Chupa Chups

oh yersh she did go there.

When it’s hysterical, it is most certainly historical. For weeks now I’ve been moping around. Wondering what has come of my life and what I should do next. I sat idly by. I pushed my fake boyfriend away. I hid behind books, unwashed hair, and dreary dark clothes. Nothing on me looked like Mary Effing Sunshine or Pollyanna. I was just a sulky sulk. However, it all changed last night. After I went on a tirade about life and not sticking to me like glue, I felt somewhat relieved. I felt like I had let out the negative; of course, the fake boyfriend didn’t appreciate being on the receiving end of it but it was definitely necessary. I feel so light, airy even. I even feel like stalking my fake boyfriend. How should I go about this? First we have Facebook….then we can try to crack the code of his voicemail…if I knew his email I could do that as well.  Happy and Stalking about!

and scene

Scene: About five people are standing around a narrow corridor in an East Village apartment building putting on their sneakers and saying goodbye to one another.

Me: Hey! How’s it going? You feeling OK?
Boy: Yeah. I’m feeling a bit hung over but I’m definitely glad I stopped by tonight.
Me: I’m definitely glad you came by. It’s so good to see you.
Boy: You rushing off?
Me: Um. Not really. I can stay for a few minutes.
Boy: OK. Cool. Mind waiting for me?
Me: Sure.

Me makes a phone call to her friend who is waiting for her at the movie theater to let him know she’s on her way. Boy returns about five minutes later.

Boy: You ready?
Me: Yup. Let’s go.
Boy: So. How are you?
Me: I’m alright. Feeling a bit lost now that my school work is done with.
Boy: You were finishing up your masters, correct?
Me: Yup.

The conversation carries on mundanely until they reach the train station entrance. At which point Boy asks Me if she has any plans for the night. Me says she is on her way to meet a friend at the movie theater. Boy asks if she can spare five minutes to sit at Washington Square Park. Me says OK…because five minutes is all she can spare. The enter the park and stop for a few seconds to admire the blues band playing.

Blues band playing in the background.

Boy: You want to sit over at these benches.
Me: Sure.
Boy: Cool. Washington Square Park is my favorite park. You can find the oddest things here and yet have an amazing time. During the summer there’s always a band playing and people just hanging out.
Me: Yeah I know. I like it as well. Hate the rats at night but like the park otherwise.

Girl smiles. Awkward moment ensues. Smaller talk is had. Moments of silence. Me feels uncomfortable because she doesn’t know what to expect and is running a tad late now.

Me: I’ve got to go in five minutes.
Boy: Can I put my arm around you in these last five minutes?
Me: Um. Why?!
Boy: Um. Um. Nevermind.

An even more awkward moment ensues. Me tries to lighten the mood by making a joke that goes sour.

Me: You ready to go?
Boy: OK.
Me: So you like living in Inwood now?
Boy: Yeah. Ever since I moved back in with my mom I’ve been able to focus on a lot of editing and camera work.
Me (thinking how in the world do these mama’s boys find me): Oh that’s good.

They part ways at 6th Avenue and just as Me’s friend calls her to ask where she is at.

Scene close.

what am i to do

When things are meant to be for me I get really excited. I can’t do anything but think about that thing that is causing my excitement. My inner child is placated. She feels at peace. She is content and feels as if she’s on the right path. On the other hand, when I am doing things that are no what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel horrible; I doddle. I act like a bumbling brook. Things don’t get done as quickly and everything seems to go array. Right now I’m stuck between a few things. One is an invitation to lay on a beach in lovely Mexico, the other is to do something big for the fourth of July weekend, and the last my summer euro trips. As it stands, I’m most excited about the euro trip. I get to see some good friends. I get to travel cheaply from country to country. I get to enjoy my life peacefully. Mexico seems OK and I did want to do a nice relaxing beach vacation next but…. I don’t know what to do. Oh yeah…and what happened to my economic hardships? Traveling is definitely not a sign of a person under an economic hardship. Ha. I don’t know how I do it sometimes but traveling for me comes easily. I make it happen…just as the saying goes…where there is a will, there’s a way…and I always make it a way. Berlin, Stockholm, and London are calling me. Ha. Mexico seems like it would be a kill drag. Fourth of July is always fun. What to do. What to do.

a personal ad?

I absolutely love a good laugh. The harder and longer I can laugh the better; I want to be crying with tears of laughter. Whether it is because I’ve slipped on a banana peel or you ran into a glass door. God (or the divine powers that be) knows this about me. Check this out.

