Chupa Chups

limps, exams, and East

Boo-yah! I totally kicked ass in my exam this morning. Although it took me a while, about fifteen minutes worth, I totally came from behind left field to win the pendant. My hand is in pain now, but it is so worth it because I am so getting an A+….ok, I’ll be slightly modest, A! I’m fantabulous. That exam was a sure fire A for me, I don’t care about the different grading systems, I gave it my all and that paper was awesome. It may have been flawed here or there, but still it won’t deter from my A.

*****

In other news, I am almost done with this thesis, not the actual book I have to hand in, but the coursework; only my presentation and essay left. It seems surreal, but I really can’t wait to get started on my next stage in life, whatever that is. What I do know is that I’ll be joining a kibbutz in Israel this summer. I am so excited to be going to the Middle East, hopefully I will make it back in one peace. Traveling to such religious historic places will be sure to bring about me some spiritual inspirations. One of my main goals is to have a better spiritual understanding, besides having an amazing time. Who knows what lies ahead of me, all I know is that I am ready to embrace it—limping and all.

And, in other, other news, I’m limping. Due to some strenuous running, I’ve been limping for about three days now. Today feels a whole lot better than yesterday but the pain is still there. Looks like my marathon training sessions will have to take a back seat to my recovery. I actually received an email regarding early entry opportunities for the London marathon and am contemplating signing up. I really want to do the New York marathon, but who knows, perhaps the London one could be a warm up. I need more medals, DAMMIT!

Well peace in the Middle East for now. Outtie 5000.

April showers

Saturdays can sometimes be fun days, especially when it rains all day long. Well, I’m pretty sure not many will agree with me on that one, but I love it when it rains because it just makes you reflect. Earlier today, when it hailed, it looked so beautiful outside. The streets were all empty and the ice produced such lovely melodies on my window sill. I, practicing my good hygiene, decided to floss while looking at the passersby and the traffic. Moments like these are precious. The whole entire time, while I was flossing, I was just wondering how many people out there could notice me flossing and what they would think of this crazy person flossing in front of the window. Ha. As the day progressed and the torrential downpours started, I couldn’t wait to go outside. I put on my galoshes and headed out into the world. Feeling mildly optimistic, I was excited to know that I had a place to be. I was even more excited to arrive early to take a look at this book that was loaned to me. It seems like it may be able to put certain things in perspective for me. When I arrived at my destination, I felt all gleeful knowing that others were already there and others were slowly trickling in. It was great to feel people’s auras. Throughout the meeting, I just became happier as the minutes passed. For some reason, I was super. I felt empowered. I felt like I finally had some purpose in life. I couldn’t wait to get started on my goals. When the meeting ended, I stayed behind to help out and chat with others. It felt good to know that certain people were OK. In a way, I felt like a motivational speaker because I told this woman to scream and shout if she wanted to. She was entitled to her feelings and I let her know so. When I left, I stopped by the local grocery because I was parched. Stopped into a stationer and purchased my third flash drive ever; I just keep losing those suckers. As I went along, I stopped in this kitchen store and fell in love with some flatware and dishware. When I exited the store I noticed a rather familiar individual. An individual that I assumed was far gone by the time I left the meeting. Pleasantly surprised, he didn’t attempt to interact with me. It is not that I don’t like him, it’s just that he creeps me out. Often, instead of walking home, I take the bus because I am afraid he may follow me one day. When I noticed we were walking in the same direction, I quickly turned a corner. I definitely didn’t want to bump into him and have him attempt anything. I tried my hardest to lose him. Yes, a wee bit psychotic of me, but so worth it. Now I know why I totally need 24 hour security service. The dude looks like such a stalkerazzi. Eventually I know he’ll talk to me but until then I am safe. Feeling all empowered for the next half hour, I started reading the book my friend loaned me. Unfortunately, when I got home, I couldn’t stop eating. I started losing my motivation and eventually took a nap. Hopefully the jolt from this Red Bull will give me the strength I need to recover some of my lost day.

