Chupa Chups

all four at one time

This past Friday, I had all my wisdom teeth removed. There was relatively minor pain, but major swellling. I looked like a chipmunk. It is now about four days post-op and my gums are starting to gnaw. Perhaps it's the stitches or just the fact that it seems the surgeon sewed my checks to my gums, but it is a bit irritating. The one and only thing I am glad about is that this is a one-time thing.

On a different note, my mind was a little wanderish today. I went to work for a few hours and that was cool. I caught up on things and then dashed. Jay and I had a Snapped marathon and slept the rest of the afternoon- a sort of perfect evening. Also, i received a letter from the dorms letting me know about my housing and that I had to return the acceptance letter by Friday. Um, hello, it is dated the 16th and it arrived on the 30th. There is absolutely no way it will get to you in a few days. Talk about snail mail. We need to speed up this mail service thing.

I'm off for some more rest -- god lets hope my mom doesn't decide on an early morning check up again.

to the rest of those i loved

Monday has turned out to be a gloomy and rainy day. Normally I would be ecstatic because it would mean jammies and ice cream, but not today. I just feel like blah.

The weekend wasn’t too bad. Nick came down to visit. It was cool getting to know him, and seeing how much he and Jay still liked each other. If only all break-ups could be that way. Alas, they aren’t. After Nick left, Jay was super sad. I felt bad for the kid. Break-ups are never easy, but he is confident he made the right decision.

Speaking of break-ups, I saw Brian (or at least I think I did). He was wearing a plaid shirt. YUCK! What is he a farmer? Well plaid isn’t too bad, but he just didn’t look too good in it. Besides, what is he doing wearing plaid to work? Albeit he owns the company (or whatever), he should still dress up a bit. At least, he should dress up for his one and true love, Sandy. Hmm….perhaps she strung him along again to devastate him? Oh well…it is none of my concern anymore. That period in my life is SO over with.

What is my concern is the rest of my life and figuring out what to do with it. I have a good twenty or even thirty years to kill. What should I do? Become an astronaut, a teacher, a farmer, a coal mine engineer? Hmm….I haven’t a clue. What I do now is that I need to seriously think about it and get on with it. I have wasted too much time waiting for the answer to just come to me. I need to be more proactive in the things I do.

To infinity and beyond…….

a spurt of goodness

With high spirits, I am looking forward to my future. I am taking a somewhat proactive approach to make something of myself. (Actually, to make myself into the person I always knew I could be.) The sluggish approach I have been taking these past few years have done absolutely nothing for me except keep me in a state of despair. I am well tired with it and I want to move on.

While girls my age were painting their nails and keeping their dresses clean, I was handed expensive suits and told to fill them – well not specifically told, but what do you expect when you have more suits than dresses in your closet. The things in life I want, to quote the Bridiot Vicki Beckham, “are major”, well not big, big, but not what I was accustomed to growing up. I have given up the dream of having a mansion on acres upon acres of land. Instead, I am trading in my Malibu dream house for a loft or brownstone. City dwelling is where it is at for me. On top of the city home, I also want a lake house or winter cabin. Not too much to ask for, right?

I can make these things happened, I know I can. After all, look at my current track record. I have managed to survive and live in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

To be continued…..

oh the grief

Bettasitting:

Darwin is grieve-stricken over the lack of interest from his mother, Shannon.

Darwin, the betta fish, has dug himself in his usual rock and refuses to come out. His stares have become quite empty and sad. I can see he mourns for the love of his mother, Shannon - who has returned today, and has yet to visit him. Today I assured him that he could stay with me for as long as he desired, but, it did not provide him solace, for he remains under his rock. Throughout the day, I tried to entice him to some merry games, but his playful demeanor was a bit down-in-the-dumps. At some point in the day, he gave me a sort of melancholic stare – I honestly thought he might commit suicide, and now I see why his brother, Harold, “killed” himself. It broke my heart.