Last night a bunch of us met at our usual spot to chat and catch up but when we got to the gate it was locked. We didn’t know what to do so we called people to see if they knew anything about this gate. No one knew what was happening so someone thought it a bright idea to just hop over the gate. Seeing as we tried several avenues beforehand, we thought a little breaking and entry wouldn’t be so bad. So after a few of us hopped over the fence, someone thought it another bright idea to have chairs help the others climb over. Now we are all at the spot and notice a rather disturbing smell. Actually it was so strong that I don’t know how we didn’t smell it from the outside. As we look closer it was buckets upon buckets of sauerkraut. Sauerkraut! BUCKET LOADS of SAUERKRAUT! Who eats all that sauerkraut! The smell was so pungent that I don’t know how we stayed the whole time. In any case, as we were getting ready to leave two Ukrainian women come in steaming mad. Yelling god knows what in Ukrainian. Although I’m pretty sure they were cursing us out. One woman even proceeded to slam one of the chairs we had to help us over the gate on the floor. We didn’t know what to do so we quietly crept out…only this time using the gate instead of hopping it over. Oh brother. Ha. First the gate followed by the buckets of sauerkraut then the screaming Ukrainian women. Hahah. What a night! I love that the powers that be always provide me with one great chuckle each day. I think I could live happily ever after if I just had one good chuck a day. :D

as fleeting as time is

What if several doctors diagnosed you with an incurable disease that only left with six months to live, what would you do with your dissipating time? Would you spend it with your loved ones? Would you finally get the courage to kiss that girl? Would you end your life now instead of having it drag on for months? Would saving for a rainy day even matter anymore? Currently there are 245 days 14 hours 53 mins and 47 seconds left in my time zone –EST and I plan to use them all up. Who knows what I’ll be doing but I know I’m definitely going to be doing them now. A good friend of mine, due to her recent layoff, decided to travel India for 6 months. She’s been on a holy journey of self discovery. I hope she truly finds herself and her passions. As for me, will it be a religious Mecca to India? Is traveling the desert more my style? Is living it up in the lap of luxury what I should be doing instead? I’m chasing dreams for the next 245 days 14 hours 50 mins and 33 seconds. I’m going to make sure I live like I only have six months to live because in the end do we really know how long we’ve got until it’s time to meet our maker. Below are a few of the things I’m planning on doing for the rest of my six months.

1- Join a protest and/or a picket line
2- Travel to the ends of the Earth
3- Trek the Amazon
4- Become closer to a spiritual being

rapunzel! rapunzel! rapunzel!!!!

I have not deceived and yet I feel as if I have woven a very tangled web. In the midst of all my regular life stressors, I have managed to weave two love webs. Although I did not plan for any of them to happen, they have. Oh if there was only something I could do to magically wish them away. Poof be gone life stressor; poof, poof be gone individual who is too afraid to live without his mother; poof, poof, poof slobbery kisser individual; poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof individuals who want me to give them my undivided attention. Where can I find the blue flying unicorn in the sky that can fly me off to the most remote places on Earth? Does the leprechaun know how to get to the desert? Is the wood nymph equipped for the arctic? Who among my fury and cutesy imagined creatures can I call upon to take me sailing through the seven seas? Oh Rapunzel, do you need company up in your tower?

what now charlie brown?

Whaw whaaw whawong whaw whawah wha is exactly what I hear when you speak. Wha whahwong whahah waong. It’s almost as if I was in an episode of Charlie Brown. Your stories are repetitive so I zone out. I don’t miss much that I know for sure. Even if you are sharing something new, I zone out. When you are sharing something personal or whatever it may be and the TV is on, please be aware that I am completely focused on the tube not you. Doesn’t my lack of eye contact give you signals that you are boring me? Isn’t my silence over the phone enough to tell you to pep up the speech? When you have something intelligible and intelligent to say, please do wake me up from my slumber. At this point, I could care less about your redecorating or your prospective business ventures. Obviously you were absent the day they taught your boys’ class how NOT to get a girl into bed with you. So for future reference, when trying to get a girl to sleep with you, don’t talk about your ex, your medical conditions as a child, your lighting venture or your mother. These topics will surely get you a thanks for playing and do be sure to pick up your consolation prize, a few more sexless years, when you leave. Next contestant!

from the same litter

When my siblings and I turned eighteen at our respective times, we each moved out of out my mother’s house. We were legal under the eyes of the New York State law so we took it upon ourselves and our new found independence to take a hold of our lives. We’ve all managed to survive and live independently on our own. None of us have returned to the nest. We are more or less happy with our respective lives and our freedom. We’re adults and know that as such we have to do these adult things such as rent or own our own apartment, buy furnishings, start families, etc. Yet I don’t fully comprehend how I end up dating guys that live with their mothers or grandparents. Seriously! Out of the guys I’ve dated about 70% of them were still living at home with mommy. I don’t get it. My siblings and I got the memo: get out! We heard the message loud and clear. So why are these blokes still living at home? Why am I bringing this up? Well I met a rather attractive guy about three weeks ago who seemed promising. We were hot and heavy the night we met. We continued the flirtation. Everything seemed to be going fine- of course, my mind had the best of me and I swore he was married with kids. So because I have such inquisitive mind, I kept trying to pry his life out of him. I knew something was off. It had to be. Yeah he was rather on the short side but that’s not why he was single, was it? I swore it was the wife and kids. So…. Last night I figured out why. He still lives at home with mommy! Yeah that’s why you are SO single mister. He’s 39! 39! At that age you should be living by yourself if not with roommates at least, not living with mommy. Yeah I know…perhaps the economy made him go back to live with mommy but I so doubt that’s the case. Ha. This is my beautiful luck. Seriously how do I attract these people? It may seem all shallow but it really isn’t. At age 39 you should be living either alone or with roommates. Ugh! I’m not shallow but if I can do it so can you. SO CAN YOU!

