pillows, blankets, and slippers


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If only my desk was a giant marshmallow pillow.  I am so, so, SO exhausted! I know going to be pretty late has something to do with it but I think it’s something else. I’ve been noticing that from about 10-11 I get really tired. By the time it turns 11am, I’m rushing out of the door for fresh air. Perhaps I should just take a walk around the block. Oh gosh, if only my desk was a giant marshmallow pillow and I could sleep here without anyone saying something.

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on withdrawal


As I am no longer an athletic, burgeoning teenager with loads of aspirations, I’ve decided to clean up my act. My friend asked me about a year ago what does the woman of my dreams look like, and I replied with a laundry list of things of what she looks like, what she does for a living, and how she acts. After I gave her my reply, she asked me to start acting as if I am already her. For a while I thought she was just bonkers. I was already into my negative thinking with: “Oh, I have no money for this and that.” Well, enough is enough. I’ve decided to truly “act as if.” I mean what do I have to lose? At this point in life I’m really dissatisfied with a lot of things and half the time I don’t know why I’m still here. I feel as if I have no one to challenge me. As if I have to continually challenge myself because that’s the only way I’ll truly have fun or feel like I’m here for a reason. Not many people care about what I do or don’t. They are off living their lives to the best of their abilities. Well…if I have to challenge myself and play games with myself to one up me than I think I should go for it. So…………the plan or just the challenge is to be overall healthy and to emulate the woman I want to be. So here goes my new awakening (seems like I have lot of these, right?).

Nutrition-
I miss hot dogs, burgers, pizza, burritos, Chinese food take out, candy, chocolates, etc. I’ve been weaning in good foods like wheat, fiber, and protein in my diet but very slowly. These past two days I’ve kicked it up a notch, and I’m in some serious withdrawal. I want chunk food.  To put me on the right track, I’ve called up a nutritionist and hopefully she could provide me with much needed guidance.

Home-
My ideal woman lives in a gorgeous apartment that I’ve already furnished in my head. About a few months back I found dinnerware that matches with her kitchen. This past Saturday, after much deliberation, I bought a few items from the set. Unfortunately, I don’t have her bank account yet. I’m still on my wee bee one.


So as the saying goes, easy does it.

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almost done

Thanksgiving and Christmas have passed and now all that is left is New Year’s Eve. Who knows where I’ll be but by golly gee it won’t be in some overpriced club. Gosh I can’t believe they charge people 200 dollars just to get into the door. I mean it’s a good thing drinks are included but still I don’t usually spend 200 dollars a night on drinks.

So we have an out of town friend staying with us for the week. He seems pleasant enough but who knows where we’ll be in a few days time. Alls I know is that I’m going to do what I need to do to survive. He really isn’t my friend so I don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate him. My out of town guests come in February so until then I have all the time in the world to prepare for their arrival.

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grateful

I am so grateful that today has turned out to be one of the most relaxing and serene days I’ve had. Early morning yoga at 7am, great relaxing shower with music, arriving to work early, healthy breakfast, afternoon meditation, healthy and hearty lunch, fun and exciting dating blog reading, and not to mention, a very productive work day.

I am so grateful for: my life; my health, having money to buy food; the ability and motivation to go to the gym; my motivation to persevere in life; my job; friends; family; my beautiful city that is NYC; the grungy things that make up my beautiful city.