On a totally unrelated subject, a friend of mine will be visiting in about three weeks time. I honestly don’t know how this little visit will pan out. Generally I get tired of him within the first few hours. Since he’ll be staying with me, I’ll have to experience all his good and bad qualities for a whole week. I am hoping to maintain my serenity and joy while he is in town. Often when he is near or when I speak to him, I just tend to revert to evil ways of thinking and acting. I really don’t want to do it, but he has wonderful ways of getting it out of me. Unfortunately, he has also perfected his ways of manipulating me. I am hoping to stay strong while he is in town. God help me.

seeking serenity and humility

So the major breakdown, or meltdown for me, is that my roommate got engaged. Although I should be happy for her and wishing her well, I just can’t seem to muster it up in me. One minute she is my sweet little girl on the best path to life and then all of a sudden she took a dead-end detour. She showed such promise. Why can’t I be happy for her? She is finally happy and I can’t seem to be happy for her. Her parents seem OK with him now, although they did hold some initial reservations about him. Why? WHY? WHY?! Is it this hard for me to be happy for her? I can be excited over the minutest thing, but this big part of her life, I can’t. This worrisome (I can’t believe it) feeling has to be something deep within me. Certain couples I can be extremely happy for while others just seem so dead wrong for me. I’m not saying that hers is a dead wrong relationship, but I wanted more for her. God, I am sounding like her parents would be sounding. What I need to do is stop projecting my needs and wants onto others. If people are happy with what they have, I should just let it go. It is none of my business if it doesn’t please me or not. If they are happy, it should be all that matters.

So, I guess I should proceed onward to discovering why I feel such anguish. While I was reading her email, I did have this nasty gut feeling about the picture staring at me. Part of me was like NO, NO, NO for her, and the other part was like nice nails. Weirdly enough, I felt the presence of my inner me. (Who, by the way, reminds me of Kenny from South Park.) It was like having two heads. One was like NO for her, and the other one was reminding me of what I wanted. It may be superficial of me, but I want the grandeur that I see in the movies about romance with the reality of sitcoms. Looking at this whole situation, I guess I do want to eventually fall for someone. Actually, I think it has even brought out of me one of my personality traits, ambition. I didn’t think I was that ambitious but I guess I am. In the environment I grew up in, I think it is hard not to be ambitious or at least have inkling for it. Hmm…ironically enough, I think this whole situation has put my life in some much needed prospective. I want certain things in life. I want to own my own apartment, preferably a loft but I can settle with whatever. I also want the steady and successful career that I can be damned proud of achieving on my own hardworking merits. Once I can achieve financial and home security, I know some of my fears will go away. Money isn’t everything, and the riches I wanted before are not there. I am more than content being a hardworking upper middle class person, ☺. If I am blessed with a child or two (by either surrogate, adoption or my own biology), I want to provide them with the best I can. My family tried it with me and I am so grateful and proud of it. All this anguish I feel really comes down to me and my needs and wants. I shouldn’t be projecting them onto others. Yes, I am pretty sure my mother and some part in this as well, but I can’t continue to blame her with everything for the rest of my life. Eventually one day I have to move on whether I want to or not.

Oh….did I mention? My ex is also getting married. How is that for another jaunt my way? The gods that be should show me my path soon or else I may just think I’m destined to be in constant anguish, paranoia, and fear. Seeking serenity. Seeking serenity and humility. Seeking serenity, humility, and world peace.

happy April fools!

Sacrosanct: Sacred. The meaning of that damn word was driving me insane this morning. I had an inclining on what it meant, but couldn’t remember its exact definition. Good thing for electronic dictionaries.

So, two weeks ago I finished my coursework for my masters. Now all I have left to do is an exam, essay, the thesis presentation, and then the thesis. It is so cliché but here it goes: “Time went by so fast.” Don’t get me wrong, I am all excited for this being over. It wasn’t the exact experience I had hoped for, but it was an experience nonetheless. I guess I am finally ready to move on with my life; see where my next journey is. For now, I know that school isn’t such a hot topic any more. I may consider a phd or law school in the future, but for now I think I just need to work and pretend to be an adult. I always thought it was horrible to be an adult, but they have money. I miss money. I am not starving or anything like that, it just would be nice to be able to go on a little shopping spree or perhaps on a partying spree. Life can get boring when you have no money. It is not all bad, but it does feel like you are missing out. Hmm interestingly enough I feel like I am missing from action. It sort of feels like I have been easing my way into adulthood because I am scared to face everything all at once. Who knows, perhaps I just was too chicken shit. I want a life again. I want responsibilities- some not all. I want to date again.

Ugh! Unfortunately, I think it is time for me to get back on that horse soon. I did date an interesting lad around December/January, but ended before it even started. My main thing with dating is that I don’t feel adequate enough of a mate to date. The people I date are all secure with themselves and their persona in society. I, however, fight everything. Even though it may be an easy task, I just want to fight it all the way. I need the drama. So, here I am…alone. An independent person, soon to be awarded a masters and have no job. Although I want to be with someone (I guess), I also want to establish myself before I do. I sort of gave myself a little break from it all. I still party, but won’t try to find Mr. Right at every corner. As of this moment, I am going to finish whatever is left of my coursework, try to get a job, and then possibly start dating again. I am estimating about a month and a half. Not to start dating, but to finish all I have to before I can embrace other ideas. Who knows where my life will end up. All I know is that being over here, although not the greatest, it isn’t the worst. I still have a lot of growing up and I want to try to find a little bit more of myself before I start advertising to “prospective mates”- this is what studying human behavioral ecology does to you. Everything is seen as a way to maximize reproductive success.

what am i to do?

