Chupa Chups

data, data, and data

Data, data, and loads more data. I’m inundated with data. Definitely happy that my data collection portion of the thesis is done with but yikes…I have to analyze all this now. So far I have managed to enter/code about 30 surveys, which is great. However, I have about 200 more to go. It will definitely be a hermit weekend for me. Also another good thing because I am running low on cash. Easy does it is what I keep telling myself. Enter about 10 or 20 at a time and then take a break to eat or walk around. I’m definitely looking forward to when this statistics portion is completely over with.

Another thing I’m definitely looking forward to is having things just work themselves out smoothly. I know, totally dreamer stage right now. I have to make decisions and, like, yesterday. Everyone seems to be moving along. They either have some spec of knowledge as to what’s next or are not as stressed, but not I. I’m still in my lost stage. So, focus on my thesis and the gym is what I tell myself.

Focusing I feel can sometimes be the most trickiest part. Most of the time I’m good at focusing on me but lately this is just not happening as well as I would like it to. What I do now is stack up on energy drinks. Although their main purpose is to provide energy, I find that they help me focus more than anything. Yes, I do get a bit more energized but I just mostly become focused with it. I wonder which ingredient is the key component to helping me focus because I could totally go out and buy boxes of it.

On a “um, ok, already” note, I’m still feeling weird about my relationship status. Usually this I need someone feeling comes while I’m in menses, but now it just won’t go away. The menses is gone but the feeling is still there. GO AWAY! I’m too into me right now to wonder about anyone else. YUCK!

the me of it all

It’s me again. I’m still indecisive about my next move. London, New York or just some random place I pick on the map. Honestly the random place always seems intriguing, but at the same time, it is just me running away from making a decision. I need to move forward with my life. The next stage has been waiting for me for a long time. I’m never going to be ready for it but I must trek on. I need stability and a place to truly call home. For now I just have to take it one day at a time. In many ways I’m glad I don’t have a significant other. Having another person would mean thinking about the “we” instead of the “me”. I like the latter a whole lot more. ;)

Freddie Prince and data...eek!

Jack and Jill vs. the World is my newest favoritest cheesiest movie. I effing love it. For starters, Freddie Prince is in it. Yes, I know he’s like so old school, but he still looks good—although, ahem, Mr. Prince it seems you gained some good weight ;). Jill is such a sweetheart. Their relationship reminds me of the type of relationship I want to have. His apartment is like the coolest; except what is up with all the darkness? A bit more color would’ve been truly appreciated. I’m definitely going to see it again in a few hours. Ha.

Onwards to other things, I’m a bit sad.  Cheesy movies are cool but they make me feel lonely. I mean I’m ok with just focusing on me, but sometimes you just get lonely. Friends are cool from time to time but they can’t do all the cool stuff significant others can. However, it is so cool to hook-up with your friends – I don’t mean sex. Nasty. Eeh….OMG I just realized that I’ve had more than one, one night stands. So crazy. Here I am thinking I’m so “good” but obviously I’m not. Although can you really count one night stands if they are with your ex? Ha. Gosh…I need a new l-o-v-e-r. haha.

Besides the movie, I am so on top of my data collection. The school administrator sent out an email with a link to my survey and so far I’ve gotten good replies. Although I do keep getting the crap replies, like people not filling in the whole thing. I’m so glad I’m not paying for it yet. Seriously if these people would return those forms not filled out, it would be a total waste of my 12 dollars. Ha. Hopefully I’ll have all the replies I need by tomorrow.

Crap…correction…so not on top of my data. The replies keep coming in and I’m so poor to pay the 11 dollars for the 100 reply thing. Actually I tried once but it was so weird. Apparently they do stuff through Pay Pal and my stuff either never got set up or some strangeness happened. :/

birthday bowling madness

Gosh….I’m so exhausted, which is extremely interesting considering I had a Rockstar energy on my way over here. Eh…What can I do? Numbers must make me sleepy. So far, I’ve been fast away collecting data. I’m just worried I may enter it incorrectly. Shoot…I have no clue what I’m doing. Hopefully something works out ok. Once the administrator for the school sends out the email with my survey, I’m pretty sure I’ll have met my quota in less than 3 days.

