Chupa Chups

sorry but how do you spell that again?

Performance Initiative. It seems I lack this key trait…at work, school, and in life. Whilst checking old work evaluations, I keep coming upon this pattern that I apparently have and refuse to address. It seems I address it sometimes but quickly see a little shiny thing and get more intrigued with it than my original goal. Performance Initiative. What is it really? I am very familiar with the two words by themselves but together what do they really mean for and about me? It is something that needs improving in me and that’s for certain. As any good analytical person, I quickly jumped on the World Wide Web to decipher this pattern of mine. I started with WebMD and nothing substantial popped up. I proceeded with dividing the words and finding a good medium for the two. I found nothing. Absolutely nothing to clue me in as to the real problem, the one that lies within. The only answer I could come up with is WHY. Why do I constantly do this? Why do I do it to myself? Do I feel proud of this? Do I even know what it looks like when it manifests? I can honestly tell you I don’t. I have an inkling of what it looks like but no concrete proof of it. It could be my infamous B average throughout school. Well, you know, it could be the academic career where I was more than complacent to be a B student. Trying was too hard and when I neared failing marks, I quickly started my engines on full blast. Honestly, I don’t know what showing good performance initiative is. I volunteer outside of work; does that count? I allow people existing the building to go first through the doors. I wait at the crosswalk until the light turns green. Performance Initiative. Does it mean that I’m not a big enough brown-noser? Or that I don’t put much effort into things? Perhaps it means all of the above? I didn’t grow up having to show initiative. I was forced by my mother to do things; you could even say guilted or manipulated into it. I believe she made the environment difficult for me to even develop an initiative trait. Feeling guilty when I didn’t do things or punished when I didn’t do things. How’s that for development? BUT I can’t keep blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life. I have to take responsibility of my own actions. I think I’m more than old enough to know how the world works and know what I need to do. Principals above personalities is what I hear. You are there to do a job. You do it to the best of your abilities. You make sure you do it well and don’t protest. Performance Initiative. It’s something I’m going to work on. It is something I think I’ve always been aware of and refused to acknowledge. Do you want to move up in the world Chupa Chups? If so, I suggest your increase your performance initiative.

remember those?

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (or maybe not), people used to have lunch breaks. During these lunch breaks, people would eat and relax. They would step outside of the office and look at the clear blue sky, sun, and clouds. They would feel the air on their cheeks and feel alive and awake again. Once their hour lunch breaks were up, they would return to work refreshed and ready to trek on with the rest of their day. The lunch hour marked the middle of their day. It meant that the morning was over and the countdown until 5 or 5:30 commenced. Alas, this was a long, long time ago and in a land far, far away (or maybe not). Lunch breaks were awesome for me. I would step outside and meet friends. Enjoy what the day had to offer; whether it was rain, snow, sunshine, or just dark skies. I enjoyed them once. They were much needed breaks. Now they seem like a distant memory. My work day revolves around me sitting on this not-so-comfortable and by no means ergonomic chair and desk. I stare at a computer screen for eight hours. Exactly eight hours. I can’t last a minute longer or else I face the wrath of upper management. The only reliefs I have are bathroom and water breaks. Oh how I treasure these breaks so, so much. They are the highlight of my day now. I try to do either or both of these activities at least once an hour. It helps, you know. It helps my eyes. It helps my rear end. It helps my legs. It feeds my soul. It tells me that I’m not really chained to my wooden desk with my paper made name plate. Yes, I made a paper name plate. It’s painted in beautiful markers. I even drew a smiley face on it. It’s the only thing smiling these days at this desk. Oh how in that land far, far away I enjoyed paid lunch breaks. I enjoyed them SO much.

dearest lord baby jesus....

Overall, I’m “happier” these days. Today I’m not so “happy,” I’m more peeved than anything. However, the saddened/angry state of today may be the result of all this angry garage and rock music I’m listening to. OR it could be this new system of rules I have to adhere to at work. I don’t mind doing the new requirements, but I do mind when the programs I need to now use don’t work, especially when I may get less pay if they don’t work. I’m cool with the new rules but please have a program and computers that work. By the time my computer loads and the program finally decides to start up, I’m already 10-20 minutes into my day. When I sign into the program it notes me as that time, not the 10-20 minutes I was already here. Did I mention if I don’t meet the proper requirements every two weeks I won’t get paid the same amount? You know what; I’m not going to talk about this issue anymore. It’s too frustrating. What I would like to talk about is what I finally mustered the courage to do today. I emailed. I emailed my former tutor to inquire about my master’s standing. I was told in April 2009 that I would need to wait an additional 7 months to see what the examiner’s board would decide on my case. Unfortunately, I’ve been waiting on this degree since 2008. I’m being patient though. I want it. I deserve it and I most certainly am paying for it. If things don’t work out, I won’t be too disappointed, I hope. I have other plans in the works. I was too scared to ask back in December and January about the results. This morning I decided to email my tutor tomorrow but since I had some free time today, I felt like no time like the present. SO I’m hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. It’s what I grew up doing and it is a motto/action that has helped me a lot.

