a wagging tail

Monday, April 19, 2010

a wagging tail

I narrowly escaped the volcanic eruption over Iceland. I’m very thankful that my flight was two days before the volcano erupted. Unfortunately, not many people can say the same. As thousands continue to be stranded, the world is more or less at a stand still with Mother Nature. Although my flight across the Atlantic was successful, a flight for the Polish president (Mr Lech Kaczynski), the first lady (Mrs Maria Kaczynska), and others didn’t have such a happy ending. As Poland mourns for its leader, many around the world continue to live their lives undisturbed. I’m not saying that we should stop living our lives for someone’s death but a little more respect should definitely be given. What I find most surreal about this unfortunate situation is that I haven’t heard much about it. When Michael Jackson, a mere pop icon, passed away, the world stood still. Isn’t that sad? I think it is. The world stops for a singer but not for country’s leader. I can’t comment on the President’s leadership but regardless the world should show more respect. Or so I think.

My stress levels keep rising. I’m anxious and stressed. I’m stressed over my unsuccessful dog adoption procedure. I never thought it would take this long to adopt a dog or find the right one. Being the dog lover that I am I would take any dog but the behaviorists don’t agree. They want to find a good match for the dog, which I am very grateful for. These people take the time to get it right. Unfortunately, their match finding criteria mean I have to keep searching and searching. I cried last night. I took a trip to the humane society and the ASPCA and saw two possible dogs. When I asked to meet with them, they behaviorist said they weren’t good matches for me. One didn’t belong in the city and the other one howled too much for apartment living. I submitted applications for fostering and I have three dogs to check out before I stop being so active in the search. This dog search is draining. If I were to be on the Suze Orman show she would tell me I can’t even afford a dog so why am I even looking. I know I can’t afford things with credit card debt but if I wait for the credit card debt to be zero I’ll have lived a very boring life. I understand the need to fix finances but at what cost? My sanity? My life? I can honestly tell you that I’d be too stressed worried about getting the right numbers. I was stressed about getting the right numbers. I stopped living to make it right. I STOPPED LIVING TO MAKE THE NUMBERS RIGHT. Is that what it’s all about? Cutting back so much that I end up becoming a shut in with the lights off and the TV off all in efforts to save money and get on the black of things? I’m sorry. I’ve been doing that and it only depresses me more. I’d rather live my life than try every second to be in black. Clearly I’m angry today. I’m disappointed today. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling beaten. BUT good news, I have defense mechanisms that always make me “fix myself”. I always end up looking at what I can “fix” in myself so that I won’t feel so bad. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it technically is a good avenue- better than sinking to drugs and alcohol; but it’s a curse because I don’t deal with things properly. Oh well.