In other news, yesterday I went to my friend’s birthday bowling event. It was pretty cool. Since it was Sunday, I had to ring my mom. I told her where I was at and how I was slightly paranoid. I kept thinking the Germans were going to put me in an oven and burn me alive. Silly little me….I watch way too many movies. Overall, the night was really fun. We started off at the bowling alley, which by no means compares to our lovely allies in the US, and had a few beers while throwing way too many gutter balls. Actually the whole scoring thing was so out of whack. We were way too many people and the scores were never properly displayed. They definitely need to renovate their establishment. After the lanes, we hit the pizza parlor. The pizzas looked so yummy and for £3.50 you got a whole 11’ pie. It was really yummy. Stocked up on slices, we decided to quench ourselves with a few beers, so we headed to the Court – pretty much the only bar in the area which stayed open passed midnight. The beers at the Court proved to be quite nice. It would’ve been cooler had I made it in time for their beer and burger deal….aww shucks.

As for the other dramas in my life, they seem to be subsiding – to be honest, almost non-existent now. It is really strange how things just all creep up at once and you’ll have days or even weeks of intense, hectic moments. I’m still worried about what’s going to happen to me next. Still have to decide where I’m going to live and I so need a job, like, yesterday. For now, I’ll just take it easy. Perhaps finally wash the mountain of dirty dishes I have piling up. I know, so disgusting of me. :p

survey time

Currently I’m on a massive survey marketing promotion. I’m really trying to get 200 surveys filled out by next Friday. Since I’ve been sleeping for the past four months, I really need to step up my game; not just to the A level, but to the umpteenth. I have a few more resources to tap online and then I’m off to do my footwork. Oh yeah, I’m hitting up all the surrounding libraries. I’m going to go from computer row to computer row, sit for hours, and have people fill out my survey. It’s exciting, scary, and stressful, but I feel I can achieve my goal. Surprisingly, I’ve had a good turnout. I just have to keep up with the momentum.

One of the main things that popped up for me while mass distributing my thesis is that some people are just bleh. I make sure I’m a good friend to people and I expect at least equal treatment. I guess I should just let it go. People are just people and they have their own lives to lead. Unfortunately, it did bring up the exact feeling I hated back at home. I felt like everyone was busying themselves with their own lives; no one had time for anything. Although over here it is about the same thing, I do feel that people are more willing to create events and invite everyone. It feels like a real family. Most of my friends back home have their own families and kids to tend to; I don’t and don’t plan on having them any time soon. I guess I have to learn how to move on. Although I did find somewhat of a drive in that, I felt like fine…they are too busy well I’ll just keep myself entertained. Whenever I’m home, I just feel like focusing on myself. Over here its like I actually want to build relationships. I like it that people like to go out seven days a week. I know people back home do as well but it seems they are more focused on responsibilities and work. Over here they do have the same responsibilities but they also want to enjoy life. I like that.

Well…I guess I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. I’m going to make it the top. Whether its in the States or in Europe, I’ll be on top. Magazine articles about my great accomplishments will be written. Doubt I’ve ever told anyone but I have always imagined myself on the cover of Time magazine with the headlines…young, wealthy, powerful, and on top of her game.

