Chupa Chups

where it hurts

Ugh! I feel horrible! Why won’t these negative feelings go away? I’ve been frustrated, disappointed, and all the negative these past two days. I wish they would just make a magic pill so that all these feelings would just go away.

Things I’m irritated at:
My roommates- they are disgusting
Myself- for feeling this way and various other reasons
Life- because who else can you really blame but life

I’ve been trying to write down my feelings to see if that helps reduce it but it doesn’t. Running sometimes is out of the question bc I don’t have a good time to run. I’ve attempted to do it before work but it’s too dark; after work is also too dark. Ugh! What am I going to do with myself? I’m dissatisfied with everything and everyone. It’s like someone turned on my bitch switch.

insecure

Procrastination- why do I do it?

Hello. My name is &(*(U()*)((*. I am a chronic procrastinator. I procrastinate because I feel unable to do a task. I feel as if I will automatically get a negative outcome. My self worth diminishes when I’m faced with any task. My train of thought is usually that I am stupid, incompetent, and not capable enough to pull something off. I’m insecure about my work output. I constantly believe that my work is not good enough. I feel as if others do a better job of things than I do. Besides others being better than me, I feel as if it takes me twice and sometimes three times as long to get something, which in turn makes me feel even more incompetent. I am not a perfectionist. Most of my things are in chaos. Although in the surface they may look as if they are neatly put away, when you open a drawer or closet door you’ll be able to see the dysfunction that is my life. It is exactly how I portray myself to the world. I may seem independent and fully capable to do many things but in the inside I don’t feel as capable. I sometimes don’t feel as if I can truly make it. Whenever I decide to do something it is usually after I’ve had an epic battle with myself. Part of me thinks I can’t do anything or really amount to much and the other part of me feels that the presidency is looming in 15 years. I’m in a constant state of battle with my negative thoughts. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed because I wait until the last minute to do things. I wait until the last minute to do things because I feel incompetent. I feel incompetent because I compare myself to others and see how quickly they pick up things. I don’t pick up things as quickly as others because my head is somewhere else. My head is somewhere else because I sometimes find things boring and not entertaining. I find things boring and unentertaining because I feel as if I know better or I don’t agree with them. I feel as if I know better because I am not as open minded as I think I am. I like patterns, which are sometimes OCD in nature. I like patterns because it means I know what’s going to come next. I like to know what’s going to happen next. I feel unsafe if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I look at things from all angles to make sure I know what’s going to happen next.

enrolling at Harvard for fall 2010

So the results for my dissertation are out and I am terrified to check them. For one, I’m really afraid I failed. As my supervisor said, failing the dissertation means failing too much. So in a way I want to keep the mystery and the hope that I passed. I guess I just want to be oblivious to the outcome for as much as I can. I know eventually I’ll have to find out but for now I just want to keep the illusion that I possibly passed. In any case, I’m moving on. Whether the results are positive or negative, I’m moving on and I won’t let it stop me from realizing the only dream I’ve ever had of obtaining my PhD. So…….I’ve been requesting application packs and prospectus from several schools. I’m even contemplating applying to Harvard. Hey…what do I have to lose at this point? The application fee? A bit of dignity? Who knows, I may even get in and get a second chance. Quite honestly at this point I could care less if I get in as a minority student. I know plenty of people who’ve used unconventional ways to get into grad school. I’m shooting for fall 2010. I figured it would give me enough time to make me a desirable candidate. Hey. The first time was a bust, the second time was a win, and who knows what the third time will bring. See you in the fall of 2010 Harvard!

Now the only thing I have to decide is how to properly apply to both the PhD and JD programs.

self worth, is it worth it and what is it?

Do you know what self worth means? I have somewhat of a vague idea of what it is but to truly give you a proper definition I am completely lost. I always took self worth to mean exactly what the two words stood for. Self- yourself and your view; worth- value….you put them together you have self value, how you value yourself, what you think of your self. It such a simple concept but so many have trouble identifying it in them, including myself. Last night a friend asked me about self worth and I was completely clueless; I did not know how to answer her. I always thought I had somewhat of an idea of my worth but I never defined it, not even to myself. I felt sort of foolish. I felt as if I was hit with the duh stick. Something so simple and yet I can’t properly define it for myself. What is my self worth? I don’t know. “I don’t know” is a horrible answer to things. She makes me realize that saying “I don’t know” means you are not trying to answer the question. It is almost as if you don’t care enough to attempt to answer it. I mean it is completely ok to not know something, but at least an attempted answer is good. So, back to self worth, let’s see what the dictionaries say.

