Chupa Chups: November 2008

insecure

Procrastination- why do I do it?

Hello. My name is &(*(U()*)((*. I am a chronic procrastinator. I procrastinate because I feel unable to do a task. I feel as if I will automatically get a negative outcome. My self worth diminishes when I’m faced with any task. My train of thought is usually that I am stupid, incompetent, and not capable enough to pull something off. I’m insecure about my work output. I constantly believe that my work is not good enough. I feel as if others do a better job of things than I do. Besides others being better than me, I feel as if it takes me twice and sometimes three times as long to get something, which in turn makes me feel even more incompetent. I am not a perfectionist. Most of my things are in chaos. Although in the surface they may look as if they are neatly put away, when you open a drawer or closet door you’ll be able to see the dysfunction that is my life. It is exactly how I portray myself to the world. I may seem independent and fully capable to do many things but in the inside I don’t feel as capable. I sometimes don’t feel as if I can truly make it. Whenever I decide to do something it is usually after I’ve had an epic battle with myself. Part of me thinks I can’t do anything or really amount to much and the other part of me feels that the presidency is looming in 15 years. I’m in a constant state of battle with my negative thoughts. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed because I wait until the last minute to do things. I wait until the last minute to do things because I feel incompetent. I feel incompetent because I compare myself to others and see how quickly they pick up things. I don’t pick up things as quickly as others because my head is somewhere else. My head is somewhere else because I sometimes find things boring and not entertaining. I find things boring and unentertaining because I feel as if I know better or I don’t agree with them. I feel as if I know better because I am not as open minded as I think I am. I like patterns, which are sometimes OCD in nature. I like patterns because it means I know what’s going to come next. I like to know what’s going to happen next. I feel unsafe if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I look at things from all angles to make sure I know what’s going to happen next.

enrolling at Harvard for fall 2010

So the results for my dissertation are out and I am terrified to check them. For one, I’m really afraid I failed. As my supervisor said, failing the dissertation means failing too much. So in a way I want to keep the mystery and the hope that I passed. I guess I just want to be oblivious to the outcome for as much as I can. I know eventually I’ll have to find out but for now I just want to keep the illusion that I possibly passed. In any case, I’m moving on. Whether the results are positive or negative, I’m moving on and I won’t let it stop me from realizing the only dream I’ve ever had of obtaining my PhD. So…….I’ve been requesting application packs and prospectus from several schools. I’m even contemplating applying to Harvard. Hey…what do I have to lose at this point? The application fee? A bit of dignity? Who knows, I may even get in and get a second chance. Quite honestly at this point I could care less if I get in as a minority student. I know plenty of people who’ve used unconventional ways to get into grad school. I’m shooting for fall 2010. I figured it would give me enough time to make me a desirable candidate. Hey. The first time was a bust, the second time was a win, and who knows what the third time will bring. See you in the fall of 2010 Harvard!

Now the only thing I have to decide is how to properly apply to both the PhD and JD programs.

self worth, is it worth it and what is it?

Do you know what self worth means? I have somewhat of a vague idea of what it is but to truly give you a proper definition I am completely lost. I always took self worth to mean exactly what the two words stood for. Self- yourself and your view; worth- value….you put them together you have self value, how you value yourself, what you think of your self. It such a simple concept but so many have trouble identifying it in them, including myself. Last night a friend asked me about self worth and I was completely clueless; I did not know how to answer her. I always thought I had somewhat of an idea of my worth but I never defined it, not even to myself. I felt sort of foolish. I felt as if I was hit with the duh stick. Something so simple and yet I can’t properly define it for myself. What is my self worth? I don’t know. “I don’t know” is a horrible answer to things. She makes me realize that saying “I don’t know” means you are not trying to answer the question. It is almost as if you don’t care enough to attempt to answer it. I mean it is completely ok to not know something, but at least an attempted answer is good. So, back to self worth, let’s see what the dictionaries say.