self-realization

It has come to my attention, in reality my self-realization, that I am jaded when it comes to the opposite sex. Here I thought I was one of the most biased-free people in the world, and I am just like all those judgmental – filled with hatred – people. Throughout the past few months, there have been incidents and research that have shown me the way of my errors. Like most people, my disdain for the opposite sex began with my mother’s innuendos about my father and men in general. It took me over two decades to realize that the only reason I never gave my father a chance was because my mother and family spoke badly of him. He literally died yearning for the love of his daughter, and instead got years of a rock-hard cold shoulder. In many ways, I am brought to shame by my research, but hopeful that I can remedy the situation.

On a similar note and to add to this whole phallic-hating self-realization, I am beginning to question how I can go through with my studies. I have been reading quite a few articles and have yet to spot much female-bashing. It all just seems very scientific. Most of the specimens I have read about do not distinguish between the sexes – although there are few mentions of sexual dimorphisms, these are very minimal. I could argue for a clear distinction, but it would seem like a tougher and futile fight. Besides agreeing with my original hypothesis on how specimens are normally assumed male, I must say, there is barely anything else I could mention that would be worthwhile. I’m hoping that somehow with the impending year of study, I will have more knowledge to approach my thesis.

On to personal stuff:

On my self-realization cruise, I concluded that I need to establish myself as individual before I let myself get consumed with a fella. By this I mean that I need to acquire some of the things I believe will build my “foundation.” If I have a good and sturdy foundation, I can maybe have a chance at life and a relationship. I won’t feel so inadequate when I am dating someone because I don’t have what they do. Yes, I am well aware that material things don’t mean everything, but it sure does help make you feel better. At least for me, I want to have things by my own volition. I really don’t want anyone – not only a guy – claiming to have created me into what I am. I want to establish myself as the individual I want to be.

Bettasitting update:

Darwin looks deader by the second. He is a funny character, I’ll give you that. This morning he saw it fit to stare at me for minutes on in. I don’t know if he was looking for a glimpse of Shannon in me or wondering who this big-headed alien was staring back at him. He did mange to freak me out a few times. His stares did a get a bit creepy.

fishsitting

Fish are wonderful little creatures. They provide you with minutes of entertainment and are easily taken care of. For the next two days, I will be fishsitting Shannon’s Betta, Spike –who I have taken the liberty to rename Darwin. So far, I believe I have done a good job. I fed him early this morning. He did look a little jittery, sort of like he was hooked on caffeine. I was a little worried because that’s how my fish normally look, and that is never a good sign to me. Throughout the morning, his spunk has quickly dwindled. At times, he looks a bit dead. I know that most Bettas look like this, but Darwin had himself folded and we all know that’s also not a good sign. Shannon did mention that he likes to burry himself in the rocks, and boy was she right. He really LOVES to get down in there. Darwin is one weird fish, cute but weird. He is definitely weird. What does he do in there? Haha. In many ways, he is one funny fish. Oh well!

Bastille Day was yesterday and I totally didn’t do anything to commemorate the event. I LOVE Bastille Day! For the past few years, I’ve celebrated it al Frenchie style. What a major bust this year! Hopefully for the next Bastille Day, I can be celebrating it in France.

In other news, I was up and doing my thing again this weekend. I guess once a party animal, always a party animal. It really is like riding a bike, you just never forget. My entourage and I went to Agozar, Ron’s Bar, and Aura. We totally knocked them dead wherever we went. V was out doing her hair toss, Kevin was two-stepping it like nobody’s business, and Natasha and I were, of course, dancing it up on the couches. Sean and the other kid were mellow-yellows at times, but they had their moments. Naveed joined Nat and I most of the time. Overall, it was a classic experience.

