Chupa Chups

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Supposedly you become a more valuable player once you fail and rise from the burnt ashes of your dreams and hopes. But, how can someone rise from those ashes knowing that their whole world has crumpled before them? Those dreams were the only things keeping them afloat here, the only things that made life worth living. So, what would rising from those ashes be for them? Is it another chance to get destroyed by the big bad world? Seriously, what is the point of it all? I am definitely devastated and in awe of what just occurred, but I am also just damn right angry. Why does my life have to be a myriad of obstacles and speed bumps that I have to overcome to get to the next stage? Is it to be a stronger person? For what precisely do I have to be stronger? What the heck is so great about that next stage? Is it the promise land of chocolate and gold? Is it to be torn down again and ripped limb from limb?

i'm truly done

God I feel like shit again. It almost seems pointless to even try anymore. I feel like completely giving up and moving into a trailer in some swampland. At least there I won’t have any expectations. I know exactly what I am getting. If life could just go swimmingly for a short while that would just be great. I really can’t take many more of these speed bumps and obstacles, especially if I don’t know where I am heading. It seems like life is just a big reality show where you are supposed to play this role. It isn’t your reality it is someone else’s. You follow suit and pray everything goes well. No input of your own is required. They will tell you how to act, dress, think, and have sex. All that is required from you is to play the party; no questions asked.

the crow position

Monday turned out to be a glorious and productive day. I woke up at an early hour and was able to do some early morning grocery shopping, which is a good thing because I had, like, zero food in the fridge—I didn’t even have baking soda. Following my shopping spree, I was able to dedicate about three to four hours to learning statistics. (Please don’t ask me what I learned because I already forgot it.) In addition to that, I was also able to get four people to volunteer for my study, now only six more to go. Yoga at night wasn’t too bad. It was actually a bit strange because the men outnumbered the women. It is usually the other way around. In any case, I had an awesome time because I was finally able to hold the crow position-- albeit only two seconds, but it was something. On my journey home I felt a little airy (not like an airhead but just light). In a way it felt good, but at the same time I was going nuts over the quiet streets. Sometimes I love that I can hear the leaves rustle but other times it is just too much. I need NOISE! What can I say, I feel good at the moment, despite the stillness of the night.

Future Concerns:
How in the world am I going to be able to pull off my methods section for my thesis? I strongly dislike math. I would much rather have a calculator for simple math, and even then would need to double-check myself. For now, I am taking it one step (and day) at a time. Speaking of which, I just remembered I have to do some volunteer work. Ha.

Au revouir (sp?) for now.

PS Did I mention my Chinese neighbors are crazy? Sure are. I love them to pieces, and for the life of me can’t fall asleep unless I hear them fighting, but sometimes it seems like that are really going at it. Ha. I’m pretty sure they are only talking loudly though.

time for action

What is my purpose in life? Is it to get up at 7am and work my life away in a 9-5? Is it to work for people who cause pain on to others or who use others for their own purposes? Life is an amazing gift we have. It wasn’t given to us so that we can waste it. From my understanding, it was to use it for the greater good. Being born into a rich or poor community doesn’t give you an advantage or disadvantage. What I believe gives you the edge to be successful in life is love and compassion. I never write about love because I don’t really know what it is about. All my life I’ve been running away from it. For as far back as I can remember I’ve always tried my hardest to keep people at arms length. Forming meaningful connections with others was a big no-no to me. The less I had that connection with another human, the better off I would be. I wouldn’t have to hurt or worry. I would just be in my little world, my little world of numbness. What makes me feel really ashamed is when people ask me how I’m feeling. If I were to tell them the truth, I would tell them that the only things I feel are anger, fear, and sadness. The positive emotions of happiness and love are far erased from my memory. It truly saddens me that if I am not feeling anger, sadness, or pain, I am mostly just feeling numb. The numbing feeling is my closest thing to happiness. At times, I believe that that is peace. So, now I sit here. Wasting my life away by not living. Millions of people worldwide are dying to have what I have, the precious gift of life. I have had the fortune to be healthy most of my life, and what do I have to show for it? Can I say I’ve saved a life? Can I claim to be a peacekeeper? Am I responsible for bringing some form of irrigation for a village in desperate need of water? My answer to all would be no. I have not done anything with my time. I keep the ideal that everyone should be living his or her lives to the fullest, but everyday I waste mine away. Hours upon hours I spend watching TV, watching other people live their lives. It frustrates me when people pay money to know what celebrities are wearing. They idolize these people that don’t deserve more than a second’s praise. Millions are dying of hunger and illnesses that could’ve been avoided with a mere few dollars. However, these idolized, camera-hungry people spend thousands of dollars on a handbag that was most likely created from a murdered crocodile. Now, I know I am no saint. I, too, would love the beautiful shoes and dresses. I guess this is just a note for me to get up off my ass and do something for others and for myself. Be that person that I know I can be.

