here I am again

Thursday, November 29, 2007

here I am again

Where am I today on November 29th, 2007? Today on this warm November morning, I am at either a crossroad or at the end of my life as I have come to know it. One thing that I can never forget is that I am always wrong. No matter how right or justified I think I am, I am not. Someone will always have the upper hand on me. I will forever be under someone else’s control. I have to learn to sit, stand, and speak on command. Free speech and thought don’t belong to me. Although I have been taught to do all these things, I am not supposed to use them. The biggest irony is that everyone is okay with this and that is why they have normal lives. I, on the other hand, have always been against it and have rebelled. How has that worked for me? Not so well. I have managed to survive this long, but apparently I refuse to read the dozens of memos people send me on the subject. To live a normal and quiet life, you have to adhere to everyone’s rules. You, as an individual and as an entity with a school or place of employment, do not exist. Although there is a displayed list of the rights given to you, let’s get real you don’t really have them. Should you choose to act on these rights, you will be strongly reprimanded. You will be the outcast on the island. Adhere to society or be gone with you. So, what am I to do? Do as they say. What other options am I left with? I have been told repeatedly that I am in the wrong. I will never be in the right. I’ve been continuously chastised for doing what I feel like doing. It is time to throw in the towel for me.

Why such not-so-pleasant words? Do you remember the meeting with the dean this morning? As I had predicted, it was not about winning a million dollars. It was because of something “wrong” I had done. Apparently, I am a representative of the school and I am to be as servile and pleasant to all I come in contact with. Should I have a problem, I am to sit on it and suck my thumb. In no instance am I to actually have any negative thoughts or spoken words. I am now ordered to write up a letter about how wrong I am and how I will never do what I did again. Of course, this letter must be submitted within a week or face other disciplinary actions. Will do, Chief? Is there anything else I can do for you today?

So, what do I do? If I fight this, I will be wrong and eventually end up losing even bigger. I will just deal with this how I always deal with everything, not well. It will stew in my core until it will come out on an innocent bystander. Here I go again, I am at the exact same place I always put myself in. I could complain and go on and on about how justified I was, but in the end no one cares. I am the one committing the offense, not them. It will always be my word over the world and the world never loses. The bigger question is where do I go from here? Besides writing that letter, what else do I do with my life? I keep facing the same question and yet have no answer to it. I really hope that one day I will get that answer. Perhaps this could be that day, but who knows. To be quite honest, I feel exactly like Dexter Morgan from Dexter. He has a monster inside which he has to keep hidden from the world. The only difference between him and I is that he succeeds at acting normal and keeping the monster at bay. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to do what he does. Not kill people, but put on this big act for everyone to believe I am one of them.