bruised and battered

Thursday, December 17, 2009

bruised and battered

I’ve been beating myself up lately. Why? Well because I feel like it. I feel like crap and it shows in the exterior. My face resembles a pepperoni pizza, again. For about a week or so, my eyes were in poor health and I couldn’t wear contacts. Hooded sweatshirts are the preferred outfit for every day of the week. Tardiness is a big word in my vocabulary. The apartment is a shit hole. It’s dusty and dirty. I’ve got the funk. I’ve got it bad. Perhaps happiness is just an illusion- a cruel joke like the American dream. Laughter is all that remains of me, and I seldom see it these days. Why? Why do I continue to battle this epic battle? Why can’t I just be content and happy? Either there is something better or I’m comparing myself with others or myself. Nothing seems to be OK and everything seems a distant memory. I’ve slacked. I’ve slacked badly. How do I get out of this? I hate this frumpy, dumpy mood. I want to finally make a reality of this image I have of myself. This strong, successful, powerful, and caring individual whose get it all going on for her. It’s not like I don’t encompass some of the qualities, I just feel that perhaps I can develop them just a tad more. Gosh! I feel like crap. My muffin top is slowly becoming a muffin roll. I’m even developing a top roll. How and when did I let it get this bad? I need help. An intervention. Salvation or a miracle, I’ll take either or both. I need help.