Open letter to Lord Baby Jesus:

Dear Lord Baby Jesus:

How are you? Are you and your dad doing OK? Are you all OK with this “financial crisis”? I hope you all are.

Towards the end of my masters program in 2008, I found out some devastating news. I had failed a class and my tutor died. I was definitely taken aback by both. The news of my failing came first. I was distraught. It was the first time in my life I had truly failed a class. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was hurt, mortified, and confused. I had failed a class. While confiding in really good friends, who I definitely and truly thank you for, I marched on. I went to my tutor’s office to see what we could do about the situation. He said he didn’t know what we had to do yet. I was really proud of myself for the way I handled the situation. The news could’ve been truly detrimental to me, especially since I prided myself on my school smarts, but it wasn’t. I decided to go along with whatever I needed to do. Give it my all and fight for my degree. I was allowed to resubmit the work without having to take the course. However, I wasn’t allowed to hand in the work until the course was giving, which wasn’t until spring 2009. Although I was annoyed at having to wait so long, I patiently waited. When the time came, I stayed up nights doing the work. I had succeeded with the essay this time but narrowly failed the exam again. I was disappointed with my exam results but happy about the essay. My new tutor/dissertation advisor said I’d have to wait until the examiners met in November. SO I waited seven more months. Sometimes I waited patiently and sometimes impatiently. Somewhere in the middle I decided to “let go and let god.” I couldn’t control things anymore. It was out of my hands. I worked with the department to work on a solution. I upheld my part of the bargain and now it was completely out of my control. I have no influence over the examiners; heck, I don’t even know who they are. I had to wait. I had to let go of the out of the examiners’ meeting. For a few months I forgot about the whole ordeal. That is, until November. The feelings of insecurity and failure crept up again. I knew it was approaching meeting time. For the whole month of November I was stressed and petrified. I was dealing with a lot that month- moving house and financial recovery. When December came, I checked my email and mailbox religiously. When January approached, I figured it was just the post taking forever and that I’d hear something in mid January. January came and went and nothing. Now in the middle of February, I’m questioning things. Well, to be honest, I was just moving forward. I decided to pursue my PhD, with or without my masters degree. At this point, I’m just tired of living in fear. I want to move forward and finally realize my one and true dream/goal. I hope the news regarding the meeting was favorable, but I must forage forward. It is the Lord’s will, not my own. In the end, I don’t need a masters to reach my dream. I hope things are favorable, but if things aren’t, I understand. I will not hold any grudges, or at least try not to. I will move forward. Well, Lord Baby Jesus, by now you must be wondering what I’m going on about and what the purpose of this letter is. The purpose of this letter is to tell you that I’ll be OK. I’ll be OK with whatever decision you and your dad make. I’ll be hurt if things don’t work out for the best but I’ll be strong enough to continue. I wanted to tell you that I’m OK. I’m holding up better these days. I wanted to tell you that I am grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given. Although I haven’t always appreciated them, I’m still grateful for them. I’m grateful for my life and where I am. I’m grateful for how far I’ve gotten. I’m grateful for still being alive, even though sometimes I’m not a fan of it. I’m grateful for having a roof over my head, a job, food in the fridge, a supportive partner, and a good therapist. For today, I am OK. Thank you. Thank you for being my rock and always watching over me. Lord Baby Jesus, I don’t appreciate all the death I’ve had to endure these past two years but I’m starting to be OK with it. I’m using them as signs to live my life. Too many good lives have been taken prematurely. My tutor was one of them. He deserved the world. He was smart and loved by all. He was definitely a promising superstar in the anthropology world. He deserved longer time. He could’ve done so many great things. I understand that I can’t always know why people die but I do think it’s unfair for such a beautiful soul to pass. I accept your decision. I may not be happy with it but I accept it. I know he’s in a much better place. I’m grateful for having met him. He was and still is an inspiration to me. Thank you for blessing me with his presence. In conclusion, I would like to finally express one last thank you. Thank you. I’ll be OK.

