with open arms

with open arms

Usually an eight month courtship, at least three nights sleeping in the same bed, and eating Thanksgiving dinner with the family are signs of a serious and committed relationship. You would think these individuals were serious about one another and were heading down the road to the next level, i.e., either moving in together or marriage. At the very least, you would expect both parties to be in love with each other. For my current relationship, this is not the case. We enjoy each others company and are overall satisfied with one another. However, love is not a word I can use. Something is missing for me. He encompasses some of the major criteria I desire but not the ideal one. This one criterion is the one I truly seek in all my relationships and it seems to be non-existent. My current partner is sweet, thoughtful, funny, sexy, and overall a good time. He can adapt well to all my environments. We seem to fit with one another. However, it is just not there for me; or at least not wholly. I need this one criterion. The one I truly desire. I’ve seen it in some friends but only the first stage. If I find someone that can at least accommodate me through stage three, I’ll take him. Otherwise, I’ll keep searching. I won’t be content with settling. I have nothing to gain or lose by settling. Nothing in life is that important to me anymore but I feel as if I could share that one thing with someone I may be able to enjoy it just a little bit more. Of course, he’ll also have to have the others. I’m sorry but they all must fit. The puzzle won’t be complete without it. None will do without it. I think I had that once. Someone back when encompassed this special criterion. He also had a lot of the other ones. He seemed to fit well. However, it wasn’t there for me. Something didn’t click completely. I need the click. This clicking I need is somewhat of an unusual thing. I can’t move on with my work until the click is done. I don’t purchase items until the click. I don’t do many things until the click, clicks. It sometimes makes me feel as if I’m somehow slow or challenged. Why do I need this click to go off in my head? Let’s stay focused, back to my desired partner. Where is he (or she)? I can’t discriminate. It’s the qualities I desire. The qualities make my partner. Where is my partner? I sometimes think I feel my partner nearing. Something is telling me it is coming. Hopefully I won’t miss it. Its funny how you go through life, all confused and in a daze, and slowly the puzzle starts to fit. You pull your hair trying to figure it out and once you stop tugging that’s when the puzzle begins to make sense. I’m moving forward. My heart and body are throbbing. I’m guessing this means a good thing. I’m feeling nostalgic but not so much. Sometimes it feels empowering because I reminisce about my past loves and come to the realization that they suck and this list is exactly what I want. I await for you my partner. With open arms and love.

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did the sky mourn for the teacher as well?