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the leaf has been turned

Only by the grace of God did I wake up this morning around 6 to make my 7am yoga class. Although the yoga class wasn’t as intensive as I expected, it was pretty nice to have a small class and an empty gym. Showering to some Christmas jazz was also a fabulous way to start the morning off right. However, getting splashed with dirty rain water by a speeding car is definitely not a great start. Just like the water rolled off me so did the negative attitudes that the event normally brings. Even more shockingly to my wonderful morning is that I arrived at work early! Not 15 minutes late but early. I made myself some hot oatmeal and had a banana and tea for a beverage. All in all, I would say I’m having a rather peaceful and productive morning. To turn matters to somewhat of a sour note, I’ve gained weight, dramatically. In the past two to three months, I’ve gained about 10 pounds. I weigh almost as much as my pregnant friend, who is 8 months pregnant. My body definitely shows signs of weight increase through the newly formed stretch marks and my protruding belly and buttocks. Of course, now my clothes don’t fit. I find myself having to wear skirts a lot more often because my jeans will not button. Slowly though I’m starting to get to the right frame of mind. I signed up for the gym last Thursday and so far have only missed two days. The first night I signed up I decided to go for a little 20 minute run and low and behold I hurt myself because I didn’t stretch. My leg is still in pain but it’s getting a whole lot better.

On the academic front, I finally checked my grades and I did indeed pass my dissertation. Not by much but I passed. Considering that the word count was half of what it should’ve been and that I totally half-assed the discussion session, I am definitely grateful. Also, I finally saw the grades for my other class and overall not bad. They are not my usual grades but considering that it was a totally different education system than the one I’m accustomed to I would say I did pretty ok.

Seeing as I half-ass everything in my life. I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. My half-assing days are over. I’m going to try my best at things. I’m going to finally chase my dream of having my PhD. I’m going to start my own research firm. I’m going to live the lifestyle I’ve always wanted to. As for the significant other, that will come in time. For now I’m too self conscious to chase anyone. I need to heal inside and now outside as well.

So…Namaste…peace to you all.

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pumping iron

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling very down and out. I was not satisfied with my body and my stress levels were through the roof. So I decided that it was best to join a gym once again. After being treated horribly by both New York Sports Club and Crunch (for the second time), I decided to go with New York Health and Racquet Club. They even gave me a free smoothie for signing up, which I’m positive, was not one of the bonuses for joining. The staff was really friendly and the facilities are great. An interesting bonus I found when signing up was that there were no one price for one gym and another price for having access to all the gyms. The one price covered it all. Although the gym that’s across the street from my house does not have a steam room, which I adore, it does have a boulder rock and a whirlpool. The other locations all have pools and steam rooms I can def. use. The only concern I truly have is the monthly fee, which is a bit steep for me, but considering what I would be getting, nice staff, great equipment, pool, whirlpool, bouldering rock, I think it’s worth it. I would definitely pay more for a place I feel truly comfortable in than a place I despise with rude staff and a fee for using their towels.

In other news, I’m hoping that by signing up to the gym and getting in regular exercise I can let go of some stress and excess poundage. I must admit that I am still bored, lost, and so apathetic about a lot of things. My days still consist of just going to work and coming back home but I’m hoping that I can soon change that.

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where it hurts

Ugh! I feel horrible! Why won’t these negative feelings go away? I’ve been frustrated, disappointed, and all the negative these past two days. I wish they would just make a magic pill so that all these feelings would just go away.

Things I’m irritated at:
My roommates- they are disgusting
Myself- for feeling this way and various other reasons
Life- because who else can you really blame but life

I’ve been trying to write down my feelings to see if that helps reduce it but it doesn’t. Running sometimes is out of the question bc I don’t have a good time to run. I’ve attempted to do it before work but it’s too dark; after work is also too dark. Ugh! What am I going to do with myself? I’m dissatisfied with everything and everyone. It’s like someone turned on my bitch switch.

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insecure

Procrastination- why do I do it?

