Chupa Chups

watcha got cookin' 2010!

Hey 2010!

How do you do? I’m doing better. Thanks for asking. 2010 you’ve been OK to me. I’ve had my bipolar episodes but they don’t seem too bad. 2010, what do you have in store for me? Will my funk disappear? Will I finally come to terms with myself? 2010, I wanted a dog so very much for 2009. Sadly, I never got one. Now that you are here, I believe the dog will come to me. People keep mentioning how it’s a major responsibility to have a dog. You’d think I was asking people if I could have a baby. It annoys me in a way. I understand they come from a good place but whenever I hear people be negative, I just can’t help wonder how much of it is their own insecurities about the issue. Let’s look at the facts: I’ve never been a dog owner, not by choice, of course. I’ve always loved dogs. Throughout the years I’ve had plenty of contacts with dogs. I’ve walked friends’ dogs. I doggy-sat two French bull dogs for an entire weekend. Since they were young pups, they pretty much tore up the place. I understand that having a puppy for 2-3 days is way different than having it for 10 years. I know vet bills can get pretty out of hand. But people….I’ve always loved dogs. The only reason I’ve never owned one was because a) my brother had asthma growing up and was petrified of dogs b) almost every placed I’ve lived in had a no pet policy. I understand that owning a pet means limited apartments available but limited does not mean NO apartments available. Yes some apartments may require a deposit and others won’t accept a certain size but I can handle it. Listen people, I’ve entered this stage in my life where nothing matters. I’m bored and tired of it all. I really see no point to living any further. I’m not saying that a dog will cure this but at least I’ll have something to do. As it stands, I live to work and work to live. My life consists of waking up, trying to get to work on time, and just wasting my life in front of TV for about an hour or three until I have to go to work again. Weekends are pretty uneventful at this point. As I said, I’m bored and tired. Maybe it’s not fair to bring a dog to this environment but perhaps it’ll give me something to think about. I don’t know. At times I see this “my wanting a dog” parallel to people wanting children to love. BUT I’ve been trying to get a dog and so far it’s been incredibly unsuccessful. It’s a simple task but somehow it’s becoming a big thing. I’ve tried several times to foster a dog but those shelters don’t really reply to me. You’d think with so many animals being euthanized they’d want to save at least one. Sometimes I get seriously discouraged. I really don’t get it. How can this take me forever to do? Why is it so difficult? Well, in two to three months I’m going to see where my financial situation is. If I’ve been able to settle myself and save enough for a dog then I’ll proceed. If not, perhaps it’s time I throw in the white towel.

….

I’ve decided to get more serious about my future; more specifically, my financial future. It’s about time, don’t you think? I want to buy an apartment, preferably a condo. I’m not a major fan of co-ops and having people vote you in. I’m thinking of purchasing one really, really dirt cheap. I want to fix it up that way I’m envisioning it in my head. First, I want to start with the bathroom. I want the bathroom, and possibly the whole apartment, to have a music system installed in the walls. Since I want music blaring, I’ll probably need to insulate the apartment properly to make it soundproof. SO imagine showering with music coming out of the walls. The sound system would have to be of really good quality. I don’t want it to sound all static-y and stuff. I’m thinking something along the lines of department stores. You know how shop around and the sound quality is awesome but there are no big bulky basses/amps (whatever they are called)…just like that; or when you are in the elevator that the sound is so crisp. You get the gist. Once the sound is properly installed, I want heated floors. Who wants to step out of the shower on cold tiles? Not me. Did I mention my steam room/sauna option in the shower component? The shower component that would be able to fit at least two full desks side-by-side and chairs on either end but don’t forget the lovely glass doors either. Also, it has a seating area where I could also choose to lay on. I haven’t decided the material of the bathroom but I know it’s going to be nice tiles. As for the tub, it’ll probably have to house a Jacuzzi type of power. I’m sort of stumped on the tub but I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure it out soon enough. I want it to be like that classic tub. You know what I mean. Where you can fill the tub up with bubbles, rest your head back, and best of all have plenty of space nearby for your glass of vino, salts, and other essentials. I need my bathroom to be overall soothing because it’ll be my own private oasis, my sanctuary. I definitely don’t say a bathroom leading directly to a bedroom. I require a “staging” room. It needs to have a big mirror and smaller handheld mirrors, some of which are magnifying. In this small in between area, I want a very soft ottoman type chair. I want it to have tons of storage space for my tampons, cotton balls, nail polish, etc. I think this room should be carpeted. Something about this carpeted nook just makes it feel oh-so-special. As with almost every room, this one will need a window. I require the music to flow into this room as well. Lighting is definitely key- as usual. I believe this is also the room where I put my make-up on and clear my face up for bed. I proceed to my bedroom, a sanctuary of its own. In this room, I have no television. My bed is plush and very, very welcoming. In a corner of the room, I have a chaise where I love to read a book under my cashmere throw and sip tea. The view is spectacular when my automatic blinds are up. I’m looking for special windows that are remote controlled for this function. If you know of a good window company, let me know. My wardrobe isn’t in this room. I have a walk in closet for that. It’s the size of my one-bedroom now. I love it! Well I best get back to work so I can afford this gorgeous space. Laters!

