what a world i weave

Monday, February 18, 2008

what a world i weave

It has become unpleasantly and evidently clear to me that in my efforts to create an “in” group, where I am one of the center members, and thus excluding some (although not actively), I end up being the outcast and the loner. In my small (about 20 member) program, I thought I could create a cool group with some individuals. While unsuccessfully trying to befriend the majority of the full time members, I feel like the biggest outcast. After class I see how the majority of them either pair up or form triplets and go about their merry way. It saddens me and leaves me wondering why I am not apart of those groups, even as an occasional member. I don’t believe I am the worst person to associate with. At first, I just thought it was because we come from different backgrounds, but after seeing someone with a similar background to mine adjust well, I am beginning to think I am to blame. It troubles me to think that my life will continue to be this way. I don’t want to be the eternal outcast. Yes, it is fun and educational at times, but it is always lonely. I am at odds as to remedy the situation. Now that I have acknowledged what I do, how do I reconcile it? Writing it down and talking to people about it is one way, but I want more lucrative strategies. I know that most of what I do depends on me, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. Ugh. I really hate that most of my time is spent bitching about life and how I have failed as an individual. I would like to write about the great things in life like spring, skiing, etc. Like Senor Ryan Seacrest, bitching session out.