Wiki-In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth

Random site-
Self-worth is frequently based on our feelings of worth in terms of our skills, achievements, status, financial resources, or physical attributes. This kind of self-esteem or self-worth often cultivates an independent and arrogant attitude. When we find ourselves not measuring up to society’s criteria for worth, we suffer serious consequences. Our self-worth depreciates dramatically. The illusion of being successful and admired gives way to disillusionment as our possessions and achievements that once nourished our souls fail to satisfy our appetites. Every individual experiences basic needs -- hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc. We are conditioned to satisfy these needs by getting something -- food, drink, or rest. Mistakenly we conclude that by getting, we will achieve an acceptable self-worth/esteem.

Nothing depreciates self-worth faster than regret, anger, or fear. For four years, Kelly worked in sales. If she achieved her monthly quota and bonuses, her self-worth soared with her supervisor’s praise. Like a barometer, her self-worth plummeted as she received criticism during non-productive cycles.

One day Kelly marched into work, carrying a large box. One by one she placed pictures of her family and cards from friends as positive reminders. She renewed her self-worth by considering ways she could give something personal to each client or co-worker -- a word of encouragement, a sympathetic ear, or a prayer for their circumstances. “In the beginning, I felt like such a failure when not getting sales that I practiced self-depreciation. But after I dedicated myself to giving not getting, I had an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. It was as if I was losing the ability to worry!”

There is a great example of this in the Bible. The apostle Paul “learned the secret of living in every situation” (Philippians 4:11-13). Self-esteem is an attitude of respect for and contentment with oneself based on the recognition of one’s abilities and acceptance of one’s limitations.

self-worth Definition
self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)
noun
one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

Based on the definitions above, I did have a pretty good clue of what it was- or at least its definition. However, do I live or have it. To an extent I think I do. I mean who doesn’t want to achieve things. I know I do. Yes society pressures you to do great and punishes you when you fail. I guess the main purpose of self worth is valuing oneself as an individual without the external. Successes or failures shouldn’t define who you are as a human being. It’s tough to acknowledge but it’s true. SO the big question at hand. WHO AM I AS A HUMAN BEING? As part of the human race, I know I have value as soon as I am conceived. But what else do I want for myself? Regardless of successes or failures, what makes me happy and makes me feel whole? I don’t know. I guess will have to find out together.

so tired

I think I slept way too many hours last night. I’ve been exhausted the whole entire day. I can barely stay up; not to mention that the office is almost empty and that those that are here barely make any noise. Sometimes I wish my job was more entertaining. Perhaps screaming matches on the phone or pranks set by other coworkers. Hmph…if only.

Besides the astronomically boring work day I’ve had, I must say that my week has been rather productive. I’ve managed to keep busy until at least 10 each night. Running around from workshop or class; it’s fun but a bit exhausting and I barely get to catch up on my Gossip Girl.

OH GOD…not even writing helps me. This is serious. If only coffee worked for me.

tuesdays

Tardiness is not next to godliness, or so I’ve been told. Lately I just can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I need to develop better time management skills.

Here I go again. Sit in my little swivel chair, type in this little notebook, have meaningless small talk with my neighbor, and of course pray to god I can manage to stay awake and focused for eight hours. Is not that I don’t appreciate or like my job, it’s just that I would like to do something that pays better. My student loans aren’t going to pay themselves on a minimum wage job. Who knows what kind of person or where I’ll be in a few months time; I just hope that I am slightly happier than I am now. I want my life to be more meaningful. I want to wake up everyday excited to go outside and interact with the world- however cruel or nice it may be that day. When I come home, I want it to be welcoming, cozy, and chic. There’s a lot of wants in those last few sentences. I honestly don’t think that those wants are too ostentatious to have. In general all I need is a roof, a bed, food, and an activity for the day. Eh who knows…. Perhaps something will sparkle inside of me.