hello there 2010

2010. What can I say? All I can really say is that I’m waiting for you with open arms and empty pockets. Although I’ll be entering your glorious year almost penniless, I’m incredibly grateful to be one giant and personal debt free. This Christmas eve I have the funds to payback a dear friend. She was kind enough to loan me a big deal of money in a not-so-good time and I’m very grateful to her and for her. It has been less than two months and I’m finally able to clear out my debt. Although it has been a struggle, it is definitely an objective that was high on my to-do list. I’m incredibly grateful this Christmas eve and definitely humbled, which is a lot more than I can say about my attitude and behavior this past month. I’m definitely grateful. I’m grateful for an incredible friend (and friends) who, without asking, offered to help me. Asking for help is definitely new to my lifestyle and my vocabulary but I’m glad I got over it. I accepted the help and boy was it necessary. Their help got me out of a real financial situation- one that I was in complete denial about. I’m glad it’s over! I’m glad I’m about to hand my friend the last of the money she loaned me. I’m glad I made the decision to get out of the financial mess- even though those involved weren’t too happy with me. I stood up for myself. I stood my ground. I sought my financial freedom over others. Throughout this ordeal, I learned that a lot of people are out for themselves (of course, part of evolution so I can’t really blame them) and it’s completely fine. It wasn’t that people are out for themselves only. The problem was that I was always out for them and not me at all. I came in 789 when everyone else came as top 10. Unfortunately, it was my doing. No one is to really blame. However, I’m not going to stop putting others first at times. I just have to make it a priority to put me first 80-90 percent of the time. 2010 I await you with open arms. 2009 was a year of experience and excitement. I enjoyed every minute of it. With you, 2010, I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that I will be a bit more mature but a bit more loving as well. I know that I will expect you more financially savvy. I’ll become closer to being the person I envision myself to be. Obviously, the layover of 2009 will carry. For example, I still need to tie up some personal loosen ends. Hopefully it won’t be too late. I hope they won’t be too mad. In any case, 2010 I await you. I have high hopes for you and myself. I’m reaching for the sky and grabbing it by the balls. Once I grab said balls, I’ll paint them red with black and white polka dots. Expect me 2010 a whole new person.

bruised and battered

I’ve been beating myself up lately. Why? Well because I feel like it. I feel like crap and it shows in the exterior. My face resembles a pepperoni pizza, again. For about a week or so, my eyes were in poor health and I couldn’t wear contacts. Hooded sweatshirts are the preferred outfit for every day of the week. Tardiness is a big word in my vocabulary. The apartment is a shit hole. It’s dusty and dirty. I’ve got the funk. I’ve got it bad. Perhaps happiness is just an illusion- a cruel joke like the American dream. Laughter is all that remains of me, and I seldom see it these days. Why? Why do I continue to battle this epic battle? Why can’t I just be content and happy? Either there is something better or I’m comparing myself with others or myself. Nothing seems to be OK and everything seems a distant memory. I’ve slacked. I’ve slacked badly. How do I get out of this? I hate this frumpy, dumpy mood. I want to finally make a reality of this image I have of myself. This strong, successful, powerful, and caring individual whose get it all going on for her. It’s not like I don’t encompass some of the qualities, I just feel that perhaps I can develop them just a tad more. Gosh! I feel like crap. My muffin top is slowly becoming a muffin roll. I’m even developing a top roll. How and when did I let it get this bad? I need help. An intervention. Salvation or a miracle, I’ll take either or both. I need help.

