am i getting better?

Saturday, February 16, 2008

am i getting better?

The words unique, courageous, and independent are commonly used to describe me. Often I take pride in being associated with these words, but on occasion I feel as if they are used to chastise me. The mere fact of my “independent” nature leads people to believe that I don’t need the common, simple things most people seek for- love, help or a shoulder to cry on. When did being strong and confident in one area mean that I am an all-around person? I do have my sad and helpless days. Like everyone on this planet, I yearn for some sense of direction and affection. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. To my dismay, I am not supposed to ask for those things. My “panic attacks” are just my delusions. I should not cry or ask for help because that hasn’t been a persistent trait in my character. However, when others need to cry and question the world, I am supposed to shut up and listen and not judge them hypocritical for not listening to me. The irony is that whenever I need to shout out my paranoid concerns about my life, everyone just pushes me aside as if “I’ll take care of that later because that is not important now.” I am certain that if I did that to them they wouldn’t be as forgiving as I have been or claim to be. I guess this is how most resentments build up, huh? Well, I am sort of done with all that. With my resourcefulness and my independent nature, I have sought ways to cope with these feelings. Right now, I would say that I am about 20 to 30 per cent better. When I see people going through the meltdowns I went through, I just breathe and reassert myself that I am not alone or crazy. Although they may have others or me as an outlet, I know what it feels like. I won’t lie, it completely sucks going through these things alone. Most times, I just hate that I usually have to face these things alone, especially when I have recently started to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the ways to actually get over these feelings, right? People are supposed to be open to help others, right? So, where the heck is my support group? There are no real solutions or answers in life. You just make the best of a bad situation or at least that’s what I learned, the hard way.