month of may

The month of May started off as a vacation for me and I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. Although it’s only been two weeks, I feel like I’ve been lounging around for about a month. I have to get back on track with my thesis work and my life. Yikes! Who said life was ever easy? Ugh. Just the thought of being productive again brings shivers down my spine. On the plus side, I’ve been incorporating more healthy practices/habits in my life. I’ve recently joined a gym- hopefully this time I’ll use it to the fullest instead of just paying for a year of watching TV. Also, I bought Bran Flakes. At first I thought it would be yucky and god awful, but it isn’t that bad. I guess being old could be ok. However, I’ll still need a box of Lucky Charms in the cupboard. On top of the gym and the Bran Flakes, I have also switched to wheat pasta. Yes, I know I could go full on, but slowly does it, no? So I must say I am proud of myself for these things. Conversely, I am disappointed in myself for continuing to procrastinate- in school work and in life. I do not appreciate my continued tardiness to everything in life. I’ve been late to almost everything for the past four years. It is a bad habit and something I need to improve on. Slowly does it and one day at a time. And, the big update, I now have to start dating or at least wean myself back into the dating scene. I have to put out the ‘girlfriend’ vibes I’ve not had in years. Lets see how this all pans out. Hmph.

another failure

God I feel like such a failure. How have I even made it this far in life? Really, I need someone to explain this to me? Apparently I am just completely fooling myself about my own potentials. Earlier this afternoon I had a sit-down with my tutor and he totally handed me a laundry list of my failures as a student. Per his records, I failed my first exam. All I could remember walking out of that exam room was how great I thought it went. I was so sure I was going to get a very high mark. The worse I thought possible was that I would get a B-, but nope, he said I failed it! How the heck?! So now I am not too sure about the exam I took yesterday. God…everything I have done for this course has been a failure. Besides getting in, I have no idea how I am still in the program. After I left his office, I felt like even more of a failure. God everything just mounts up. Here I am thinking that I am all right for having accomplished so much. I sometimes get people telling me how great they believe I’m doing. I barely made it home without falling to the floor in tears. All I could think about was ways to prove him wrong. He even suggested I hold off applying to any programs until I finish my thesis. Apparently, from the looks of my record, I am not a very academic individual, which is odd to me because that was something I did better in. I guess I was just fooling myself. ….I’m just sitting her, sobbing my damn eyeballs out, and all I can think of is comparing myself to others. How they all seem to get it and get good marks. They all just seem to know how the program of life forms. Although I do see them at their weakest sometimes, they just seem to know how everything just works. Yes, their life may look all that great from the outside, but still be rotten in the inside, but it sure looks a whole lot better than my inside. WHY?!!! Why do I even bother to continue? I thought I was doing so well but I’m not. I guess I was just suppressing everything and pretending it was ok. Ironically enough, all I want to do is prove everyone wrong. Have an amazing life and show them that I can make it to wherever I want to, besides their disapproval.

limps, exams, and East

Boo-yah! I totally kicked ass in my exam this morning. Although it took me a while, about fifteen minutes worth, I totally came from behind left field to win the pendant. My hand is in pain now, but it is so worth it because I am so getting an A+….ok, I’ll be slightly modest, A! I’m fantabulous. That exam was a sure fire A for me, I don’t care about the different grading systems, I gave it my all and that paper was awesome. It may have been flawed here or there, but still it won’t deter from my A.

*****

In other news, I am almost done with this thesis, not the actual book I have to hand in, but the coursework; only my presentation and essay left. It seems surreal, but I really can’t wait to get started on my next stage in life, whatever that is. What I do know is that I’ll be joining a kibbutz in Israel this summer. I am so excited to be going to the Middle East, hopefully I will make it back in one peace. Traveling to such religious historic places will be sure to bring about me some spiritual inspirations. One of my main goals is to have a better spiritual understanding, besides having an amazing time. Who knows what lies ahead of me, all I know is that I am ready to embrace it—limping and all.

