another failure

another failure

God I feel like such a failure. How have I even made it this far in life? Really, I need someone to explain this to me? Apparently I am just completely fooling myself about my own potentials. Earlier this afternoon I had a sit-down with my tutor and he totally handed me a laundry list of my failures as a student. Per his records, I failed my first exam. All I could remember walking out of that exam room was how great I thought it went. I was so sure I was going to get a very high mark. The worse I thought possible was that I would get a B-, but nope, he said I failed it! How the heck?! So now I am not too sure about the exam I took yesterday. God…everything I have done for this course has been a failure. Besides getting in, I have no idea how I am still in the program. After I left his office, I felt like even more of a failure. God everything just mounts up. Here I am thinking that I am all right for having accomplished so much. I sometimes get people telling me how great they believe I’m doing. I barely made it home without falling to the floor in tears. All I could think about was ways to prove him wrong. He even suggested I hold off applying to any programs until I finish my thesis. Apparently, from the looks of my record, I am not a very academic individual, which is odd to me because that was something I did better in. I guess I was just fooling myself. ….I’m just sitting her, sobbing my damn eyeballs out, and all I can think of is comparing myself to others. How they all seem to get it and get good marks. They all just seem to know how the program of life forms. Although I do see them at their weakest sometimes, they just seem to know how everything just works. Yes, their life may look all that great from the outside, but still be rotten in the inside, but it sure looks a whole lot better than my inside. WHY?!!! Why do I even bother to continue? I thought I was doing so well but I’m not. I guess I was just suppressing everything and pretending it was ok. Ironically enough, all I want to do is prove everyone wrong. Have an amazing life and show them that I can make it to wherever I want to, besides their disapproval.

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limps, exams, and East

limps, exams, and East

Boo-yah! I totally kicked ass in my exam this morning. Although it took me a while, about fifteen minutes worth, I totally came from behind left field to win the pendant. My hand is in pain now, but it is so worth it because I am so getting an A+….ok, I’ll be slightly modest, A! I’m fantabulous. That exam was a sure fire A for me, I don’t care about the different grading systems, I gave it my all and that paper was awesome. It may have been flawed here or there, but still it won’t deter from my A.

*****

In other news, I am almost done with this thesis, not the actual book I have to hand in, but the coursework; only my presentation and essay left. It seems surreal, but I really can’t wait to get started on my next stage in life, whatever that is. What I do know is that I’ll be joining a kibbutz in Israel this summer. I am so excited to be going to the Middle East, hopefully I will make it back in one peace. Traveling to such religious historic places will be sure to bring about me some spiritual inspirations. One of my main goals is to have a better spiritual understanding, besides having an amazing time. Who knows what lies ahead of me, all I know is that I am ready to embrace it—limping and all.

And, in other, other news, I’m limping. Due to some strenuous running, I’ve been limping for about three days now. Today feels a whole lot better than yesterday but the pain is still there. Looks like my marathon training sessions will have to take a back seat to my recovery. I actually received an email regarding early entry opportunities for the London marathon and am contemplating signing up. I really want to do the New York marathon, but who knows, perhaps the London one could be a warm up. I need more medals, DAMMIT!

Well peace in the Middle East for now. Outtie 5000.

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April showers

April showers

Saturdays can sometimes be fun days, especially when it rains all day long. Well, I’m pretty sure not many will agree with me on that one, but I love it when it rains because it just makes you reflect. Earlier today, when it hailed, it looked so beautiful outside. The streets were all empty and the ice produced such lovely melodies on my window sill. I, practicing my good hygiene, decided to floss while looking at the passersby and the traffic. Moments like these are precious. The whole entire time, while I was flossing, I was just wondering how many people out there could notice me flossing and what they would think of this crazy person flossing in front of the window. Ha. As the day progressed and the torrential downpours started, I couldn’t wait to go outside. I put on my galoshes and headed out into the world. Feeling mildly optimistic, I was excited to know that I had a place to be. I was even more excited to arrive early to take a look at this book that was loaned to me. It seems like it may be able to put certain things in perspective for me. When I arrived at my destination, I felt all gleeful knowing that others were already there and others were slowly trickling in. It was great to feel people’s auras. Throughout the meeting, I just became happier as the minutes passed. For some reason, I was super. I felt empowered. I felt like I finally had some purpose in life. I couldn’t wait to get started on my goals. When the meeting ended, I stayed behind to help out and chat with others. It felt good to know that certain people were OK. In a way, I felt like a motivational speaker because I told this woman to scream and shout if she wanted to. She was entitled to her feelings and I let her know so. When I left, I stopped by the local grocery because I was parched. Stopped into a stationer and purchased my third flash drive ever; I just keep losing those suckers. As I went along, I stopped in this kitchen store and fell in love with some flatware and dishware. When I exited the store I noticed a rather familiar individual. An individual that I assumed was far gone by the time I left the meeting. Pleasantly surprised, he didn’t attempt to interact with me. It is not that I don’t like him, it’s just that he creeps me out. Often, instead of walking home, I take the bus because I am afraid he may follow me one day. When I noticed we were walking in the same direction, I quickly turned a corner. I definitely didn’t want to bump into him and have him attempt anything. I tried my hardest to lose him. Yes, a wee bit psychotic of me, but so worth it. Now I know why I totally need 24 hour security service. The dude looks like such a stalkerazzi. Eventually I know he’ll talk to me but until then I am safe. Feeling all empowered for the next half hour, I started reading the book my friend loaned me. Unfortunately, when I got home, I couldn’t stop eating. I started losing my motivation and eventually took a nap. Hopefully the jolt from this Red Bull will give me the strength I need to recover some of my lost day.