Hello. My name is &(*(U()*)((*. I am a chronic procrastinator. I procrastinate because I feel unable to do a task. I feel as if I will automatically get a negative outcome. My self worth diminishes when I’m faced with any task. My train of thought is usually that I am stupid, incompetent, and not capable enough to pull something off. I’m insecure about my work output. I constantly believe that my work is not good enough. I feel as if others do a better job of things than I do. Besides others being better than me, I feel as if it takes me twice and sometimes three times as long to get something, which in turn makes me feel even more incompetent. I am not a perfectionist. Most of my things are in chaos. Although in the surface they may look as if they are neatly put away, when you open a drawer or closet door you’ll be able to see the dysfunction that is my life. It is exactly how I portray myself to the world. I may seem independent and fully capable to do many things but in the inside I don’t feel as capable. I sometimes don’t feel as if I can truly make it. Whenever I decide to do something it is usually after I’ve had an epic battle with myself. Part of me thinks I can’t do anything or really amount to much and the other part of me feels that the presidency is looming in 15 years. I’m in a constant state of battle with my negative thoughts. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed because I wait until the last minute to do things. I wait until the last minute to do things because I feel incompetent. I feel incompetent because I compare myself to others and see how quickly they pick up things. I don’t pick up things as quickly as others because my head is somewhere else. My head is somewhere else because I sometimes find things boring and not entertaining. I find things boring and unentertaining because I feel as if I know better or I don’t agree with them. I feel as if I know better because I am not as open minded as I think I am. I like patterns, which are sometimes OCD in nature. I like patterns because it means I know what’s going to come next. I like to know what’s going to happen next. I feel unsafe if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I look at things from all angles to make sure I know what’s going to happen next.

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enrolling at Harvard for fall 2010



So the results for my dissertation are out and I am terrified to check them. For one, I’m really afraid I failed. As my supervisor said, failing the dissertation means failing too much. So in a way I want to keep the mystery and the hope that I passed. I guess I just want to be oblivious to the outcome for as much as I can. I know eventually I’ll have to find out but for now I just want to keep the illusion that I possibly passed. In any case, I’m moving on. Whether the results are positive or negative, I’m moving on and I won’t let it stop me from realizing the only dream I’ve ever had of obtaining my PhD. So…….I’ve been requesting application packs and prospectus from several schools. I’m even contemplating applying to Harvard. Hey…what do I have to lose at this point? The application fee? A bit of dignity? Who knows, I may even get in and get a second chance. Quite honestly at this point I could care less if I get in as a minority student. I know plenty of people who’ve used unconventional ways to get into grad school. I’m shooting for fall 2010. I figured it would give me enough time to make me a desirable candidate. Hey. The first time was a bust, the second time was a win, and who knows what the third time will bring. See you in the fall of 2010 Harvard!


Now the only thing I have to decide is how to properly apply to both the PhD and JD programs.

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self worth, is it worth it and what is it?

Do you know what self worth means? I have somewhat of a vague idea of what it is but to truly give you a proper definition I am completely lost. I always took self worth to mean exactly what the two words stood for. Self- yourself and your view; worth- value….you put them together you have self value, how you value yourself, what you think of your self. It such a simple concept but so many have trouble identifying it in them, including myself. Last night a friend asked me about self worth and I was completely clueless; I did not know how to answer her. I always thought I had somewhat of an idea of my worth but I never defined it, not even to myself. I felt sort of foolish. I felt as if I was hit with the duh stick. Something so simple and yet I can’t properly define it for myself. What is my self worth? I don’t know. “I don’t know” is a horrible answer to things. She makes me realize that saying “I don’t know” means you are not trying to answer the question. It is almost as if you don’t care enough to attempt to answer it. I mean it is completely ok to not know something, but at least an attempted answer is good. So, back to self worth, let’s see what the dictionaries say.

Wiki-In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth

Random site-
Self-worth is frequently based on our feelings of worth in terms of our skills, achievements, status, financial resources, or physical attributes. This kind of self-esteem or self-worth often cultivates an independent and arrogant attitude. When we find ourselves not measuring up to society’s criteria for worth, we suffer serious consequences. Our self-worth depreciates dramatically. The illusion of being successful and admired gives way to disillusionment as our possessions and achievements that once nourished our souls fail to satisfy our appetites. Every individual experiences basic needs -- hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc. We are conditioned to satisfy these needs by getting something -- food, drink, or rest. Mistakenly we conclude that by getting, we will achieve an acceptable self-worth/esteem.

