more and more

more and more

Supposedly you become a more valuable player once you fail and rise from the burnt ashes of your dreams and hopes. But, how can someone rise from those ashes knowing that their whole world has crumpled before them? Those dreams were the only things keeping them afloat here, the only things that made life worth living. So, what would rising from those ashes be for them? Is it another chance to get destroyed by the big bad world? Seriously, what is the point of it all? I am definitely devastated and in awe of what just occurred, but I am also just damn right angry. Why does my life have to be a myriad of obstacles and speed bumps that I have to overcome to get to the next stage? Is it to be a stronger person? For what precisely do I have to be stronger? What the heck is so great about that next stage? Is it the promise land of chocolate and gold? Is it to be torn down again and ripped limb from limb?

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i'm truly done

i'm truly done

God I feel like shit again. It almost seems pointless to even try anymore. I feel like completely giving up and moving into a trailer in some swampland. At least there I won’t have any expectations. I know exactly what I am getting. If life could just go swimmingly for a short while that would just be great. I really can’t take many more of these speed bumps and obstacles, especially if I don’t know where I am heading. It seems like life is just a big reality show where you are supposed to play this role. It isn’t your reality it is someone else’s. You follow suit and pray everything goes well. No input of your own is required. They will tell you how to act, dress, think, and have sex. All that is required from you is to play the party; no questions asked.

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the crow position

the crow position

Monday turned out to be a glorious and productive day. I woke up at an early hour and was able to do some early morning grocery shopping, which is a good thing because I had, like, zero food in the fridge—I didn’t even have baking soda. Following my shopping spree, I was able to dedicate about three to four hours to learning statistics. (Please don’t ask me what I learned because I already forgot it.) In addition to that, I was also able to get four people to volunteer for my study, now only six more to go. Yoga at night wasn’t too bad. It was actually a bit strange because the men outnumbered the women. It is usually the other way around. In any case, I had an awesome time because I was finally able to hold the crow position-- albeit only two seconds, but it was something. On my journey home I felt a little airy (not like an airhead but just light). In a way it felt good, but at the same time I was going nuts over the quiet streets. Sometimes I love that I can hear the leaves rustle but other times it is just too much. I need NOISE! What can I say, I feel good at the moment, despite the stillness of the night.

Future Concerns:
How in the world am I going to be able to pull off my methods section for my thesis? I strongly dislike math. I would much rather have a calculator for simple math, and even then would need to double-check myself. For now, I am taking it one step (and day) at a time. Speaking of which, I just remembered I have to do some volunteer work. Ha.

Au revouir (sp?) for now.


PS Did I mention my Chinese neighbors are crazy? Sure are. I love them to pieces, and for the life of me can’t fall asleep unless I hear them fighting, but sometimes it seems like that are really going at it. Ha. I’m pretty sure they are only talking loudly though.

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time for action

time for action

What is my purpose in life? Is it to get up at 7am and work my life away in a 9-5? Is it to work for people who cause pain on to others or who use others for their own purposes? Life is an amazing gift we have. It wasn’t given to us so that we can waste it. From my understanding, it was to use it for the greater good. Being born into a rich or poor community doesn’t give you an advantage or disadvantage. What I believe gives you the edge to be successful in life is love and compassion. I never write about love because I don’t really know what it is about. All my life I’ve been running away from it. For as far back as I can remember I’ve always tried my hardest to keep people at arms length. Forming meaningful connections with others was a big no-no to me. The less I had that connection with another human, the better off I would be. I wouldn’t have to hurt or worry. I would just be in my little world, my little world of numbness. What makes me feel really ashamed is when people ask me how I’m feeling. If I were to tell them the truth, I would tell them that the only things I feel are anger, fear, and sadness. The positive emotions of happiness and love are far erased from my memory. It truly saddens me that if I am not feeling anger, sadness, or pain, I am mostly just feeling numb. The numbing feeling is my closest thing to happiness. At times, I believe that that is peace. So, now I sit here. Wasting my life away by not living. Millions of people worldwide are dying to have what I have, the precious gift of life. I have had the fortune to be healthy most of my life, and what do I have to show for it? Can I say I’ve saved a life? Can I claim to be a peacekeeper? Am I responsible for bringing some form of irrigation for a village in desperate need of water? My answer to all would be no. I have not done anything with my time. I keep the ideal that everyone should be living his or her lives to the fullest, but everyday I waste mine away. Hours upon hours I spend watching TV, watching other people live their lives. It frustrates me when people pay money to know what celebrities are wearing. They idolize these people that don’t deserve more than a second’s praise. Millions are dying of hunger and illnesses that could’ve been avoided with a mere few dollars. However, these idolized, camera-hungry people spend thousands of dollars on a handbag that was most likely created from a murdered crocodile. Now, I know I am no saint. I, too, would love the beautiful shoes and dresses. I guess this is just a note for me to get up off my ass and do something for others and for myself. Be that person that I know I can be.

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