And, in other, other news, I’m limping. Due to some strenuous running, I’ve been limping for about three days now. Today feels a whole lot better than yesterday but the pain is still there. Looks like my marathon training sessions will have to take a back seat to my recovery. I actually received an email regarding early entry opportunities for the London marathon and am contemplating signing up. I really want to do the New York marathon, but who knows, perhaps the London one could be a warm up. I need more medals, DAMMIT!

Well peace in the Middle East for now. Outtie 5000.

April showers

Saturdays can sometimes be fun days, especially when it rains all day long. Well, I’m pretty sure not many will agree with me on that one, but I love it when it rains because it just makes you reflect. Earlier today, when it hailed, it looked so beautiful outside. The streets were all empty and the ice produced such lovely melodies on my window sill. I, practicing my good hygiene, decided to floss while looking at the passersby and the traffic. Moments like these are precious. The whole entire time, while I was flossing, I was just wondering how many people out there could notice me flossing and what they would think of this crazy person flossing in front of the window. Ha. As the day progressed and the torrential downpours started, I couldn’t wait to go outside. I put on my galoshes and headed out into the world. Feeling mildly optimistic, I was excited to know that I had a place to be. I was even more excited to arrive early to take a look at this book that was loaned to me. It seems like it may be able to put certain things in perspective for me. When I arrived at my destination, I felt all gleeful knowing that others were already there and others were slowly trickling in. It was great to feel people’s auras. Throughout the meeting, I just became happier as the minutes passed. For some reason, I was super. I felt empowered. I felt like I finally had some purpose in life. I couldn’t wait to get started on my goals. When the meeting ended, I stayed behind to help out and chat with others. It felt good to know that certain people were OK. In a way, I felt like a motivational speaker because I told this woman to scream and shout if she wanted to. She was entitled to her feelings and I let her know so. When I left, I stopped by the local grocery because I was parched. Stopped into a stationer and purchased my third flash drive ever; I just keep losing those suckers. As I went along, I stopped in this kitchen store and fell in love with some flatware and dishware. When I exited the store I noticed a rather familiar individual. An individual that I assumed was far gone by the time I left the meeting. Pleasantly surprised, he didn’t attempt to interact with me. It is not that I don’t like him, it’s just that he creeps me out. Often, instead of walking home, I take the bus because I am afraid he may follow me one day. When I noticed we were walking in the same direction, I quickly turned a corner. I definitely didn’t want to bump into him and have him attempt anything. I tried my hardest to lose him. Yes, a wee bit psychotic of me, but so worth it. Now I know why I totally need 24 hour security service. The dude looks like such a stalkerazzi. Eventually I know he’ll talk to me but until then I am safe. Feeling all empowered for the next half hour, I started reading the book my friend loaned me. Unfortunately, when I got home, I couldn’t stop eating. I started losing my motivation and eventually took a nap. Hopefully the jolt from this Red Bull will give me the strength I need to recover some of my lost day.

On a totally unrelated subject, a friend of mine will be visiting in about three weeks time. I honestly don’t know how this little visit will pan out. Generally I get tired of him within the first few hours. Since he’ll be staying with me, I’ll have to experience all his good and bad qualities for a whole week. I am hoping to maintain my serenity and joy while he is in town. Often when he is near or when I speak to him, I just tend to revert to evil ways of thinking and acting. I really don’t want to do it, but he has wonderful ways of getting it out of me. Unfortunately, he has also perfected his ways of manipulating me. I am hoping to stay strong while he is in town. God help me.

seeking serenity and humility

So the major breakdown, or meltdown for me, is that my roommate got engaged. Although I should be happy for her and wishing her well, I just can’t seem to muster it up in me. One minute she is my sweet little girl on the best path to life and then all of a sudden she took a dead-end detour. She showed such promise. Why can’t I be happy for her? She is finally happy and I can’t seem to be happy for her. Her parents seem OK with him now, although they did hold some initial reservations about him. Why? WHY? WHY?! Is it this hard for me to be happy for her? I can be excited over the minutest thing, but this big part of her life, I can’t. This worrisome (I can’t believe it) feeling has to be something deep within me. Certain couples I can be extremely happy for while others just seem so dead wrong for me. I’m not saying that hers is a dead wrong relationship, but I wanted more for her. God, I am sounding like her parents would be sounding. What I need to do is stop projecting my needs and wants onto others. If people are happy with what they have, I should just let it go. It is none of my business if it doesn’t please me or not. If they are happy, it should be all that matters.