At this juncture of my life, I am faced with one of those daunting questions. Where do I go from here? With only a few weeks left in the semester, I am left to figure out where I will be in the forthcoming years. Besides my thesis due in the fall, I have no official plans. Why don’t I have a manual for life yet? The other day I was so enthused because I figured out a bit about myself, but here I am again facing this darn question that won’t go away. It seems everyone has an idea of what they want to do and how to do it, but I don’t. A few hours ago, a friend of mine told me I complain too much. According to him, being an American means an infinite amount of possibilities. His choices are limited to those governed by his nationality and whether they will allow him to follow his dreams or even let him dream. In a way, I am being a bit melodramatic and overstressing every minute detail. I completely sympathize with him because my life would be a different story had I grown up like he did. Overall, I guess my life isn’t so bad. I think I just have to remember those times I feel secure in my skin and keep going with it. There are no absolute certainties in life, but there are a limitless amount of possibilities—I believe that’s how the quote goes. Remember to breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale.

…….

First things first. I have to figure out what I need to do, want to do, and plan Bs. Living in fear of what will come is absolutely no good to me or others. I need to take life as it comes, and always remember that I have to make the best out of any situation I am given. I cannot allow myself to wallow in self-pity for it will only drag me way down with it. These next two weeks have to be crunch time. Crying and sleeping won’t help the situation, it will only make things harder. I have to face life and stop being afraid to live it to the fullest, even if that means growing up and taking responsibilities. Breathe. Always remember to breathe for it is the only thing that can restore you to serenity.

oh my goodness....and yikes!

Tra-la-la-la has been my state of being regarding my classes and the pending essays and projects that are due. Barely have I looked at any of the readings regarding any of the essays. I somewhat have a vague notion of what I want to do, but not really. Now while sitting in front of this computer screen, I am feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout my body. Only now have I started to stress about these things. Yikes! All these projects are do in like three weeks. Oh lord baby jay! Please help me put my body and mind in motion in order to face all that is coming my way. I’ve been too consumed with other aspects of my life to even focus on school work. The present is where I need to be, not in the future. I can’t control what comes later on nor can I predict it. The best I can do is focus on me and now. So, first things first, library, long hours, and tons of energy drinks. Sleeping was a thing of the past for me. I need to finish all these things in three weeks time. Once I am done with all that, then I can focus on what comes next. The hermit of 2008 is what I will become. UGH! Life.

once again, sit down and shut up!

One hard, hard lesson in life I have learned is to shut up and do as you are told. Regardless of how many people say that individuality is a key component to many things, it is really bull crap. They don’t want you to truly express individuality, they want you to follow along with the crowd. Mindlessly and numbingly follow the rules of the game. If any sign of resistance is noticed, you will automatically be shunned from the community. I don’t get how people tell you to think outside the box when in reality they don’t want you to. They want you to focus on them and take their stuff as a given. Well, fine. Once again, I will concede to do as I am told. I will not go against what you say. I will play by your rules, that is, of course, until I can change the rules to my liking. I will only follow your damned rules until I can advance far enough o get to where I need and want to go. Playing by your rules will be tough, but I will only do so until I notice a weak link, somewhere I can take hold and switch the rules of the game. Life! Where the heck is the manual? I guess I should just write my own. It would definitely make things a whole lot simpler.

Dublinia

Dublin. Land of many pubs, rivers, bridges, and, um nothing else. Although my time in Dublin was well spent, mostly walking around aimlessly throughout the city, the place could use a little bit more excitement and perhaps cheaper things to do. How does a city, that barely has anything but pubs, cost more than Paris? Pubs are great and all, but food and shopping over there is ridiculous. I understand the need for modernization, but perhaps lets first get organized, then charge people up the ass prices. Build some cooler things, add some excitement to the area, other than pubs, and then divvy up the expense to the tourist. With that note aside, my time in Dublin was well spent. If I would’ve had company, I’m certain I would’ve enjoyed my time there more. Alas, it wasn’t the case, and by the second day I was pulling out my hair.

…..