sleep, must sleep

It’s almost over soon. The paper is due tomorrow and I have quite a bit of editing to do. Although I’m still working on it until the second it’s due, I am very proud of myself for having “finished” it early. Gosh it was definitely a long, long journey. Hopefully my efforts pay off. Right now I feel as if I’m in the state of almost reaching sanity or at least numbness. I’m hoping to have the last three energy drinks I’ll have for at least three months. Hmph. This is so draining. Work eight hours, write/edit a paper for about 6-8 hours, and attempt to sleep the other eight…not to mention the time it takes me to commute to work, coffee houses, and home….by the end of it I’m lucky if I can get 5 hours of sleep. You know what though, despite all the stress and bitching, I like being like this…under pressure, having something to do. It makes me feel like I’m not just wasting my life away.

Hence why my new goal is to submit a 32-page paper to the AAAs by June 1.Hey the winning prize is 1k and you may get published. YES I’m Insane.

to the popper of hips

Pop, pop, pop, pop. Pop those hips side to side. Move your short legs as fast as you can but continue to pop, pop, pop, pop those hips. See the swing. It’s more mesmerizing than my own feminine walk. You’re in a festive mood today wearing the emerald green. I can just picture you later on tonight having pints of Guinness and car bombs in celebration of ol’ St. Pats. The definition of your upper body is spectacular. It doesn’t at all lead to speculations of you somewhat having a slightly lower self-esteem because of your height. Your charms are endearing, your smile is as bright as any sunshine, and your kindness breathless. So continue to pop, pop, pop, pop those hips. No they don’t make you seems the slightest bit gay. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Pop those hips side to side. I say these things purely out of love. There is no malice in any of my words. Pop, pop, pop, pop those hips.

I definitely drove a 16-wheeler straight into a brick wall and continued to press hard on the gas.

What a weekend! Still unsure whether it was a good or bad one but one thing I know is that I did a lot of “bad” things. I’ll start off with the Wednesday night/Thursday morning slobbery kiss I shared with the coworker. Who now I’m sort of on the fence with because I just don’t know what I’m doing. Sunday came around and he did check-in to see if I wanted to meet up with him. I, of course, being the nut job that I am avoided it like the plague. In all fairness though I do have to write this paper and I did attempt really hard to do it on Sunday-hmmm possibly as a way of avoidance? In any case, Friday was also a memorable occasion. After the let’s do Sunday brunch email I went on a destructive rampage. I met an ex near Times Square and proceeded to make out with him a little. After the rendezvous with the ex, I was within the hour lip-locked to some perfect stranger who I ended up kissing the entire night. We pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend and are still in this game, or at least I thought it was a game. On Saturday we fully “committed” to one another by changing our Facebook status. I was hysterical on the floor with laughter. Still in joke mode I asked him to a Sunday birthday dinner I had to attend. He showed up like the good boyfriend and proceeded to be romantical. It FREAKED me out! I’m still freaked out. He kept holding my hands, which became really sweaty at some point, holding chairs, doors, feeding me cake, etc. Who does he think he is??! A real boyfriend?! Um, I don’t do that sir. So now the joke is on me because I used the pretend boyfriend to sort of avoid the coworker and now I’m in a “committed” relationship that is going to led me to being committed. He texts me when he goes to bed, when he gets home, about random stuff…omg.

sunday brunch anyone?