again...back in the dumps

Today I received yet another blow to my ego. I got back my grade for the genetics class I took, and all I can say is that it wasn’t my best or worst. Although I think it is really good that I talk to someone about this. It seems all my professors keep saying the same thing. They don’t seem to see that I understand the material. I apparently focus too much on the background and the description and not enough on the actual question being answered. When I do attempt to answer the question, it generally comes up short and misses the nail. Perhaps I should just stop whining about my grades and poor me and work at it. Yuck. I just want someone to show me exactly how it’s done. Once I get one or two instruction, I’m pretty sure I can do it myself the third time. It does make me feel awful that I didn’t perform my best in this course but finally I get it that feedback is good. Although I wish someone would point me to the help I need once they provide me the feedback. Also, another thing that would so be appreciated is the grades and feedback a lot sooner. Oh, I don’t know, perhaps right after the semester. This essay was handed in back in March and I just received my grade…a day before August. I truly wish that grades and feedback were given in better time. Perhaps I would’ve had the chance to improve for the second semester. Now I have another piece of bad news and another blow to my ego…. oh and I have my thesis due in a month. No pressure at all.

moving on, slowly but surely

My masters thesis survey is finally up and running and I couldn’t be any prouder. Actually I could but heck I have to get on with it. It is due in less than two months and I am far behind. Although the actual due date is on the 15th of September, I really want to hand it in on the 15th of December. Unfortunately, my situation keeps changing so I really have to try my best to get it done in a month. The pressure is on but I am really glad I have good quality data. One thing that does annoy me is when people send back feedback or leave comments. Some are like “where are the men” and others are often offended by the lack of proper ethnicity options. Darlings, I just can’t help the ethnicity question. I’m using the British standards and it doesn’t include your ethnicity. Actually that ethnicity question is one of my worst pet peeves, along with the race question. Those questions are so ambiguous. Depending on what side of the world you are, you can be considered whatever. It just truly annoys me why people see the need to further divide humans. I mean I understand why it’s needed in science but these things get used for the wrong political reasons. It's a shame science gets treated this way.

Besides my survey, I’ve been busying myself with job applications. I need a job desperately. I don’t mind in what country it is, as long as I’m being paid enough to pay back my student loans, have a roof over my head, and eat. Life gets tougher as you age, and it sucks. However, I’m sort of glad that many people believe I am at least 7 years younger than my actual age. It does annoy me sometimes when I go out dancing with my friends, and out of everyone in the group, I’m the only one who gets carded. Oh, did I mention that everyone else in the group is younger than me? Yes, my friends who are younger than me don’t get carded. It is unbelievable. But, whatever.

On the home front, it is one dilemma after another. My brother got kicked out of my aunt’s apartment. My mother doesn’t want him to come back home. And, of course, I feel horrible that my little brother will be out in the streets. He mentioned that as soon as he finds a new place he will stop all forms of communication with the family. Seriously, do things need to get that drastic? What I really fear is that he’ll end up like our father. Going from place to place to place because he has an attitude and anger problem. He recognizes he has serious issues he needs to deal with but chooses ways to not face them straight on. Religion should be the salvation to all the planet’s woes but this requires some counseling. I’m really worried about him but I have to trust that he’ll be fine. After all this is a grown individual in his early 20s. I really hope he sets himself straight.

As for my living situation, I’m still in the search for a new roommate. A possible young lady from NYU has shown some interest but really who knows at this point. One of my biggest fears when I go back home is that I’ll go back to my old habits. Those that lead to me feeling lost and bored of life. I just have to keep telling myself it is not about location. It’s about me and what I want to do. Whatever it is that I want/need to do, I can do it anywhere in the world. I just have to keep my hopes and dreams alive. It is definitely easier said than done when you head back to the daily grind. Day-after-day it only seems like you are there to pay for your bills and face your responsibilities; almost as if the fun is being sucked out of life.  I’m scared.

life, omg

Dealing with siblings is tough. My younger brother just got kicked out of my aunt’s apartment. He knows why he’s being kicked out and understands he now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Truly I’m worried for him and so is my mother. She regretfully told him she couldn’t take him in because she, too, doesn’t want to deal with his nasty attitude. She said she’ll more than gladly help him with a deposit into renting a room but she couldn’t take him back. He obviously took it as a major insult and is again shunning her and the rest of the family. Unfortunately, he has serious trust issues. He is now in a moment of need and feels like he’s being treated like shit. He apparently overlooks the fact that wherever he lives people feel they have to walk on eggshells. He has a very difficult personality to deal with and most people just don’t want to be bothered with. He has serious issues he needs to work out but he doesn’t seem to really work at them. All I can do for him is trust he’ll be fine. At first I wasn’t nice about it. I became really irate with him. I honestly feel he makes dumb choices and doesn’t realize how badly he truly needs to work on his attitude. But I need to have faith and trust he will be ok. See dealing with siblings is tough.

