I put no pencil-to-paper. My ambition levels when it comes time to actually do the work depletes so rapidly I feel physically drained as if I just did a full workout. Hence, I feel the need to constantly relax and continue my endless tirade of procrastination. One of the only things that seem to keep me focused, at least for a few hours, are energy drinks. But, should my life be all about drinking energy drinks to function? Should I medicate myself to maintain my levels of ambition? It should go without mention that I am seriously against all medications for myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, some medications are necessary, but being medicated to do simple functions is something I don’t want to be about. For instance, it is like the argument to prolong life. Do you really want to stay alive just to be a vegetable? I would, but I wouldn’t want drugs ruling my every waking moment. I know it seems hypocritically. I am all for people prolonging their life with drugs, after all it is their prerogative. But for me, there are only a few instances when I would except it for me. However, I would prefer the choice than not having it at all. I guess that is what living in a “radically free society” is all about. For now, this is the end of my tirade and my wallowing, that is, until next time.

another blow to the heart

It seems I am in the habit of picking guys who are seriously unavailable. Whether it be that they are just immature or involved with someone, it just seems I know how to pick them. At this moment, my heart is in a bit of shambles over an email received from a former crush. Although the crush is mostly gone, the torch still lures from time to time. Well, I guess that torch has been put out by the email. It seems that a little valentine heart, which I sent to about fifteen other people, has caused some drift with him and his GIRLFRIEND. Ugh, it is absolutely one of the worst ways to hear about it. I really don’t know what to reply. It was some silly little application, which I sent to a few people. How the heck am I ever going to talk to this person? I feel like I have done nothing wrong. It was merely an innocent little thing. Besides my heart being a bit broken, I feel bad that it caused something between his girlfriend and him.

For what it is worth, I feel like running all over again and wallowing in self-pity. Although running doesn’t seem to solve the problem, it sure helps to get away from it a bit. Gosh, I can’t believe I am letting this get to me. I guess it is more of the fact that I barely get it. I am always crushing or wanting those who are unavailable. In reality, I am just tired. I am tired of hoping I’ll meet prince charming. I know Hollywood and Disney created this whole big notion of a wonderful being and your perfect mate and that there probably isn’t one, but you still have hope. Overall, I believe is the only thing that keeps you going. Crap. I have to run again. How in the world am I going to face this kid? I have about two months of “interaction” left. Hopefully, it won’t be a big deal.

Whenever I get devastating blows like this, besides running, I also just want to focus on the things I know how to focus on, and that’s school/work/myself. I through myself into the things I can “control” and push aside those which I can’t. I hope to build myself stronger in my other areas so that my weaknesses in others won’t be so much of a deal. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to do this and must face reality.

onto the new year

Happy New Year! We have entered 2008, and I must say, I am a very excited laddette. I am praying that this year will bring tons of serenity and joy into my life. Lord baby jesus knows I need it. Peace to the world is also amongst the top priorities for the year, but we cannot really hold our breathes on that. Christmas flew by, not too much to say there. I spent it with the family and it wasn’t too bad. I actually enjoyed some of it. However, I didn’t get any presents- well, I don’t think lotion counts. I was glad to see the family. They weren’t as bad as I remembered them. Now I just need to look forward to the life that is ahead of me. I am really going to try my hardest to lose some of my old habits. I so desperately want to develop more healthy and productive ones. What’s on my agenda for the year?
- Finish school
- Start my career
- Begin the hunt for the next big love
- Settle down in an apartment (for at least two years)
- Become a nicer human being (don’t you love that this isn’t even a top priority)
- Try to grow both emotionally and physically (always have hope for that one)
- Become an outstanding human

That’s how far as I’ve gotten. Let’s see if I can accomplish all of them. Peace, love, and beauty to you all.

rain again, but I won't let that stop me

Do not worry for I have not abandoned you. I am still here. Actually, come next Tuesday I will be back home! I am uber excited for that. I cannot wait to see the big ol’ red, white, blue, and dirty. The smell of stinky cabbies and dirty train platforms are a luxury I took for granted. I plan to inhale as much toxicity as possible; it may be a long time before I return.

Speaking of returns and travels, I have been considering moving out of this depressing shit hole to possibly move to Paris or Barcelona/Madrid. I need some more excitement than what this stuffy town can afford. I am well aware that no matter where I go I will have to respect the laws, but still anything would be a slight step better. Although I used to love the dark skies and rainy days, over here they just have too much of it. Once in a while I would like to see the sun. It wasn’t all that bad from what I remember.