What’s in a kiss? I’d say about a thousand words. Kissing is essential for me. It provides me with a vast knowledge of that individual. Through the act of kissing I can figure out if that person is affectionate, a quick Eddy or a slob/drool-fest. I kid you not my dear friend. This very act alone speaks quite loudly. I am by no means an expert in it or judging it, but my intermediate skills have gotten me this far and I know they don’t mislead. Why bring up such a topic? Well I “kissed” a boy. His kiss spoke a thousand words. It informed me that he was the combination of a slob-fest and a quick Eddy. My suspicions were later confirmed that day. Unfortunately after knowing this fact I keep going back and forth in my head: do I want to kiss this person again; do I show them how I would like to be kissed? Ugh! It’s definitely too much for me to decide while all these things are going on around me. Why couldn’t he know by now how to do it? He’s survived on this planet for the better of three decades. You’d think that by know you should be an expert on the subject. Oh blorgs! This is such an uncomfortable predicament I’m in. He’s invited me to Sunday brunch and I’m not sure whether to attend or not. I’m always up for brunch and I’m especially always up for food, but am I up for a slob sandwich? Only the future/god knows what it has in store for me. Hmph!

drama rama

Where can I begin? I know let’s start with academics. So on the 27th my 3,000 word (about 10-12 pages) essay is due. How many words do I have written down thus far? Besides the title, I can confidently say not a damn one. I need to get going on this seriously. Unfortunately life is always getting in the way one way or another. I have been doing research for it but as of late (particularly this week) I have not done one single thing. I did speak with my Brit friend Matt about it and I sort of have a better perspective on it. I seriously need to get down to organizing myself better for this and the impending April exam. I am so, SO, SO grateful the exam for me will be in a day instead of two or three hours. Ugh. Don’t get me started on that one too. How much have I studied for that? Absolutely nothing. I need to get down to what’s important and this is very, very important, especially after all the money I dished out.

Speaking of money, my income tax refund is set to come in tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t get audited. You can never be too careful with these things. I just don’t want to completely get my hopes up with this money. BUT if all goes well. I was going to split the money; half is going into debt and the other half is all for me! So, I was either going to go on a little shopping spree and save the rest but now I’m thinking I want to spend it on a new notebook. My old computer is getting kind of old. OR I can do a bit of traveling. I did see a great deal for Nashville at under $300 for both hotel and flight. Also, I want to go to this festival that is happening in Ann Arbor the first weekend in April. Not to mention I told my friend I would go with her to Vegas at the end of April. BUT in all fairness, Nashville was going to be my reward for finishing the essay. I never did treat myself for finishing my dissertation in time. Again, this is another area I need further organizing.

Remember how I said that life always intervenes whenever I’m working on an important paper for school? Well again I’m in the middle of finding a new roommate. I guess it just senses these things. I finally asked the roommate to leave but little did I know that the guy would find a place in a week. I barely have two darn people to come check out the place. UGH this is so stressful. So….if I can’t find someone relatively quick all those lovely plans of travel and purchasing the macbook will go up in smoke. I really do pray to god that things work out very well in this area, especially with this bad economy.

Oh yeah the bad economy…. Four people got laid off this morning from my job. I was scared and still am quite a bit. These were definitely out-of-left-field layoffs. No one expected these…although I did have some suspicions after one of the girls who got laid off updated her status on Facebook. (Great invention, no?) So I’m scared because I have no money. What I do know is that I for sure have to step-up my employment game and seriously look for a part-time gig at least. Oh these troubled times we live in.

Ah…trouble you say. How’s about a fresh new stalker for you? That’s right a stalker returns. If only I were kidding but I kid you not. One of the biggest stockers of the company returned a few days ago and who does he ask for? Why me of course? Great! Now people are going to think I’m associated with him.

Speaking of those lovely associations, how’s about a fresh new coworker for you? That’s right the coworker is back. We saw Coraline last night and had drinks afterwards. Well you should know how the story ends. Now I’m in limbo. I can’t be dating a coworker. We’ve definitely crossed the point of no return. What happens now? Are we dating? Oh brother! What’s going to happen now at work? Do we discuss this? Oh crap! This is why I stayed far away from the dating scene. Oh my goodness, my Guiness.

Guiness anyone? An old chap from England moved back to New York. I’m super excited to see him and super curious as to why he returned. From my understanding of things, he wanted to attend graduated school over there. He had been there about five years and wanted to get out of the town he was living in and move to London. Anywho I guess we can discuss that over drinks because my social schedule has seriously doubled. Oh what a girl to do.

Indeed, what am I to do? I think a good organization is definitely needed. After that I’ll figure it out as I go.

ode to nick

Nick. What an Adonis you are. Your boyish smile is both innocent and flirtatious. Your blonde locks are like a sea of gold. Your eyes are as deep and profound as the deepest ocean. The collared shirts you wear fit you so snug that your bulging biceps have no choice but to play peek-a-boo with me. Have I mentioned how your apple bottom is tempting me to bite it? Did I ever share with you that the way you sit in your chair just screams jump on my lap? Your delectable aroma is so strong it reaches me from a distance of ten feet. Have I ever told you that you are an Adonis? I will forever keep you on a pedestal and compare every guy to you. No one will come close. Oh how I envy your boyfriend and the gorgeous couple you two must make. Oh if only god had granted me a penis. Does anyone have a spare penis for me? Until I can acquire such an organ, I will forever hold you in my heart. Nick you are my Adonis! You are my Adonis!