Chupa Chups: 2008

almost done

Thanksgiving and Christmas have passed and now all that is left is New Year’s Eve. Who knows where I’ll be but by golly gee it won’t be in some overpriced club. Gosh I can’t believe they charge people 200 dollars just to get into the door. I mean it’s a good thing drinks are included but still I don’t usually spend 200 dollars a night on drinks.

So we have an out of town friend staying with us for the week. He seems pleasant enough but who knows where we’ll be in a few days time. Alls I know is that I’m going to do what I need to do to survive. He really isn’t my friend so I don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate him. My out of town guests come in February so until then I have all the time in the world to prepare for their arrival.

grateful

I am so grateful that today has turned out to be one of the most relaxing and serene days I’ve had. Early morning yoga at 7am, great relaxing shower with music, arriving to work early, healthy breakfast, afternoon meditation, healthy and hearty lunch, fun and exciting dating blog reading, and not to mention, a very productive work day.

I am so grateful for: my life; my health, having money to buy food; the ability and motivation to go to the gym; my motivation to persevere in life; my job; friends; family; my beautiful city that is NYC; the grungy things that make up my beautiful city.

the leaf has been turned

Only by the grace of God did I wake up this morning around 6 to make my 7am yoga class. Although the yoga class wasn’t as intensive as I expected, it was pretty nice to have a small class and an empty gym. Showering to some Christmas jazz was also a fabulous way to start the morning off right. However, getting splashed with dirty rain water by a speeding car is definitely not a great start. Just like the water rolled off me so did the negative attitudes that the event normally brings. Even more shockingly to my wonderful morning is that I arrived at work early! Not 15 minutes late but early. I made myself some hot oatmeal and had a banana and tea for a beverage. All in all, I would say I’m having a rather peaceful and productive morning. To turn matters to somewhat of a sour note, I’ve gained weight, dramatically. In the past two to three months, I’ve gained about 10 pounds. I weigh almost as much as my pregnant friend, who is 8 months pregnant. My body definitely shows signs of weight increase through the newly formed stretch marks and my protruding belly and buttocks. Of course, now my clothes don’t fit. I find myself having to wear skirts a lot more often because my jeans will not button. Slowly though I’m starting to get to the right frame of mind. I signed up for the gym last Thursday and so far have only missed two days. The first night I signed up I decided to go for a little 20 minute run and low and behold I hurt myself because I didn’t stretch. My leg is still in pain but it’s getting a whole lot better.

On the academic front, I finally checked my grades and I did indeed pass my dissertation. Not by much but I passed. Considering that the word count was half of what it should’ve been and that I totally half-assed the discussion session, I am definitely grateful. Also, I finally saw the grades for my other class and overall not bad. They are not my usual grades but considering that it was a totally different education system than the one I’m accustomed to I would say I did pretty ok.

Seeing as I half-ass everything in my life. I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. My half-assing days are over. I’m going to try my best at things. I’m going to finally chase my dream of having my PhD. I’m going to start my own research firm. I’m going to live the lifestyle I’ve always wanted to. As for the significant other, that will come in time. For now I’m too self conscious to chase anyone. I need to heal inside and now outside as well.

So…Namaste…peace to you all.

pumping iron

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling very down and out. I was not satisfied with my body and my stress levels were through the roof. So I decided that it was best to join a gym once again. After being treated horribly by both New York Sports Club and Crunch (for the second time), I decided to go with New York Health and Racquet Club. They even gave me a free smoothie for signing up, which I’m positive, was not one of the bonuses for joining. The staff was really friendly and the facilities are great. An interesting bonus I found when signing up was that there were no one price for one gym and another price for having access to all the gyms. The one price covered it all. Although the gym that’s across the street from my house does not have a steam room, which I adore, it does have a boulder rock and a whirlpool. The other locations all have pools and steam rooms I can def. use. The only concern I truly have is the monthly fee, which is a bit steep for me, but considering what I would be getting, nice staff, great equipment, pool, whirlpool, bouldering rock, I think it’s worth it. I would definitely pay more for a place I feel truly comfortable in than a place I despise with rude staff and a fee for using their towels.

In other news, I’m hoping that by signing up to the gym and getting in regular exercise I can let go of some stress and excess poundage. I must admit that I am still bored, lost, and so apathetic about a lot of things. My days still consist of just going to work and coming back home but I’m hoping that I can soon change that.

where it hurts

Ugh! I feel horrible! Why won’t these negative feelings go away? I’ve been frustrated, disappointed, and all the negative these past two days. I wish they would just make a magic pill so that all these feelings would just go away.

Things I’m irritated at:
My roommates- they are disgusting
Myself- for feeling this way and various other reasons
Life- because who else can you really blame but life

I’ve been trying to write down my feelings to see if that helps reduce it but it doesn’t. Running sometimes is out of the question bc I don’t have a good time to run. I’ve attempted to do it before work but it’s too dark; after work is also too dark. Ugh! What am I going to do with myself? I’m dissatisfied with everything and everyone. It’s like someone turned on my bitch switch.

insecure

Procrastination- why do I do it?

