self-realization

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

self-realization

It has come to my attention, in reality my self-realization, that I am jaded when it comes to the opposite sex. Here I thought I was one of the most biased-free people in the world, and I am just like all those judgmental – filled with hatred – people. Throughout the past few months, there have been incidents and research that have shown me the way of my errors. Like most people, my disdain for the opposite sex began with my mother’s innuendos about my father and men in general. It took me over two decades to realize that the only reason I never gave my father a chance was because my mother and family spoke badly of him. He literally died yearning for the love of his daughter, and instead got years of a rock-hard cold shoulder. In many ways, I am brought to shame by my research, but hopeful that I can remedy the situation.

On a similar note and to add to this whole phallic-hating self-realization, I am beginning to question how I can go through with my studies. I have been reading quite a few articles and have yet to spot much female-bashing. It all just seems very scientific. Most of the specimens I have read about do not distinguish between the sexes – although there are few mentions of sexual dimorphisms, these are very minimal. I could argue for a clear distinction, but it would seem like a tougher and futile fight. Besides agreeing with my original hypothesis on how specimens are normally assumed male, I must say, there is barely anything else I could mention that would be worthwhile. I’m hoping that somehow with the impending year of study, I will have more knowledge to approach my thesis.


On to personal stuff:

On my self-realization cruise, I concluded that I need to establish myself as individual before I let myself get consumed with a fella. By this I mean that I need to acquire some of the things I believe will build my “foundation.” If I have a good and sturdy foundation, I can maybe have a chance at life and a relationship. I won’t feel so inadequate when I am dating someone because I don’t have what they do. Yes, I am well aware that material things don’t mean everything, but it sure does help make you feel better. At least for me, I want to have things by my own volition. I really don’t want anyone – not only a guy – claiming to have created me into what I am. I want to establish myself as the individual I want to be.

Bettasitting update:



Darwin looks deader by the second. He is a funny character, I’ll give you that. This morning he saw it fit to stare at me for minutes on in. I don’t know if he was looking for a glimpse of Shannon in me or wondering who this big-headed alien was staring back at him. He did mange to freak me out a few times. His stares did a get a bit creepy.