void

Monday, May 17, 2010

void

Void. Empty. Hole. Where human emotions are inserted, my box has a huge gapping hole. It makes me feel empty inside because I don’t experience things in the same way. I have a void. I don’t know how to fill the hole up. I excommunicate myself from human society as best I can. It helps in the beginning but begins to sting in the next stage. I prevent negativity and let downs by staying far away; creating the ever elusive ten-foot pole. I can’t fill this void. I don’t know how to. I’ve attempted to assimilate but somehow I still feel like an outcast. I’ve gone through many of life’s stages feeling the exact same way. I can’t penetrate the inner core so I stay in the outskirts. Nothing fills it up. I’ve tried material things, education, travel, and even people. It doesn’t work. Why doesn’t it work? How can I grow out of this? Is it permanent? What exactly is this feeling? I take a deep breathe in and exhale. I take another. Another….. Soon, if I don’t pace myself and my thoughts, it becomes a panic attack. Count…one, two, three, four….breathe….five, six, seven, eight….breathe…nine……ten. Breathe. One breathe in, two out. I don’t know what to do. I have resources and use them but I can’t shake it off. I can’t shake it off. Help.