did the sky mourn for the teacher as well?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Teach. Teach. Teach! I have a question for you. How is it that I can’t forget about you? Was it the way you wore your white Ts? Was it the blue-hooded sweatshirt you seemed to never take off? Your eyes were definitely dreamy and swimmable. With that smile of yours you could get away with murder. Did I enjoy our dinners out? Or did I enjoy cooking for you? Remember when I fell from running back and forth that day? It was the first time I had ever cooked for anyone. I cooked you a four course meal. I even conducted a pre-dinner date run. I was definitely nervous. It didn’t help that I was running in heels that day. Was your ghetto fab your most appealing quality? What was it about you that still has me hooked? Was it your fabulous duplex apartment in the heart of the West Village? I would totally love to have that apartment of yours. It was incredible, spacious, and most importantly your roommate was hardly ever there. Did our conversations attract me the most? I don’t think so. I don’t remember many quality ones. Ahhh…I spoke too soon. I do remember a particular one after I heard devastating news. You were nice about my situation; didn’t make me feel as stupid as I felt. Do you remember the Mets games we watched? I enjoyed that about you…the fact that you were a Mets fan. Remember Reservoir and the bowling alley? What was it about you that had me hooked? Was it that you were one of the last Americans I dated before heading across the pond? Something about you stuck with me. It stuck with me more than your resemblance to my friend Joe, which at first I could not get past. I enjoyed being with you. You were funny. You were a musician. The first musician I dated. I didn’t enjoy your casual, casual dress for everywhere we went. It was rather a turnoff. However, eventually I took a liking to it. How am I still hooked on you? It has been over two years now since we met and our whatever-you-want-to-call-it ended. It pained me to go away. I felt a connection with you. I don’t know what it was but it was something for me. You were one of the youngest guys I dated and yet you seemed mature for your age. You were well travelled. You spoke another language besides English. You enjoyed music. You enjoyed the classics. You enjoyed Motown hits. I enjoy Motown hits. We danced in your living room. The moment was spectacular. One weekend we were prisoners of your space. We did nothing but sleep, eat, and have sex. It was magical. When I stepped out of your place, I felt a cosmic shift. It was as if I was stepping into another realm. I was floating at your place and had stepped into some sort of heaven. Now that I’m walking down memory lane, I distinctly remember a disastrous moment. Do you know what I’m talking about? It was when you were really drunk. I met you after your concert, which I apologize yet again for missing most of it. We went with your friends to the local bar and had a few Stellas. The night eventually became a haze so we took a cab back to your place with your brother. In the hours between your passing out and your wake the next morning, the bed became heavily soiled. Soiled with urine I think. I can’t confirm with certainty but I’ve never peed in bed nor sweated so profusely as to wet an entire bed. Since there were only two of us there, I’m pretty sure the blame lies within you. Ahhh…good times? Eventually things between us became gray. I didn’t know what we were doing. I would’ve stayed in New York for you. You never asked. You wanted me to go and explore. I remember you telling me to keep in touch. I did but you didn’t. When I returned for the holidays, you were one of the only people I wanted to see. I saw you and slept with you. During the wee hours of the morning, I had to tinkle. While searching for my underoos, I spotted a brassiere. This D-cup brassiere was not mine. My little Bs don’t fit in such a massive bra. I didn’t expect for you to stay faithful to me or mourn me but I wanted some sort of residue of me in your heart. Did you even care? Did you even like me? At times it didn’t seem clear. Suffice it to say, I got the picture. I didn’t like the feeling that morning. I wanted out and I blamed jetlag for my need to scurry off at 6am. The morning walk of shame I think I’ve perfected. Never be too dressy when you go out and always carry flats, sunglasses, a hair tie, and a toothbrush and toothpaste in your bag. Now I remember the Fourth of July. You ignored me then. I remember it was a rainy Fourth of July. I had decided to “White trash” it and had gotten my six-pack, lawn chair, and headed up to the roof with my little Ipod player. It was a sad day. It was a rainy day. I listened to the soundtrack of Lily Allen. She was popular back when. It felt horrible that day to be me. I mourned for us as the skies mourned. I don’t know who cried more that day, the sky or me.