Sincerely,

Chupa Chups

oh lover boy Rothy-poo

Hello Roth! Would you like to be my new boyfriend? I think you do. New boyfriend, I think we are going to be together for a very long time. Rothy-poo I commit to invest in you, and us, for the next forty or so years. I hope that you will grow for and with me. I hope that you bring nothing but abundance and security to my life. Rothy-poo, I think I love you. Rothiscle I’m a bit confused about you. Where do we begin our new adventure? You know I’m starting from the bare, bare minimum, i.e., fifty dollars is what I’m looking to start off with. Would you like that as a setup? Would you deny me and our love? Rothy-poo, don’t reject me for not being up to your standards. I can grow. We can grow together! Baby, baby, baby...give us a chance. Give this love an amazing chance…perhaps 10-15% return. Rothy, Rothy, Rothy….I love you!

watcha got cookin' 2010!

Hey 2010!

How do you do? I’m doing better. Thanks for asking. 2010 you’ve been OK to me. I’ve had my bipolar episodes but they don’t seem too bad. 2010, what do you have in store for me? Will my funk disappear? Will I finally come to terms with myself? 2010, I wanted a dog so very much for 2009. Sadly, I never got one. Now that you are here, I believe the dog will come to me. People keep mentioning how it’s a major responsibility to have a dog. You’d think I was asking people if I could have a baby. It annoys me in a way. I understand they come from a good place but whenever I hear people be negative, I just can’t help wonder how much of it is their own insecurities about the issue. Let’s look at the facts: I’ve never been a dog owner, not by choice, of course. I’ve always loved dogs. Throughout the years I’ve had plenty of contacts with dogs. I’ve walked friends’ dogs. I doggy-sat two French bull dogs for an entire weekend. Since they were young pups, they pretty much tore up the place. I understand that having a puppy for 2-3 days is way different than having it for 10 years. I know vet bills can get pretty out of hand. But people….I’ve always loved dogs. The only reason I’ve never owned one was because a) my brother had asthma growing up and was petrified of dogs b) almost every placed I’ve lived in had a no pet policy. I understand that owning a pet means limited apartments available but limited does not mean NO apartments available. Yes some apartments may require a deposit and others won’t accept a certain size but I can handle it. Listen people, I’ve entered this stage in my life where nothing matters. I’m bored and tired of it all. I really see no point to living any further. I’m not saying that a dog will cure this but at least I’ll have something to do. As it stands, I live to work and work to live. My life consists of waking up, trying to get to work on time, and just wasting my life in front of TV for about an hour or three until I have to go to work again. Weekends are pretty uneventful at this point. As I said, I’m bored and tired. Maybe it’s not fair to bring a dog to this environment but perhaps it’ll give me something to think about. I don’t know. At times I see this “my wanting a dog” parallel to people wanting children to love. BUT I’ve been trying to get a dog and so far it’s been incredibly unsuccessful. It’s a simple task but somehow it’s becoming a big thing. I’ve tried several times to foster a dog but those shelters don’t really reply to me. You’d think with so many animals being euthanized they’d want to save at least one. Sometimes I get seriously discouraged. I really don’t get it. How can this take me forever to do? Why is it so difficult? Well, in two to three months I’m going to see where my financial situation is. If I’ve been able to settle myself and save enough for a dog then I’ll proceed. If not, perhaps it’s time I throw in the white towel.

….

I’ve decided to get more serious about my future; more specifically, my financial future. It’s about time, don’t you think? I want to buy an apartment, preferably a condo. I’m not a major fan of co-ops and having people vote you in. I’m thinking of purchasing one really, really dirt cheap. I want to fix it up that way I’m envisioning it in my head. First, I want to start with the bathroom. I want the bathroom, and possibly the whole apartment, to have a music system installed in the walls. Since I want music blaring, I’ll probably need to insulate the apartment properly to make it soundproof. SO imagine showering with music coming out of the walls. The sound system would have to be of really good quality. I don’t want it to sound all static-y and stuff. I’m thinking something along the lines of department stores. You know how shop around and the sound quality is awesome but there are no big bulky basses/amps (whatever they are called)…just like that; or when you are in the elevator that the sound is so crisp. You get the gist. Once the sound is properly installed, I want heated floors. Who wants to step out of the shower on cold tiles? Not me. Did I mention my steam room/sauna option in the shower component? The shower component that would be able to fit at least two full desks side-by-side and chairs on either end but don’t forget the lovely glass doors either. Also, it has a seating area where I could also choose to lay on. I haven’t decided the material of the bathroom but I know it’s going to be nice tiles. As for the tub, it’ll probably have to house a Jacuzzi type of power. I’m sort of stumped on the tub but I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure it out soon enough. I want it to be like that classic tub. You know what I mean. Where you can fill the tub up with bubbles, rest your head back, and best of all have plenty of space nearby for your glass of vino, salts, and other essentials. I need my bathroom to be overall soothing because it’ll be my own private oasis, my sanctuary. I definitely don’t say a bathroom leading directly to a bedroom. I require a “staging” room. It needs to have a big mirror and smaller handheld mirrors, some of which are magnifying. In this small in between area, I want a very soft ottoman type chair. I want it to have tons of storage space for my tampons, cotton balls, nail polish, etc. I think this room should be carpeted. Something about this carpeted nook just makes it feel oh-so-special. As with almost every room, this one will need a window. I require the music to flow into this room as well. Lighting is definitely key- as usual. I believe this is also the room where I put my make-up on and clear my face up for bed. I proceed to my bedroom, a sanctuary of its own. In this room, I have no television. My bed is plush and very, very welcoming. In a corner of the room, I have a chaise where I love to read a book under my cashmere throw and sip tea. The view is spectacular when my automatic blinds are up. I’m looking for special windows that are remote controlled for this function. If you know of a good window company, let me know. My wardrobe isn’t in this room. I have a walk in closet for that. It’s the size of my one-bedroom now. I love it! Well I best get back to work so I can afford this gorgeous space. Laters!

