Chupa Chups: May 2007

adios

In memory of fallen soldiers and those who fought for our democracy, the US has dedicated a day to commemorate all their efforts and to show them how much we thank them; this day is known to us all as Memorial Day. For as long as I can remember, this day (or weekend) has also commemorated the beginning of the summer season. During this past weekend as we remembered our soldiers by strutting our summer outfits on the beach, I enjoyed our empty streets by walking around aimlessly like a tourist. This weekend also marked the end of what was a beautiful two month courtship. Yes, you’ve read correctly. It has officially been five days since I last heard from teach so as history has told me that means it is officially over. I can’t say I remember exactly what it was that ended it but it is over. The last memory of the teach I have is him walking off to work in his blue shirt and the deli man asking me if I was on my way to work. Never did I think that that was the last I would be seeing of him but alas it is. I cannot say that I am not disheartened by how the situation turned out or that I am not sad because I am. Incidents like this relationship with the teach are what keep me cynical to the world of relationships. How am I supposed to trust, love or feel anything for anyone when this keeps happening? How am I supposed to constantly let me guard down to find that right one? I don’t want to feel hurt or any type of pain as I am sure no one does either. For me it is completely different though. Instead of allowing myself to seek out that wonderful love, I shut down every time this happens. I am beginning to think that one day I just won’t open my thick, cold stone walls again. Sadly this is my story and my life. I cannot do anything but keep living and focusing on the only thing that I can control—school. Adios teach.

Memorial Weekend Semi-Recap

The long weekend has come and gone. Overall, I must say, that I had a splendid time in the city. Of course, it was mainly due to the absence of about half the population, thank god for holidays. I am definitely not all too excited to be returning to work tomorrow, but I won’t be terribly distraught either. I am mostly looking forward to my trip on Thursday. Would definitely like to have a nice, relaxing time with absolutely no worries. Hopefully it will be the distraction I need. Life isn’t too chaotic, but it isn’t all that calm either.

Recap:
On Friday, I had a nice time just doing nothing. Woke up Saturday morning refreshed and ready to face the world. Throughout the day, the winds were awesome. They felt like if I was in a beach town. With the streets almost empty, I felt at ease just walking slowly. Saturday night was Alona’s graduation dinner. I am so proud of her for getting her MA. Now, she can say she is a real teacher. Sunday wasn’t too shabby. Didn’t go out like I was supposed to but I still got what I needed. Monday was a productive day and yet very much of a bummer. I decided to finally buckle down and get to these damn loans. It made me a bit sad to know that I will never get out of this debt. UGH! Unfortunately, tuition and cost of living does not add up to what we actually get in life. Paychecks are very low and everything rises. How the hell am I supposed to survive? My salary is considered a luxury when compared to those across America who barely live on a third of what I make. Life is definitely going to get tougher. Who knows what’s going to happen next?

Relationships:
I pretty much have none at the moment. Yes, you have read correctly. All my lovely boys are gone. One at a time, they all just started disappearing. I can’t say that I am all too disappointed. Things like this are what I expect in life. At any rate, I must trek forward. Whatever happens in this area of my life will happen. Definitely won’t stress it too much because ultimately I have no control over it.

Family:
My mom is living it up with her friends down in the Caribbean. They are hopefully just enjoying themselves. As she asked me to, I called her, and, was she there to pick up? Hell no. I am glad though. It means she must be having fun. For my mom, it is well overdue.

Sort of feel bad about my niece. I told her we would go horseback riding and then I backed out at the last minute. I explained that due to my sudden purchase on Friday, I was unable to treat her. Shoot, I have to treat her all the damn time. Not only that, but I have to pick her up and drop her off. Little girl is eleven-years-old, she should know how to take the train already. Shoots-and-ladders, my mom made me when I was that age.

Okay, enough, I am officially done. No more ranting and raving. Time to finish off my weekend.