Besides another possible move, I have decided to stop running from life. I am tired of being the one shit-out-of-luck. I want to just live a normal life. Being an automaton is not my idea of fun, but I have been considering doing the necessary and adding more fun into my life. If something positive – like new friends or boyfriends – come from it than so be it. The little dark hole I have created for myself throughout the years is finally beginning to suffocate me. I need light, air, and people.
Among the things I am planning on doing are:

-Flight school
-Learning new languages
-Pottery classes
-Photography classes
-Improving my writing
-Improving my skiing and boarding
-Learning how to surf
-Traveling
-Learn how to drink coffee
-Cooking school
-Home improvements

here I am again

Where am I today on November 29th, 2007? Today on this warm November morning, I am at either a crossroad or at the end of my life as I have come to know it. One thing that I can never forget is that I am always wrong. No matter how right or justified I think I am, I am not. Someone will always have the upper hand on me. I will forever be under someone else’s control. I have to learn to sit, stand, and speak on command. Free speech and thought don’t belong to me. Although I have been taught to do all these things, I am not supposed to use them. The biggest irony is that everyone is okay with this and that is why they have normal lives. I, on the other hand, have always been against it and have rebelled. How has that worked for me? Not so well. I have managed to survive this long, but apparently I refuse to read the dozens of memos people send me on the subject. To live a normal and quiet life, you have to adhere to everyone’s rules. You, as an individual and as an entity with a school or place of employment, do not exist. Although there is a displayed list of the rights given to you, let’s get real you don’t really have them. Should you choose to act on these rights, you will be strongly reprimanded. You will be the outcast on the island. Adhere to society or be gone with you. So, what am I to do? Do as they say. What other options am I left with? I have been told repeatedly that I am in the wrong. I will never be in the right. I’ve been continuously chastised for doing what I feel like doing. It is time to throw in the towel for me.

Why such not-so-pleasant words? Do you remember the meeting with the dean this morning? As I had predicted, it was not about winning a million dollars. It was because of something “wrong” I had done. Apparently, I am a representative of the school and I am to be as servile and pleasant to all I come in contact with. Should I have a problem, I am to sit on it and suck my thumb. In no instance am I to actually have any negative thoughts or spoken words. I am now ordered to write up a letter about how wrong I am and how I will never do what I did again. Of course, this letter must be submitted within a week or face other disciplinary actions. Will do, Chief? Is there anything else I can do for you today?

So, what do I do? If I fight this, I will be wrong and eventually end up losing even bigger. I will just deal with this how I always deal with everything, not well. It will stew in my core until it will come out on an innocent bystander. Here I go again, I am at the exact same place I always put myself in. I could complain and go on and on about how justified I was, but in the end no one cares. I am the one committing the offense, not them. It will always be my word over the world and the world never loses. The bigger question is where do I go from here? Besides writing that letter, what else do I do with my life? I keep facing the same question and yet have no answer to it. I really hope that one day I will get that answer. Perhaps this could be that day, but who knows. To be quite honest, I feel exactly like Dexter Morgan from Dexter. He has a monster inside which he has to keep hidden from the world. The only difference between him and I is that he succeeds at acting normal and keeping the monster at bay. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to do what he does. Not kill people, but put on this big act for everyone to believe I am one of them.

things are slowly happening, but happening

Today was another early morning for me, and it wasn’t too bad at all—I did lag behind slightly, but eventually picked up, as did the day. I attended a lecture by a perspective supervisor for my thesis and it was awesome. The whole class was so interesting, but in a way too crammed for two hours. She, in a way, turned me down. However, she did agree to consult on my thesis, which is better than nothing.
Tomorrow marks the big day for me; it is the day that I have been requested to meet with the dean. Who knows why he wants to see me, but I am very pessimistic about it. There is no way it is about my work because I haven’t handed in any this year—not because I intentionally didn’t, but because we haven’t been required to do so. I seriously doubt it is about something good, like being accepted as a PhD student or money. It has to be about something bad. I really hope I don’t get kicked out of the program an the school. Worrying is no good for my health, so I’ll end it with that there.
Besides meeting with the dean, I also have to present for my class, have a practical review for my test next week, and meet up with people for a play in the evening. It will most certainly be a very action packed day. In many ways, I’m excited for it, but oh so stressed about it. Hopefully everything will run as smoothly as possible.
And, in sum for what else is happening in my life, I will be going back home soon, so need to get on top of booking my flight. It would be a whole lot simpler if I would have the money to do it. Although I can always charge the airfare, it would be much nicer to know that I do for a fact have the money. Things just need to speed up in that end because I also have to pay my fees before I board.

Well….off to my photography lesson, which I am uber excited about. Lets see if it actually happens this time.

college life

College life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. To make money, the college student often finds themselves poked with infra-red lights in the eye just to make a few bucks. I should know first hand because that is exactly what the second study I volunteered for was all about. They measured my visual perception by poking my eye with infra-red lights. For one hour and for a mere 10 pounds, I was someone’s lab rat. I feel a bit dirty, but oh well. The lovely face of a crisp 10 bill is all I really need to cheer me up. The week before that I also participated in a study. Although there were no laser beams attacking my eyes, I did have to wake up early yet again just to be a lab rat. Ugh. The troubles of being a lab rat. You think we would have a union, but we don’t.
In other news, will be returning to New York in just a few weeks. I really can’t wait. It will probably be my same life over again, but at least this time I won’t have the same responsibilities. I get to have fun! I plan to party like there is no tomorrow. I have even started looking for party dresses. The only one thing I have to do is visit my mom, and of course, spend Christmas with them. The rest of the two week vacation will just be me maxing and relaxing in the good NYC.