hello there 2010

2010. What can I say? All I can really say is that I’m waiting for you with open arms and empty pockets. Although I’ll be entering your glorious year almost penniless, I’m incredibly grateful to be one giant and personal debt free. This Christmas eve I have the funds to payback a dear friend. She was kind enough to loan me a big deal of money in a not-so-good time and I’m very grateful to her and for her. It has been less than two months and I’m finally able to clear out my debt. Although it has been a struggle, it is definitely an objective that was high on my to-do list. I’m incredibly grateful this Christmas eve and definitely humbled, which is a lot more than I can say about my attitude and behavior this past month. I’m definitely grateful. I’m grateful for an incredible friend (and friends) who, without asking, offered to help me. Asking for help is definitely new to my lifestyle and my vocabulary but I’m glad I got over it. I accepted the help and boy was it necessary. Their help got me out of a real financial situation- one that I was in complete denial about. I’m glad it’s over! I’m glad I’m about to hand my friend the last of the money she loaned me. I’m glad I made the decision to get out of the financial mess- even though those involved weren’t too happy with me. I stood up for myself. I stood my ground. I sought my financial freedom over others. Throughout this ordeal, I learned that a lot of people are out for themselves (of course, part of evolution so I can’t really blame them) and it’s completely fine. It wasn’t that people are out for themselves only. The problem was that I was always out for them and not me at all. I came in 789 when everyone else came as top 10. Unfortunately, it was my doing. No one is to really blame. However, I’m not going to stop putting others first at times. I just have to make it a priority to put me first 80-90 percent of the time. 2010 I await you with open arms. 2009 was a year of experience and excitement. I enjoyed every minute of it. With you, 2010, I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that I will be a bit more mature but a bit more loving as well. I know that I will expect you more financially savvy. I’ll become closer to being the person I envision myself to be. Obviously, the layover of 2009 will carry. For example, I still need to tie up some personal loosen ends. Hopefully it won’t be too late. I hope they won’t be too mad. In any case, 2010 I await you. I have high hopes for you and myself. I’m reaching for the sky and grabbing it by the balls. Once I grab said balls, I’ll paint them red with black and white polka dots. Expect me 2010 a whole new person.

bruised and battered

I’ve been beating myself up lately. Why? Well because I feel like it. I feel like crap and it shows in the exterior. My face resembles a pepperoni pizza, again. For about a week or so, my eyes were in poor health and I couldn’t wear contacts. Hooded sweatshirts are the preferred outfit for every day of the week. Tardiness is a big word in my vocabulary. The apartment is a shit hole. It’s dusty and dirty. I’ve got the funk. I’ve got it bad. Perhaps happiness is just an illusion- a cruel joke like the American dream. Laughter is all that remains of me, and I seldom see it these days. Why? Why do I continue to battle this epic battle? Why can’t I just be content and happy? Either there is something better or I’m comparing myself with others or myself. Nothing seems to be OK and everything seems a distant memory. I’ve slacked. I’ve slacked badly. How do I get out of this? I hate this frumpy, dumpy mood. I want to finally make a reality of this image I have of myself. This strong, successful, powerful, and caring individual whose get it all going on for her. It’s not like I don’t encompass some of the qualities, I just feel that perhaps I can develop them just a tad more. Gosh! I feel like crap. My muffin top is slowly becoming a muffin roll. I’m even developing a top roll. How and when did I let it get this bad? I need help. An intervention. Salvation or a miracle, I’ll take either or both. I need help.