So, I guess I should proceed onward to discovering why I feel such anguish. While I was reading her email, I did have this nasty gut feeling about the picture staring at me. Part of me was like NO, NO, NO for her, and the other part was like nice nails. Weirdly enough, I felt the presence of my inner me. (Who, by the way, reminds me of Kenny from South Park.) It was like having two heads. One was like NO for her, and the other one was reminding me of what I wanted. It may be superficial of me, but I want the grandeur that I see in the movies about romance with the reality of sitcoms. Looking at this whole situation, I guess I do want to eventually fall for someone. Actually, I think it has even brought out of me one of my personality traits, ambition. I didn’t think I was that ambitious but I guess I am. In the environment I grew up in, I think it is hard not to be ambitious or at least have inkling for it. Hmm…ironically enough, I think this whole situation has put my life in some much needed prospective. I want certain things in life. I want to own my own apartment, preferably a loft but I can settle with whatever. I also want the steady and successful career that I can be damned proud of achieving on my own hardworking merits. Once I can achieve financial and home security, I know some of my fears will go away. Money isn’t everything, and the riches I wanted before are not there. I am more than content being a hardworking upper middle class person, ☺. If I am blessed with a child or two (by either surrogate, adoption or my own biology), I want to provide them with the best I can. My family tried it with me and I am so grateful and proud of it. All this anguish I feel really comes down to me and my needs and wants. I shouldn’t be projecting them onto others. Yes, I am pretty sure my mother and some part in this as well, but I can’t continue to blame her with everything for the rest of my life. Eventually one day I have to move on whether I want to or not.

Oh….did I mention? My ex is also getting married. How is that for another jaunt my way? The gods that be should show me my path soon or else I may just think I’m destined to be in constant anguish, paranoia, and fear. Seeking serenity. Seeking serenity and humility. Seeking serenity, humility, and world peace.

happy April fools!

Sacrosanct: Sacred. The meaning of that damn word was driving me insane this morning. I had an inclining on what it meant, but couldn’t remember its exact definition. Good thing for electronic dictionaries.

So, two weeks ago I finished my coursework for my masters. Now all I have left to do is an exam, essay, the thesis presentation, and then the thesis. It is so cliché but here it goes: “Time went by so fast.” Don’t get me wrong, I am all excited for this being over. It wasn’t the exact experience I had hoped for, but it was an experience nonetheless. I guess I am finally ready to move on with my life; see where my next journey is. For now, I know that school isn’t such a hot topic any more. I may consider a phd or law school in the future, but for now I think I just need to work and pretend to be an adult. I always thought it was horrible to be an adult, but they have money. I miss money. I am not starving or anything like that, it just would be nice to be able to go on a little shopping spree or perhaps on a partying spree. Life can get boring when you have no money. It is not all bad, but it does feel like you are missing out. Hmm interestingly enough I feel like I am missing from action. It sort of feels like I have been easing my way into adulthood because I am scared to face everything all at once. Who knows, perhaps I just was too chicken shit. I want a life again. I want responsibilities- some not all. I want to date again.

Ugh! Unfortunately, I think it is time for me to get back on that horse soon. I did date an interesting lad around December/January, but ended before it even started. My main thing with dating is that I don’t feel adequate enough of a mate to date. The people I date are all secure with themselves and their persona in society. I, however, fight everything. Even though it may be an easy task, I just want to fight it all the way. I need the drama. So, here I am…alone. An independent person, soon to be awarded a masters and have no job. Although I want to be with someone (I guess), I also want to establish myself before I do. I sort of gave myself a little break from it all. I still party, but won’t try to find Mr. Right at every corner. As of this moment, I am going to finish whatever is left of my coursework, try to get a job, and then possibly start dating again. I am estimating about a month and a half. Not to start dating, but to finish all I have to before I can embrace other ideas. Who knows where my life will end up. All I know is that being over here, although not the greatest, it isn’t the worst. I still have a lot of growing up and I want to try to find a little bit more of myself before I start advertising to “prospective mates”- this is what studying human behavioral ecology does to you. Everything is seen as a way to maximize reproductive success.

what am i to do?

