Chupa Chups

space

My own mortality approaches. I can feel it breathing down my neck. The moments I have left here are fleeting; I am on borrowed time. Soon, very soon, death will come for me. Such a grim opening for a Monday, no? Well, what else should I have written about? In merely a few hours, I shall be older than dirt- well not quite, but close. Life is about the living, and right now, or at least at certain times, I feel like I am occupying valuable space. It feels like I should step aside for a more suitable candidate. Perhaps a candidate who would make more of its time than I have. Would I be acting so eh about everything if I knew for a fact that I only had a few days? Shouldn’t I be living for the moment instead of pondering if I can even step outside? What is this void I have and why can’t I seem to fill it? I am not satisfied anywhere. Nothing seems to make me happy enough to want to see it through. Would anything spark enough life in me to keep me going? My motivation is dwindling and I am fleeting away. Soon, I will be nothing but bones. What can people say about my life? Absolutely nothing. My accomplishments are pitiful in comparison to the ones I can be making if I had a muse or a passion. The little passion I have now seems to fade in and out. It doesn’t stay long enough for me to want to see the next day through. I am left alone. I wander the streets and I still can’t find what I am looking for. It is not at home and it is not in this torture island amusement park. Crap. Everything in my life turns to crap. By no means am I a Jill of all trades. I suck at almost everything I do.

yet another session of procrastination

One of the best things about living here are the weekends. They are so much more relaxing. I guess it is because I am still not in the full swing of things. Whatever the reason may be, I just seem to be more relaxed and I like it. I guess these are the moments I need to reflect and catch up with things. Unfortunately, I sometimes get too relaxed and don’t want to do anything. Lately the only thing that I do want to do is catch up on all the missed TV. I don’t really get it. Since I am not working a full time job, I thought I would have more time, but I don’t. The hours seem so few in the day. Sometimes I try to catch up with late nights, but I always end up falling asleep. It seems that the max studying I can get in a day is three hours. How? I’m only really in school for about two to three hours tops. If you factor in travel time to and from school, it still wouldn’t add up to the missed hours. I need to really manage my time a whole lot better. I’m slowly wasting away some good hours. Instead of being productive, I am catching up on missed TV time. Guess this is just part of my procrastination. Instead of studying, like I had planned to, I am writing this blog and I just finished watching Good Luck Chuck—eh, the movie sucked somewhat…typical Hollywood. Alrighty, it all starts with me. I should be trying to understand what leads to all this procrastination and time wasting. Is it lack of scholarly confidence? I think so. Is it the workload? Perhaps but this is graduate school, a bigger workload is expected. Hmm…..need to take some serious inventory. Ok, so it is five after 6, no more procrastinating after like 8- ha. Hey you have to start somewhere.

feeling the pinch

These past few weeks I have been definitely feeling the international money pinch. My pockets are emptier than ever. Money has never been one of my top driving forces, but I think that will soon change. I really can’t continue living like this. Everything is so expensive. In reality, it isn’t to me, but because I am not making any money, it sure does feel like it. If the dollar would only gain some value it would be great. Why is it dropping so much? Is this Bush’s doing? Crappola! A job, any job, is definitely needed in the near future. The problem I have is that I am overqualified to work at a bar. Don’t really think I am, but once they look at my resume they won’t even give me a shot because I have no real “physical work” experience. I would so love to be a dog walker right now. Don’t mind picking up the poop or playing with the pup. Whenever I’ve applied to work in customer service type jobs, I never get them. Yeah, so I don’t really like people much, but I’ll fake it if I need the money badly enough.

As I’ve mentioned above, I’ve been here now a few weeks. Besides the money issues, I’m enjoying my little adventure. It doesn’t seem much like it though. I do the same thing I used to do back home. School is ok. I am slowly getting the hang of it and it is almost ending as well. Will definitely be sad when classes are over. I would really like to be doing more stuff, but with the lack of funds that is a major no-no. I am trying to conserve the little that I have now, which because of this whole dollar thing isn’t much.