with open arms

Usually an eight month courtship, at least three nights sleeping in the same bed, and eating Thanksgiving dinner with the family are signs of a serious and committed relationship. You would think these individuals were serious about one another and were heading down the road to the next level, i.e., either moving in together or marriage. At the very least, you would expect both parties to be in love with each other. For my current relationship, this is not the case. We enjoy each others company and are overall satisfied with one another. However, love is not a word I can use. Something is missing for me. He encompasses some of the major criteria I desire but not the ideal one. This one criterion is the one I truly seek in all my relationships and it seems to be non-existent. My current partner is sweet, thoughtful, funny, sexy, and overall a good time. He can adapt well to all my environments. We seem to fit with one another. However, it is just not there for me; or at least not wholly. I need this one criterion. The one I truly desire. I’ve seen it in some friends but only the first stage. If I find someone that can at least accommodate me through stage three, I’ll take him. Otherwise, I’ll keep searching. I won’t be content with settling. I have nothing to gain or lose by settling. Nothing in life is that important to me anymore but I feel as if I could share that one thing with someone I may be able to enjoy it just a little bit more. Of course, he’ll also have to have the others. I’m sorry but they all must fit. The puzzle won’t be complete without it. None will do without it. I think I had that once. Someone back when encompassed this special criterion. He also had a lot of the other ones. He seemed to fit well. However, it wasn’t there for me. Something didn’t click completely. I need the click. This clicking I need is somewhat of an unusual thing. I can’t move on with my work until the click is done. I don’t purchase items until the click. I don’t do many things until the click, clicks. It sometimes makes me feel as if I’m somehow slow or challenged. Why do I need this click to go off in my head? Let’s stay focused, back to my desired partner. Where is he (or she)? I can’t discriminate. It’s the qualities I desire. The qualities make my partner. Where is my partner? I sometimes think I feel my partner nearing. Something is telling me it is coming. Hopefully I won’t miss it. Its funny how you go through life, all confused and in a daze, and slowly the puzzle starts to fit. You pull your hair trying to figure it out and once you stop tugging that’s when the puzzle begins to make sense. I’m moving forward. My heart and body are throbbing. I’m guessing this means a good thing. I’m feeling nostalgic but not so much. Sometimes it feels empowering because I reminisce about my past loves and come to the realization that they suck and this list is exactly what I want. I await for you my partner. With open arms and love.