PS There is this yucky kid in the computer lab who keeps clearing his throat and coughing. It is a bit disgusting. I mean I know he can’t control it, but his wheezing is giving me the hee-bee-jee-bees (sp?).

Oh no you don't.

This effing woman has done it again. I haven’t spoken or seen her today and yet she has ruined my day. How does she do that? How is she even allowed to practice her craft? Can you call what she does craft? Listen lady, I am not crazy. I have never been crazy. Because a person wants to come in and talk to someone about her stress, doesn’t mean she is certifiable. Yes, I have been going through a tough time adjusting, but I have been doing it. Really, what are you using my money for? To wipe your ass? You are definitely not doing a fine job at that because you still stink. Eff you and your whole system. How dare you? When things like the above happen, I just really wish I was rich enough to make people disappear.

You know what, eff her. I will not let her ruin my day. I will have an effing productive day. I have a paper and a test to prepare for. Also, I have to figure out this whole loan business. It has been three months and I only have one of my loans. Hopefully the other one comes in time. Ugh. How do I fix things in my life so they run as smoothly as possible? Dreaming of good times is all I have left and sometimes that is even hard to do. It seems like one thing after another here. I haven’t had one good moment to just relax without something going wrong the next day. I really don’t know how much I can take of this. My stress levels are through the roof and my body is taking the heaviest beating. My poor little body is going to give out on me. You know what, I just need to stay focused. I can’t let little things like this a-hole woman bother me. I have bigger fish to fry. Let her be Count Dracula all she wants. You won’t suck my blood anymore. I NEED IT!

….

This little girl has to shift her life in a new direction. I would like to learn photography. Learn how to finally play the violin and the flute. Travel to other places. Start off my career. Learn to cook properly. Create a beautiful adobe for myself. Have serenity and love. Be at peace with myself and the world. The end for now.

Forgive me father for it has been about three weeks since my last confession.

Seeing as my last post was ages ago, I will gladly admit to being one of the worst bloggers ever. To my defense, if you can consider it much of one, I’ve just been going through a lot of rough patches with adjusting to my new surroundings. Yes, at times it may seem like I’m adjusting fine, but other times it can be a nightmare. I am trying so hard to reach a calm and serene place in my life. In all honesty, I think most of my adjusting problem has to do with my procrastination on trying to move forward with my life. Sometimes it is just so darn easy to be an inactive member of society than it is to be an active one. For what it is worth, I hope to be blogging more frequently.

peace of mind

After a not-so-good Monday, it appears I am back in good spirits. Hopefully the week will run smoother than Monday did. The one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that I am sometimes powerless over certain people and things. Once that sinks in, I’ll be able to move forward with a calmer frame of mind. I won’t want to control everything that happens around me because ultimately I can’t; sometimes all I can do is just react. My reaction should be the thing I should try to control or I guess have under control. Not everything is hopeless and I have to keep reminding myself that. Because I want to really believe that there is hope out there for me, wherever it may be. Life can be very turbulent at times, but it is during these times that you gain so much perspective on yourself and the world around you. I haven’t hit rock, rock bottom, but I have been going through a difficult time. In all honesty, I don’t buy that “cultural shock” bull shit. Yes, this is a whole new continent, new people, and pretty much new everything. However, I wasn’t fully aware of my world back home. Yes, I did have certain knowledge of things, but I wasn’t a know-it-all by any means. I still have loads to learn. Being in a different country is not my major problem. The problem lies within me. It is something I must work at. Trying to fix my environment won’t solve anything. I am the one I carry with me every where. I am the person responsible for all the happiness, joys, and sorrows. Yes, people may affect my life, but I cannot let them control it. Peace of mind and overall serenity is what I need.

eat shit

Typecasting is a horrible thing to do to someone. Who makes you judge and jury. No one assigned you to the highest level in the hierarchy. I know I am not completely innocent of this wrongdoing, but I am aware of my behaviour and am constantly trying to improve it. Earlier this morning I was classified to something I’m not and pretty much told I should be institutionalized. Albeit she was good with certain aspects, she was completely off over all. I am not crazy. I may act like a lunatic sometimes, but currently I am serving at my full capacity. Perhaps that little session was the jolt I needed to make a move on my life or go back to what I was doing. Apparently dreaming of not being an automaton who has to work the regular 9-5 is a crime against humanity. I should enjoy and treasure working for “the man” because I have bills to pay. According to this person, working is a wonderful aspect of life. Yuck…on top of my little hangover that thought is making me want to hurl. Listen lady, I want to fly like a bird, swim in the deep blue, and climb the highest mountain. Working for a living is not my idea of life. My perception of life is to live it like there is no tomorrow. Yes, it has its up and down days, but looking for the ultimate adventure is one of my highest priorities. FUCK YOU! You succeeded in making me feel miserable about myself for a good two hours but that is as far as I’ll let you go. EAT SHIT!