Eh! Life, what can I do about it? Crying won’t help much, so I just have to keep on trucking.

catch-up

I have abandoned you terribly. I apologize for this. It wasn’t my intent to leave you behind, but several events have prevented me from writing. No, these events are not major. They are mostly little mundane stuff that I need to take care of, and they are not of major importance. It just seems that unless I make sure the wheels are moving and people are doing their jobs, shit just won’t get done. Little stuff people, little itty-bitty stuff that you can take care of on your own. Seriously, I’ve been running my own business. Almost every day I am on a major emailing spree. Contacting this person and the other, you would think I’m getting paid for all this stuff. In any case, for the most part, I’ve been stressed. All these things are taking a toll on me. I do have moments to sit down and drink tea, but nothing seems to calm me down for a breather. Hmph!

One of the major things stressing me out right now is money matters and mostly the lack of it. I’ve been looking at my paperwork and I’ve been taxed heavily this year. Where in the world was this money taken from? How have I even managed to pay all that? Really, where is my representation? I say if I am being taxed, I most certainly need proper representation. Darn governments bleeding me dry. Do they think I actually have money? Where do I even come up with this money? I’ve managed to survive for this long, but I am starting to question how. It almost seems impossible that I have managed to live in two of the top ten most expensive cities in the world. Not only have I managed to live there, but I have also lived in some of the most expensive areas. How? Living in cheaper more distant areas won’t fix my problems, so how do I manage? It is just another entry for the stress log.

To conclude, I just want to say that I am acclimating more now. Slitting my wrists is far from my memory now. I’m still not feeling connected to my environment and that is a serious problem because I also wasn’t connected in New York. When will these feelings go away? I want to feel whole, with all my limbs properly attached. Another thing I have noticed is that I tend to complicate everything in my life. I really think this has hindered me educationally. Even with this handicap I have managed to survive. Hmmm, if I would’ve realized this sooner perhaps I would’ve been an A student all he way. If only…..

I shall end here and I hope to write more frequently.

visitors...yipee

It’s raining. It’s snowing. The old man is snoring. Tra-la-la-la. Today’s forecast is rain with another chance of rain. How exciting? The weather never seems to be surprising in this lovely looming town. On the upside, I have a guest coming to stay with me for a few days on Wednesday, which is oh-so-cool. It is just ironic how the people I barely hung out with in school are the people who I am mostly seeing after school. This visit should be exciting and strange at the same time. I guess I should be more open to things now, right? Well I will be and with open arms. Yipee! I have a guest from home coming to visit. Too bad classes began this week. Oh well….who pays attention the first week. We shall be partying like rock stars everywhere we go. Fuck being poor. I only get to live this shit once. If I get another chance, it’ll be awesome, but for now I’ll enjoy the first time around. ……Party like a rockstar….Party like a rockstar. Grand exit.

an optimistic outlook

Lectures begin tomorrow and I am anxious about starting. Instead of just settling for passing grades, I really want to try to graduate with distinction. Quite honestly, I should focus a lot on my grades especially because I have taken loans from my future earnings. I want this year to be a memorable one, intellectually and spiritually; not in the sense of reaching for the higher power (although, that would be great), but mostly in the sense of creating myself. On Thursday, I am hoping to join a few societies so as to broaden and further develop my horizons. The photo, French, Italian, film, and snow sports societies are of real interest to me because for the past few years I have taken more of an interest in these areas. By joining these societies, I would like to meet like-minded individuals who share my passions. What better than our own peers to help us achieve greatness in life? For now it is one step at a time and my top priority is school. Gosh it is daunting to think about how much I am investing in these year, especially financially. I don’t want to put more pressure on myself by expecting wonderful and productive things this year. In many ways, I think it is best to have low expectations for things. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do want big things, but I also don’t want to be disappointed and distraught if they don’t happen. It is probably just my fear of failure, but this is the only way I really know how to prepare myself. So, for now, it is one step at a time. Focus on school, daily life, and then later on, focus on paying back all these gosh darn loans. Ooo what a headache just thinking about them.

…..

Life in London has its good and bad days. This weekend was a good weekend because I had the opportunity to go out with some new friends. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can have many more of those weekends without a job or more money coming in. As you may know, London is one expensive town, and with the dollar so low, it is almost impossible to live here. I seem to be managing just fine by walking to school—it isn’t a bad walk because it is the same walk I had in New York going to work—and by trying to eat at home. Today I opted to purchase a “mobile” just because a)I need some form of emergency communication b) credit card calling home was expensive c) more and more things here require phones d) I needed an alarm clock. Ha. It is so bad that I use a phone as an alarm clock, but hey it is all about saving money.