with open arms

Usually an eight month courtship, at least three nights sleeping in the same bed, and eating Thanksgiving dinner with the family are signs of a serious and committed relationship. You would think these individuals were serious about one another and were heading down the road to the next level, i.e., either moving in together or marriage. At the very least, you would expect both parties to be in love with each other. For my current relationship, this is not the case. We enjoy each others company and are overall satisfied with one another. However, love is not a word I can use. Something is missing for me. He encompasses some of the major criteria I desire but not the ideal one. This one criterion is the one I truly seek in all my relationships and it seems to be non-existent. My current partner is sweet, thoughtful, funny, sexy, and overall a good time. He can adapt well to all my environments. We seem to fit with one another. However, it is just not there for me; or at least not wholly. I need this one criterion. The one I truly desire. I’ve seen it in some friends but only the first stage. If I find someone that can at least accommodate me through stage three, I’ll take him. Otherwise, I’ll keep searching. I won’t be content with settling. I have nothing to gain or lose by settling. Nothing in life is that important to me anymore but I feel as if I could share that one thing with someone I may be able to enjoy it just a little bit more. Of course, he’ll also have to have the others. I’m sorry but they all must fit. The puzzle won’t be complete without it. None will do without it. I think I had that once. Someone back when encompassed this special criterion. He also had a lot of the other ones. He seemed to fit well. However, it wasn’t there for me. Something didn’t click completely. I need the click. This clicking I need is somewhat of an unusual thing. I can’t move on with my work until the click is done. I don’t purchase items until the click. I don’t do many things until the click, clicks. It sometimes makes me feel as if I’m somehow slow or challenged. Why do I need this click to go off in my head? Let’s stay focused, back to my desired partner. Where is he (or she)? I can’t discriminate. It’s the qualities I desire. The qualities make my partner. Where is my partner? I sometimes think I feel my partner nearing. Something is telling me it is coming. Hopefully I won’t miss it. Its funny how you go through life, all confused and in a daze, and slowly the puzzle starts to fit. You pull your hair trying to figure it out and once you stop tugging that’s when the puzzle begins to make sense. I’m moving forward. My heart and body are throbbing. I’m guessing this means a good thing. I’m feeling nostalgic but not so much. Sometimes it feels empowering because I reminisce about my past loves and come to the realization that they suck and this list is exactly what I want. I await for you my partner. With open arms and love.

did the sky mourn for the teacher as well?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Teach. Teach. Teach! I have a question for you. How is it that I can’t forget about you? Was it the way you wore your white Ts? Was it the blue-hooded sweatshirt you seemed to never take off? Your eyes were definitely dreamy and swimmable. With that smile of yours you could get away with murder. Did I enjoy our dinners out? Or did I enjoy cooking for you? Remember when I fell from running back and forth that day? It was the first time I had ever cooked for anyone. I cooked you a four course meal. I even conducted a pre-dinner date run. I was definitely nervous. It didn’t help that I was running in heels that day. Was your ghetto fab your most appealing quality? What was it about you that still has me hooked? Was it your fabulous duplex apartment in the heart of the West Village? I would totally love to have that apartment of yours. It was incredible, spacious, and most importantly your roommate was hardly ever there. Did our conversations attract me the most? I don’t think so. I don’t remember many quality ones. Ahhh…I spoke too soon. I do remember a particular one after I heard devastating news. You were nice about my situation; didn’t make me feel as stupid as I felt. Do you remember the Mets games we watched? I enjoyed that about you…the fact that you were a Mets fan. Remember Reservoir and the bowling alley? What was it about you that had me hooked? Was it that you were one of the last Americans I dated before heading across the pond? Something about you stuck with me. It stuck with me more than your resemblance to my friend Joe, which at first I could not get past. I enjoyed being with you. You were funny. You were a musician. The first musician I dated. I didn’t enjoy your casual, casual dress for everywhere we went. It was rather a turnoff. However, eventually I took a liking to it. How am I still hooked on you? It has been over two years now since we met and our whatever-you-want-to-call-it ended. It pained me to go away. I felt a connection with you. I don’t know what it was but it was something for me. You were one of the youngest guys I dated and yet you seemed mature for your age. You were well travelled. You spoke another language besides English. You enjoyed music. You enjoyed the classics. You enjoyed Motown hits. I enjoy Motown hits. We danced in your living room. The moment was spectacular. One weekend we were prisoners of your space. We did nothing but sleep, eat, and have sex. It was magical. When I stepped out of your place, I felt a cosmic shift. It was as if I was stepping into another realm. I was floating at your place and had stepped into some sort of heaven. Now that I’m walking down memory lane, I distinctly remember a disastrous moment. Do you know what I’m talking about? It was when you were really drunk. I met you after your concert, which I apologize yet again for missing most of it. We went with your friends to the local bar and had a few Stellas. The night eventually became a haze so we took a cab back to your place with your brother. In the hours between your passing out and your wake the next morning, the bed became heavily soiled. Soiled with urine I think. I can’t confirm with certainty but I’ve never peed in bed nor sweated so profusely as to wet an entire bed. Since there were only two of us there, I’m pretty sure the blame lies within you. Ahhh…good times? Eventually things between us became gray. I didn’t know what we were doing. I would’ve stayed in New York for you. You never asked. You wanted me to go and explore. I remember you telling me to keep in touch. I did but you didn’t. When I returned for the holidays, you were one of the only people I wanted to see. I saw you and slept with you. During the wee hours of the morning, I had to tinkle. While searching for my underoos, I spotted a brassiere. This D-cup brassiere was not mine. My little Bs don’t fit in such a massive bra. I didn’t expect for you to stay faithful to me or mourn me but I wanted some sort of residue of me in your heart. Did you even care? Did you even like me? At times it didn’t seem clear. Suffice it to say, I got the picture. I didn’t like the feeling that morning. I wanted out and I blamed jetlag for my need to scurry off at 6am. The morning walk of shame I think I’ve perfected. Never be too dressy when you go out and always carry flats, sunglasses, a hair tie, and a toothbrush and toothpaste in your bag. Now I remember the Fourth of July. You ignored me then. I remember it was a rainy Fourth of July. I had decided to “White trash” it and had gotten my six-pack, lawn chair, and headed up to the roof with my little Ipod player. It was a sad day. It was a rainy day. I listened to the soundtrack of Lily Allen. She was popular back when. It felt horrible that day to be me. I mourned for us as the skies mourned. I don’t know who cried more that day, the sky or me.