I should get back to the basics, think somewhat practical, and stop being a gypsy as my friend calls me.

where's my life jacket?

Merely a year ago I was completely debt-free, minus the credit card bill that was more than manageable. However, this Christmas I sing another tune, the tune of debt. After taking out massive student loans, I am trying my hardest to keep afloat. I’m managing if only by the grace of god but I need to remove myself from all this heavy debt. Thus far I have two massive debts: my student loans and my credit card bill. The student loan I know I’ll have with me for years so I’m sort of ok with that if that’s the only big bill I have. The credit card debt is still somewhat manageable but once the second student loan repayment kicks in it will probably become a burden. Besides those debts, I have two that I truly want to get out of the way immediately. One is the security deposit return for my former roommate. Since she vacated the apartment and left it for me, I was supposed to give her the security deposit she put down. I truly want to give her the security because she, too, is struggling and is soon expecting a little one in January….hence why I want to give her the cash she needs before than. She’s been really great to me and I truly appreciate that. On top of her generosity throughout our living together, she has not once pressured me for her money back and I’ve been living in the apartment since September. The other debt that I truly want to rectify is the security deposit of my current roommate/friend that I had to sort of use. When I moved back I was completely and I mean completely broke. The first paycheck didn’t come soon enough and of course it wasn’t enough to cover the mounting money I had to dish out. Once I’m done with both of these, I really only have my regular monthly bills: rent, phone, utility, etc. It seems really stressful and it is but hopefully I’ll learn to cope and gain some much needed serenity now.

As a form of cheap entertainment and to reduce some stress, I joined a meditation group. Last night was my first class and I loved it. It wasn’t pretentious or anything like that it was just some good old, straight forward meditation. We meditate for 45 minutes, shared what we experienced, and finished off with some metta meditation.

Inner thoughts- This is so stressful. I’m feeling overwhelmed with debt and with life. I need help. Perhaps that Cigna stress management program will work. Ha. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. I just need to take it easy and slowly.

swimming my way through

The United States of America has its first biracial (yes, not solely black) president in its 200 plus years of existence. Gosh…it took over 200 plus years for the first, not fully white, male president to be elected. Should I be holding my breathe 200 plus more years for the first woman president or merely 80? Well all and all I’m pretty OK with the decision made. I can’t complain much, after all this country is in the shitter anyway. Let’s see what he does.

As for my own life, its there. The heart is ticking, the lungs are inhaling and exhaling, and my brain is semi-functioning half of the time. What can I say other than I feel like I’m in my old rut again. I know this should be a perfect opportunity for me to get out of it, seeing as I’m aware of it, but I’m not motivated enough. This job is draining. It drains my life away. When I get home I’m just too exhausted to do anything, at least nothing productive but what TV. I’m like so caught up on all this bullshit. I truly dislike spending countless hours of my life just watching other people live their own; but at the same time, I’m too exhausted to do anything else that requires much brain power. I need to figure a way out of this. I like writing out my feelings but at the same time its just so darn depressing. I would much rather be writing about the adventures I’m having. Perhaps if I write down my adventures they’ll come true. Hmm…there’s an idea.

Adventure:
On a mild and humid day in November, I decide to cool off by going for a swim. Since the train ride to the beach is way too long, I decide that its best to try the Hudson River. As I pass by the droves of slow moving pedestrians, I notice the beauty that is the architecture of New York and lose myself in a daze, almost forgetting what my purpose was in walking west. Finally I reach the West Side highway, which is easily noticeable through all the smog and the speeding cars. As I wait for the light to turn, I can see the dozens of runners, cyclists, and rollerbladers on the paved road across the highway. Crossing in the designated pedestrian walkway is a mission on its own. You think its all smooth sailing because the light is for you to walk but nope you have to dodge cars coming at you from another direction. So as I finally arrive at the other side of the highway, I am greeted by a speeding drove of cyclists, who look like they are going to kill me if I don’t move out of their way. Who knew being a pedestrian would be so hard, you’d think they would offer us some sort of workshop titled “How to Walk in the Streets of New York Without Getting Killed by Taxis, Cyclists, Runners, and Other Pedestrians.” So here I am at my desired destination, I look for a spot that looks like a good jumping position and off I go. As I start with my breast stroke, I suddenly realize how panicky I get when I’m in water that’s over 5 feet deep. “Oh Crap!” Here I go in doggy paddle mode back to the boardwalk but first I have to remove all this gosh darn rubbish that’s in my way. When they said the Hudson River was dirty, they weren’t kidding. Ugh! “What is this? A six-pack plastic… grrrrr.” Back on the boardwalk I notice some people gawking at me in amazement. Eeh…I shrug and lay down to enjoy the beautiful foggy sky in that mild and humid November day.