It is ta for now. Till we blog again.

go away rain

It is of no surprise that rain is the major theme of this country. Sometimes the rain is so brisk that no one really notices it. Other times, it can be slightly heavy where the whole day is just shot and you end up stuck at home. Well, my dear friends, today it is the torrentialish type of rain. After exiting Woolworth’s, I was met by a heavy downpour of rain and flying pedestrians. The flying pedestrians I can handle on a normal, dry day, but on a rainy day they can sure be extra annoying. While I struggled to zig and zag my way through the crowd with a big box of pots, I had to simultaneously remove the strands of flaying hair hitting my face. Suffice it to say, it was a major struggle getting “home.” Now I am in this depressive place (home), with horrible weather, and trying to fight off these feelings of depression. These people need to reinvent their definition of junk food. When we have weather like today, all we really need to cheer us up is junk food. Listen to me people, and listen good, baked goods are NOT classified as junk food. Yes, cookies can help at times, but you really need the good chips and ice cream for stuff like this. You all need to get with the program. And while we are on the food subject, why is everything made into a pie? Haven’t you all heard of other types of foods? I have never seen so many pies in my life. YUCK!

Introduction almost over...yippee

With the introduction week and enrolment almost over, I just can’t wait to get started on my modules (or courses). On Wednesday when we had our formal introduction with the other students and the tutor, I met my eye candy for the rest of the year. He is some cute Middle Eastern boy from my program who sort of resembles the Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal. I didn’t actually talk to him, but I figured we will have plenty of time throughout the year for pleasantries. He seems like a smart bloke, so I’m sure I can just ask him a few questions and get started from there. However, when we had our library tour today, he did appear somewhat on the retarded side. Ha. He often lagged behind and it was a bit annoying. But, in the end, I didn’t mind too much. I really hope the year turns out to be a good one. I have decided to take out more loans so that I may be able to “study” more and not have to work. Ugh…..writing with these British programs is a bit difficult. I really wish they would release my computer from customs. Don’t know if the paperwork I sent them will actually bring me my baby safe and sound (and cost free), but let’s just cross those fingers.

I may not hang myself just yet

Where should I begin? First off, I missed my flight on Friday night and had to take a flight leaving Saturday morning to Heathrow. Not only that, I had to pay a fee, which was almost as much as the flight, just to be registered for the morning flight. After going through that turmoil, I arrived at Heathrow at around 7:30 Saturday night to a not-so-hectic immigration line. The line itself took about two and a half hours to go through. It wasn’t anything big, we really just had to wait for the customs officers to look at the passports and ask a few questions—no Harvard admissions. Schlepping my luggage around wasn’t bad at all. The taxi line wasn’t that bad either. Actually, I couldn’t believe that all my crap fit into one of the black cabs, but it did. Are you ready for this? The cab ride to my flat was 73 £s and I tipped the guy the extra 7£s just cause my stuff was extra heavy and he was nice enough to bring it up to the gate. So, all together, my cab ride from the airport was 80£s, which was a whopping 160 American dollars. Yes, it was fucking 160 American dollars, but I had to do it. There was no way I could run around the tubular with four huge suitcases, and look for some weird street I had never heard of, so I just opted for the cab. Of course, I will never again get into one, maybe on my way back home, but I will definitely try to get around it. Once I checked in with security, they gave me my keys and guided me towards the direction I needed to go for my room. Did I mention that every door requires a swipe card or a key to open it from either side? It is like living in a prison cell. I understand the need for security, but gosh darn, people, ease up. I found a nice Nigerian guy to help me with my heavy-ass luggage. It was a little awkward though because when we introduced ourselves, we shuck hands, and he kept my hand for like an extra year. I was like, um, ok. I asked him about any open computers and he lead me to one and was even nice enough to let me log into his account. Too bad the kid didn’t get the hint to leave. I really wanted to check my bank account to see how much money I had left, but I felt so awkward doing it in front of him, so I didn’t. I thanked him and he was like still there. There was no shaking this kid. So, I went to the payphone to try to make a call and he followed me. Um, kid, can you like go away? Eventually he got the drift, but boy was it hard. Once I finished with my call, I went up to my room and cried. And I mean I cried a fucking river. All I could think about was the huge mistake I had just committed by coming over here. I had a job, two cool roommates, a semi- social life, and I had my beautiful New York. I gave that all up to do what? For the next two days (mostly at night), I just cried and cried. The following days I started to meet my other flatmates, and after realizing that I wasn’t alone in wanting to kill myself, I finally got the spark I had lost when I got here. Some call it culture shock, but I associate “culture” with something completely different. There is no cultural shock in my current state of discontent and disconnect. In fact, I find the English to be very similar to New Yorkers, of course, with some major differences. Since I come from a somewhat anthropological background, I welcomed that part of my new world. What I didn’t feel content with is myself and this huge mistake I thought I made. I am now about a week into my new stage in life and I feel a lot better than I did on the first night. Of course, not everything is peaches and cream yet, but I have a feeling they will get there. Tonight I actually felt the spark to get motivated with my life. It felt great to feel that again. It is unbelievable really because as the days progress so do my feelings about this wretched place. I am actually starting to like it here now. So, for now, I am ok.

