Chupa Chups: February 2008

oh my goodness....and yikes!

Tra-la-la-la has been my state of being regarding my classes and the pending essays and projects that are due. Barely have I looked at any of the readings regarding any of the essays. I somewhat have a vague notion of what I want to do, but not really. Now while sitting in front of this computer screen, I am feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout my body. Only now have I started to stress about these things. Yikes! All these projects are do in like three weeks. Oh lord baby jay! Please help me put my body and mind in motion in order to face all that is coming my way. I’ve been too consumed with other aspects of my life to even focus on school work. The present is where I need to be, not in the future. I can’t control what comes later on nor can I predict it. The best I can do is focus on me and now. So, first things first, library, long hours, and tons of energy drinks. Sleeping was a thing of the past for me. I need to finish all these things in three weeks time. Once I am done with all that, then I can focus on what comes next. The hermit of 2008 is what I will become. UGH! Life.

once again, sit down and shut up!

One hard, hard lesson in life I have learned is to shut up and do as you are told. Regardless of how many people say that individuality is a key component to many things, it is really bull crap. They don’t want you to truly express individuality, they want you to follow along with the crowd. Mindlessly and numbingly follow the rules of the game. If any sign of resistance is noticed, you will automatically be shunned from the community. I don’t get how people tell you to think outside the box when in reality they don’t want you to. They want you to focus on them and take their stuff as a given. Well, fine. Once again, I will concede to do as I am told. I will not go against what you say. I will play by your rules, that is, of course, until I can change the rules to my liking. I will only follow your damned rules until I can advance far enough o get to where I need and want to go. Playing by your rules will be tough, but I will only do so until I notice a weak link, somewhere I can take hold and switch the rules of the game. Life! Where the heck is the manual? I guess I should just write my own. It would definitely make things a whole lot simpler.

Dublinia

Dublin. Land of many pubs, rivers, bridges, and, um nothing else. Although my time in Dublin was well spent, mostly walking around aimlessly throughout the city, the place could use a little bit more excitement and perhaps cheaper things to do. How does a city, that barely has anything but pubs, cost more than Paris? Pubs are great and all, but food and shopping over there is ridiculous. I understand the need for modernization, but perhaps lets first get organized, then charge people up the ass prices. Build some cooler things, add some excitement to the area, other than pubs, and then divvy up the expense to the tourist. With that note aside, my time in Dublin was well spent. If I would’ve had company, I’m certain I would’ve enjoyed my time there more. Alas, it wasn’t the case, and by the second day I was pulling out my hair.

…..

News from the homestead brings with it sentiments of melancholy. I now yearn to be back home, working crazy hours, doing happy hours, and essentially becoming an automaton. It is sad to say, but I want to sort-of (I said sort-of) grow-up. I need money. Life isn’t as fun as it used to be. Although, when I did have money, most of my activities were limited because of rent and other financial obligations. As much as I feel the need to return to my old life, I know that I am not ready. I still have loads of work to do on myself. Going to Dublin gave me some perspective on the things I want and don’t want. Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more aware of what it is that I want my life to be like. How I get it, who knows? Perhaps one day that light will too shine upon me. Until then, I am still hopeful.

where there is a will, there is a way

In a short days time, I will be in Dublin, Ireland. My pot o’ gold and my four leaf clover await me over there. Have I mentioned how excited I am? To be honest, I am not as excited as I should be, but I will get there soon enough. I am hoping to take lots of pictures so my friend could see what she missed out on. Hopefully, it will inspire her to arrange her travel plans instead of letting all that money go to waste. In any case, travelling with people is awesome and wonderful, but if circumstances don’t permit, I am still going to go. At this stage in my life, waiting for people could mean waiting an eternity. Besides bills and family obligations, people also have jobs and careers to think about before they decide to conquer the world. I, on the other hand, want to travel as much as possible. Who knows where I will be tomorrow? I may not have much funds, but it is surely enough to get me to the other side of the road. What happens at the other end is up to fate. Yeah, I feel the excitement rush through me now. It is my inner self coming out slowly but surely. Gosh, I missed her. I may not know where life may lead me, but I do know a few pit stops I would like to have. Money is just a means to certain things, your heart is the main driving force in everything. Just like the saying: “where there is a will, there is a way” or however it goes. Optimistic travel is what I am. Traveling to catch a glimpse of the goodness all around the world. A smile a day goes a very long way. Sorry with all this cheerfulness, but last night I saw the secret. Hey, if it works for some, why not me. Have faith.

what a world i weave

It has become unpleasantly and evidently clear to me that in my efforts to create an “in” group, where I am one of the center members, and thus excluding some (although not actively), I end up being the outcast and the loner. In my small (about 20 member) program, I thought I could create a cool group with some individuals. While unsuccessfully trying to befriend the majority of the full time members, I feel like the biggest outcast. After class I see how the majority of them either pair up or form triplets and go about their merry way. It saddens me and leaves me wondering why I am not apart of those groups, even as an occasional member. I don’t believe I am the worst person to associate with. At first, I just thought it was because we come from different backgrounds, but after seeing someone with a similar background to mine adjust well, I am beginning to think I am to blame. It troubles me to think that my life will continue to be this way. I don’t want to be the eternal outcast. Yes, it is fun and educational at times, but it is always lonely. I am at odds as to remedy the situation. Now that I have acknowledged what I do, how do I reconcile it? Writing it down and talking to people about it is one way, but I want more lucrative strategies. I know that most of what I do depends on me, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. Ugh. I really hate that most of my time is spent bitching about life and how I have failed as an individual. I would like to write about the great things in life like spring, skiing, etc. Like Senor Ryan Seacrest, bitching session out.

am i getting better?

