Thursday, May 3, 2007
a moment of reflection
Recently, my life has become an upward/downward spiral, zigzags, circles, and any other geometric shape you can think of. One moment I am on the straight and narrow, and the next I am lost in a big black hole. The desires I want change daily. Sometimes I dream of completing my education, and other times I dream of focusing on my social life. It is a never-ending battle for me. And, it is because of this battle that I find myself so lost in the world.
From what I gather, this feeling of helplessness and loss of direction is a result of our enculturation. As a child, you are told where you will be attending school, how things are to be done, and any other societal normative. When you reach the state of supposed maturity, you are cast onto the world to fend for yourself. Those who taught you believe that they’ve supplied your toolbox with the necessary items to help you survive. And, for the most part, you do survive. However, there are occasions when you are just completely lost in the world and your toolbox just falls short. Where the next step you take is your own and the failure that comes from taking the wrong step is monumental.
In regards to my toolbox, I would say it is half full. So far, the items I was provided with got me this far, but they won’t get me to the next stage. I have to acquire new tools by means of trial and error. The next step I take is completely up to me. It may be the best move ever or the worst. Unless I attempt to step out of my circle, I won’t know. Either step I take will take me out of my comfort zone and natural elements. After dwelling so long on this topic, I just really want to move past it.
May 3 has been forever branded in my memory. It is the birthday of my first ever crush--an unrequited love. Who knew those elementary crushes could be remembered forever. So, Happy Birthday Edgar M, wherever you may be.
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