News from the homestead brings with it sentiments of melancholy. I now yearn to be back home, working crazy hours, doing happy hours, and essentially becoming an automaton. It is sad to say, but I want to sort-of (I said sort-of) grow-up. I need money. Life isn’t as fun as it used to be. Although, when I did have money, most of my activities were limited because of rent and other financial obligations. As much as I feel the need to return to my old life, I know that I am not ready. I still have loads of work to do on myself. Going to Dublin gave me some perspective on the things I want and don’t want. Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more aware of what it is that I want my life to be like. How I get it, who knows? Perhaps one day that light will too shine upon me. Until then, I am still hopeful.

where there is a will, there is a way

In a short days time, I will be in Dublin, Ireland. My pot o’ gold and my four leaf clover await me over there. Have I mentioned how excited I am? To be honest, I am not as excited as I should be, but I will get there soon enough. I am hoping to take lots of pictures so my friend could see what she missed out on. Hopefully, it will inspire her to arrange her travel plans instead of letting all that money go to waste. In any case, travelling with people is awesome and wonderful, but if circumstances don’t permit, I am still going to go. At this stage in my life, waiting for people could mean waiting an eternity. Besides bills and family obligations, people also have jobs and careers to think about before they decide to conquer the world. I, on the other hand, want to travel as much as possible. Who knows where I will be tomorrow? I may not have much funds, but it is surely enough to get me to the other side of the road. What happens at the other end is up to fate. Yeah, I feel the excitement rush through me now. It is my inner self coming out slowly but surely. Gosh, I missed her. I may not know where life may lead me, but I do know a few pit stops I would like to have. Money is just a means to certain things, your heart is the main driving force in everything. Just like the saying: “where there is a will, there is a way” or however it goes. Optimistic travel is what I am. Traveling to catch a glimpse of the goodness all around the world. A smile a day goes a very long way. Sorry with all this cheerfulness, but last night I saw the secret. Hey, if it works for some, why not me. Have faith.

what a world i weave

It has become unpleasantly and evidently clear to me that in my efforts to create an “in” group, where I am one of the center members, and thus excluding some (although not actively), I end up being the outcast and the loner. In my small (about 20 member) program, I thought I could create a cool group with some individuals. While unsuccessfully trying to befriend the majority of the full time members, I feel like the biggest outcast. After class I see how the majority of them either pair up or form triplets and go about their merry way. It saddens me and leaves me wondering why I am not apart of those groups, even as an occasional member. I don’t believe I am the worst person to associate with. At first, I just thought it was because we come from different backgrounds, but after seeing someone with a similar background to mine adjust well, I am beginning to think I am to blame. It troubles me to think that my life will continue to be this way. I don’t want to be the eternal outcast. Yes, it is fun and educational at times, but it is always lonely. I am at odds as to remedy the situation. Now that I have acknowledged what I do, how do I reconcile it? Writing it down and talking to people about it is one way, but I want more lucrative strategies. I know that most of what I do depends on me, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. Ugh. I really hate that most of my time is spent bitching about life and how I have failed as an individual. I would like to write about the great things in life like spring, skiing, etc. Like Senor Ryan Seacrest, bitching session out.

am i getting better?

The words unique, courageous, and independent are commonly used to describe me. Often I take pride in being associated with these words, but on occasion I feel as if they are used to chastise me. The mere fact of my “independent” nature leads people to believe that I don’t need the common, simple things most people seek for- love, help or a shoulder to cry on. When did being strong and confident in one area mean that I am an all-around person? I do have my sad and helpless days. Like everyone on this planet, I yearn for some sense of direction and affection. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. To my dismay, I am not supposed to ask for those things. My “panic attacks” are just my delusions. I should not cry or ask for help because that hasn’t been a persistent trait in my character. However, when others need to cry and question the world, I am supposed to shut up and listen and not judge them hypocritical for not listening to me. The irony is that whenever I need to shout out my paranoid concerns about my life, everyone just pushes me aside as if “I’ll take care of that later because that is not important now.” I am certain that if I did that to them they wouldn’t be as forgiving as I have been or claim to be. I guess this is how most resentments build up, huh? Well, I am sort of done with all that. With my resourcefulness and my independent nature, I have sought ways to cope with these feelings. Right now, I would say that I am about 20 to 30 per cent better. When I see people going through the meltdowns I went through, I just breathe and reassert myself that I am not alone or crazy. Although they may have others or me as an outlet, I know what it feels like. I won’t lie, it completely sucks going through these things alone. Most times, I just hate that I usually have to face these things alone, especially when I have recently started to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the ways to actually get over these feelings, right? People are supposed to be open to help others, right? So, where the heck is my support group? There are no real solutions or answers in life. You just make the best of a bad situation or at least that’s what I learned, the hard way.