Nothing depreciates self-worth faster than regret, anger, or fear. For four years, Kelly worked in sales. If she achieved her monthly quota and bonuses, her self-worth soared with her supervisor’s praise. Like a barometer, her self-worth plummeted as she received criticism during non-productive cycles.

One day Kelly marched into work, carrying a large box. One by one she placed pictures of her family and cards from friends as positive reminders. She renewed her self-worth by considering ways she could give something personal to each client or co-worker -- a word of encouragement, a sympathetic ear, or a prayer for their circumstances. “In the beginning, I felt like such a failure when not getting sales that I practiced self-depreciation. But after I dedicated myself to giving not getting, I had an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. It was as if I was losing the ability to worry!”

There is a great example of this in the Bible. The apostle Paul “learned the secret of living in every situation” (Philippians 4:11-13). Self-esteem is an attitude of respect for and contentment with oneself based on the recognition of one’s abilities and acceptance of one’s limitations.

self-worth Definition
self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)
noun
one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself


Based on the definitions above, I did have a pretty good clue of what it was- or at least its definition. However, do I live or have it. To an extent I think I do. I mean who doesn’t want to achieve things. I know I do. Yes society pressures you to do great and punishes you when you fail. I guess the main purpose of self worth is valuing oneself as an individual without the external. Successes or failures shouldn’t define who you are as a human being. It’s tough to acknowledge but it’s true. SO the big question at hand. WHO AM I AS A HUMAN BEING? As part of the human race, I know I have value as soon as I am conceived. But what else do I want for myself? Regardless of successes or failures, what makes me happy and makes me feel whole? I don’t know. I guess will have to find out together.

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so tired

I think I slept way too many hours last night. I’ve been exhausted the whole entire day. I can barely stay up; not to mention that the office is almost empty and that those that are here barely make any noise. Sometimes I wish my job was more entertaining. Perhaps screaming matches on the phone or pranks set by other coworkers. Hmph…if only.

Besides the astronomically boring work day I’ve had, I must say that my week has been rather productive. I’ve managed to keep busy until at least 10 each night. Running around from workshop or class; it’s fun but a bit exhausting and I barely get to catch up on my Gossip Girl.

OH GOD…not even writing helps me. This is serious. If only coffee worked for me.

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tuesdays

Tardiness is not next to godliness, or so I’ve been told. Lately I just can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I need to develop better time management skills.

Here I go again. Sit in my little swivel chair, type in this little notebook, have meaningless small talk with my neighbor, and of course pray to god I can manage to stay awake and focused for eight hours. Is not that I don’t appreciate or like my job, it’s just that I would like to do something that pays better. My student loans aren’t going to pay themselves on a minimum wage job. Who knows what kind of person or where I’ll be in a few months time; I just hope that I am slightly happier than I am now. I want my life to be more meaningful. I want to wake up everyday excited to go outside and interact with the world- however cruel or nice it may be that day. When I come home, I want it to be welcoming, cozy, and chic. There’s a lot of wants in those last few sentences. I honestly don’t think that those wants are too ostentatious to have. In general all I need is a roof, a bed, food, and an activity for the day. Eh who knows…. Perhaps something will sparkle inside of me.

I should get back to the basics, think somewhat practical, and stop being a gypsy as my friend calls me.

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where's my life jacket?