Now, it is Monday, and another grueling work week. I guess I should be counting down my days, but I’m not. I’m a little scared, sad, and excited to heading out. Change is something I need – actually, I would say way overdue. Ugh! I have too much to do to prep. Don’t know if I can do all the countries on my list for South America now, so that’s a major bummer. Still haven’t gotten my student visa. I’m waiting on the loan letter. Also, I’m still waiting on the dorm acceptance letter. UGH! One day at a time I guess. One day!

almost time

At the present moment, my crisis has somewhat mellowed down. No longer am I struggling to know what’s going to happen next – well not entirely. I am all about living in the moment again. During the last few weeks of the summer, instead of enjoying my beautiful city- New York, I will be backpacking my way through South America. In reality, I will be traveling to about three to four countries. Since I will be on limited time, I want to make the most out of it. I’m still debating on whether to fly into Quito, Ecuador and trek my way down to Lima, Peru or start in Lima and go down to Cuzco, Peru. Once I have maneuvered myself from the west coast of the continent, I plan to travel southeast to beautiful Argentina for a nice relaxing week dancing tango. Hopefully, I am able to do all this and still have money to eat. Although, now I am somewhat debating on just doing one or two countries so I won’t be so poor when I get back. Unfortunately, I will be trekking on my own, so it will be somewhat expensive. Besides paying for my flight to South America, my hostels, food, and other things, I also need to book my flight to London. Ugh! This is going to be tough considering that I am going to need to find a job immediately because funds will be desperately low. Hmmph! Maybe I should reassess my journey this summer.

On another note, the teacher contacted me last week. I was incredibly shocked and quite frustrated. How dare he? He sent another apologetic text. Really what the heck is that for? Since you sent it at around one am, I am assuming you must’ve been drunk. Honestly, what does he expect from me now. I can’t say that I am completely over it or him, but I am about 60-70 % there. It’s been over a month: from holiday to holiday – Memorial Day until July Fourth. It is a bit ironic how in that month I just picked up and traveled to another country. Guess I am back to my old self.

Enough about that incident, the next order of business is getting me moved. Now that is going to be a little tricky considering that I haven’t submitted my visa application. According to the US loans assistant, I need to get the “letter” to submit to the consulate. I still giggle at the prospect of having to get a visa. At first, I was like Visa is just a credit card. Ha. Boy, oh boy, how secluded we live from the rest of the world. Oh gosh, my only worldly possessions are: a red bookcase, a queen-sized bed with a full-size mattress, a television set with a DVD player, two little blue side things, over twenty pairs of shoes, a ginormous closet full of clothes, books that weigh about one ton, and boxes of memories. The bed and red bookcase, which I love, I am hoping to leave here to loan to C until I get back. As for the little blue things, they can be tossed or given away. I am also hoping to leave the television and DVD as a loaner to C. Guess I’ll have to carry suitcases for all my shoes, clothes, and books. Should I take the boxes of memories?

Memories and my heart are the two major things I’ll be leaving behind in this amazing city. The city I have grown-up in ALL of my life. The only existence I have known is this one. But, like all good things, I must move on. Staying here will only keep me stagnant. I need to face the next step in my life. I need to finally have that future I always knew I was meant to have. Joy, laughter, tears, pain, anguish, etc. have all been experienced here and it is truly the end of a chapter for now. Please know that I’ll always love you and that you are my one and only true love. Until tomorrow New York, you’ll be deeply missed.

traveling through

I’m having many thoughts today, so I figured I would write them down.

South America:

In a mere few weeks, I will hopefully be in South America perfecting my Spanish and Portuguese. The details are not ironed-out as of yet, but hopefully soon they will be. A quick price check at Kayak.com tells me that the best country to fly into is Ecuador. Once there, I plan to stay about two or three days. My next stop will be Peru, followed by Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay, and concluding in Brazil. Realistically looking at things, I believe my best bet is to leave out either Uruguay or Paraguay because I will only be done there for three weeks or so. I’m actually quite excited to be doing a trip like this. I want to really “rough it” – to an extent, of course. Stack on my big backpack with my sleeping bag and prepare to sleep under the stars with the wild animals. I’m planning to climb the Andes, visit the Amazon (would totally love to see the Yanamamo), visit Macchu Picchu, dance tango, and go rafting in Peru, among other things. Unfortunately, my research tells me that, because the Galapagos is such a tourist attraction, it is also a very expensive place to visit – maybe next time. Reading about it and preparing for it makes me more excited. For the most part of my life, traveling has been a major goal – visit as many places as possible. Thus far, I have been to following:

- Rome (Italy)
- Florence (Italy)
- Bologna (Italy)
- Milan (Italy)
- Brescia (Paspardo and some other towns in Valle Camonica)
- London (UK)
- Dominican Republic (DR)
- Vail (CO)
- Denver (CO)
- Las Vegas (NV)
- Miami (FL)
- Greensboro (NC)
- D.C.
- Philadelphia (PA)
- Poconos (PA)
- Bushkill Falls (PA)
- Oswego (NY)
- Chappaqua (NY)
- Geneva (NY)
- Plattekill (NY)
- Kingston (NY)
- Boston (MA)
- New Haven (CT)
- Point Pleasant/Jersey Shore, West New York, Paramus, Paterson (NJ)
- Stopped in random parts of VA and MD

Considering that not many people can afford much, I have surely seen plenty. I am fortunate to have seen these things and should be very grateful.

Let’s see where I stand with my list.

Bold Places I've been
Italics places that will be completed with this trip.

1- London, United Kingdom
2- Wales, United Kingdom
3- Dublin, Ireland
4- Shannon, Ireland
5- Lisbon, Portugal
6- Madrid, Spain
7- Barcelona, Spain
8- Marbella, Spain
9- Andalucia, Spain
10- Amsterdam, The Netherlands
11- Belgium, Brussels
12- Frankfurt, Germany
13- Nice, France
14- Paris, France
15- Monaco
16- Rome, Italy
17- Venice, Italy
18- Parma, Italy
19- Florence, Italy
20- Sicily, Italy
21- Alps, Switzerland
22- Warsaw, Poland
23- Athens, Greece
24- Norway
25- Sweden
26- Finland
27- Russia
28- Prague
South America
29- Caracas, Venezuela
30- Quito, Ecuador
31- Galapagos, Ecuador
32- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
33- Lima, Peru
34- Santiago, Chile
35- Andes Mountains, Chile
36- Argentina
Central America
37- Honduras
38- Panama
39- Costa Rica
40- Guatemala
Australia
41- Sidney
42- Melbourne
North America
43- Cozumel, Mexico
44- Cancun, Mexico
45- Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
46- Acapulco, Mexico
47- Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
48- Cabos San Lucas, Mexico
49- Playa de Las Mujeres, Mexico (I think that is what its called)
50- Montreal, Canada
51- Quebec, Canada
52- Toronto, Canada
53- Vancouver, Canada
54- Nova Scotia, Canada
55- Los Angeles, CA
56- San Francisco, CA
57- San Diego, CA
58- Juno, Alaska
59- Phoenix, Arizona
60- Aspen, CO
61- Vail, CO
62- Maui, HI (we can crash with Josh)
63- New Orleans, LA
64- Maine
65- New Jersey (ha!)
Asia
66- East Timor
67- Java, Indonesia
68- Bali, Indonesia
69- Singapore
70- Malaysia
71- Cambodia
72- Thailand
73- Laos
74- Sir Lanka
75- India (of course)
76- Vietnam
77- China
78- Japan
Middle East
79- Israel (after the wars---which will be never)
80- Pakistan
81- Turkey
82- Iran
83- Petra, Jordan (def. need to see the lost city of stone)

In essence, once I go to SA, I would have crossed out six more places from my list.