Rob from the free movie previews

Instead of thinking of myself in the highest regard, as you know I am accustomed to do every day, I feel myself drowning in a pool of melancholy. I do not look for the life preserver at one end of the pool or the pimple-faced-teenager lifeguard, who is too busy making out with a braced-faced girl, at the other end. I am merely letting myself drown. Complete sadness will envelope me in a matter of hours, and I look forward to it. Oh heavenly bodies above, why must I be cursed with this mood-altering plague each month? Why must you tease and torment me with the thought of finally getting rid of you? Alas, I must suffer onward until it decides to finally come down and these Shakespearian actors get out of my head. I bid you adieu my good maiden. Thanks for reading. ‘til it be ‘morrow.

Oh, Rob, from the free movie screenings, you are the only one that truly cares about me enough to call me consistently. I love you Robertolious! Til our next screening.

Seacrest Out!

These past few weeks of agonizing over what would happen between the Teach and I are finally over. I no longer care what happens—well at about 40% of not caring. Until just a few days ago, I wasn’t really sure how that conversation about “us” affected me. I mostly thought that after that disappointing conversation we would go back to the way it was, but we haven’t. My feelings for him have somewhat changed, too. They no longer grow as they used to. No longer do I feel so incredibly attached to him or with the need to know if he will call me. I am now remembering what being me is really like. I can’t say that I am terribly mortified to be back in this isolated stage. After all, I have lived in this stage all my life. Mostly it sucks because I thought that I would finally be out of my dark hole and be a normal individual. Alas, I cannot. My destiny lies elsewhere and I must trek on to whatever awaits. I would say my sadness and apathetic level is slowly increasing as the time progresses. Oh drat! Gosh even writing this is depressing me! Seacrest out!!

assholes

After I picked up my morning sandwich from Andy’s deli, two hooligans proceeded to harass me on the street. For the duration of a block, they tried oh so desperately to get my attention. Once they saw that their lame pick-up lines were useless they decided to be down right nasty. I merely kept ignoring them and going about my business. But, do you think they stopped at that? NO! One of them threw a penny at me and said that that was how much I was worth. It is a damn right shame that this sort of thing happens. It is a bigger shame that nothing is ever done about. I was only walking around in a grungy t-shirt and sneakers. Nothing about me lured sexuality and most certainly nothing about me warranted that kind of disrespect.

This sort of behavior is definitely unacceptable.

we be jammin'

Ah, Friday! Yes, the weekend has finally arrived. Last night I took the liberty of starting early by partying way too much. First, it was to Off the Wagon for a few shots of Tequila and beers. After we had more than enough, we headed on over to Niagara Falls for a few more drinks, an art/photography exhibit, and some samba. And the best part of the night was of course running into Shrek! Ironically I used to live in the same neighborhood for two years and never once ran into him. I gave him a peace sign and he returned it. What a wonderful night. Ha. It reminds me of the good ol’ days of partying. OMG I cannot believe I gave Mike an effing peace sign. Anything else would have sufficed but a peace sign. It was definitely a sign of a good night.

Tonight’s events will lead us to the Stephen and Damian Marley concert at the Nokia Theater. Followed by what I believe to be a liquor-sponsored after party. Hopefully both will turn out good. For the occasion, I did a little curl-fro. The only sucky part is that it is coming apart. Damn! Oh well…last night with the curl-fro was fun.

For Sunday, it is off to the folk’s place to enjoy hours of endless gossip, paperwork, and, of course, bad talk about the little bro. They should all just give it a rest and let him breathe. For goodness sake, the boy will be 21 in a few months. Little kid is an “adult”, so it is about time they treat him like one.