The words unique, courageous, and independent are commonly used to describe me. Often I take pride in being associated with these words, but on occasion I feel as if they are used to chastise me. The mere fact of my “independent” nature leads people to believe that I don’t need the common, simple things most people seek for- love, help or a shoulder to cry on. When did being strong and confident in one area mean that I am an all-around person? I do have my sad and helpless days. Like everyone on this planet, I yearn for some sense of direction and affection. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. To my dismay, I am not supposed to ask for those things. My “panic attacks” are just my delusions. I should not cry or ask for help because that hasn’t been a persistent trait in my character. However, when others need to cry and question the world, I am supposed to shut up and listen and not judge them hypocritical for not listening to me. The irony is that whenever I need to shout out my paranoid concerns about my life, everyone just pushes me aside as if “I’ll take care of that later because that is not important now.” I am certain that if I did that to them they wouldn’t be as forgiving as I have been or claim to be. I guess this is how most resentments build up, huh? Well, I am sort of done with all that. With my resourcefulness and my independent nature, I have sought ways to cope with these feelings. Right now, I would say that I am about 20 to 30 per cent better. When I see people going through the meltdowns I went through, I just breathe and reassert myself that I am not alone or crazy. Although they may have others or me as an outlet, I know what it feels like. I won’t lie, it completely sucks going through these things alone. Most times, I just hate that I usually have to face these things alone, especially when I have recently started to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the ways to actually get over these feelings, right? People are supposed to be open to help others, right? So, where the heck is my support group? There are no real solutions or answers in life. You just make the best of a bad situation or at least that’s what I learned, the hard way.

another tirade

My return to academia was supposed to be an enlightening time; a time spent focusing my life and my future goals. Instead, it has turned out to be a hell of a journey. While I am becoming enlightened and focusing on life, I am also feeling inundated, useless, and a mere accumulation of spare parts. Here I have this brain, which in all theory is one of the ultimate defining factors between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, and I feel like I am just wasting it away. Ultimately, I feel like a sack of potatoes on the couch. Watching my life pass by me is no fun. What is even less fun is watching others live their lives around me. While I may believe that my life has been filled with wonderful things, in actuality, it is about a quarter filled of what it should be. Often when my mind wanders, I imagine myself travelling to the deepest depths of the world, discovering new cultures, and overall experiencing life. In my imaginary floating ship, I see myself with an abundance of curiosity and ambition. The life I live is one of endless possibility. One day I am studying to be an aviator and the next I am running in a marathon. These all seem like wonderful dreams, but when it comes down to it, they are merely dreams. I put no pencil-to-paper. My ambition levels when it comes time to actually do the work depletes so rapidly I feel physically drained as if I just did a full workout. Hence, I feel the need to constantly relax and continue my endless tirade of procrastination. One of the only things that seem to keep me focused, at least for a few hours, are energy drinks. But, should my life be all about drinking energy drinks to function? Should I medicate myself to maintain my levels of ambition? It should go without mention that I am seriously against all medications for myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, some medications are necessary, but being medicated to do simple functions is something I don’t want to be about. For instance, it is like the argument to prolong life. Do you really want to stay alive just to be a vegetable? I would, but I wouldn’t want drugs ruling my every waking moment. I know it seems hypocritically. I am all for people prolonging their life with drugs, after all it is their prerogative. But for me, there are only a few instances when I would except it for me. However, I would prefer the choice than not having it at all. I guess that is what living in a “radically free society” is all about. For now, this is the end of my tirade and my wallowing, that is, until next time.

another blow to the heart

It seems I am in the habit of picking guys who are seriously unavailable. Whether it be that they are just immature or involved with someone, it just seems I know how to pick them. At this moment, my heart is in a bit of shambles over an email received from a former crush. Although the crush is mostly gone, the torch still lures from time to time. Well, I guess that torch has been put out by the email. It seems that a little valentine heart, which I sent to about fifteen other people, has caused some drift with him and his GIRLFRIEND. Ugh, it is absolutely one of the worst ways to hear about it. I really don’t know what to reply. It was some silly little application, which I sent to a few people. How the heck am I ever going to talk to this person? I feel like I have done nothing wrong. It was merely an innocent little thing. Besides my heart being a bit broken, I feel bad that it caused something between his girlfriend and him.

For what it is worth, I feel like running all over again and wallowing in self-pity. Although running doesn’t seem to solve the problem, it sure helps to get away from it a bit. Gosh, I can’t believe I am letting this get to me. I guess it is more of the fact that I barely get it. I am always crushing or wanting those who are unavailable. In reality, I am just tired. I am tired of hoping I’ll meet prince charming. I know Hollywood and Disney created this whole big notion of a wonderful being and your perfect mate and that there probably isn’t one, but you still have hope. Overall, I believe is the only thing that keeps you going. Crap. I have to run again. How in the world am I going to face this kid? I have about two months of “interaction” left. Hopefully, it won’t be a big deal.

Whenever I get devastating blows like this, besides running, I also just want to focus on the things I know how to focus on, and that’s school/work/myself. I through myself into the things I can “control” and push aside those which I can’t. I hope to build myself stronger in my other areas so that my weaknesses in others won’t be so much of a deal. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to do this and must face reality.