As for myself, I have so much to deal with. I still haven’t paid my rent. I do have to money, well most of it, but I don’t want to dish it out. I’m hoping that magically $1600 will appear. Unfortunately, I have no job and have to trek on. So this means I have to put it on my credit card. Besides my rent, which was a long time ago my only concern, I now have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I’m standing at a fork-in-the-road. Either I give up my apartment in New York and become a vagabond in Europe or I go back to my life back home. So let me break it down:

Returning to NY:
By returning to NY, I’ll be saving my East Village apartment. I’ll be saving thousands of dollars because I won’t have to do the whole broker’s thing again. I’ll also be saving the trouble of trying to find someone who can sign a lease or has a guarantor. Two of the toughest problems apartment seekers have to deal with.

A plus that goes with going back home is that the apartment will truly be mine and that I can make it into a home. Whenever I become roommates with someone, I don’t ever feel like it’s somewhere I can come home. I almost never fully unpack because I know that within a few months time I’ll be moving again. I never put roots down because I always know I have to uproot. So in a way I can see this as a great challenge and opportunity; I’ll finely have a chance to make something my own.

Staying in London:
By staying in London, I can calmly finish my thesis and re-sit for the class I need to in order to finally get my masters. Since living in London is like living in the burbs for me, I can maintain this lovely calm I sometimes have.

A major plus for London is that it is a major hub for traveling. I can find hundreds of cheap tickets to fly everywhere, well at least in Europe and parts of Africa. I can finally travel around the globe, in an economical type of way.

Another plus for London is that I can also root myself here. Renting an apartment in London is sometimes cheaper than renting in NY. For what I pay out in NY, I can get a house in London, with a garden. It’ll be the true suburb experience in a city.

The negatives, however, is that I’ll need to do this visa thing. I’ll have to dish-out about 1G just to stay and work here. I’m pretty certain I’ll get it because I’m American but still.

Also, wherever I decide to live, I’m faced with the same choices: finding a job, repaying my student loan, paying down my credit card, finishing graduate school. For the moment, I urgently need to find a job. I need to pay for shelter and for food. I know I have to also try to finish my thesis but a job is really a top priority at the moment. I need to stop being a lazy Stacey. Watching TV and pretending everything is ok just won’t do. I have to face my reality whether I like it or now. I need to start telling myself the things I tell others. STOP BEING INACTIVE AND GET PROACTIVE. The death of my tutor and Randy Pausch should have motivated me enough but its not outer things that are going to make me get my act together. I have to do shit for me. Ewwww am I growing up. Blah. ☹

Ok…. so entertain me for a bit here while I figure myself out.

Priorities:
Code Red:
Job
Graduate School
Living situation

Code Red Orange:
Thesis by September/December
Moving in September
Finding a place to live, if staying in London
Shipping my boxes overseas, if going back home
Waking up at 6 or 7 am to be at work at 8:30
Dealing with my financial mess
Budgeting with my last little pennies

Code Orange:
Ironing my thesis
Resubmitting the work for my class
Budgeting
Giving the Salvation Army half my stuff
Packing

Code Green:
Due date of rent
Have extra time for finding a new roommate
Extra time for submitting my thesis

Gosh…I have to get down to work. Guess it’s back to reality for me. Whoops…forgot about my laundry. Best be off to my new “reality.”

