life, omg

Sunday, July 27, 2008

life, omg

Dealing with siblings is tough. My younger brother just got kicked out of my aunt’s apartment. He knows why he’s being kicked out and understands he now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Truly I’m worried for him and so is my mother. She regretfully told him she couldn’t take him in because she, too, doesn’t want to deal with his nasty attitude. She said she’ll more than gladly help him with a deposit into renting a room but she couldn’t take him back. He obviously took it as a major insult and is again shunning her and the rest of the family. Unfortunately, he has serious trust issues. He is now in a moment of need and feels like he’s being treated like shit. He apparently overlooks the fact that wherever he lives people feel they have to walk on eggshells. He has a very difficult personality to deal with and most people just don’t want to be bothered with. He has serious issues he needs to work out but he doesn’t seem to really work at them. All I can do for him is trust he’ll be fine. At first I wasn’t nice about it. I became really irate with him. I honestly feel he makes dumb choices and doesn’t realize how badly he truly needs to work on his attitude. But I need to have faith and trust he will be ok. See dealing with siblings is tough.

As for myself, I have so much to deal with. I still haven’t paid my rent. I do have to money, well most of it, but I don’t want to dish it out. I’m hoping that magically $1600 will appear. Unfortunately, I have no job and have to trek on. So this means I have to put it on my credit card. Besides my rent, which was a long time ago my only concern, I now have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I’m standing at a fork-in-the-road. Either I give up my apartment in New York and become a vagabond in Europe or I go back to my life back home. So let me break it down:

Returning to NY:
By returning to NY, I’ll be saving my East Village apartment. I’ll be saving thousands of dollars because I won’t have to do the whole broker’s thing again. I’ll also be saving the trouble of trying to find someone who can sign a lease or has a guarantor. Two of the toughest problems apartment seekers have to deal with.

A plus that goes with going back home is that the apartment will truly be mine and that I can make it into a home. Whenever I become roommates with someone, I don’t ever feel like it’s somewhere I can come home. I almost never fully unpack because I know that within a few months time I’ll be moving again. I never put roots down because I always know I have to uproot. So in a way I can see this as a great challenge and opportunity; I’ll finely have a chance to make something my own.

Staying in London:
By staying in London, I can calmly finish my thesis and re-sit for the class I need to in order to finally get my masters. Since living in London is like living in the burbs for me, I can maintain this lovely calm I sometimes have.

A major plus for London is that it is a major hub for traveling. I can find hundreds of cheap tickets to fly everywhere, well at least in Europe and parts of Africa. I can finally travel around the globe, in an economical type of way.

Another plus for London is that I can also root myself here. Renting an apartment in London is sometimes cheaper than renting in NY. For what I pay out in NY, I can get a house in London, with a garden. It’ll be the true suburb experience in a city.

The negatives, however, is that I’ll need to do this visa thing. I’ll have to dish-out about 1G just to stay and work here. I’m pretty certain I’ll get it because I’m American but still.

Also, wherever I decide to live, I’m faced with the same choices: finding a job, repaying my student loan, paying down my credit card, finishing graduate school. For the moment, I urgently need to find a job. I need to pay for shelter and for food. I know I have to also try to finish my thesis but a job is really a top priority at the moment. I need to stop being a lazy Stacey. Watching TV and pretending everything is ok just won’t do. I have to face my reality whether I like it or now. I need to start telling myself the things I tell others. STOP BEING INACTIVE AND GET PROACTIVE. The death of my tutor and Randy Pausch should have motivated me enough but its not outer things that are going to make me get my act together. I have to do shit for me. Ewwww am I growing up. Blah. ☹

Ok…. so entertain me for a bit here while I figure myself out.

Priorities:
Code Red:
Job
Graduate School
Living situation

Code Red Orange:
Thesis by September/December
Moving in September
Finding a place to live, if staying in London
Shipping my boxes overseas, if going back home
Waking up at 6 or 7 am to be at work at 8:30
Dealing with my financial mess
Budgeting with my last little pennies

Code Orange:
Ironing my thesis
Resubmitting the work for my class
Budgeting
Giving the Salvation Army half my stuff
Packing

Code Green:
Due date of rent
Have extra time for finding a new roommate
Extra time for submitting my thesis

Gosh…I have to get down to work. Guess it’s back to reality for me. Whoops…forgot about my laundry. Best be off to my new “reality.”

God just grant me serenity now to deal with the things I can. For some odd reason you thought I could handle all these things so I guess I best get cracking. Ugh! ☺