By the way, did I mention that due to my feelings of discontent with my decision, I have refused to unpack or even settle into my room. For the past few nights, I have been actually sleeping with my clothes on. It was only the other day that I actually decided to wear my pajamas. I even got the courage to buy a shower curtain, dishware, and cutlery. How cool is that? I think I have come a long way. Ha.

As for everything else with school, I have no idea what is happening. I registered on Monday, but have no clue about anything. I got my ID, my computer name, and school email, but nothing else. Hopefully tomorrow’s department events will shed some light into this whole crazy mess. Till then, I think I should just live up my free time. Besides, all these freshmen across the way from us are always partying. Who doesn’t love drinks?

Disclaimer: I am using an British keyboard with British programs, so everything comes out funny looking. At least most of the keys on the keyboard are in their place. Ha.

end of the road

Today marks the official end of an era. Three and a half years were spent here making friends and learning a lot about myself. I will never forget the lessons I learned here and I will try to carry them with me wherever I go. This past Saturday the ones that I hold near and dear came out to show me support as I embark on my new journey of life. They wished me well and assured me that I was making a wonderful decision. Now that everything is happening so quickly, I am filled with trepidation over my new journey. What if I’m making the wrong choice? I’m probably not, but I sure do wish I didn’t feel so alone in this. I wish I had someone to share this with—not a significant other—just someone. A life coach would come so handy now or at least someone to tell me what to do. Alas, I am on my own with this one. I’m used to it though, but still, you know? Anyhow, now the official rat race begins. I’m down to four days. In these four days, I have to ship those two boxes, buy any essential items (like a converter), pay my phone bill, suspend my phone, pay my credit card bill as well as tie up any loose ends. Ugh! It is going to be a hectic four days.

On other news, a certain someone who I see randomly has stirred up something inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t help but let go. I lose most of my self control and allow myself to be free. If only that feeling/experience was returned, things may be a lot different. I’d still be moving, but it would be a more profound feeling. I guess things will happen the way they are meant to. All in due course, right? Effing course! I want stuff to happen on my own time. Let’s see where this path takes me.

Tons of good memories here

And so I have reached the end of an era. It has been three and a half long, beautiful, and entertaining years at my current place of employment. Within the past three years, I have learned and experienced so much. I definitely leave here with tons of unforgettable memories. Wow, it is a little hard to believe that I won’t be coming to this loft anymore. *pauses to take a breather* I am sure that my desk’s new owner will fill the position just fine—hopefully not too fine. With the upcoming two weeks, I hope to tie up as many lose ends as I can. I still have to open a bank account, have my mail forwarded, ship my computer, arrange for travel arrangement to/from the airports, etc. The list is never ending. I’m surely going to miss this place and all those I have gotten to know throughout the years. They were an awesome extended family to me. I hope nothing but the best for them all.

In the school/degree front, I am getting a little bit nervous. When I was in undergrad, we all had our books weeks before the semester started. We didn’t wait until the last minute –well not all the time—to purchase our books. We were well informed in advance of the classes being offered for the semester, what times they were being held, and who was teaching them. Have I received anything remotely close to knowing anything about the degree or classes? Nope, zilch, and nada! All I received was a little booklet with the classes for the program and a small description of what they were about, not if they were offered in the first term or what necessary materials were needed. I mean, yes, they provided a small list of suggested readings, but no substantial information to let me know if those were the required texts. I am all for a lax environment, but it seems that it is way too lax. Postgraduate studies are hard and I want to be on top of my game with all this. I’m looking to graduate with honors, not thanking the lord baby Jesus for giving me a miracle. Phew, let it go. Focus on the right now.