Wiki-In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth

Random site-
Self-worth is frequently based on our feelings of worth in terms of our skills, achievements, status, financial resources, or physical attributes. This kind of self-esteem or self-worth often cultivates an independent and arrogant attitude. When we find ourselves not measuring up to society’s criteria for worth, we suffer serious consequences. Our self-worth depreciates dramatically. The illusion of being successful and admired gives way to disillusionment as our possessions and achievements that once nourished our souls fail to satisfy our appetites. Every individual experiences basic needs -- hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc. We are conditioned to satisfy these needs by getting something -- food, drink, or rest. Mistakenly we conclude that by getting, we will achieve an acceptable self-worth/esteem.

Nothing depreciates self-worth faster than regret, anger, or fear. For four years, Kelly worked in sales. If she achieved her monthly quota and bonuses, her self-worth soared with her supervisor’s praise. Like a barometer, her self-worth plummeted as she received criticism during non-productive cycles.

One day Kelly marched into work, carrying a large box. One by one she placed pictures of her family and cards from friends as positive reminders. She renewed her self-worth by considering ways she could give something personal to each client or co-worker -- a word of encouragement, a sympathetic ear, or a prayer for their circumstances. “In the beginning, I felt like such a failure when not getting sales that I practiced self-depreciation. But after I dedicated myself to giving not getting, I had an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. It was as if I was losing the ability to worry!”

There is a great example of this in the Bible. The apostle Paul “learned the secret of living in every situation” (Philippians 4:11-13). Self-esteem is an attitude of respect for and contentment with oneself based on the recognition of one’s abilities and acceptance of one’s limitations.

self-worth Definition
self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)
noun
one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

Based on the definitions above, I did have a pretty good clue of what it was- or at least its definition. However, do I live or have it. To an extent I think I do. I mean who doesn’t want to achieve things. I know I do. Yes society pressures you to do great and punishes you when you fail. I guess the main purpose of self worth is valuing oneself as an individual without the external. Successes or failures shouldn’t define who you are as a human being. It’s tough to acknowledge but it’s true. SO the big question at hand. WHO AM I AS A HUMAN BEING? As part of the human race, I know I have value as soon as I am conceived. But what else do I want for myself? Regardless of successes or failures, what makes me happy and makes me feel whole? I don’t know. I guess will have to find out together.

so tired

I think I slept way too many hours last night. I’ve been exhausted the whole entire day. I can barely stay up; not to mention that the office is almost empty and that those that are here barely make any noise. Sometimes I wish my job was more entertaining. Perhaps screaming matches on the phone or pranks set by other coworkers. Hmph…if only.

Besides the astronomically boring work day I’ve had, I must say that my week has been rather productive. I’ve managed to keep busy until at least 10 each night. Running around from workshop or class; it’s fun but a bit exhausting and I barely get to catch up on my Gossip Girl.

OH GOD…not even writing helps me. This is serious. If only coffee worked for me.

tuesdays

Tardiness is not next to godliness, or so I’ve been told. Lately I just can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I need to develop better time management skills.

Here I go again. Sit in my little swivel chair, type in this little notebook, have meaningless small talk with my neighbor, and of course pray to god I can manage to stay awake and focused for eight hours. Is not that I don’t appreciate or like my job, it’s just that I would like to do something that pays better. My student loans aren’t going to pay themselves on a minimum wage job. Who knows what kind of person or where I’ll be in a few months time; I just hope that I am slightly happier than I am now. I want my life to be more meaningful. I want to wake up everyday excited to go outside and interact with the world- however cruel or nice it may be that day. When I come home, I want it to be welcoming, cozy, and chic. There’s a lot of wants in those last few sentences. I honestly don’t think that those wants are too ostentatious to have. In general all I need is a roof, a bed, food, and an activity for the day. Eh who knows…. Perhaps something will sparkle inside of me.

I should get back to the basics, think somewhat practical, and stop being a gypsy as my friend calls me.

where's my life jacket?