God just grant me serenity now to deal with the things I can. For some odd reason you thought I could handle all these things so I guess I best get cracking. Ugh! ☺

more and more

Supposedly you become a more valuable player once you fail and rise from the burnt ashes of your dreams and hopes. But, how can someone rise from those ashes knowing that their whole world has crumpled before them? Those dreams were the only things keeping them afloat here, the only things that made life worth living. So, what would rising from those ashes be for them? Is it another chance to get destroyed by the big bad world? Seriously, what is the point of it all? I am definitely devastated and in awe of what just occurred, but I am also just damn right angry. Why does my life have to be a myriad of obstacles and speed bumps that I have to overcome to get to the next stage? Is it to be a stronger person? For what precisely do I have to be stronger? What the heck is so great about that next stage? Is it the promise land of chocolate and gold? Is it to be torn down again and ripped limb from limb?

i'm truly done

God I feel like shit again. It almost seems pointless to even try anymore. I feel like completely giving up and moving into a trailer in some swampland. At least there I won’t have any expectations. I know exactly what I am getting. If life could just go swimmingly for a short while that would just be great. I really can’t take many more of these speed bumps and obstacles, especially if I don’t know where I am heading. It seems like life is just a big reality show where you are supposed to play this role. It isn’t your reality it is someone else’s. You follow suit and pray everything goes well. No input of your own is required. They will tell you how to act, dress, think, and have sex. All that is required from you is to play the party; no questions asked.

the crow position

Monday turned out to be a glorious and productive day. I woke up at an early hour and was able to do some early morning grocery shopping, which is a good thing because I had, like, zero food in the fridge—I didn’t even have baking soda. Following my shopping spree, I was able to dedicate about three to four hours to learning statistics. (Please don’t ask me what I learned because I already forgot it.) In addition to that, I was also able to get four people to volunteer for my study, now only six more to go. Yoga at night wasn’t too bad. It was actually a bit strange because the men outnumbered the women. It is usually the other way around. In any case, I had an awesome time because I was finally able to hold the crow position-- albeit only two seconds, but it was something. On my journey home I felt a little airy (not like an airhead but just light). In a way it felt good, but at the same time I was going nuts over the quiet streets. Sometimes I love that I can hear the leaves rustle but other times it is just too much. I need NOISE! What can I say, I feel good at the moment, despite the stillness of the night.

Future Concerns:
How in the world am I going to be able to pull off my methods section for my thesis? I strongly dislike math. I would much rather have a calculator for simple math, and even then would need to double-check myself. For now, I am taking it one step (and day) at a time. Speaking of which, I just remembered I have to do some volunteer work. Ha.

Au revouir (sp?) for now.

PS Did I mention my Chinese neighbors are crazy? Sure are. I love them to pieces, and for the life of me can’t fall asleep unless I hear them fighting, but sometimes it seems like that are really going at it. Ha. I’m pretty sure they are only talking loudly though.

time for action

What is my purpose in life? Is it to get up at 7am and work my life away in a 9-5? Is it to work for people who cause pain on to others or who use others for their own purposes? Life is an amazing gift we have. It wasn’t given to us so that we can waste it. From my understanding, it was to use it for the greater good. Being born into a rich or poor community doesn’t give you an advantage or disadvantage. What I believe gives you the edge to be successful in life is love and compassion. I never write about love because I don’t really know what it is about. All my life I’ve been running away from it. For as far back as I can remember I’ve always tried my hardest to keep people at arms length. Forming meaningful connections with others was a big no-no to me. The less I had that connection with another human, the better off I would be. I wouldn’t have to hurt or worry. I would just be in my little world, my little world of numbness. What makes me feel really ashamed is when people ask me how I’m feeling. If I were to tell them the truth, I would tell them that the only things I feel are anger, fear, and sadness. The positive emotions of happiness and love are far erased from my memory. It truly saddens me that if I am not feeling anger, sadness, or pain, I am mostly just feeling numb. The numbing feeling is my closest thing to happiness. At times, I believe that that is peace. So, now I sit here. Wasting my life away by not living. Millions of people worldwide are dying to have what I have, the precious gift of life. I have had the fortune to be healthy most of my life, and what do I have to show for it? Can I say I’ve saved a life? Can I claim to be a peacekeeper? Am I responsible for bringing some form of irrigation for a village in desperate need of water? My answer to all would be no. I have not done anything with my time. I keep the ideal that everyone should be living his or her lives to the fullest, but everyday I waste mine away. Hours upon hours I spend watching TV, watching other people live their lives. It frustrates me when people pay money to know what celebrities are wearing. They idolize these people that don’t deserve more than a second’s praise. Millions are dying of hunger and illnesses that could’ve been avoided with a mere few dollars. However, these idolized, camera-hungry people spend thousands of dollars on a handbag that was most likely created from a murdered crocodile. Now, I know I am no saint. I, too, would love the beautiful shoes and dresses. I guess this is just a note for me to get up off my ass and do something for others and for myself. Be that person that I know I can be.