The only thing that is happening “right now” is my party on Saturday, which I am more than excited to attend. I’m also a little apprehensive about it. I really don’t want to start crying in front of people. Hopefully it will be a good turn out and I won’t feel like I have absolutely no one that cares about me. Also, I really hope it doesn’t rain. It will be a totally bummer seeing as the venue is an outdoor space. Hmmm…..Chupa Chups out! Sorry Mr. Seacrest, I just had to steal your line. 

miss me?

After being gone for about two weeks, I decided to finally update you all on what is happening in my life. Let’s start off with school. I am down to merely days before I have to board the plane. Don’t know if I wrote this already, but my mother refuses to drive me to the airport. (Don’t get me started on that one.) Since she won’t be driving me, I have decided to use her credit card to ship my computer over there—still have to tell her about that one…te-he. Expenses have been slowly creeping up. I now have to pay for my taxi to and from the airports, excess luggage fees, my phone bill, credit card, etc. All these are just eating away at the little savings I had to move. So, I am officially going over there poor. I will have to probably take out more loans to survive until I get a job. I haven’t heard anything about the loan, so I am a bit worried about that. Hopefully all will run smoothly.

As for my personal life, I have planned a farewell gala in my honor on Saturday. I hope all will be able to attend. If not, it’s cool. I have learned (well I’m still learning) how to not be so fragile when people can’t do stuff for me. I hate that I carried so many resentments with me for so many years. This move is in many ways a way for me to just grow more as an individual. Ugh….others are calling.

fast approaching

With only three weeks until my departure from New York, I can confidently say that I am (almost) ready to go. I still have some loose ends to tie, which will hopefully be sorted out soon. Tomorrow I will be picking up my luggage and will try to finish packing as much as possible. As for shipping my stuff, I am still at zero-for-zero with that. On top of getting ready to move, I also have to fix my finances, which by themselves could be a major headache. All-in-all, I am in a good place right now. I will certainly miss every bit of my home town, but I am also looking forward to my break from reality and the world itself.

It is really good to know that if you need some sort of break, school will be there for you. Of course, with tuition prices higher than ever, it is sometimes not the best idea. I am certainly glad that, at this point, I could really care less about the money. I have never really had much of it, so I’m ok with continuing to have my meager wages. This attitude would of course be different if I had someone to care for like a child or a parent, but seeing as I don’t, I’m ok with being the way I am now. One of the best things about not having much is that you (or at least I) get to be very “frugal” when it comes to shopping. I have always lived on the principle that some good research is always necessary when making any kind of purchase or life decision. I, seriously, won’t buy anything unless I’ve mulled it over a million times. I have to take a good look at the price, make sure it’s priced accordingly, ask myself if I really need it, and think of it as a long term investment. After all, no one wants to spend a million dollars on a house built on top of a volcano that is about to erupt, right?

***********

The attainment of a journalistic post by a friend has proven to be quite an asset to my life. Through her daily articles, I am able to get updated information on various political events happening in Eastern Europe, a section of the globe often forgotten by many. Her articles on Eastern Europe are sometimes better than my daytime soap operas. Port Charles, NY, the home-base for General Hospital (GH), an ongoing, six decade long soap opera on ABC, has never given me so much punch as do the articles written by my friend. In recent weeks, General Hospital has included more espionage and mob stories, but nothing compares to the real life action happening all over the globe. Bravo, old girl!

a meltdown, some relief, and another panic attack

This past weekend I had a little meltdown. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this is real. In about three weeks, I am boarding a plane and leaving the only home I’ve ever known. My insecurities of failure and not being able to make it are in full effect. Hopefully they will soon subside, or at least temporarily go away so I can settle in. Today I have to begin to cut ties with my “home base” and I am terrified. Once I do this, there is really no turning back. My security blanket will be put in the wash and I have to survive without it. Thankfully, my mother has decided to provide me with some financial security. She will be giving me a credit card for which to charge necessities, and the best part of all, she will be paying for it. How great is that? (Where was this during undergrad?) Her gesture was kindly appreciated and one I’ll probably be taking up. Well…..my apologies for the short post, but I most run some errands. I’ll try to write something again.