another failure

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

another failure

God I feel like such a failure. How have I even made it this far in life? Really, I need someone to explain this to me? Apparently I am just completely fooling myself about my own potentials. Earlier this afternoon I had a sit-down with my tutor and he totally handed me a laundry list of my failures as a student. Per his records, I failed my first exam. All I could remember walking out of that exam room was how great I thought it went. I was so sure I was going to get a very high mark. The worse I thought possible was that I would get a B-, but nope, he said I failed it! How the heck?! So now I am not too sure about the exam I took yesterday. God…everything I have done for this course has been a failure. Besides getting in, I have no idea how I am still in the program. After I left his office, I felt like even more of a failure. God everything just mounts up. Here I am thinking that I am all right for having accomplished so much. I sometimes get people telling me how great they believe I’m doing. I barely made it home without falling to the floor in tears. All I could think about was ways to prove him wrong. He even suggested I hold off applying to any programs until I finish my thesis. Apparently, from the looks of my record, I am not a very academic individual, which is odd to me because that was something I did better in. I guess I was just fooling myself. ….I’m just sitting her, sobbing my damn eyeballs out, and all I can think of is comparing myself to others. How they all seem to get it and get good marks. They all just seem to know how the program of life forms. Although I do see them at their weakest sometimes, they just seem to know how everything just works. Yes, their life may look all that great from the outside, but still be rotten in the inside, but it sure looks a whole lot better than my inside. WHY?!!! Why do I even bother to continue? I thought I was doing so well but I’m not. I guess I was just suppressing everything and pretending it was ok. Ironically enough, all I want to do is prove everyone wrong. Have an amazing life and show them that I can make it to wherever I want to, besides their disapproval.