month of may

The month of May started off as a vacation for me and I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. Although it’s only been two weeks, I feel like I’ve been lounging around for about a month. I have to get back on track with my thesis work and my life. Yikes! Who said life was ever easy? Ugh. Just the thought of being productive again brings shivers down my spine. On the plus side, I’ve been incorporating more healthy practices/habits in my life. I’ve recently joined a gym- hopefully this time I’ll use it to the fullest instead of just paying for a year of watching TV. Also, I bought Bran Flakes. At first I thought it would be yucky and god awful, but it isn’t that bad. I guess being old could be ok. However, I’ll still need a box of Lucky Charms in the cupboard. On top of the gym and the Bran Flakes, I have also switched to wheat pasta. Yes, I know I could go full on, but slowly does it, no? So I must say I am proud of myself for these things. Conversely, I am disappointed in myself for continuing to procrastinate- in school work and in life. I do not appreciate my continued tardiness to everything in life. I’ve been late to almost everything for the past four years. It is a bad habit and something I need to improve on. Slowly does it and one day at a time. And, the big update, I now have to start dating or at least wean myself back into the dating scene. I have to put out the ‘girlfriend’ vibes I’ve not had in years. Lets see how this all pans out. Hmph.

another failure

God I feel like such a failure. How have I even made it this far in life? Really, I need someone to explain this to me? Apparently I am just completely fooling myself about my own potentials. Earlier this afternoon I had a sit-down with my tutor and he totally handed me a laundry list of my failures as a student. Per his records, I failed my first exam. All I could remember walking out of that exam room was how great I thought it went. I was so sure I was going to get a very high mark. The worse I thought possible was that I would get a B-, but nope, he said I failed it! How the heck?! So now I am not too sure about the exam I took yesterday. God…everything I have done for this course has been a failure. Besides getting in, I have no idea how I am still in the program. After I left his office, I felt like even more of a failure. God everything just mounts up. Here I am thinking that I am all right for having accomplished so much. I sometimes get people telling me how great they believe I’m doing. I barely made it home without falling to the floor in tears. All I could think about was ways to prove him wrong. He even suggested I hold off applying to any programs until I finish my thesis. Apparently, from the looks of my record, I am not a very academic individual, which is odd to me because that was something I did better in. I guess I was just fooling myself. ….I’m just sitting her, sobbing my damn eyeballs out, and all I can think of is comparing myself to others. How they all seem to get it and get good marks. They all just seem to know how the program of life forms. Although I do see them at their weakest sometimes, they just seem to know how everything just works. Yes, their life may look all that great from the outside, but still be rotten in the inside, but it sure looks a whole lot better than my inside. WHY?!!! Why do I even bother to continue? I thought I was doing so well but I’m not. I guess I was just suppressing everything and pretending it was ok. Ironically enough, all I want to do is prove everyone wrong. Have an amazing life and show them that I can make it to wherever I want to, besides their disapproval.