whirlwinds

What a whirlwind of a week I’ve had. Let’s do a short recap: bystander in a very dramatic relationship on Sunday, blood bath on Monday, and transfer on Wednesday.

Drama-
When it comes to daytime soap operas, I’m definitely a fan. However, when it comes to real life drama, I am so not. While having an expensive drink at a very empty and chic place, my friend’s boyfriend rings him up to see what he’s up to. In the middle of my finishing up my pink (yes, pink) dumplings, I was left a lone soldier on the battlefield. How did it play out? Read below:
Boyfriend: Where are you?
Friend: I’m having a drink with my friend.
Boyfriend: I know you are not drinking.
Me: Inappropriately chiming in a hello.
Boyfriend: blah, blah, blah, you drink and we are over.
Friend: blah, blah, what about this and blah what about blah
Me: Hmmm…this drink is pink, the leather (slightly uncomfortable couch) is pink, the walls are pink, the dumplings are pink…way to love the color pink…ouch these shoes are pinching me.

Drama like this is why I dislike relationships. Really…have one more glass of wine and we are through? Come on! Every phone call or text my friend receives is like where are you? Gosh can you be any more distrusting. But whatever…not my relationship.

Blood bath-
According to the president of my company, 60% of our business was lost. The company stock keeps plummeting and so does my 401k. Since business is suffering, 20% of the staff had to be cut back. Monday morning was one of the most upsetting experiences for all of us. People who have been with the company for years had to be let go, I was so devastated. The one good thing that came out of it was that we all went out for a drink afterwards to support our fallen. I’m definitely appreciative that I wasn’t one of the 20% but I’m also on pins and needles now. Who knows when the second or third rounds will commence? Business doesn’t seem to be picking up much. However, I do think that we are being very supportive to the company by doing our best to help out to get more business. This is truly a family and a wonderful experience.

Transfer-
Yup….although I was spared from the killing, I wasn’t spared completely. I’m being transferred to another department. I truly love my department and would totally love to stay here. The other department seems odd and they don’t have free lunch for their meetings. This blows. I’m definitely sad but glad I got that instead of being laid off.

Who knows what will happen next week? Right now the Dow is down 7% and I’m sure so is my 401k. We definitely need changes. I’m stressed to the max and need to relax. I also want to get on with my life wherever that leads me. I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m scared. Ugh….I’m getting a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach- no it’s not the runs or something. Every time people go in and out of the office or gather around, it totally freaks me out. I want comfort. I want support. I need to do something about my situation.

stitch

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. Do you hear that? It feels like my life is set on a time bomb. Once my life was all sweet, I had the option to defer my dissertation, I lived in another country, and I was not working. Unfortunately, my reality has set in. According to my supervisor, it is nearly impossible to get a deferral for your dissertation. She is really stressing I hand it in on time, which is seriously bad news for me. It is mostly bad news because I have seriously been slacking off. For the first four months, I was literally sleeping. I watched season, not just episodes, but seasons upon seasons of television shows. I did do some literature review but it was definitely not much. Now I am down to the last wire and I am sinking. With only 2 thousand words, I am sinking incredibly fast in the dissertation race. The length I need to reach for is no more than 20,000, which puts me at a 10% mark. If I’m going to do all this on time, I need to increase this bad boy to about 70% and definitely before the deadline…because, oh yeah, I have to FedEx and pray it arrives on time. UGH! Why do I procrastinate so much?!