Hello. My name is &(*(U()*)((*. I am a chronic procrastinator. I procrastinate because I feel unable to do a task. I feel as if I will automatically get a negative outcome. My self worth diminishes when I’m faced with any task. My train of thought is usually that I am stupid, incompetent, and not capable enough to pull something off. I’m insecure about my work output. I constantly believe that my work is not good enough. I feel as if others do a better job of things than I do. Besides others being better than me, I feel as if it takes me twice and sometimes three times as long to get something, which in turn makes me feel even more incompetent. I am not a perfectionist. Most of my things are in chaos. Although in the surface they may look as if they are neatly put away, when you open a drawer or closet door you’ll be able to see the dysfunction that is my life. It is exactly how I portray myself to the world. I may seem independent and fully capable to do many things but in the inside I don’t feel as capable. I sometimes don’t feel as if I can truly make it. Whenever I decide to do something it is usually after I’ve had an epic battle with myself. Part of me thinks I can’t do anything or really amount to much and the other part of me feels that the presidency is looming in 15 years. I’m in a constant state of battle with my negative thoughts. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed because I wait until the last minute to do things. I wait until the last minute to do things because I feel incompetent. I feel incompetent because I compare myself to others and see how quickly they pick up things. I don’t pick up things as quickly as others because my head is somewhere else. My head is somewhere else because I sometimes find things boring and not entertaining. I find things boring and unentertaining because I feel as if I know better or I don’t agree with them. I feel as if I know better because I am not as open minded as I think I am. I like patterns, which are sometimes OCD in nature. I like patterns because it means I know what’s going to come next. I like to know what’s going to happen next. I feel unsafe if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I look at things from all angles to make sure I know what’s going to happen next.

enrolling at Harvard for fall 2010

So the results for my dissertation are out and I am terrified to check them. For one, I’m really afraid I failed. As my supervisor said, failing the dissertation means failing too much. So in a way I want to keep the mystery and the hope that I passed. I guess I just want to be oblivious to the outcome for as much as I can. I know eventually I’ll have to find out but for now I just want to keep the illusion that I possibly passed. In any case, I’m moving on. Whether the results are positive or negative, I’m moving on and I won’t let it stop me from realizing the only dream I’ve ever had of obtaining my PhD. So…….I’ve been requesting application packs and prospectus from several schools. I’m even contemplating applying to Harvard. Hey…what do I have to lose at this point? The application fee? A bit of dignity? Who knows, I may even get in and get a second chance. Quite honestly at this point I could care less if I get in as a minority student. I know plenty of people who’ve used unconventional ways to get into grad school. I’m shooting for fall 2010. I figured it would give me enough time to make me a desirable candidate. Hey. The first time was a bust, the second time was a win, and who knows what the third time will bring. See you in the fall of 2010 Harvard!

Now the only thing I have to decide is how to properly apply to both the PhD and JD programs.

self worth, is it worth it and what is it?

Do you know what self worth means? I have somewhat of a vague idea of what it is but to truly give you a proper definition I am completely lost. I always took self worth to mean exactly what the two words stood for. Self- yourself and your view; worth- value….you put them together you have self value, how you value yourself, what you think of your self. It such a simple concept but so many have trouble identifying it in them, including myself. Last night a friend asked me about self worth and I was completely clueless; I did not know how to answer her. I always thought I had somewhat of an idea of my worth but I never defined it, not even to myself. I felt sort of foolish. I felt as if I was hit with the duh stick. Something so simple and yet I can’t properly define it for myself. What is my self worth? I don’t know. “I don’t know” is a horrible answer to things. She makes me realize that saying “I don’t know” means you are not trying to answer the question. It is almost as if you don’t care enough to attempt to answer it. I mean it is completely ok to not know something, but at least an attempted answer is good. So, back to self worth, let’s see what the dictionaries say.

Wiki-In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth

Random site-
Self-worth is frequently based on our feelings of worth in terms of our skills, achievements, status, financial resources, or physical attributes. This kind of self-esteem or self-worth often cultivates an independent and arrogant attitude. When we find ourselves not measuring up to society’s criteria for worth, we suffer serious consequences. Our self-worth depreciates dramatically. The illusion of being successful and admired gives way to disillusionment as our possessions and achievements that once nourished our souls fail to satisfy our appetites. Every individual experiences basic needs -- hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc. We are conditioned to satisfy these needs by getting something -- food, drink, or rest. Mistakenly we conclude that by getting, we will achieve an acceptable self-worth/esteem.

Nothing depreciates self-worth faster than regret, anger, or fear. For four years, Kelly worked in sales. If she achieved her monthly quota and bonuses, her self-worth soared with her supervisor’s praise. Like a barometer, her self-worth plummeted as she received criticism during non-productive cycles.

One day Kelly marched into work, carrying a large box. One by one she placed pictures of her family and cards from friends as positive reminders. She renewed her self-worth by considering ways she could give something personal to each client or co-worker -- a word of encouragement, a sympathetic ear, or a prayer for their circumstances. “In the beginning, I felt like such a failure when not getting sales that I practiced self-depreciation. But after I dedicated myself to giving not getting, I had an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. It was as if I was losing the ability to worry!”