Queen of Hearts

Apparently, I am the indisputable queen of hearts--acquiring, crushing, and devastating them. The total boy count as of May tenth is three. They are all handsome in their respective ways, and they all have a unique characteristic that attracts me to them. Unfortunately, I think it is about time I start cutting the strings. At this moment in time, I am all loopy in the air as to what I want. Sure I want the degree, the fame, and the fortune, but that won’t come for another few years. Maybe it is time to refocus on myself. I know I constantly talk about refocusing but sometimes you just have to keep telling yourself to do it or things happen that make you want to. For example, the two main squeezes, in a period of merely a few days, commented, in a nonchalant manner, a most detestable comment. It may not be as detestable to some, but considering I lived in a three-year long relationship with the most insecure person, I think I have a right to hate it. What is this comment you say? “It must be the other guy you are dating.” God do I hate that comment. I mostly hated because the three-year one, whom I was also engaged to, never stopped saying it. He even said it during the last few months of our relationship. Guys, whether it is in a joking manner or to get information from me, please don’t say those words or any similar words. If you want to know something about me, all you have to do is ask. I am more than willing to share. Nothing is more of a major turn-off than those words. Ugh! I’m going to take a little hiatus from the boys after this weekend. If they want to reach me, they know how to.

HAPPY EL CINCO!

Arriba! Arriba! It is Cinco de Mayo! What an effing morning?! The cat was clawing at my door since three am, so I’ve been in celebrating mood since. As you can see from the time of this blog, I opted not to attend the Revlon walk. It was going to be boring and I just didn’t want to wait in line to do late registration. Now, I do have free time to do other normal Saturday morning rituals that I haven’t done for weeks, for example, my hair and other minors. Phew! I have some breathing time. Off I go for the festivities. HAPPY CINCO!

pre- el cinco

Tomorrow, Cinco de Mayo, is going to be a very hectic day for me. In the morning, I have the Revlon Run/Walk for Women’s Cancers, which god I hope won’t be a real walk. These things always advertise running, but I have yet to see anyone run. I may just ditch early and go do my hair for the fiestas at night. Still no idea where the fiestas will be, but I definitely want to eat at Rosa Mexicano, if I can get a table. As for the evening fiestas, I could care less where they are happening. I do have a good crowd coming out. Although, considering my crowd, I am sure a lot of them will back out.

In other news, I told Chris, the ex, that I was going to London in a few weekends. I was hoping he would forget that because now I am thinking about not going. Don’t really want to rack up credit card charges, especially now that the pound is so expensive. So crashing on his couch, although somewhat awkward, is looking like a real possibility considering the money situation. Ugh! I don’t want to spend six hundred dollars on a plane ticket just to visit for the weekend. Why is London so damn expensive?

God…how will I manage tomorrow? I told the H-man that I would chill with him but I just want to chill with the world. No commitments whatsoever. Damn, why do I have to be so darn irresistible?

On a side note, my mom is going to visit me if I move. I told her all about hostels and Easy Jet and she is excited. Woo Hoo!

a moment of reflection

Recently, my life has become an upward/downward spiral, zigzags, circles, and any other geometric shape you can think of. One moment I am on the straight and narrow, and the next I am lost in a big black hole. The desires I want change daily. Sometimes I dream of completing my education, and other times I dream of focusing on my social life. It is a never-ending battle for me. And, it is because of this battle that I find myself so lost in the world.

From what I gather, this feeling of helplessness and loss of direction is a result of our enculturation. As a child, you are told where you will be attending school, how things are to be done, and any other societal normative. When you reach the state of supposed maturity, you are cast onto the world to fend for yourself. Those who taught you believe that they’ve supplied your toolbox with the necessary items to help you survive. And, for the most part, you do survive. However, there are occasions when you are just completely lost in the world and your toolbox just falls short. Where the next step you take is your own and the failure that comes from taking the wrong step is monumental.

In regards to my toolbox, I would say it is half full. So far, the items I was provided with got me this far, but they won’t get me to the next stage. I have to acquire new tools by means of trial and error. The next step I take is completely up to me. It may be the best move ever or the worst. Unless I attempt to step out of my circle, I won’t know. Either step I take will take me out of my comfort zone and natural elements. After dwelling so long on this topic, I just really want to move past it.

May 3 has been forever branded in my memory. It is the birthday of my first ever crush--an unrequited love. Who knew those elementary crushes could be remembered forever. So, Happy Birthday Edgar M, wherever you may be.