at new heights

New heights have been reached in this post-teacher phase, i.e., I have succumbed to ye ol’ high school tricks. I won’t clarify which one just in case “big brother” is watching or perhaps the teacher himself. (Isn’t it lovely to be so paranoid in this world?) It has gotten so bad that I have now recruited other people to help me. These high school hijinks should have been out of my system by now, but they aren’t. In my defense, I didn’t do enough of them in high school so I definitely have some in me to spare. But, one day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, I will out grow this and grow up. The famous and eternal love optimist, Ms. Charlotte York aka Mrs. Trey McDougal aka Mrs. Harry Goldenblatt, once said that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over him. I am seriously hoping she is right because I don’t know how much of this I can take. Some days I am totally normal and other days I am just spirally out of control. The best thing that came out of this is that I am not longer as scared to fall “in love” as I once was. Shockingly, I am not as distraught as I thought I would be. The feelings and hurt were there, but the one good thing that came out of it was hope. I now have hope that one day I can share my life with someone. Few are the days spent dreading any emotional connection with another individual. Now I actually welcome it. I guess I have finally reached a point where I am OK with trying and failing. Please believe that that is a huge shocker for me. Any pain, even the most minimal, will send me recoiling to my former self. I am now willing, and hopeful, when it comes to facing the world.

One of the single most helpful things I do when I am in pain or feeling out of it, is to work on myself as an individual. By working on the things I want and need, I distract myself from my pain. I try my hardest to keep the focus on myself and not get consumed with the emotions. In many ways, it is a positive approach, but I have come to the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to give out a good cry. After all, experiencing the gloomy emotions help you grow more as an individual. I believe the saying goes like this: “to know love is to know pain”. Alls I know is that pain sucks and that somehow you can’t escape it. By knowing pain is that you learn to enjoy and appreciate the other things in your life. So, I know I will never escape pain, but perhaps now I can learn to live with it better.

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m mad and frustrated. Why? I don’t know. I don’t want to effing look into it. I just want to be mad. Since I’m not in a good place right now, why the eff won’t people leave it at that. Why does there have to be something deeper? Well, let’s see, for starters, my life isn’t always peachy. The boy is gone, had a not-so-good meeting with Katie, people call me to effing sleep with me, my boss is a control freak, etc. The list goes on and on. Leave me the fuck ALONE! I don’t want to delve into my inner thoughts to find out why I am fucked up. I’m just FUCKED UP! UGH! ARGH! FUCK! ($(%)&_#$%_(#)($)(#)$(_(#)$%)

an eventful weekend

Nine in the morning and where am I? Why doing laundry. I thinks I may have grown up just a tad. For some reason, waking up early during the weekends (which usually means stepping outside at around 11) makes me feel good. The day just turns out better. I feel more productive than ever. If only work allowed the same comforts. Alas, it doesn’t and by 9:30 I must be seated at the torture chamber. I am especially proud of myself this morning because I am somewhat organized. The plan goes as follows:

Wake up at around 8 or 9 to do laundry
Be at midtown by 11:15
After midtown head on over to the folks’ place
Seeing as the folks take forever, either stay with them or head on over for
Some nice horseback riding
By 6 or 7 head back home for Dorothy’s birthday soiree
9:30 – 10:00 be at the soiree
10 and beyond, party the night away

Seems like an awesome plan if I do say so, and I do say so.

Tomorrow, although sucker-free, I planned to have brunch with Katie and a late lunch with Dee. Before and after, I have planned absolutely nothing. They don’t call it sucker-free for nothing.

As for my loss, it still hurts, but I am slowly getting better day-by-day. Last night, I didn’t expect anything, and I was fine. I rented Volver and Catch & Release and enjoyed them – well not so much Catch & Release, I totally expected more.