Merely a year ago I was completely debt-free, minus the credit card bill that was more than manageable. However, this Christmas I sing another tune, the tune of debt. After taking out massive student loans, I am trying my hardest to keep afloat. I’m managing if only by the grace of god but I need to remove myself from all this heavy debt. Thus far I have two massive debts: my student loans and my credit card bill. The student loan I know I’ll have with me for years so I’m sort of ok with that if that’s the only big bill I have. The credit card debt is still somewhat manageable but once the second student loan repayment kicks in it will probably become a burden. Besides those debts, I have two that I truly want to get out of the way immediately. One is the security deposit return for my former roommate. Since she vacated the apartment and left it for me, I was supposed to give her the security deposit she put down. I truly want to give her the security because she, too, is struggling and is soon expecting a little one in January….hence why I want to give her the cash she needs before than. She’s been really great to me and I truly appreciate that. On top of her generosity throughout our living together, she has not once pressured me for her money back and I’ve been living in the apartment since September. The other debt that I truly want to rectify is the security deposit of my current roommate/friend that I had to sort of use. When I moved back I was completely and I mean completely broke. The first paycheck didn’t come soon enough and of course it wasn’t enough to cover the mounting money I had to dish out. Once I’m done with both of these, I really only have my regular monthly bills: rent, phone, utility, etc. It seems really stressful and it is but hopefully I’ll learn to cope and gain some much needed serenity now.

As a form of cheap entertainment and to reduce some stress, I joined a meditation group. Last night was my first class and I loved it. It wasn’t pretentious or anything like that it was just some good old, straight forward meditation. We meditate for 45 minutes, shared what we experienced, and finished off with some metta meditation.

Inner thoughts- This is so stressful. I’m feeling overwhelmed with debt and with life. I need help. Perhaps that Cigna stress management program will work. Ha. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. I just need to take it easy and slowly.

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swimming my way through



The United States of America has its first biracial (yes, not solely black) president in its 200 plus years of existence. Gosh…it took over 200 plus years for the first, not fully white, male president to be elected. Should I be holding my breathe 200 plus more years for the first woman president or merely 80? Well all and all I’m pretty OK with the decision made. I can’t complain much, after all this country is in the shitter anyway. Let’s see what he does.

As for my own life, its there. The heart is ticking, the lungs are inhaling and exhaling, and my brain is semi-functioning half of the time. What can I say other than I feel like I’m in my old rut again. I know this should be a perfect opportunity for me to get out of it, seeing as I’m aware of it, but I’m not motivated enough. This job is draining. It drains my life away. When I get home I’m just too exhausted to do anything, at least nothing productive but what TV. I’m like so caught up on all this bullshit. I truly dislike spending countless hours of my life just watching other people live their own; but at the same time, I’m too exhausted to do anything else that requires much brain power. I need to figure a way out of this. I like writing out my feelings but at the same time its just so darn depressing. I would much rather be writing about the adventures I’m having. Perhaps if I write down my adventures they’ll come true. Hmm…there’s an idea.

Adventure:
On a mild and humid day in November, I decide to cool off by going for a swim. Since the train ride to the beach is way too long, I decide that its best to try the Hudson River. As I pass by the droves of slow moving pedestrians, I notice the beauty that is the architecture of New York and lose myself in a daze, almost forgetting what my purpose was in walking west. Finally I reach the West Side highway, which is easily noticeable through all the smog and the speeding cars. As I wait for the light to turn, I can see the dozens of runners, cyclists, and rollerbladers on the paved road across the highway. Crossing in the designated pedestrian walkway is a mission on its own. You think its all smooth sailing because the light is for you to walk but nope you have to dodge cars coming at you from another direction. So as I finally arrive at the other side of the highway, I am greeted by a speeding drove of cyclists, who look like they are going to kill me if I don’t move out of their way. Who knew being a pedestrian would be so hard, you’d think they would offer us some sort of workshop titled “How to Walk in the Streets of New York Without Getting Killed by Taxis, Cyclists, Runners, and Other Pedestrians.” So here I am at my desired destination, I look for a spot that looks like a good jumping position and off I go. As I start with my breast stroke, I suddenly realize how panicky I get when I’m in water that’s over 5 feet deep. “Oh Crap!” Here I go in doggy paddle mode back to the boardwalk but first I have to remove all this gosh darn rubbish that’s in my way. When they said the Hudson River was dirty, they weren’t kidding. Ugh! “What is this? A six-pack plastic… grrrrr.” Back on the boardwalk I notice some people gawking at me in amazement. Eeh…I shrug and lay down to enjoy the beautiful foggy sky in that mild and humid November day.

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