did the sky mourn for the teacher as well?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Teach. Teach. Teach! I have a question for you. How is it that I can’t forget about you? Was it the way you wore your white Ts? Was it the blue-hooded sweatshirt you seemed to never take off? Your eyes were definitely dreamy and swimmable. With that smile of yours you could get away with murder. Did I enjoy our dinners out? Or did I enjoy cooking for you? Remember when I fell from running back and forth that day? It was the first time I had ever cooked for anyone. I cooked you a four course meal. I even conducted a pre-dinner date run. I was definitely nervous. It didn’t help that I was running in heels that day. Was your ghetto fab your most appealing quality? What was it about you that still has me hooked? Was it your fabulous duplex apartment in the heart of the West Village? I would totally love to have that apartment of yours. It was incredible, spacious, and most importantly your roommate was hardly ever there. Did our conversations attract me the most? I don’t think so. I don’t remember many quality ones. Ahhh…I spoke too soon. I do remember a particular one after I heard devastating news. You were nice about my situation; didn’t make me feel as stupid as I felt. Do you remember the Mets games we watched? I enjoyed that about you…the fact that you were a Mets fan. Remember Reservoir and the bowling alley? What was it about you that had me hooked? Was it that you were one of the last Americans I dated before heading across the pond? Something about you stuck with me. It stuck with me more than your resemblance to my friend Joe, which at first I could not get past. I enjoyed being with you. You were funny. You were a musician. The first musician I dated. I didn’t enjoy your casual, casual dress for everywhere we went. It was rather a turnoff. However, eventually I took a liking to it. How am I still hooked on you? It has been over two years now since we met and our whatever-you-want-to-call-it ended. It pained me to go away. I felt a connection with you. I don’t know what it was but it was something for me. You were one of the youngest guys I dated and yet you seemed mature for your age. You were well travelled. You spoke another language besides English. You enjoyed music. You enjoyed the classics. You enjoyed Motown hits. I enjoy Motown hits. We danced in your living room. The moment was spectacular. One weekend we were prisoners of your space. We did nothing but sleep, eat, and have sex. It was magical. When I stepped out of your place, I felt a cosmic shift. It was as if I was stepping into another realm. I was floating at your place and had stepped into some sort of heaven. Now that I’m walking down memory lane, I distinctly remember a disastrous moment. Do you know what I’m talking about? It was when you were really drunk. I met you after your concert, which I apologize yet again for missing most of it. We went with your friends to the local bar and had a few Stellas. The night eventually became a haze so we took a cab back to your place with your brother. In the hours between your passing out and your wake the next morning, the bed became heavily soiled. Soiled with urine I think. I can’t confirm with certainty but I’ve never peed in bed nor sweated so profusely as to wet an entire bed. Since there were only two of us there, I’m pretty sure the blame lies within you. Ahhh…good times? Eventually things between us became gray. I didn’t know what we were doing. I would’ve stayed in New York for you. You never asked. You wanted me to go and explore. I remember you telling me to keep in touch. I did but you didn’t. When I returned for the holidays, you were one of the only people I wanted to see. I saw you and slept with you. During the wee hours of the morning, I had to tinkle. While searching for my underoos, I spotted a brassiere. This D-cup brassiere was not mine. My little Bs don’t fit in such a massive bra. I didn’t expect for you to stay faithful to me or mourn me but I wanted some sort of residue of me in your heart. Did you even care? Did you even like me? At times it didn’t seem clear. Suffice it to say, I got the picture. I didn’t like the feeling that morning. I wanted out and I blamed jetlag for my need to scurry off at 6am. The morning walk of shame I think I’ve perfected. Never be too dressy when you go out and always carry flats, sunglasses, a hair tie, and a toothbrush and toothpaste in your bag. Now I remember the Fourth of July. You ignored me then. I remember it was a rainy Fourth of July. I had decided to “White trash” it and had gotten my six-pack, lawn chair, and headed up to the roof with my little Ipod player. It was a sad day. It was a rainy day. I listened to the soundtrack of Lily Allen. She was popular back when. It felt horrible that day to be me. I mourned for us as the skies mourned. I don’t know who cried more that day, the sky or me.

