:/

:/

Who’s been a raging B (and that with a capital B) lately? I HAVE! For some unknown reason, I’ve been the biggest B to my friend who’s only been nice to me; even my roommate is getting the silent treatment. It seems everything these two individuals do irritates the crap out of me. From the way they sit on a couch to the way they dress, nothing seems to get approval from me. I refuse to believe it’s my period causing all this rage inside of me---but one must wonder.


Here I sit at my desk on yet another Thursday morning. Trying to figure out if I’m meant to be here or searching for polar bears at the poles. For now I’m fine with the sugarless oatmeal I just ate and the carrot I’m about to eat.


To switch matters a bit, I’m reading a book- Confederacy of Dunces—about a guy named Ignatius P. Reilly and all I can say is that that guy is super annoying. (Even a character in a fiction book is annoying me!) He treats his momma like crap and worse of all is another momma’s boy. He’s thirty years old, graduated from graduate school, held a job for about two weeks once, and now is safely at home living with his momma. He has no ambition to ever move out or get married. Hmm….I wonder why a grown “man” living at home with his momma irritates me. Oh I don’t know…could it be my fatal attraction to them. Yuck. Can I ever escape momma’s boys?

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what an emotional rollercoaster.

what an emotional rollercoaster.

I cannot believe how much you irritate me. EVERYTHING you do seems to just get a rise out of me. Whether I’m trying my hardest to be polite or whether I flat out don’t care you just irritate me. I don’t know what or why it is, it just is. From your mindless conversations to you’re your little mannerisms, everything you do just seems to irritate me. I try and pray my hardest to be nice to you and not be all mean but you just get it out of me. I’m extra sarcastic and sometimes I look down on you. I run my mouth off about how much I can’t stand you but act like a hypocrite when I invite you to events. I don’t mean to be this way and I honestly don’t know why I’m this way. The only thing I can remember is when I dated someone in the summer of 2007 where I sort of acted in the same fashion. I couldn’t stomach to kiss that one, so at least you are light years ahead of that one. What do I do? Do I cut you off? I feel like I should just let you be. I feel as if I’ve stripped you down to an empty shell of yourself. I feel horrible when you try to make contact and I pull away. I know that you are this affectionate individual; an individual who likes to be touchy-touchy, someone who like caress at every second of the day….I’m not. I especially get bothered when people try to touch me in the summer. When I’m out having fun, I don’t want to be touched. I just want to dance and enjoy conversation. I feel and know that you need human contact. Unfortunately I can never give you what you want. I feel badly that I restrict you in certain ways. I don’t want to. I think it’s best if I don’t continue to poison you any more. Yes, you say you love hanging out with me…that you love just being around me. I sometimes hate that. At first I agreed because I saw no harm in that but now I sing a different tune. Sometimes I feel you like the plague that just won’t go away. Sometimes your chivalrous acts make it hard for me to be “mean” and make me feel as a big a-hole. Last night I was tired of standing and you looked around the room for a chair I can sit on. God, why do I feel this way? It feels like a hate filled emotional rollercoaster. One minute I like you and the other minute I just can’t stomach you. I know that what is down on paper isn’t what I want but some little acts you do are sweet and my attitude towards you shifts a little. This is never going anywhere far, of that I am sure of, but what do I do in the interim?