Besides having to deal with the dissertation, I also have to resume some form of normal, adult life. I have to pay my bills and this means I have to be working full time. My student loans going into repayment within a few weeks and I am terribly scared. SCARED! God help me.

Gosh…when will I get to fully enjoy life. 

back

Back on home territory and I feel weird—almost as if I don’t belong. Everything looks ten times dirtier than what I remember it to be. I’m definitely trying really hard to remember why I decided to come back to this place. What I do know for certain is that I don’t want to stay in the same dead end zone forever. It’s about time I stepped into the real world or at least took a step forward to any form of career. Plain and simple, I need money. These loans won’t pay themselves and they will soon go into repayment. Its stressful and totally emotional but I know I came back with somewhat of a purpose-- to have some sort of settled life. Eventually I know I want to settle here but it seems like I have way too much to discover. I need to continue to be somewhat proactive and try to move at least a little bit forward in life. Not to forget, I still have a 15,000-word thesis to hand in. Yikes!

lows and highs

Facing yet another hectic tornado- moving time. As I’m sure many will agree, moving is the absolute worst experience in the world, yet I have no idea why I do it so often. Apparently, the longer the distance, the more expensive the move. To begin with, I’m almost flat broke. After not having worked for an entire year, which I am tremendously grateful for, I have to be able to afford this whole move on nickels and dimes. My current stress levels are over the roof. I’m pretty sure that I am in line for an early stroke. I have to keep telling myself to keep it simple because otherwise I’m going to sink quicker into the quicksand. My current internal debate is whether to furnish my apartment straight away or hold off for months. Quite honestly, regardless of how long I wait, furnishing is no cheap task. I can only sleep on my airbed but for so long, and really how empty will the living room, kitchen, and bathroom have to be. Eventually, I’m going to need shower curtains, a couch, and dinner/cookware.

On the other spectrum is my student loans. Those, unfortunately, won’t go away so quickly. Although I am very keen on lobbying to have them forgiven, I know I’ll have to pay a good chunk of them very soon. It’s not that I’m cheap, well somewhat, is just that education should be a god given right, god dammit- sorry lord baby J. Truly though I am very grateful for having the opportunity to have student loans. Those bad boys have helped me survive for an entire year without wanting much. I was still able to afford tuition, transport, food, shelter, travel, and partying. God bless those shitty student loans.

Onwards I face my credit card debt, which I’m not too worried about. I think it is pretty manageable. I’m not like my crazy aunt who has as much credit card debt as my student loans. What a nut job?! Really who charges so much for furnishings and renovations without a job?! Apparently she should’ve thought about paying back her credit card before she quit her job. Older people nowadays, jeez!

Instead of focusing on this mountain of negativity I have, I should be truly focusing on my blessings. I am still alive, despite swearing I would die by now. There are millions of people living with terminal illnesses which have the best and sunniest dispositions on life. Here I am a sulking Sally, whining about all my problems and my woes instead of living my life properly. On that lead, my health is relatively good. I have free health insurance now, and soon I’ll be able to afford health insurance in the States. Again, millions of people can’t even afford the insurance or haven’t seen a doctor/dentist in ages. Another positive is that I have a home to call my home. An apartment, in a great and lively area, that many would kill to have. Best of all, I’ve lived in many areas like this that many people again would kill to live in. Food, you cannot discount the food. I’ve been fed all the days of my life. If I truly don’t have money, I have people’s fridges to free load off of. I also have a well paying job that I truly enjoy, with people that are awesome and laid back. Best of all, I have the best support network. I have hundreds of people I can talk to and who are willing to help. Truly, I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed and whine about life, I have a great one.

Oh…best, best, best of all, I have an Ipod.  Music helps with a lot of things.

my dirt

Tardiness-

For the last four years, I’ve been at least ten minutes late to everything. Normally I was the one who arrived ten minutes earlier, now I just can’t seem to ever make it on time anywhere.

Procrastination-

It’s gone from somewhat average to seriously detrimental. Days-upon-days I just spend procrastinating. Wasting my time with useless things. Watching hours-upon-hours of TV shows, fixing other people’s problems instead of mine, and leaving everything until the last minute.