remembering earl gray

Once I almost “fell in love.” I didn’t reach the deep stages of love but I definitely brushed up upon the first stage. It was the summer of 2004. His name was….Earl Gray. I had just broken up with my “fiancée” and I was definitely ready to mingle. We first met at the Mets game. His future brother-in-law was raising money for charity or had purchased tickets for charity. Hmmm….who knows…I can’t remember correctly. In any case, we met at a Mets game. He was there with his family and I was the guest of my friend (our mutual friend) and had brought along my niece and nephew. We didn’t really talk that day but we definitely noticed each other. After a few days or even a week or two, he invited our mutual friend to a party and she brought me along. I invited three of my friends to tag along as well. (Hmm…what’s with my bringing the entourage?) We all partied the night away. The crowd I hung out with those days was pretty wild so there was never a dull moment. After being there about an hour, Earl Gray and I still hadn’t “talked.” We had some flirtatious moments but definitely not a “moment.” Later on that night we danced. He looked extra hot close up. I looked really hot and thin those days. By the end of the night my friends and I were wasted…and we have the pictures to prove it. Hmmm…I don’t remember exactly what comes next but either we exchanged numbers that night or our friend gave it to him later on. Even though I was definitely drunk that night, I was smitten. Earl Gray was exactly what I asked for in a mate- tall, dark, and handsome. He had gorgeous eyes and an even sexier smile. His hair was awesome. He wore a black collared shirt with jeans that night. He looked cute. I can’t remember exactly how our first date went down…who asked who or the conversations that happened in between. All I can remember is that we ate dinner at Fiamma in SoHo. It was an awesome and very expensive place. Can’t remember what I wore but I know I ordered the chicken and a few glasses of either wine or some other lovely cocktail. I was drunk by the end of dinner. We somehow were at some bus stop in SoHo. He asked me back to his place. I think we caught the tail end of Gothika. We finally kissed at his place. It was sweet. Nothing happened past nice (very nice) kisses. At our next date he cooked dinner for me at his place. I know I looked rather conservative that night. I think I wore a black top. I remember the tomato basil appetizer. I brought the dessert. ;) It was a selection of little sweets from Vinero’s. We definitely had wine that night. I was definitely nervous and so was he. I know that early on I went to South Beach for a bachelorette party. During my time at SoBe, I meet a very cute and flirtatious Israel guy who I kissed. Earl Gray called me while I was down there. I was excited about him. When I landed at JFK, he was waiting at the gate for me. The entourage of girls just looked on with silly grins on their faces. I waved goodbye and got in his jeep. I was honest with him. I told him about the Israeli guy. Things were never quite easy with the two of us. He had former girlfriend issues and I just didn’t know what to do. He worked with his ex-girlfriend so there was no avoiding her. I was the dependable ear. This ex-girlfriend definitely put a strain on our relationship. The sex….was somewhat fun….I felt liberated. He allowed me free reign; he was game for whatever. I was so excited about that that I tried to imagine of anything and everything I could think of. Alas, the summer of love came to an end. We had broken up. After a few days of being broken up, we somehow got back together but kept it quiet. No one knew we had decided to start all over. Unfortunately, this is where things got complicated. Our mutual friend would tell him that I was seeing other people already, which wasn’t true. He would hear about this guy and the other. Eventually, we called it quits for good. Well…he did. Early one weekend morning…I knew it was coming. Something inside of me said it was. I sort of braced myself for it. From the beginning, I know things weren’t going to turn out well but I knew I had to experience what I did. Something inside of me said I had to do it and told me it was going to hurt. It did hurt. However, it also felt great. I felt a bit of it. I felt the love that people feel when they’re “in love.” After that relationship, I realized that my decision to end it with the fiancée was the correct choice. I did love my former fiancée but I wasn’t in love with him….that’s a major difference, a difference I learned with Earl Gray. Ooooo how the memories are flooding back. The museum conversation about the ex. The Queer Eye for the Single Man episodes. The L word episodes. The bloody mary at brunch conversation. The trips to his parent’s house. For a good long while I mourned Earl Gray. He was a part of me….even if it was just for a few months. I felt more connected with him emotionally than with my 3+ year relationship with the fiancée. I still on occasion mourn Earl Gray. On April 25, 2009, Earl Gray married another woman. Let’s call her Lady Gray. The wedding photos look nice and he looks happy. No one knows that I know the date and have seen the pictures but I do. One good thing to point out is that Earl Gray definitely doesn’t look the same. He is definitely starting to look his age or a lot older. Also, his metabolism sure as heck has slowed down. In any case, I wish Earl Gray tons of love and life. I’m glad he found his match. He deserves to be happy.

om...om.....om....

Om. Om. Om. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in through the nose, see the air flow from your nostrils down to your lungs and then to the other parts of your body. Please repeat the procedure and don’t let the cramping of your legs bother you. If only I had an endless amount of time to meditate. I would wake up at 4:30 am and meditate for about an hour or two. When the buzzard rings 6:30 onward I go to my morning yoga practice. It’s 7:30 so I must head in the shower. 7:40 get out of the shower and dressed for work. Don’t forget to have breakfast. Finally 8:30 walk out of the door. If only things were like this. I would so love it. Once I would finish with work for the day, I would eat a hearty dinner with at least two servings of vegetables. Following my meal, I would rest for an hour with a good Buddhism book. It’s 8:00pm so it’s time for evening meditation. By 9:00pm I would be done and prepping for bed and the following day. 10pm means lights out. Ahhh…seems so serene.

…. Well that’s my dream.

The reality is that I’m slightly overwhelmed. I’ve decided to postpone my LSATs until June, which apparently is the optimal date to take the exam. I’ve decided to also postpone applications until 2011. However, I’ll still be getting my materials ready. Postponing the LSATs has meant lots of free time and definitely less stress. It’s really expensive to apply for law schools. Now I have more time to focus on my move. Yes I’m moving, again! It’s happening shortly! It was hectic trying to talk with my landlord about my options, looking for a new place, gathering application materials, coming up with the money at such a short notice, and meanwhile try to manage my current bills….and did I mention my sanity? Ugh! It’s been crazy. BUT once I settled on a new place, figured out the logistics to that, and decided to postpone the LSATs things just seemed to flow better. I took a few days off of work to just do nothing. All I really did was yoga. I did as minimal as possible and it was awesome. I still had to deal with little hiccups along the way- my current roommate, money situation, etc. I’m glad most things are resolved. Once I complete the move and things settle down, I’m hoping to continue with things (AKA life).

the elitist in me?

