at new heights

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

at new heights

New heights have been reached in this post-teacher phase, i.e., I have succumbed to ye ol’ high school tricks. I won’t clarify which one just in case “big brother” is watching or perhaps the teacher himself. (Isn’t it lovely to be so paranoid in this world?) It has gotten so bad that I have now recruited other people to help me. These high school hijinks should have been out of my system by now, but they aren’t. In my defense, I didn’t do enough of them in high school so I definitely have some in me to spare. But, one day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, I will out grow this and grow up. The famous and eternal love optimist, Ms. Charlotte York aka Mrs. Trey McDougal aka Mrs. Harry Goldenblatt, once said that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over him. I am seriously hoping she is right because I don’t know how much of this I can take. Some days I am totally normal and other days I am just spirally out of control. The best thing that came out of this is that I am not longer as scared to fall “in love” as I once was. Shockingly, I am not as distraught as I thought I would be. The feelings and hurt were there, but the one good thing that came out of it was hope. I now have hope that one day I can share my life with someone. Few are the days spent dreading any emotional connection with another individual. Now I actually welcome it. I guess I have finally reached a point where I am OK with trying and failing. Please believe that that is a huge shocker for me. Any pain, even the most minimal, will send me recoiling to my former self. I am now willing, and hopeful, when it comes to facing the world.

One of the single most helpful things I do when I am in pain or feeling out of it, is to work on myself as an individual. By working on the things I want and need, I distract myself from my pain. I try my hardest to keep the focus on myself and not get consumed with the emotions. In many ways, it is a positive approach, but I have come to the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to give out a good cry. After all, experiencing the gloomy emotions help you grow more as an individual. I believe the saying goes like this: “to know love is to know pain”. Alls I know is that pain sucks and that somehow you can’t escape it. By knowing pain is that you learn to enjoy and appreciate the other things in your life. So, I know I will never escape pain, but perhaps now I can learn to live with it better.