remembering earl gray

Once I almost “fell in love.” I didn’t reach the deep stages of love but I definitely brushed up upon the first stage. It was the summer of 2004. His name was….Earl Gray. I had just broken up with my “fiancée” and I was definitely ready to mingle. We first met at the Mets game. His future brother-in-law was raising money for charity or had purchased tickets for charity. Hmmm….who knows…I can’t remember correctly. In any case, we met at a Mets game. He was there with his family and I was the guest of my friend (our mutual friend) and had brought along my niece and nephew. We didn’t really talk that day but we definitely noticed each other. After a few days or even a week or two, he invited our mutual friend to a party and she brought me along. I invited three of my friends to tag along as well. (Hmm…what’s with my bringing the entourage?) We all partied the night away. The crowd I hung out with those days was pretty wild so there was never a dull moment. After being there about an hour, Earl Gray and I still hadn’t “talked.” We had some flirtatious moments but definitely not a “moment.” Later on that night we danced. He looked extra hot close up. I looked really hot and thin those days. By the end of the night my friends and I were wasted…and we have the pictures to prove it. Hmmm…I don’t remember exactly what comes next but either we exchanged numbers that night or our friend gave it to him later on. Even though I was definitely drunk that night, I was smitten. Earl Gray was exactly what I asked for in a mate- tall, dark, and handsome. He had gorgeous eyes and an even sexier smile. His hair was awesome. He wore a black collared shirt with jeans that night. He looked cute. I can’t remember exactly how our first date went down…who asked who or the conversations that happened in between. All I can remember is that we ate dinner at Fiamma in SoHo. It was an awesome and very expensive place. Can’t remember what I wore but I know I ordered the chicken and a few glasses of either wine or some other lovely cocktail. I was drunk by the end of dinner. We somehow were at some bus stop in SoHo. He asked me back to his place. I think we caught the tail end of Gothika. We finally kissed at his place. It was sweet. Nothing happened past nice (very nice) kisses. At our next date he cooked dinner for me at his place. I know I looked rather conservative that night. I think I wore a black top. I remember the tomato basil appetizer. I brought the dessert. ;) It was a selection of little sweets from Vinero’s. We definitely had wine that night. I was definitely nervous and so was he. I know that early on I went to South Beach for a bachelorette party. During my time at SoBe, I meet a very cute and flirtatious Israel guy who I kissed. Earl Gray called me while I was down there. I was excited about him. When I landed at JFK, he was waiting at the gate for me. The entourage of girls just looked on with silly grins on their faces. I waved goodbye and got in his jeep. I was honest with him. I told him about the Israeli guy. Things were never quite easy with the two of us. He had former girlfriend issues and I just didn’t know what to do. He worked with his ex-girlfriend so there was no avoiding her. I was the dependable ear. This ex-girlfriend definitely put a strain on our relationship. The sex….was somewhat fun….I felt liberated. He allowed me free reign; he was game for whatever. I was so excited about that that I tried to imagine of anything and everything I could think of. Alas, the summer of love came to an end. We had broken up. After a few days of being broken up, we somehow got back together but kept it quiet. No one knew we had decided to start all over. Unfortunately, this is where things got complicated. Our mutual friend would tell him that I was seeing other people already, which wasn’t true. He would hear about this guy and the other. Eventually, we called it quits for good. Well…he did. Early one weekend morning…I knew it was coming. Something inside of me said it was. I sort of braced myself for it. From the beginning, I know things weren’t going to turn out well but I knew I had to experience what I did. Something inside of me said I had to do it and told me it was going to hurt. It did hurt. However, it also felt great. I felt a bit of it. I felt the love that people feel when they’re “in love.” After that relationship, I realized that my decision to end it with the fiancée was the correct choice. I did love my former fiancée but I wasn’t in love with him….that’s a major difference, a difference I learned with Earl Gray. Ooooo how the memories are flooding back. The museum conversation about the ex. The Queer Eye for the Single Man episodes. The L word episodes. The bloody mary at brunch conversation. The trips to his parent’s house. For a good long while I mourned Earl Gray. He was a part of me….even if it was just for a few months. I felt more connected with him emotionally than with my 3+ year relationship with the fiancée. I still on occasion mourn Earl Gray. On April 25, 2009, Earl Gray married another woman. Let’s call her Lady Gray. The wedding photos look nice and he looks happy. No one knows that I know the date and have seen the pictures but I do. One good thing to point out is that Earl Gray definitely doesn’t look the same. He is definitely starting to look his age or a lot older. Also, his metabolism sure as heck has slowed down. In any case, I wish Earl Gray tons of love and life. I’m glad he found his match. He deserves to be happy.