Welcome to the Upper East Side, the home of Manhattan’s elite. :/ It’s lease renewal time. Will I be staying in the hip and trendy East Village or heading on up to the Upper East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky? SO my lease is up at the end of November. I’ve had my lease renewal form since late summer but was somehow hoping to muster the courage to ask for a rent reduction. As the eternal procrastinator that I am, I’ve waited to the end of October to ask about it. So far I haven’t been able to contact my landlord. I’ve tried her twice this week and she’s just never in. I’m hoping things work out in my current apartment because I won’t have to provide a security deposit or move. Worst case scenario is that I’d have to move to a different apartment in the same building. However, last night I was looking at apartments and found a really affordable one in the Upper East Side. It’s a studio, which means downsize but it means all me and no roommate. The apartment’s kitchen and bathroom is a little on the small size but that’s to be expected of a studio. On the other hand, the main room fits a queen size bed, desk, dresser, and breakfast bar comfortably with enough room to walk. The closet is a walk-in, which is phenomenal. The rent includes utilities minus wireless. With the move uptown I’d have a few hundred bucks each month instead of a few bucks. The down side is that I’ll have to take the train, which is a good 10-15 minute trek, and have transportation costs. I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping my landlord can work something out. The studio wants immediate occupancy and I can’t afford security and first months. At best what I can do is provide the security and then on the first provide move-in, which I’d probably talk to them about a pro-rated rate for November 15th move-in. Moving is such a hassle. Since the boy drives and has a car, I won’t need to pay for a U-haul or bribe one of my friends to help me move. UGH! The Upper East Side is so pretentious though and so grown-up. Perhaps it’s the move I need….after all this coming Saturday I’m officially a year older. Approaching thirty is no fun but I must grow up. I have grown a lot this year. My priorities have drastically changed and so have my expenses. I now have student loan debt. I can no longer afford to dish out loads on living expenses. My credit card debt won’t go away if I only pay the minimum. College life was great. Having ramen noodles, pizza, and ice cream dinner was great but my metabolism is slowing down drastically. I can no longer eat those for dinner or breakfast, unfortunately. I have to now watch what I eat and make sure I exercise properly. Sleeping in futons is no longer fun. I guess I’m just nearing that point. I have friends who have babies and white-knuckle it to the ‘burbs. City life becomes a distant memory for them and their main priority is providing a loving environment for their little offspring. I’m no where near “Offspringville” but perhaps it’s time to act my age? Perhaps it’s time to embrace my next stage in life. I need more cash, job security, an emergency fund, and to pay down my debt. I’d like to dress better and more mature. If I could survive the quiet town living of London, perhaps the Upper East Side won’t be so bad. :/

cherie!!! cherie!!!

Bonjour Chérie! Comment allez-vous?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live a summer, or two, in France to learn French? Cherie it’d be perfect! It would be like Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Eat, Pray, Love. It would be so, so divine! Although Gilbert learned Italian in Italy, I would learn French in France. The more I think of this idea and compare it to what Gilbert did the more attractive it is sounding. Imagine it cherie, a summer in France learning French, a summer in Italy learning Italian, and a summer in Portugal learning Portuguese. The idea is just phenomenal! Now for the logistics; where am I going to come up with that kind of money and allowed time off? Well, if I get into law school, summers would be off. If I get into the Teaching Fellows, summers would be off. So that sort of solves the summers issue but what about the monetary issue? It’d be more wonderful to just travel, travel, and travel all over the world for a year or two. Teach English here and there; learning foreign customs and languages. I’d be a whole new individual with a bunch of new experiences to share. This is a new dream. I’m writing it down in the book. I want to travel. A year of traveling won’t do, it’d have to be about two and a half. Within those two plus years, I want to visit all seven continents, visit the major oceans, and travel to both poles and the equator. Yes, this is my new dream/goal. I will do it. I will accomplish it. I like, no love, this new dream of mine.

