summer is here, yippee!

summer is here, yippee!

These past few days have been rough, but I am managing to get through them. I received some great news and some not-so-great news. A relationship ended and another one is continuing to blossom. My mother is so Jewish! The summer is fast approaching. The streets are getting crowded. Three mosquito bites on my arms and back. All-in-all, I hope today manages to be a swell day.

In Depth-
The gyno and I agreed to terminate our two-year long relationship. We were clearly not a good fit anymore. I needed more attention and fast responses. She doesn’t appreciate rude patients. Hopefully the next one will meet my demands.

As for the bad news she gave me, I am dealing with it. Somehow it doesn’t seem as bad anymore, but those few days of not knowing exactly what was wrong with me were torturous.

The teach and I are seeing each other tonight. It is really heartbreaking that we met each other so late in the game. I hope this continues to blossom. He is such a cutie pie. Gotta love him.

Saw my mom this weekend….jees-louise can we say JEWISH! Lays the damn guilt trips on hard sometimes, but I had to go. I just had to GO! She was driving me insane.

Phew! Summer is here. I don’t feel as bad as I normally do during this season. Hair is so out-of-whack but I don’t care. It is beautiful out and I love it.

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an existential crisis....perhaps lifted?

an existential crisis....perhaps lifted?

When exactly it happened, I have no clue. All I can say is that it is happening again. I have somehow managed to slip back into my existential crisis. The same crisis that has helped me ward off almost all my friends. It seemed like I was improving and getting over it, but no I slipped. Now I have to figure out a way to get out of it this time alive. It was hard enough the first time, so I have no clue how to get out of it the second time. At least I am able to catch it at an early stage. Ugh! Why do I have constantly question and analyze everything? Why can’t I just let things be? I have often done this and it does both good and bad. I tend to over think everything in life and it sucks! Hopefully that will cease soon.


ON another note, the existential crisis may be lifting. I got into UCL! Woo Hoo a top-notch school and I got into it! Finally, I get some validation for my hard work.

On yet another note, things with the teach last night were cool, but not reassuring. He definitely knows my bags will be packing soon and has shown no signs to want to continue anything. Oh well…really what can I do. I cannot force him to want something more. It really isn’t fair to him or me. Guess I will just let things be.

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Too much

Too much

Palm keeps asking me if Teach knows that I am leaving and I always respond in the affirmative or say that I am sure he knows. We’ve never really talked about me leaving while being sober, that is, until tonight. In a way, I feel kind of odd about it. After hearing Crin’s story, I am a little skeptical about this whole situation. What if this is all some hoax? Is it really living in the moment? Would things be different if I wasn’t leaving? Who knows? Guess we will never truly know because I can also be acting differently.

Ugh! All I really know is how he makes me feel, and, ironically, how I show him how I feel. Guess I have to take everything a day at a time. Although, when I asked him if he was going to miss me, he said he was. I mean that was great but I wanted him to tell me more. I wanted him to tell or ask me if we could continue this. What I need to do is not to become consumed with him. I was already starting to forget him—after a few days away I start losing the high I get when I am with him—and then he called to meet up. Now I am back to square one. God, Jesus!

Another ARGH! Now there is no WAY I can ask him what our “status” is. This absolutely sucks. I will be in limbo until I go. Jesus Louises.

This is absolutely too much. Teach has too much control over me without being aware of it. I need to do something drastic.

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carpe diem

carpe diem

Seizing the moment has always been my motto in life. I was supposed to grab life by the balls and yank it- ha. With my departure nearing, I am beginning to question whether I should proceed or not. Do you remember the feeling during the last year in high school when you wish that the last three years were as good as the last? You know that eventually you have to part ways and it becomes a reality that you have to move onto the next stage in life. Well that’s exactly the feeling I have now. It is like living life with a death sentence. You always know your time here is fleeting but you never truly do anything about it until you are giving a death certificate. I am not saying that I want to do a whole 180 on my life for a boy who may or may not work out. I am just saying that considering that I have always avoided this part of my life, why can’t I indulge this for a bit. Thus far, my journey in life has been a lonely one. Not just in the romantic zone but also in the friend zone. I don’t want to be isolated or lonely all of my life. I want company. I want to feel! Don’t want to continue to hide my emotions for fear of being hurt. I want to experience the emotional part of life.

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Sheffield or Bristol?????

Sheffield or Bristol?????

At the moment, I have a choice between Sheffield and Bristol. Sheffield’s population is about 500K and Bristol’s is about 400K. Compared to my 8+ Mil in the city, it looks like I will be drastically diving into small town living. How in the world will I get around these damn places? It will certainly be a town where EVERYONE knows your name or knows you are so an outsider. Sheffield is offering me money and saying I could possibly have 50% of tuition paid. On the other hand, Bristol hasn’t offered me anything and it was my number choice. IF I get into UCL, then it will be a hard choice. UCL is the best out of all the schools and it is a bit tougher to get into—I still haven’t heard from them despite the fact they said I will be contacted at the end of March. Another plus to UCL is that it is located in London. I am not to sure where or if it is in central London but anywhere near a city that has at least 1Mil is good for me—although even a mil would be considered small town living. Sheffield and Bristol are in the same spots, rank-wise. Nothing too drastically separates them. Apparently, a lot of Brit schools are good. They don’t rank very well in the States but they are considered good in the UK. What to do, what to do?

Received another text from the teach EARLY in the am. It was really unexpected but so cute. He must’ve been drunk or something. Nevertheless, it shows that for that one drunken moment he thought of me. And, as the saying goes, it is the thought that counts. I really hope things go well between us.

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Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo!

Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo!

For some reason, today feels like such an awesome day. It could be the weather or it could be the AM text I received from teach. Whatever it is, I am certainly not complaining. Although, considering my weird outfit, I should be.

I believe it all began with the wonderful elevator ride this morning. I was running extra late, my feet were hurting from those darn sandal/shoes I decided to wear, and I had to wait an extra five minutes for the elevator, but my woes seemed to magically disappear when I saw who my elevator mate was. He is such a cutie pie. It is a darn shame he is so taken. We said our morning pleasantries and went about our merry way.

In the afternoon, he asked for my help and I was more than willing to assist him in his hour of need. I helped him with his technological problem and he sent an amusing email. A few emails later, I was in love with him all over again. Ha. Love him.

Fake office romances are the best. Hey…it is something to pass the time by.

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Staking Claim

Staking Claim

This past weekend I met up with someone I hadn’t spoken to in nearly a year. She is still doing her own thing and going on strong. Sometimes I wish we were still the friends we used to be, but I have grown somewhat so I cannot complain. One day I do hope that we rekindle some of our old passion. She was such an awesome person to be around.

Ironically, I’ve been meeting up with a lot of old friends these past few weeks. I guess it is my way of making amends or something. Who knows, maybe this is a sure sign that I will be leaving. I mean I know I want to leave but nothing seems real until you actually do it.

The last few days with the teach have been good. Actually, I think I am developing more feelings for him and I am definitely finding him more attractive. He is such a cutie pie. Well, let’s see what happens. UGH! I told him he should call me while he is on vacation. I feel like such an idiot because I said that. It seems that I am getting more ‘girlie’ and staking claim. I definitely need to slow down because it is so not cute.

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