At this juncture of my life, I am faced with one of those daunting questions. Where do I go from here? With only a few weeks left in the semester, I am left to figure out where I will be in the forthcoming years. Besides my thesis due in the fall, I have no official plans. Why don’t I have a manual for life yet? The other day I was so enthused because I figured out a bit about myself, but here I am again facing this darn question that won’t go away. It seems everyone has an idea of what they want to do and how to do it, but I don’t. A few hours ago, a friend of mine told me I complain too much. According to him, being an American means an infinite amount of possibilities. His choices are limited to those governed by his nationality and whether they will allow him to follow his dreams or even let him dream. In a way, I am being a bit melodramatic and overstressing every minute detail. I completely sympathize with him because my life would be a different story had I grown up like he did. Overall, I guess my life isn’t so bad. I think I just have to remember those times I feel secure in my skin and keep going with it. There are no absolute certainties in life, but there are a limitless amount of possibilities—I believe that’s how the quote goes. Remember to breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale.

…….

First things first. I have to figure out what I need to do, want to do, and plan Bs. Living in fear of what will come is absolutely no good to me or others. I need to take life as it comes, and always remember that I have to make the best out of any situation I am given. I cannot allow myself to wallow in self-pity for it will only drag me way down with it. These next two weeks have to be crunch time. Crying and sleeping won’t help the situation, it will only make things harder. I have to face life and stop being afraid to live it to the fullest, even if that means growing up and taking responsibilities. Breathe. Always remember to breathe for it is the only thing that can restore you to serenity.

oh my goodness....and yikes!

Tra-la-la-la has been my state of being regarding my classes and the pending essays and projects that are due. Barely have I looked at any of the readings regarding any of the essays. I somewhat have a vague notion of what I want to do, but not really. Now while sitting in front of this computer screen, I am feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout my body. Only now have I started to stress about these things. Yikes! All these projects are do in like three weeks. Oh lord baby jay! Please help me put my body and mind in motion in order to face all that is coming my way. I’ve been too consumed with other aspects of my life to even focus on school work. The present is where I need to be, not in the future. I can’t control what comes later on nor can I predict it. The best I can do is focus on me and now. So, first things first, library, long hours, and tons of energy drinks. Sleeping was a thing of the past for me. I need to finish all these things in three weeks time. Once I am done with all that, then I can focus on what comes next. The hermit of 2008 is what I will become. UGH! Life.

once again, sit down and shut up!

One hard, hard lesson in life I have learned is to shut up and do as you are told. Regardless of how many people say that individuality is a key component to many things, it is really bull crap. They don’t want you to truly express individuality, they want you to follow along with the crowd. Mindlessly and numbingly follow the rules of the game. If any sign of resistance is noticed, you will automatically be shunned from the community. I don’t get how people tell you to think outside the box when in reality they don’t want you to. They want you to focus on them and take their stuff as a given. Well, fine. Once again, I will concede to do as I am told. I will not go against what you say. I will play by your rules, that is, of course, until I can change the rules to my liking. I will only follow your damned rules until I can advance far enough o get to where I need and want to go. Playing by your rules will be tough, but I will only do so until I notice a weak link, somewhere I can take hold and switch the rules of the game. Life! Where the heck is the manual? I guess I should just write my own. It would definitely make things a whole lot simpler.

Dublinia

Dublin. Land of many pubs, rivers, bridges, and, um nothing else. Although my time in Dublin was well spent, mostly walking around aimlessly throughout the city, the place could use a little bit more excitement and perhaps cheaper things to do. How does a city, that barely has anything but pubs, cost more than Paris? Pubs are great and all, but food and shopping over there is ridiculous. I understand the need for modernization, but perhaps lets first get organized, then charge people up the ass prices. Build some cooler things, add some excitement to the area, other than pubs, and then divvy up the expense to the tourist. With that note aside, my time in Dublin was well spent. If I would’ve had company, I’m certain I would’ve enjoyed my time there more. Alas, it wasn’t the case, and by the second day I was pulling out my hair.

…..

News from the homestead brings with it sentiments of melancholy. I now yearn to be back home, working crazy hours, doing happy hours, and essentially becoming an automaton. It is sad to say, but I want to sort-of (I said sort-of) grow-up. I need money. Life isn’t as fun as it used to be. Although, when I did have money, most of my activities were limited because of rent and other financial obligations. As much as I feel the need to return to my old life, I know that I am not ready. I still have loads of work to do on myself. Going to Dublin gave me some perspective on the things I want and don’t want. Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more aware of what it is that I want my life to be like. How I get it, who knows? Perhaps one day that light will too shine upon me. Until then, I am still hopeful.