with open arms

Thursday, November 19, 2009

with open arms

Usually an eight month courtship, at least three nights sleeping in the same bed, and eating Thanksgiving dinner with the family are signs of a serious and committed relationship. You would think these individuals were serious about one another and were heading down the road to the next level, i.e., either moving in together or marriage. At the very least, you would expect both parties to be in love with each other. For my current relationship, this is not the case. We enjoy each others company and are overall satisfied with one another. However, love is not a word I can use. Something is missing for me. He encompasses some of the major criteria I desire but not the ideal one. This one criterion is the one I truly seek in all my relationships and it seems to be non-existent. My current partner is sweet, thoughtful, funny, sexy, and overall a good time. He can adapt well to all my environments. We seem to fit with one another. However, it is just not there for me; or at least not wholly. I need this one criterion. The one I truly desire. I’ve seen it in some friends but only the first stage. If I find someone that can at least accommodate me through stage three, I’ll take him. Otherwise, I’ll keep searching. I won’t be content with settling. I have nothing to gain or lose by settling. Nothing in life is that important to me anymore but I feel as if I could share that one thing with someone I may be able to enjoy it just a little bit more. Of course, he’ll also have to have the others. I’m sorry but they all must fit. The puzzle won’t be complete without it. None will do without it. I think I had that once. Someone back when encompassed this special criterion. He also had a lot of the other ones. He seemed to fit well. However, it wasn’t there for me. Something didn’t click completely. I need the click. This clicking I need is somewhat of an unusual thing. I can’t move on with my work until the click is done. I don’t purchase items until the click. I don’t do many things until the click, clicks. It sometimes makes me feel as if I’m somehow slow or challenged. Why do I need this click to go off in my head? Let’s stay focused, back to my desired partner. Where is he (or she)? I can’t discriminate. It’s the qualities I desire. The qualities make my partner. Where is my partner? I sometimes think I feel my partner nearing. Something is telling me it is coming. Hopefully I won’t miss it. Its funny how you go through life, all confused and in a daze, and slowly the puzzle starts to fit. You pull your hair trying to figure it out and once you stop tugging that’s when the puzzle begins to make sense. I’m moving forward. My heart and body are throbbing. I’m guessing this means a good thing. I’m feeling nostalgic but not so much. Sometimes it feels empowering because I reminisce about my past loves and come to the realization that they suck and this list is exactly what I want. I await for you my partner. With open arms and love.