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don't mistake me

don't mistake me

Obviously you must have me mistaken for someone who cares; someone who gives a damn (hmmm…this is starting to sound like the song). I don’t care about your day at work. I could care less about your boss’ illness or love life. Do I care that her son likes to pretend he is a superhero by wearing a brown paper bag? Heck NO! He’s probably got a mental retardation and needs to have it checked out. (I’m definitely kidding about this. No offense.) I don’t care about your business venture and I especially don’t care about the mundane things you tell me; for example, your workout routine at the gym, what you had for lunch, what you ate for dinner. Get it?! Talk to me about something interesting. Talk to me about the world. Talk to me about ancient history, today’s politics or the latest indie flick you saw. PLEASE don’t talk to me about your mother, your sleeping patterns, how lovely you think the rain is or whatever mundane thing you want to talk with me about. Yes, I understand that you are a decades older than I am but just because you are older doesn’t mean you know everything. It especially doesn’t mean I don’t know anything. I know how to pitch a tent, start a fire, and spread a ready-made fudge mixture into a pan….for goodness sake. What, do you think I can’t read? If I don’t know something, I can definitely figure it out. I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! If I ask for it, by all means do what you can. However, don’t believe me as inept as to not know anything. Thank you!

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conversations that persist in my head

conversations that persist in my head

So I finally wake up after setting up five different alarms. I do my morning meditation, shower, eat breakfast, and continue with my morning routines of checking email and seeing what occurred while I was sleeping on Facebook. The good thing about having friends all over the world and in different time zones is that when you wake up to check your Facebook page, they would have already done something with their days. Onward I move with my morning. Since I woke up before 7:30 this morning, I was expecting to leave at roughly 8:30. Sadly this wasn’t the case because I left after 9am. Thankfully my employer allows us until 9:30 to be in. So as I’m walking over to work, late and all, I start thinking about random things, as is always the case when I walk. The first thing I start arguing (yes because I can’t have a nice delightful conversation with myself) about is Verizon versus Time Warner Cable. I’m upset that I’m stuck with effing Time Warner. Seeing as Verizon FiOs has infected Manhattan, I was thinking that finally I can switch over, which is so not the case. The only thing Verizon has to offer me is DirectTV- satellite. Unfortunately, I’ve tried satellite before and it definitely won’t work with my current location anymore. I’ve resigned to this fact for years now. Still I don’t get how I still can’t get FiOs. Anyway…the gods that be must not like FiOs for me. Once I’ve reached Union Square I start thinking about that a-hole who ditched me with a massive bill and a difficult financial situation. I mean the only person I should be mad at really is myself because he did the exact same thing before. I knew what I was getting into and I had faith that he wouldn’t screw me over. Luckily for me he could care less and still screwed me over. From what I gathered from the Facebook world, he and his boyfriend are soon flying off to Iceland. How effing nice?! You ditch me with all this crap and you fly off to Iceland. As I pass the soon-to-be Pret-a-Manager (or however you spell it), I start thinking about my not-so-great financial situation. I can manage but I can’t breathe, especially not take big gulps. My friends in London want me to visit but with the summer prices there is no way I can afford it. I’m stuck being a responsible, practical adult now; an adult that sees everything in a dark, dark financial light; one that feels constrained to stay put because she can’t do a darn thing. Hmmph!

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arch nemesis

arch nemesis

She returns. The arch nemesis returns. She doesn’t know she’s my arch nemesis and neither does anyone else for that matter. BUT she is. She’s the one girl in my high school who always got better grades than I did, had better looks than I had, was just a bit more popular than I was. UGH! Did I hate it when I got an 88 and she got a 90 on an exam. EVERYthing it seemed, she did better than I did. Now our fates meet again. This Saturday she’s going to be celebrating her birthday- even her birthday is earlier than mine…jeez. I know I shouldn’t attend, especially with this mindset but I can’t help it. I want to leave work to go shopping this very minute. I already know what expensive shows I should wear and exactly the kind of outfit I want to sport. I want to look drop dead gorgeous. I want her to see that I’m SO much more awesome than she is. I mean, I sort of already win because she has a kid- OR did I? Anyway….I want to look Maxim model gorgeous. Hmmm…I think I know the exact person for the job in that area. PERFECT! Gosh I’m so devilish. Alright…so the nemesis. She freaking stole my “most unique” title in high school…and she even had the nerve to steal my crown at prom. What was I? RUNNER UP! RUNNER UP! RUNNER UP! I want my big crown dammit!

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