what an emotional rollercoaster.

Monday, June 22, 2009

what an emotional rollercoaster.

I cannot believe how much you irritate me. EVERYTHING you do seems to just get a rise out of me. Whether I’m trying my hardest to be polite or whether I flat out don’t care you just irritate me. I don’t know what or why it is, it just is. From your mindless conversations to you’re your little mannerisms, everything you do just seems to irritate me. I try and pray my hardest to be nice to you and not be all mean but you just get it out of me. I’m extra sarcastic and sometimes I look down on you. I run my mouth off about how much I can’t stand you but act like a hypocrite when I invite you to events. I don’t mean to be this way and I honestly don’t know why I’m this way. The only thing I can remember is when I dated someone in the summer of 2007 where I sort of acted in the same fashion. I couldn’t stomach to kiss that one, so at least you are light years ahead of that one. What do I do? Do I cut you off? I feel like I should just let you be. I feel as if I’ve stripped you down to an empty shell of yourself. I feel horrible when you try to make contact and I pull away. I know that you are this affectionate individual; an individual who likes to be touchy-touchy, someone who like caress at every second of the day….I’m not. I especially get bothered when people try to touch me in the summer. When I’m out having fun, I don’t want to be touched. I just want to dance and enjoy conversation. I feel and know that you need human contact. Unfortunately I can never give you what you want. I feel badly that I restrict you in certain ways. I don’t want to. I think it’s best if I don’t continue to poison you any more. Yes, you say you love hanging out with me…that you love just being around me. I sometimes hate that. At first I agreed because I saw no harm in that but now I sing a different tune. Sometimes I feel you like the plague that just won’t go away. Sometimes your chivalrous acts make it hard for me to be “mean” and make me feel as a big a-hole. Last night I was tired of standing and you looked around the room for a chair I can sit on. God, why do I feel this way? It feels like a hate filled emotional rollercoaster. One minute I like you and the other minute I just can’t stomach you. I know that what is down on paper isn’t what I want but some little acts you do are sweet and my attitude towards you shifts a little. This is never going anywhere far, of that I am sure of, but what do I do in the interim?