Appearance-

As some say, you can tell a lot about a person by just looking at them. Well for me that means I look like a 12-year-old school boy. For months I have seriously not combed my hair. Instead I just wash it and tie it up. I don’t do a darn thing to it. When it becomes to unmanageable, I just wash my hair and retie it. My clothes are so old they have holes all over them. I’m down to about one pair of jeans. Almost all of my jeans have tears in the inner thigh/crotch area. I don’t know if its that I’m too fat, washing them in the wrong setting or that they are just being made cheaper, but almost all have a tear down there. Most of my sneakers are in the same boat. I have a pair of Vans that have to gaping holes through them; I’m not kidding, you can stick your fingers through them and it would come out through the other side.

Whining-

I seem to whine about everything. The way my life is going. The lack of good people around me. My shithole situations sometimes. The fact that I have too many choices. Instead of just rejoicing in the fact that I have more than one option, I constantly dwell into well…I don’t know phase. I whine about how difficult it is for me to make a decision. Millions don’t get the opportunities I get and all I can do is whine about not know what to do.

Eating-

I eat so much junk food. You name it, I’ve probably eaten it. Last week I ate a whole jar of fluff in two days. Every day I drink soda and eat chips. I eat veggies and fruits about once every two weeks. If my food isn’t microwaveable, I don't make it. Well…I think it’s a way better deal than me cooking. Last night I tried to have a “real” meal by making pasta and I almost burnt down the place. Yup…I didn’t even realize I was cooking pasta until about 30 minutes after someone had thankfully taken the pan off the stove all burnt to the crisp.

Attitude-

Gosh I have the worst attitude sometimes. Truckers can barely keep up with my cussing when I get upset. Last November I went off on this receptionist and called her every name imaginable. Good for her for reporting me. I ended up writing an apology sentence—yup, sentence, not letter. I could be such a bitch sometimes.

The above listed are just some of my bad habits. I have a lot of work to do on myself and listing some of the things I need to work on helps.

See….I’m procrastinating now. This whole weekend I spent zero hours on my thesis and now I just keep procrastinating. UGH!

life, it continues

Back from Northern Ireland and Scotland and I feel awesome. The trip was definitely needed. I’m so grateful for having the opportunity to visit both places. Glasgow is by far one of my favourite places. The architecture throughout the city is just purely phenomenal. What can I say about the shopping other than it is just superb. Unfortunately I didn’t enjoy Glasgow as properly as I should have because I didn’t spend the night there. I know Glasgow is this massive party city and I so want to go back there just to party. Belfast City, on the other hand, is really laid back and a true British town, in Ireland. The town of Bushmills, however, was truly a patriotic British town. I’ve never seen so many British flags, not even in London itself. Overall, I truly enjoyed both places. I will definitely make it back to Glasgow.

So now that I am back from holiday I have to sift through hundreds of data. So far I’ve managed to enter 120 survey replies but that doesn’t even come close. My main supervisor is on holiday herself, and the second supervisor is massively busy with her own work. I sort of feel bad because I don’t have the guidance I need at this stage. Yes I’ve collected all this data and I should move forward, but I need pointers. First, I need feedback as to whether my data entry stuff is correct. I’m still lost on which statistical method to use. Second, and more importantly, I’m still unsure as to what my actual thesis question/hypothesis is.

The thesis work is in itself definitely overwhelming but what is also stressful is my impending move to New York. I still have to iron out plenty of details before I can go. The guy who was going to be my roommate hasn’t replied to my email in a week, so I’ve decided to repost the ad. So far I’ve gotten pretty decent replies but still things could get complicated. I’m really hoping things work out smoothly. To tell you the truth, I’m still unsure as to why I’m really heading back. I love New York, want to save the apartment, and desperately need to make a pay check, but at the same time it seems silly to be over there for a few months. All I know is that I need some sort of income, any income. Those loans are definitely not going to pay themselves. Ironically, most of the income I make over there will going into paying rent, credit card debt, and loans. I’ll be pretty much left with about 400 dollars for myself and savings. Well at least it's a whole lot more than I’m making now, which is absolutely zero.