om...om.....om....

Om. Om. Om. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in through the nose, see the air flow from your nostrils down to your lungs and then to the other parts of your body. Please repeat the procedure and don’t let the cramping of your legs bother you. If only I had an endless amount of time to meditate. I would wake up at 4:30 am and meditate for about an hour or two. When the buzzard rings 6:30 onward I go to my morning yoga practice. It’s 7:30 so I must head in the shower. 7:40 get out of the shower and dressed for work. Don’t forget to have breakfast. Finally 8:30 walk out of the door. If only things were like this. I would so love it. Once I would finish with work for the day, I would eat a hearty dinner with at least two servings of vegetables. Following my meal, I would rest for an hour with a good Buddhism book. It’s 8:00pm so it’s time for evening meditation. By 9:00pm I would be done and prepping for bed and the following day. 10pm means lights out. Ahhh…seems so serene.

…. Well that’s my dream.

The reality is that I’m slightly overwhelmed. I’ve decided to postpone my LSATs until June, which apparently is the optimal date to take the exam. I’ve decided to also postpone applications until 2011. However, I’ll still be getting my materials ready. Postponing the LSATs has meant lots of free time and definitely less stress. It’s really expensive to apply for law schools. Now I have more time to focus on my move. Yes I’m moving, again! It’s happening shortly! It was hectic trying to talk with my landlord about my options, looking for a new place, gathering application materials, coming up with the money at such a short notice, and meanwhile try to manage my current bills….and did I mention my sanity? Ugh! It’s been crazy. BUT once I settled on a new place, figured out the logistics to that, and decided to postpone the LSATs things just seemed to flow better. I took a few days off of work to just do nothing. All I really did was yoga. I did as minimal as possible and it was awesome. I still had to deal with little hiccups along the way- my current roommate, money situation, etc. I’m glad most things are resolved. Once I complete the move and things settle down, I’m hoping to continue with things (AKA life).

the elitist in me?

