seeking serenity and humility

Friday, April 11, 2008

seeking serenity and humility

So the major breakdown, or meltdown for me, is that my roommate got engaged. Although I should be happy for her and wishing her well, I just can’t seem to muster it up in me. One minute she is my sweet little girl on the best path to life and then all of a sudden she took a dead-end detour. She showed such promise. Why can’t I be happy for her? She is finally happy and I can’t seem to be happy for her. Her parents seem OK with him now, although they did hold some initial reservations about him. Why? WHY? WHY?! Is it this hard for me to be happy for her? I can be excited over the minutest thing, but this big part of her life, I can’t. This worrisome (I can’t believe it) feeling has to be something deep within me. Certain couples I can be extremely happy for while others just seem so dead wrong for me. I’m not saying that hers is a dead wrong relationship, but I wanted more for her. God, I am sounding like her parents would be sounding. What I need to do is stop projecting my needs and wants onto others. If people are happy with what they have, I should just let it go. It is none of my business if it doesn’t please me or not. If they are happy, it should be all that matters.

So, I guess I should proceed onward to discovering why I feel such anguish. While I was reading her email, I did have this nasty gut feeling about the picture staring at me. Part of me was like NO, NO, NO for her, and the other part was like nice nails. Weirdly enough, I felt the presence of my inner me. (Who, by the way, reminds me of Kenny from South Park.) It was like having two heads. One was like NO for her, and the other one was reminding me of what I wanted. It may be superficial of me, but I want the grandeur that I see in the movies about romance with the reality of sitcoms. Looking at this whole situation, I guess I do want to eventually fall for someone. Actually, I think it has even brought out of me one of my personality traits, ambition. I didn’t think I was that ambitious but I guess I am. In the environment I grew up in, I think it is hard not to be ambitious or at least have inkling for it. Hmm…ironically enough, I think this whole situation has put my life in some much needed prospective. I want certain things in life. I want to own my own apartment, preferably a loft but I can settle with whatever. I also want the steady and successful career that I can be damned proud of achieving on my own hardworking merits. Once I can achieve financial and home security, I know some of my fears will go away. Money isn’t everything, and the riches I wanted before are not there. I am more than content being a hardworking upper middle class person, ☺. If I am blessed with a child or two (by either surrogate, adoption or my own biology), I want to provide them with the best I can. My family tried it with me and I am so grateful and proud of it. All this anguish I feel really comes down to me and my needs and wants. I shouldn’t be projecting them onto others. Yes, I am pretty sure my mother and some part in this as well, but I can’t continue to blame her with everything for the rest of my life. Eventually one day I have to move on whether I want to or not.


Oh….did I mention? My ex is also getting married. How is that for another jaunt my way? The gods that be should show me my path soon or else I may just think I’m destined to be in constant anguish, paranoia, and fear. Seeking serenity. Seeking serenity and humility. Seeking serenity, humility, and world peace.