another tirade

Thursday, February 14, 2008

another tirade

My return to academia was supposed to be an enlightening time; a time spent focusing my life and my future goals. Instead, it has turned out to be a hell of a journey. While I am becoming enlightened and focusing on life, I am also feeling inundated, useless, and a mere accumulation of spare parts. Here I have this brain, which in all theory is one of the ultimate defining factors between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, and I feel like I am just wasting it away. Ultimately, I feel like a sack of potatoes on the couch. Watching my life pass by me is no fun. What is even less fun is watching others live their lives around me. While I may believe that my life has been filled with wonderful things, in actuality, it is about a quarter filled of what it should be. Often when my mind wanders, I imagine myself travelling to the deepest depths of the world, discovering new cultures, and overall experiencing life. In my imaginary floating ship, I see myself with an abundance of curiosity and ambition. The life I live is one of endless possibility. One day I am studying to be an aviator and the next I am running in a marathon. These all seem like wonderful dreams, but when it comes down to it, they are merely dreams. I put no pencil-to-paper. My ambition levels when it comes time to actually do the work depletes so rapidly I feel physically drained as if I just did a full workout. Hence, I feel the need to constantly relax and continue my endless tirade of procrastination. One of the only things that seem to keep me focused, at least for a few hours, are energy drinks. But, should my life be all about drinking energy drinks to function? Should I medicate myself to maintain my levels of ambition? It should go without mention that I am seriously against all medications for myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, some medications are necessary, but being medicated to do simple functions is something I don’t want to be about. For instance, it is like the argument to prolong life. Do you really want to stay alive just to be a vegetable? I would, but I wouldn’t want drugs ruling my every waking moment. I know it seems hypocritically. I am all for people prolonging their life with drugs, after all it is their prerogative. But for me, there are only a few instances when I would except it for me. However, I would prefer the choice than not having it at all. I guess that is what living in a “radically free society” is all about. For now, this is the end of my tirade and my wallowing, that is, until next time.