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remembering earl gray

remembering earl gray

Once I almost “fell in love.” I didn’t reach the deep stages of love but I definitely brushed up upon the first stage. It was the summer of 2004. His name was….Earl Gray. I had just broken up with my “fiancée” and I was definitely ready to mingle. We first met at the Mets game. His future brother-in-law was raising money for charity or had purchased tickets for charity. Hmmm….who knows…I can’t remember correctly. In any case, we met at a Mets game. He was there with his family and I was the guest of my friend (our mutual friend) and had brought along my niece and nephew. We didn’t really talk that day but we definitely noticed each other. After a few days or even a week or two, he invited our mutual friend to a party and she brought me along. I invited three of my friends to tag along as well. (Hmm…what’s with my bringing the entourage?) We all partied the night away. The crowd I hung out with those days was pretty wild so there was never a dull moment. After being there about an hour, Earl Gray and I still hadn’t “talked.” We had some flirtatious moments but definitely not a “moment.” Later on that night we danced. He looked extra hot close up. I looked really hot and thin those days. By the end of the night my friends and I were wasted…and we have the pictures to prove it. Hmmm…I don’t remember exactly what comes next but either we exchanged numbers that night or our friend gave it to him later on. Even though I was definitely drunk that night, I was smitten. Earl Gray was exactly what I asked for in a mate- tall, dark, and handsome. He had gorgeous eyes and an even sexier smile. His hair was awesome. He wore a black collared shirt with jeans that night. He looked cute. I can’t remember exactly how our first date went down…who asked who or the conversations that happened in between. All I can remember is that we ate dinner at Fiamma in SoHo. It was an awesome and very expensive place. Can’t remember what I wore but I know I ordered the chicken and a few glasses of either wine or some other lovely cocktail. I was drunk by the end of dinner. We somehow were at some bus stop in SoHo. He asked me back to his place. I think we caught the tail end of Gothika. We finally kissed at his place. It was sweet. Nothing happened past nice (very nice) kisses. At our next date he cooked dinner for me at his place. I know I looked rather conservative that night. I think I wore a black top. I remember the tomato basil appetizer. I brought the dessert. ;) It was a selection of little sweets from Vinero’s. We definitely had wine that night. I was definitely nervous and so was he. I know that early on I went to South Beach for a bachelorette party. During my time at SoBe, I meet a very cute and flirtatious Israel guy who I kissed. Earl Gray called me while I was down there. I was excited about him. When I landed at JFK, he was waiting at the gate for me. The entourage of girls just looked on with silly grins on their faces. I waved goodbye and got in his jeep. I was honest with him. I told him about the Israeli guy. Things were never quite easy with the two of us. He had former girlfriend issues and I just didn’t know what to do. He worked with his ex-girlfriend so there was no avoiding her. I was the dependable ear. This ex-girlfriend definitely put a strain on our relationship. The sex….was somewhat fun….I felt liberated. He allowed me free reign; he was game for whatever. I was so excited about that that I tried to imagine of anything and everything I could think of. Alas, the summer of love came to an end. We had broken up. After a few days of being broken up, we somehow got back together but kept it quiet. No one knew we had decided to start all over. Unfortunately, this is where things got complicated. Our mutual friend would tell him that I was seeing other people already, which wasn’t true. He would hear about this guy and the other. Eventually, we called it quits for good. Well…he did. Early one weekend morning…I knew it was coming. Something inside of me said it was. I sort of braced myself for it. From the beginning, I know things weren’t going to turn out well but I knew I had to experience what I did. Something inside of me said I had to do it and told me it was going to hurt. It did hurt. However, it also felt great. I felt a bit of it. I felt the love that people feel when they’re “in love.” After that relationship, I realized that my decision to end it with the fiancée was the correct choice. I did love my former fiancée but I wasn’t in love with him….that’s a major difference, a difference I learned with Earl Gray. Ooooo how the memories are flooding back. The museum conversation about the ex. The Queer Eye for the Single Man episodes. The L word episodes. The bloody mary at brunch conversation. The trips to his parent’s house. For a good long while I mourned Earl Gray. He was a part of me….even if it was just for a few months. I felt more connected with him emotionally than with my 3+ year relationship with the fiancée. I still on occasion mourn Earl Gray. On April 25, 2009, Earl Gray married another woman. Let’s call her Lady Gray. The wedding photos look nice and he looks happy. No one knows that I know the date and have seen the pictures but I do. One good thing to point out is that Earl Gray definitely doesn’t look the same. He is definitely starting to look his age or a lot older. Also, his metabolism sure as heck has slowed down. In any case, I wish Earl Gray tons of love and life. I’m glad he found his match. He deserves to be happy.

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om...om.....om....

om...om.....om....

Om. Om. Om. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in through the nose, see the air flow from your nostrils down to your lungs and then to the other parts of your body. Please repeat the procedure and don’t let the cramping of your legs bother you. If only I had an endless amount of time to meditate. I would wake up at 4:30 am and meditate for about an hour or two. When the buzzard rings 6:30 onward I go to my morning yoga practice. It’s 7:30 so I must head in the shower. 7:40 get out of the shower and dressed for work. Don’t forget to have breakfast. Finally 8:30 walk out of the door. If only things were like this. I would so love it. Once I would finish with work for the day, I would eat a hearty dinner with at least two servings of vegetables. Following my meal, I would rest for an hour with a good Buddhism book. It’s 8:00pm so it’s time for evening meditation. By 9:00pm I would be done and prepping for bed and the following day. 10pm means lights out. Ahhh…seems so serene.

…. Well that’s my dream.

The reality is that I’m slightly overwhelmed. I’ve decided to postpone my LSATs until June, which apparently is the optimal date to take the exam. I’ve decided to also postpone applications until 2011. However, I’ll still be getting my materials ready. Postponing the LSATs has meant lots of free time and definitely less stress. It’s really expensive to apply for law schools. Now I have more time to focus on my move. Yes I’m moving, again! It’s happening shortly! It was hectic trying to talk with my landlord about my options, looking for a new place, gathering application materials, coming up with the money at such a short notice, and meanwhile try to manage my current bills….and did I mention my sanity? Ugh! It’s been crazy. BUT once I settled on a new place, figured out the logistics to that, and decided to postpone the LSATs things just seemed to flow better. I took a few days off of work to just do nothing. All I really did was yoga. I did as minimal as possible and it was awesome. I still had to deal with little hiccups along the way- my current roommate, money situation, etc. I’m glad most things are resolved. Once I complete the move and things settle down, I’m hoping to continue with things (AKA life).

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