LSAT

Law School Admissions Test- To be among the best, the elite of the elite, you have to score the best. Perfection is mandatory on this examination that is supposed to test your logical and analytical thinking. As imperative as it is to score the highest, I’m not looking for a perfect score. I’m looking to score just above average. Unfortunately, my undergraduate GPA is atrocious at best and law schools wouldn’t look at me twice. The only option I have to make them look is to score really, really high on the LSATs. I will be one of tens of thousands applying for about one hundred or so positions for the Fall 2010 entering class. My pursuit is no small feat but it is definitely not an impossible feat. With my relentless spirit, I know I can do it. Despite the immense task that lies ahead of me, I think the most arduous battle I’ll be fighting is with my self-defeating self. Yes, with myself. Fighting the negative demon that lies within me is by far the greatest challenge I will ever face. It is this specific demon that comes out in the most inopportune times. It wants me to be complacent. It wants me to obey and fully succumb to it. I struggle daily to keep it at bay. Unfortunately, not every day is a good day and it has the best of me. For now I shall take baby steps. I feel as if I take smaller steps the demon won’t notice much movement. It will continue to believe that I am in full cooperation of its commands. Slowly, very slowly, I will come out from under its brutal, forceful grip. Those sharpened talons can’t hold me forever.

oh what a morning

I’m feeling rather bland and bleh this morning. It didn’t help one bit that I arrived late to work; technically, not really, more or less on the dot, 9:30. Worst of all, my boss was already here. Normally she strolls in closer to 10am and I don’t feel so bad about arriving at 9:20 or 9:26. Well, what am I going to do now? It’s over. I guess I better put the pedal to the metal and get actual work done today, so as to distract from my “tardiness.” Besides my not-so-good morning, I’m feeling rather broke. I look at all these gorgeous women around me, wearing the latest fashion trends or at least clothes that don’t have holes, stains or fuzz balls because they are so old. And then I take one good look at me. How many years ago did I buy this top? Does it really fit anymore? Doesn’t its discoloration tell me something? Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about that; for now all I can do is drool over store windows. Ugh. It is definitely not a morning sunshine day. I could definitely use a pick-me-up or Stacey London and Clinton with their five thousand dollar Bank of America gift card. Well best get back to work….thought writing would help….not so much.

what would be your first reaction?

Let’s imagine for a few seconds that you were told you were endowed a trust fund, how different would your life be? My first response to this question would be utter relief. I’d be swept away with an abundance of calmness. I’d feel like I can finally exhale. I’d feel as everything would be A OK. Although I’d be given this trust fund, I wouldn’t quit my job. I like my job, plus a little extra income wouldn’t hurt either. After being given this trust fund, my first stops would be to Kate Spade, BCBG, Channel, and Intermix for a wardrobe update. Hey…if I’m going to be a trust fund baby, I have to look the part. Once I’ve spent a good amount shopping, I’d have to book a top notch hair appointment. I don’t mean get the more expensive treatment at the same 20-30 dollar Jane. I would book an appointment at a top stylist in New York. So, that’s clothes and hair. Next order of business is a much deserved day at the spa. They’d give me the total work up; the massage, the full body wax, the nails, the pedicure, and whatever other weird treatment is hot right now. Shopping for shoes and handbags would be a special day of its own. I love shoes. One of my first shoe purchases would be these Gucci shoes I’ve always wanted. And, what trust fund baby wouldn’t look great in Louboutin’s? Hmm….to continue on the path to my new look, I’d have to fly in my favorite gay from Ann Arbor. He’s drop dead gorgeous and is definitely more fashionable than I am. Once I’ve book us a suite at the plaza, we’d probably want to catch a play or two. The following day we’ll finally see some ballet and opera. Life would seem right. It would seem more breathable. Hmmm….now that I think about it, I should probably take some time off to process my new found wealth; a trip around the world would be just right. During my year off, I’d plan my re-entrance into the world. My confidence would definitely be through the roof but I feel as if I would also be humble about my wealth. I wouldn’t go throwing it in people’s faces; most likely, I’d still be the same girl…just a heck-of-a-lot better dressed. I know this money won’t bring me happiness but I feel as it would breathe air back into me. My lungs would probably fill up like a balloon. My stress levels would decrease. My life would be a lot riskier. Once my trust fund is safely in the bank, I would pursue my dreams without any hesitation. I wouldn’t feel failure (or maybe not as much) and I definitely wouldn’t feel strapped for cash. So…a recap: a whole new wardrobe (which would be well over due considering my clothes are so outdated), a new purses and shoes wardrobe, weekly appointments at a top notch hair salon, a new apartment at a doorman building (I’ll be thinking about purchasing it), a round the world trip, and a new bold image. This bold image would allow me to seek my wildest dreams; to dream bigger. The bold image would allow me to finally take all the risks I’ve always wanted to. Ironically, I feel as if I’d also be lonelier. For some reason, I’ve always equated wealth with loneliness. I always thought that the better off you were, the more people would despise you; the more people would want to take you down. I’m sure with wealth you also get a new batch of friends but would they really be friends? I feel as if money attracts fake people. These fake people only want you to keep spending. They want you to treat them really nice by spending money on them. It’s as if your money would rub off on them, or the very least they can take it from you. Hmmm….at first the trust fund would bring me fresh breathe, some joy, but then it would stress me out. I’d be stressed about people trying to take it from me or people just pretending to be my friend because I have it. Perhaps Paris Hilton was never my BFF as she claimed?