Merely a year ago I was completely debt-free, minus the credit card bill that was more than manageable. However, this Christmas I sing another tune, the tune of debt. After taking out massive student loans, I am trying my hardest to keep afloat. I’m managing if only by the grace of god but I need to remove myself from all this heavy debt. Thus far I have two massive debts: my student loans and my credit card bill. The student loan I know I’ll have with me for years so I’m sort of ok with that if that’s the only big bill I have. The credit card debt is still somewhat manageable but once the second student loan repayment kicks in it will probably become a burden. Besides those debts, I have two that I truly want to get out of the way immediately. One is the security deposit return for my former roommate. Since she vacated the apartment and left it for me, I was supposed to give her the security deposit she put down. I truly want to give her the security because she, too, is struggling and is soon expecting a little one in January….hence why I want to give her the cash she needs before than. She’s been really great to me and I truly appreciate that. On top of her generosity throughout our living together, she has not once pressured me for her money back and I’ve been living in the apartment since September. The other debt that I truly want to rectify is the security deposit of my current roommate/friend that I had to sort of use. When I moved back I was completely and I mean completely broke. The first paycheck didn’t come soon enough and of course it wasn’t enough to cover the mounting money I had to dish out. Once I’m done with both of these, I really only have my regular monthly bills: rent, phone, utility, etc. It seems really stressful and it is but hopefully I’ll learn to cope and gain some much needed serenity now.

As a form of cheap entertainment and to reduce some stress, I joined a meditation group. Last night was my first class and I loved it. It wasn’t pretentious or anything like that it was just some good old, straight forward meditation. We meditate for 45 minutes, shared what we experienced, and finished off with some metta meditation.

Inner thoughts- This is so stressful. I’m feeling overwhelmed with debt and with life. I need help. Perhaps that Cigna stress management program will work. Ha. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. I just need to take it easy and slowly.

swimming my way through

The United States of America has its first biracial (yes, not solely black) president in its 200 plus years of existence. Gosh…it took over 200 plus years for the first, not fully white, male president to be elected. Should I be holding my breathe 200 plus more years for the first woman president or merely 80? Well all and all I’m pretty OK with the decision made. I can’t complain much, after all this country is in the shitter anyway. Let’s see what he does.

As for my own life, its there. The heart is ticking, the lungs are inhaling and exhaling, and my brain is semi-functioning half of the time. What can I say other than I feel like I’m in my old rut again. I know this should be a perfect opportunity for me to get out of it, seeing as I’m aware of it, but I’m not motivated enough. This job is draining. It drains my life away. When I get home I’m just too exhausted to do anything, at least nothing productive but what TV. I’m like so caught up on all this bullshit. I truly dislike spending countless hours of my life just watching other people live their own; but at the same time, I’m too exhausted to do anything else that requires much brain power. I need to figure a way out of this. I like writing out my feelings but at the same time its just so darn depressing. I would much rather be writing about the adventures I’m having. Perhaps if I write down my adventures they’ll come true. Hmm…there’s an idea.

Adventure:
On a mild and humid day in November, I decide to cool off by going for a swim. Since the train ride to the beach is way too long, I decide that its best to try the Hudson River. As I pass by the droves of slow moving pedestrians, I notice the beauty that is the architecture of New York and lose myself in a daze, almost forgetting what my purpose was in walking west. Finally I reach the West Side highway, which is easily noticeable through all the smog and the speeding cars. As I wait for the light to turn, I can see the dozens of runners, cyclists, and rollerbladers on the paved road across the highway. Crossing in the designated pedestrian walkway is a mission on its own. You think its all smooth sailing because the light is for you to walk but nope you have to dodge cars coming at you from another direction. So as I finally arrive at the other side of the highway, I am greeted by a speeding drove of cyclists, who look like they are going to kill me if I don’t move out of their way. Who knew being a pedestrian would be so hard, you’d think they would offer us some sort of workshop titled “How to Walk in the Streets of New York Without Getting Killed by Taxis, Cyclists, Runners, and Other Pedestrians.” So here I am at my desired destination, I look for a spot that looks like a good jumping position and off I go. As I start with my breast stroke, I suddenly realize how panicky I get when I’m in water that’s over 5 feet deep. “Oh Crap!” Here I go in doggy paddle mode back to the boardwalk but first I have to remove all this gosh darn rubbish that’s in my way. When they said the Hudson River was dirty, they weren’t kidding. Ugh! “What is this? A six-pack plastic… grrrrr.” Back on the boardwalk I notice some people gawking at me in amazement. Eeh…I shrug and lay down to enjoy the beautiful foggy sky in that mild and humid November day.