Welcome to the Upper East Side, the home of Manhattan’s elite. :/ It’s lease renewal time. Will I be staying in the hip and trendy East Village or heading on up to the Upper East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky? SO my lease is up at the end of November. I’ve had my lease renewal form since late summer but was somehow hoping to muster the courage to ask for a rent reduction. As the eternal procrastinator that I am, I’ve waited to the end of October to ask about it. So far I haven’t been able to contact my landlord. I’ve tried her twice this week and she’s just never in. I’m hoping things work out in my current apartment because I won’t have to provide a security deposit or move. Worst case scenario is that I’d have to move to a different apartment in the same building. However, last night I was looking at apartments and found a really affordable one in the Upper East Side. It’s a studio, which means downsize but it means all me and no roommate. The apartment’s kitchen and bathroom is a little on the small size but that’s to be expected of a studio. On the other hand, the main room fits a queen size bed, desk, dresser, and breakfast bar comfortably with enough room to walk. The closet is a walk-in, which is phenomenal. The rent includes utilities minus wireless. With the move uptown I’d have a few hundred bucks each month instead of a few bucks. The down side is that I’ll have to take the train, which is a good 10-15 minute trek, and have transportation costs. I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping my landlord can work something out. The studio wants immediate occupancy and I can’t afford security and first months. At best what I can do is provide the security and then on the first provide move-in, which I’d probably talk to them about a pro-rated rate for November 15th move-in. Moving is such a hassle. Since the boy drives and has a car, I won’t need to pay for a U-haul or bribe one of my friends to help me move. UGH! The Upper East Side is so pretentious though and so grown-up. Perhaps it’s the move I need….after all this coming Saturday I’m officially a year older. Approaching thirty is no fun but I must grow up. I have grown a lot this year. My priorities have drastically changed and so have my expenses. I now have student loan debt. I can no longer afford to dish out loads on living expenses. My credit card debt won’t go away if I only pay the minimum. College life was great. Having ramen noodles, pizza, and ice cream dinner was great but my metabolism is slowing down drastically. I can no longer eat those for dinner or breakfast, unfortunately. I have to now watch what I eat and make sure I exercise properly. Sleeping in futons is no longer fun. I guess I’m just nearing that point. I have friends who have babies and white-knuckle it to the ‘burbs. City life becomes a distant memory for them and their main priority is providing a loving environment for their little offspring. I’m no where near “Offspringville” but perhaps it’s time to act my age? Perhaps it’s time to embrace my next stage in life. I need more cash, job security, an emergency fund, and to pay down my debt. I’d like to dress better and more mature. If I could survive the quiet town living of London, perhaps the Upper East Side won’t be so bad. :/

cherie!!! cherie!!!

Bonjour Chérie! Comment allez-vous?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live a summer, or two, in France to learn French? Cherie it’d be perfect! It would be like Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Eat, Pray, Love. It would be so, so divine! Although Gilbert learned Italian in Italy, I would learn French in France. The more I think of this idea and compare it to what Gilbert did the more attractive it is sounding. Imagine it cherie, a summer in France learning French, a summer in Italy learning Italian, and a summer in Portugal learning Portuguese. The idea is just phenomenal! Now for the logistics; where am I going to come up with that kind of money and allowed time off? Well, if I get into law school, summers would be off. If I get into the Teaching Fellows, summers would be off. So that sort of solves the summers issue but what about the monetary issue? It’d be more wonderful to just travel, travel, and travel all over the world for a year or two. Teach English here and there; learning foreign customs and languages. I’d be a whole new individual with a bunch of new experiences to share. This is a new dream. I’m writing it down in the book. I want to travel. A year of traveling won’t do, it’d have to be about two and a half. Within those two plus years, I want to visit all seven continents, visit the major oceans, and travel to both poles and the equator. Yes, this is my new dream/goal. I will do it. I will accomplish it. I like, no love, this new dream of mine.

LSAT

Law School Admissions Test- To be among the best, the elite of the elite, you have to score the best. Perfection is mandatory on this examination that is supposed to test your logical and analytical thinking. As imperative as it is to score the highest, I’m not looking for a perfect score. I’m looking to score just above average. Unfortunately, my undergraduate GPA is atrocious at best and law schools wouldn’t look at me twice. The only option I have to make them look is to score really, really high on the LSATs. I will be one of tens of thousands applying for about one hundred or so positions for the Fall 2010 entering class. My pursuit is no small feat but it is definitely not an impossible feat. With my relentless spirit, I know I can do it. Despite the immense task that lies ahead of me, I think the most arduous battle I’ll be fighting is with my self-defeating self. Yes, with myself. Fighting the negative demon that lies within me is by far the greatest challenge I will ever face. It is this specific demon that comes out in the most inopportune times. It wants me to be complacent. It wants me to obey and fully succumb to it. I struggle daily to keep it at bay. Unfortunately, not every day is a good day and it has the best of me. For now I shall take baby steps. I feel as if I take smaller steps the demon won’t notice much movement. It will continue to believe that I am in full cooperation of its commands. Slowly, very slowly, I will come out from under its brutal, forceful grip. Those sharpened talons can’t hold me forever.