For now, I must be off. Have to get ready for midtown. Until we meet again.

exhaling

Dwelling on a loss isn’t good. Yes, I am still in mourning over the loss of the teacher. Sometimes I just can’t help but try to figure out what went wrong. The only logical explanation I came up with is that it all started going down hill the day I asked him to be exclusive. Perhaps I hurt some male ego or asked him for something he couldn’t give. Folks it wasn’t a kidney, but I understand. As I explained to him, I just wanted something more but not an all out love affair. From what I could remember, ever since that day everything just got sour. After all, we only lasted about three more weeks after that. I was definitely disillusioned and something changed in me. I guess something changed in him as well. Who truly knows? I sure as hell don’t. For now, I will pretend it was just that. I won’t entertain the fact that he met someone and started getting serious. If that was the case, I am definitely no one to judge because towards the end I was dating two other guys. It just saddens me to see how something so great fell so quickly. I know what your next question is going to be. Well, if it was that great, why did it fail? It was great for me because it was the first time I trusted and let my guard down. Yes, he wasn’t all I wanted and I am sure I wasn’t all he wanted. It was a fairy tale two months. I am starting to let go. I’m exhaling…..

revealing dreams

Unexpectedly, I am being ushered into a room, where dozens of students are hard at work on tests, to take a standardized test I didn’t study for or even know I was scheduled to take. As I am being sat down at my desk, I look around the room at the giggling faces and wonder what the hell I am doing in there. In the back of the room, way across to the other side, I see a very familiar silhouette, it was the teacher. Wearing his usual attire, blue-hooded sweatshirt and jeans, I notice his eyes meet mine. I felt a stir in my stomach, was it the breakfast I didn’t have or the pain I felt because we weren’t together anymore? Who knows, but I decided to approach him. He stands up and looks as dashing as ever. As I come closer, the room begins to move around. I’m being pushed in the opposite direction. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Here I am being told I have to take a test and all I want to do is go to the teacher and perhaps confront him.

Scene Two:
I am in another room and the teacher appears. This time he is not alone. He is accompanied by some dark-haired girl named April. He tells me he likes her and that they are “involved”. Naturally, I assume that she is the reason our “thing” ended. It hurt to see them together, but at the same time I felt some peace of mind to know the why. Many things happened and it seemed I had yet another chance with him.

The only reason I remember any part of these dreams is because I woke up to pain, anguish, and heartache. During the day, I busy myself with work or other productive things. I try my hardest to suppress any feelings I may have towards the teacher. If it wasn’t for these dreams, I doubt I will ever know how much this situation has affected me. Ironically, a few months ago, I dreaded this moment and thought it would devastate me. So far, it hasn’t turned out too bad. It still hurts, but not as badly as I thought it would.

Anyway, I am glad I am dealing with this situation in one way or another. Hopefully, writing out my feelings and my dreams will help me out in the long run.

he is just not that into you....thanks Greg

It has come to my attention that certain guys can truly be scum. Now don’t get me wrong because I don’t believe this true for all; however, the ones I date can certainly be. After a somewhat lucrative dating month (May), June has turned out to be a rather slow one for me. Better yet, I should say that it has started off horribly. I welcomed the first weekend of June in London where I was visiting Chris, trying to forget teach, and just escaping. Almost all three of my purposed reasons for going turned out to be disastrous. Not only was Chris just himself, but I was still having trouble forgetting about the teacher. On top of Chris being himself, the last night I was there I was made to feel horrible about myself and my self-worth. Chris brought a lovely girl home that night which he had planned to shag. Yes, you’ve heard correctly. He obviously suffered from momentary amnesia if he thought he could so easily bring a girl home while I was crashing. Nevertheless, I am sure that his plans to shag her were completely ruined by my presence there. Thank the lord baby Jesus for that one. I would have been completely mortified to hear their “love” making in action. Truly, how insensitive of a person could you be to bring a girl home knowing that a girl you once shagged is crashing for the weekend? At any rate, besides the incident with Chris, I had a lovely time in London. Now I am facing my second weekend sort of broke and sadden by the lack of interest from the teacher. I guess it goes to show you that guys are just guys. If they were truly into you, than they would be on you like a bad skin rash. In the infamous words of Greg, “He is just not that into you”, and that is what I have to keep telling myself. So, to remedy my sadness I will be taking my plastic out for a spin. It will buy me a new outfit this weekend. Thanks Amex! You sure do make a girl feel great!