space

space

My own mortality approaches. I can feel it breathing down my neck. The moments I have left here are fleeting; I am on borrowed time. Soon, very soon, death will come for me. Such a grim opening for a Monday, no? Well, what else should I have written about? In merely a few hours, I shall be older than dirt- well not quite, but close. Life is about the living, and right now, or at least at certain times, I feel like I am occupying valuable space. It feels like I should step aside for a more suitable candidate. Perhaps a candidate who would make more of its time than I have. Would I be acting so eh about everything if I knew for a fact that I only had a few days? Shouldn’t I be living for the moment instead of pondering if I can even step outside? What is this void I have and why can’t I seem to fill it? I am not satisfied anywhere. Nothing seems to make me happy enough to want to see it through. Would anything spark enough life in me to keep me going? My motivation is dwindling and I am fleeting away. Soon, I will be nothing but bones. What can people say about my life? Absolutely nothing. My accomplishments are pitiful in comparison to the ones I can be making if I had a muse or a passion. The little passion I have now seems to fade in and out. It doesn’t stay long enough for me to want to see the next day through. I am left alone. I wander the streets and I still can’t find what I am looking for. It is not at home and it is not in this torture island amusement park. Crap. Everything in my life turns to crap. By no means am I a Jill of all trades. I suck at almost everything I do.

Read More

yet another session of procrastination

yet another session of procrastination

One of the best things about living here are the weekends. They are so much more relaxing. I guess it is because I am still not in the full swing of things. Whatever the reason may be, I just seem to be more relaxed and I like it. I guess these are the moments I need to reflect and catch up with things. Unfortunately, I sometimes get too relaxed and don’t want to do anything. Lately the only thing that I do want to do is catch up on all the missed TV. I don’t really get it. Since I am not working a full time job, I thought I would have more time, but I don’t. The hours seem so few in the day. Sometimes I try to catch up with late nights, but I always end up falling asleep. It seems that the max studying I can get in a day is three hours. How? I’m only really in school for about two to three hours tops. If you factor in travel time to and from school, it still wouldn’t add up to the missed hours. I need to really manage my time a whole lot better. I’m slowly wasting away some good hours. Instead of being productive, I am catching up on missed TV time. Guess this is just part of my procrastination. Instead of studying, like I had planned to, I am writing this blog and I just finished watching Good Luck Chuck—eh, the movie sucked somewhat…typical Hollywood. Alrighty, it all starts with me. I should be trying to understand what leads to all this procrastination and time wasting. Is it lack of scholarly confidence? I think so. Is it the workload? Perhaps but this is graduate school, a bigger workload is expected. Hmm…..need to take some serious inventory. Ok, so it is five after 6, no more procrastinating after like 8- ha. Hey you have to start somewhere.

Read More

feeling the pinch

feeling the pinch

These past few weeks I have been definitely feeling the international money pinch. My pockets are emptier than ever. Money has never been one of my top driving forces, but I think that will soon change. I really can’t continue living like this. Everything is so expensive. In reality, it isn’t to me, but because I am not making any money, it sure does feel like it. If the dollar would only gain some value it would be great. Why is it dropping so much? Is this Bush’s doing? Crappola! A job, any job, is definitely needed in the near future. The problem I have is that I am overqualified to work at a bar. Don’t really think I am, but once they look at my resume they won’t even give me a shot because I have no real “physical work” experience. I would so love to be a dog walker right now. Don’t mind picking up the poop or playing with the pup. Whenever I’ve applied to work in customer service type jobs, I never get them. Yeah, so I don’t really like people much, but I’ll fake it if I need the money badly enough.

As I’ve mentioned above, I’ve been here now a few weeks. Besides the money issues, I’m enjoying my little adventure. It doesn’t seem much like it though. I do the same thing I used to do back home. School is ok. I am slowly getting the hang of it and it is almost ending as well. Will definitely be sad when classes are over. I would really like to be doing more stuff, but with the lack of funds that is a major no-no. I am trying to conserve the little that I have now, which because of this whole dollar thing isn’t much.

Eh! Life, what can I do about it? Crying won’t help much, so I just have to keep on trucking.

Read More

catch-up

catch-up

I have abandoned you terribly. I apologize for this. It wasn’t my intent to leave you behind, but several events have prevented me from writing. No, these events are not major. They are mostly little mundane stuff that I need to take care of, and they are not of major importance. It just seems that unless I make sure the wheels are moving and people are doing their jobs, shit just won’t get done. Little stuff people, little itty-bitty stuff that you can take care of on your own. Seriously, I’ve been running my own business. Almost every day I am on a major emailing spree. Contacting this person and the other, you would think I’m getting paid for all this stuff. In any case, for the most part, I’ve been stressed. All these things are taking a toll on me. I do have moments to sit down and drink tea, but nothing seems to calm me down for a breather. Hmph!

One of the major things stressing me out right now is money matters and mostly the lack of it. I’ve been looking at my paperwork and I’ve been taxed heavily this year. Where in the world was this money taken from? How have I even managed to pay all that? Really, where is my representation? I say if I am being taxed, I most certainly need proper representation. Darn governments bleeding me dry. Do they think I actually have money? Where do I even come up with this money? I’ve managed to survive for this long, but I am starting to question how. It almost seems impossible that I have managed to live in two of the top ten most expensive cities in the world. Not only have I managed to live there, but I have also lived in some of the most expensive areas. How? Living in cheaper more distant areas won’t fix my problems, so how do I manage? It is just another entry for the stress log.

To conclude, I just want to say that I am acclimating more now. Slitting my wrists is far from my memory now. I’m still not feeling connected to my environment and that is a serious problem because I also wasn’t connected in New York. When will these feelings go away? I want to feel whole, with all my limbs properly attached. Another thing I have noticed is that I tend to complicate everything in my life. I really think this has hindered me educationally. Even with this handicap I have managed to survive. Hmmm, if I would’ve realized this sooner perhaps I would’ve been an A student all he way. If only…..

I shall end here and I hope to write more frequently.

Read More

visitors...yipee

visitors...yipee

It’s raining. It’s snowing. The old man is snoring. Tra-la-la-la. Today’s forecast is rain with another chance of rain. How exciting? The weather never seems to be surprising in this lovely looming town. On the upside, I have a guest coming to stay with me for a few days on Wednesday, which is oh-so-cool. It is just ironic how the people I barely hung out with in school are the people who I am mostly seeing after school. This visit should be exciting and strange at the same time. I guess I should be more open to things now, right? Well I will be and with open arms. Yipee! I have a guest from home coming to visit. Too bad classes began this week. Oh well….who pays attention the first week. We shall be partying like rock stars everywhere we go. Fuck being poor. I only get to live this shit once. If I get another chance, it’ll be awesome, but for now I’ll enjoy the first time around. ……Party like a rockstar….Party like a rockstar. Grand exit.

Read More