On a totally unrelated subject, a friend of mine will be visiting in about three weeks time. I honestly don’t know how this little visit will pan out. Generally I get tired of him within the first few hours. Since he’ll be staying with me, I’ll have to experience all his good and bad qualities for a whole week. I am hoping to maintain my serenity and joy while he is in town. Often when he is near or when I speak to him, I just tend to revert to evil ways of thinking and acting. I really don’t want to do it, but he has wonderful ways of getting it out of me. Unfortunately, he has also perfected his ways of manipulating me. I am hoping to stay strong while he is in town. God help me.

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seeking serenity and humility

seeking serenity and humility

So the major breakdown, or meltdown for me, is that my roommate got engaged. Although I should be happy for her and wishing her well, I just can’t seem to muster it up in me. One minute she is my sweet little girl on the best path to life and then all of a sudden she took a dead-end detour. She showed such promise. Why can’t I be happy for her? She is finally happy and I can’t seem to be happy for her. Her parents seem OK with him now, although they did hold some initial reservations about him. Why? WHY? WHY?! Is it this hard for me to be happy for her? I can be excited over the minutest thing, but this big part of her life, I can’t. This worrisome (I can’t believe it) feeling has to be something deep within me. Certain couples I can be extremely happy for while others just seem so dead wrong for me. I’m not saying that hers is a dead wrong relationship, but I wanted more for her. God, I am sounding like her parents would be sounding. What I need to do is stop projecting my needs and wants onto others. If people are happy with what they have, I should just let it go. It is none of my business if it doesn’t please me or not. If they are happy, it should be all that matters.

So, I guess I should proceed onward to discovering why I feel such anguish. While I was reading her email, I did have this nasty gut feeling about the picture staring at me. Part of me was like NO, NO, NO for her, and the other part was like nice nails. Weirdly enough, I felt the presence of my inner me. (Who, by the way, reminds me of Kenny from South Park.) It was like having two heads. One was like NO for her, and the other one was reminding me of what I wanted. It may be superficial of me, but I want the grandeur that I see in the movies about romance with the reality of sitcoms. Looking at this whole situation, I guess I do want to eventually fall for someone. Actually, I think it has even brought out of me one of my personality traits, ambition. I didn’t think I was that ambitious but I guess I am. In the environment I grew up in, I think it is hard not to be ambitious or at least have inkling for it. Hmm…ironically enough, I think this whole situation has put my life in some much needed prospective. I want certain things in life. I want to own my own apartment, preferably a loft but I can settle with whatever. I also want the steady and successful career that I can be damned proud of achieving on my own hardworking merits. Once I can achieve financial and home security, I know some of my fears will go away. Money isn’t everything, and the riches I wanted before are not there. I am more than content being a hardworking upper middle class person, ☺. If I am blessed with a child or two (by either surrogate, adoption or my own biology), I want to provide them with the best I can. My family tried it with me and I am so grateful and proud of it. All this anguish I feel really comes down to me and my needs and wants. I shouldn’t be projecting them onto others. Yes, I am pretty sure my mother and some part in this as well, but I can’t continue to blame her with everything for the rest of my life. Eventually one day I have to move on whether I want to or not.


Oh….did I mention? My ex is also getting married. How is that for another jaunt my way? The gods that be should show me my path soon or else I may just think I’m destined to be in constant anguish, paranoia, and fear. Seeking serenity. Seeking serenity and humility. Seeking serenity, humility, and world peace.

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happy April fools!

happy April fools!

Sacrosanct: Sacred. The meaning of that damn word was driving me insane this morning. I had an inclining on what it meant, but couldn’t remember its exact definition. Good thing for electronic dictionaries.

So, two weeks ago I finished my coursework for my masters. Now all I have left to do is an exam, essay, the thesis presentation, and then the thesis. It is so cliché but here it goes: “Time went by so fast.” Don’t get me wrong, I am all excited for this being over. It wasn’t the exact experience I had hoped for, but it was an experience nonetheless. I guess I am finally ready to move on with my life; see where my next journey is. For now, I know that school isn’t such a hot topic any more. I may consider a phd or law school in the future, but for now I think I just need to work and pretend to be an adult. I always thought it was horrible to be an adult, but they have money. I miss money. I am not starving or anything like that, it just would be nice to be able to go on a little shopping spree or perhaps on a partying spree. Life can get boring when you have no money. It is not all bad, but it does feel like you are missing out. Hmm interestingly enough I feel like I am missing from action. It sort of feels like I have been easing my way into adulthood because I am scared to face everything all at once. Who knows, perhaps I just was too chicken shit. I want a life again. I want responsibilities- some not all. I want to date again.

Ugh! Unfortunately, I think it is time for me to get back on that horse soon. I did date an interesting lad around December/January, but ended before it even started. My main thing with dating is that I don’t feel adequate enough of a mate to date. The people I date are all secure with themselves and their persona in society. I, however, fight everything. Even though it may be an easy task, I just want to fight it all the way. I need the drama. So, here I am…alone. An independent person, soon to be awarded a masters and have no job. Although I want to be with someone (I guess), I also want to establish myself before I do. I sort of gave myself a little break from it all. I still party, but won’t try to find Mr. Right at every corner. As of this moment, I am going to finish whatever is left of my coursework, try to get a job, and then possibly start dating again. I am estimating about a month and a half. Not to start dating, but to finish all I have to before I can embrace other ideas. Who knows where my life will end up. All I know is that being over here, although not the greatest, it isn’t the worst. I still have a lot of growing up and I want to try to find a little bit more of myself before I start advertising to “prospective mates”- this is what studying human behavioral ecology does to you. Everything is seen as a way to maximize reproductive success.

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