another tirade

My return to academia was supposed to be an enlightening time; a time spent focusing my life and my future goals. Instead, it has turned out to be a hell of a journey. While I am becoming enlightened and focusing on life, I am also feeling inundated, useless, and a mere accumulation of spare parts. Here I have this brain, which in all theory is one of the ultimate defining factors between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, and I feel like I am just wasting it away. Ultimately, I feel like a sack of potatoes on the couch. Watching my life pass by me is no fun. What is even less fun is watching others live their lives around me. While I may believe that my life has been filled with wonderful things, in actuality, it is about a quarter filled of what it should be. Often when my mind wanders, I imagine myself travelling to the deepest depths of the world, discovering new cultures, and overall experiencing life. In my imaginary floating ship, I see myself with an abundance of curiosity and ambition. The life I live is one of endless possibility. One day I am studying to be an aviator and the next I am running in a marathon. These all seem like wonderful dreams, but when it comes down to it, they are merely dreams. I put no pencil-to-paper. My ambition levels when it comes time to actually do the work depletes so rapidly I feel physically drained as if I just did a full workout. Hence, I feel the need to constantly relax and continue my endless tirade of procrastination. One of the only things that seem to keep me focused, at least for a few hours, are energy drinks. But, should my life be all about drinking energy drinks to function? Should I medicate myself to maintain my levels of ambition? It should go without mention that I am seriously against all medications for myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, some medications are necessary, but being medicated to do simple functions is something I don’t want to be about. For instance, it is like the argument to prolong life. Do you really want to stay alive just to be a vegetable? I would, but I wouldn’t want drugs ruling my every waking moment. I know it seems hypocritically. I am all for people prolonging their life with drugs, after all it is their prerogative. But for me, there are only a few instances when I would except it for me. However, I would prefer the choice than not having it at all. I guess that is what living in a “radically free society” is all about. For now, this is the end of my tirade and my wallowing, that is, until next time.

another blow to the heart

It seems I am in the habit of picking guys who are seriously unavailable. Whether it be that they are just immature or involved with someone, it just seems I know how to pick them. At this moment, my heart is in a bit of shambles over an email received from a former crush. Although the crush is mostly gone, the torch still lures from time to time. Well, I guess that torch has been put out by the email. It seems that a little valentine heart, which I sent to about fifteen other people, has caused some drift with him and his GIRLFRIEND. Ugh, it is absolutely one of the worst ways to hear about it. I really don’t know what to reply. It was some silly little application, which I sent to a few people. How the heck am I ever going to talk to this person? I feel like I have done nothing wrong. It was merely an innocent little thing. Besides my heart being a bit broken, I feel bad that it caused something between his girlfriend and him.

For what it is worth, I feel like running all over again and wallowing in self-pity. Although running doesn’t seem to solve the problem, it sure helps to get away from it a bit. Gosh, I can’t believe I am letting this get to me. I guess it is more of the fact that I barely get it. I am always crushing or wanting those who are unavailable. In reality, I am just tired. I am tired of hoping I’ll meet prince charming. I know Hollywood and Disney created this whole big notion of a wonderful being and your perfect mate and that there probably isn’t one, but you still have hope. Overall, I believe is the only thing that keeps you going. Crap. I have to run again. How in the world am I going to face this kid? I have about two months of “interaction” left. Hopefully, it won’t be a big deal.

Whenever I get devastating blows like this, besides running, I also just want to focus on the things I know how to focus on, and that’s school/work/myself. I through myself into the things I can “control” and push aside those which I can’t. I hope to build myself stronger in my other areas so that my weaknesses in others won’t be so much of a deal. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to do this and must face reality.

onto the new year

Happy New Year! We have entered 2008, and I must say, I am a very excited laddette. I am praying that this year will bring tons of serenity and joy into my life. Lord baby jesus knows I need it. Peace to the world is also amongst the top priorities for the year, but we cannot really hold our breathes on that. Christmas flew by, not too much to say there. I spent it with the family and it wasn’t too bad. I actually enjoyed some of it. However, I didn’t get any presents- well, I don’t think lotion counts. I was glad to see the family. They weren’t as bad as I remembered them. Now I just need to look forward to the life that is ahead of me. I am really going to try my hardest to lose some of my old habits. I so desperately want to develop more healthy and productive ones. What’s on my agenda for the year?
- Finish school
- Start my career
- Begin the hunt for the next big love
- Settle down in an apartment (for at least two years)
- Become a nicer human being (don’t you love that this isn’t even a top priority)
- Try to grow both emotionally and physically (always have hope for that one)
- Become an outstanding human

That’s how far as I’ve gotten. Let’s see if I can accomplish all of them. Peace, love, and beauty to you all.