are you a human being?

ChupaChups needs to free herself from the hold of the masses. The masses are brainwashed. They follow whatever they are told to follow. Eat, sleep, wear, do, and breathe whatever they are told to. They are human doings instead of human beings. No questions are necessary. No real reasons are given. I’m exhausted of being part of the masses. They drive me insane following a culture that doesn’t respect them; little do they know that they have an immense power, at least this is what I believe. I believe that the masses harness this great power; this great force that they are unaware of. I further believe that a few have broken away from the masses and realized the lucrative career that can come from controlling the masses. As long as they follow the rules to controlling the masses, the masses won’t know what’s happening. I may sound like a conspiracy theorist or an anarchist but the evidence is just too overwhelming to ignore. Trained as anthropologist and a media major, I just can’t help but analyze, and some times overanalyze, my surroundings. The masses make my skin crawl. I sometimes feel as if they deserve it. Why don’t you question things? Why don’t you want specific reasons for things? Why do you think you stuff yourself, work your body to exhaustion, and continue to devalue yourself and your efforts as not enough? Whose opinion do you follow? One of my biggest pet peeves is the celebrity culture. Here the masses pedestal these few individuals that “made it” to the big screen. Everything they say, do or wear is later imitated by you; you the person who placed them where they are, who has the power to bring them down or raise their star farther up. Whatever happened to praising scientists and people who actually work to make the world a better place? The soldiers who fight wars, the peace keepers who try to maintain peace and the doctors who save lives….you know…the real people. I bet you most people know more about Britney Spears and Paris Hilton than they do about world history or global warming. Ridiculous! It’s completely ridiculous that Americans know more about Michael Jackson than they do about their own constitutional rights or the three branches of government.

oh suzy q, where are you?

Let’s see. Hmm… So 2009 has been somewhat of a productive and progressive year. I’ve given up meat, liquor, and have pledged to living a healthier lifestyle. Unfortunately, it’s tough. I’m weighing in as “clinically overweight.” Yes, you’ve heard correctly. I am “clinically overweight.” At my five foot one stature and weighing over one hundred and twenty pounds, I am overweight. I need to lose weight. It’s unfortunate that my size two and four jeans are considered overweight for me. It’s a damn right shame that I feel normal. A semi-plus result of my recent weight gain is that my boobs have also grown. So….a free boob job? It’s a pain really…carrying this excess weight. Feeling as if I gain one more pound or one more inch around my waist that I’ll be at serious risk of diabetes (which runs in my family) and heart issues. It’s even more of a shocker because I grew up an athlete and I still like to maintain a somewhat active lifestyle. Oh how I miss the days when I used to eat Suzy Qs without any consequences; the days when my diet consisted mostly of potato chips, soda, and sleep. Now I have to actually put in some effort. I have to make an effort to eat healthier. I have to make an effort to put on appropriate clothes. Although my job I feel is a major contributor to my lackadaisical clothing choices they can’t take all the blame. It’s my responsibility what goes in my mouth and what goes on my body. I need to take better care of myself. Now I know why old people need to be extra careful when they walk. I seriously could never truly understand why they were always breaking their bones. It’s not like they were doing 360s or something of that nature. In any case, a new lifestyle has been adopted; going back to my old behaviors will only be detrimental to me. 2009 has also brought up some mama-drama. Oh lord, am I 17 again? Clearly not if I can’t lose this weight. So same mama-drama issues only now I’m a full grown adult and she has no legal control over me. She can send in as many cops as she wants, and she has sent over two in my short life, but I will not budge. I’m a grown up now biatch! Respect!