There is a great example of this in the Bible. The apostle Paul “learned the secret of living in every situation” (Philippians 4:11-13). Self-esteem is an attitude of respect for and contentment with oneself based on the recognition of one’s abilities and acceptance of one’s limitations.

self-worth Definition
self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)
noun
one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

Based on the definitions above, I did have a pretty good clue of what it was- or at least its definition. However, do I live or have it. To an extent I think I do. I mean who doesn’t want to achieve things. I know I do. Yes society pressures you to do great and punishes you when you fail. I guess the main purpose of self worth is valuing oneself as an individual without the external. Successes or failures shouldn’t define who you are as a human being. It’s tough to acknowledge but it’s true. SO the big question at hand. WHO AM I AS A HUMAN BEING? As part of the human race, I know I have value as soon as I am conceived. But what else do I want for myself? Regardless of successes or failures, what makes me happy and makes me feel whole? I don’t know. I guess will have to find out together.

so tired

I think I slept way too many hours last night. I’ve been exhausted the whole entire day. I can barely stay up; not to mention that the office is almost empty and that those that are here barely make any noise. Sometimes I wish my job was more entertaining. Perhaps screaming matches on the phone or pranks set by other coworkers. Hmph…if only.

Besides the astronomically boring work day I’ve had, I must say that my week has been rather productive. I’ve managed to keep busy until at least 10 each night. Running around from workshop or class; it’s fun but a bit exhausting and I barely get to catch up on my Gossip Girl.

OH GOD…not even writing helps me. This is serious. If only coffee worked for me.

tuesdays

Tardiness is not next to godliness, or so I’ve been told. Lately I just can’t seem to get anywhere on time. I need to develop better time management skills.

Here I go again. Sit in my little swivel chair, type in this little notebook, have meaningless small talk with my neighbor, and of course pray to god I can manage to stay awake and focused for eight hours. Is not that I don’t appreciate or like my job, it’s just that I would like to do something that pays better. My student loans aren’t going to pay themselves on a minimum wage job. Who knows what kind of person or where I’ll be in a few months time; I just hope that I am slightly happier than I am now. I want my life to be more meaningful. I want to wake up everyday excited to go outside and interact with the world- however cruel or nice it may be that day. When I come home, I want it to be welcoming, cozy, and chic. There’s a lot of wants in those last few sentences. I honestly don’t think that those wants are too ostentatious to have. In general all I need is a roof, a bed, food, and an activity for the day. Eh who knows…. Perhaps something will sparkle inside of me.

I should get back to the basics, think somewhat practical, and stop being a gypsy as my friend calls me.

where's my life jacket?

Merely a year ago I was completely debt-free, minus the credit card bill that was more than manageable. However, this Christmas I sing another tune, the tune of debt. After taking out massive student loans, I am trying my hardest to keep afloat. I’m managing if only by the grace of god but I need to remove myself from all this heavy debt. Thus far I have two massive debts: my student loans and my credit card bill. The student loan I know I’ll have with me for years so I’m sort of ok with that if that’s the only big bill I have. The credit card debt is still somewhat manageable but once the second student loan repayment kicks in it will probably become a burden. Besides those debts, I have two that I truly want to get out of the way immediately. One is the security deposit return for my former roommate. Since she vacated the apartment and left it for me, I was supposed to give her the security deposit she put down. I truly want to give her the security because she, too, is struggling and is soon expecting a little one in January….hence why I want to give her the cash she needs before than. She’s been really great to me and I truly appreciate that. On top of her generosity throughout our living together, she has not once pressured me for her money back and I’ve been living in the apartment since September. The other debt that I truly want to rectify is the security deposit of my current roommate/friend that I had to sort of use. When I moved back I was completely and I mean completely broke. The first paycheck didn’t come soon enough and of course it wasn’t enough to cover the mounting money I had to dish out. Once I’m done with both of these, I really only have my regular monthly bills: rent, phone, utility, etc. It seems really stressful and it is but hopefully I’ll learn to cope and gain some much needed serenity now.

As a form of cheap entertainment and to reduce some stress, I joined a meditation group. Last night was my first class and I loved it. It wasn’t pretentious or anything like that it was just some good old, straight forward meditation. We meditate for 45 minutes, shared what we experienced, and finished off with some metta meditation.

Inner thoughts- This is so stressful. I’m feeling overwhelmed with debt and with life. I need help. Perhaps that Cigna stress management program will work. Ha. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. I just need to take it easy and slowly.

swimming my way through

The United States of America has its first biracial (yes, not solely black) president in its 200 plus years of existence. Gosh…it took over 200 plus years for the first, not fully white, male president to be elected. Should I be holding my breathe 200 plus more years for the first woman president or merely 80? Well all and all I’m pretty OK with the decision made. I can’t complain much, after all this country is in the shitter anyway. Let’s see what he does.

As for my own life, its there. The heart is ticking, the lungs are inhaling and exhaling, and my brain is semi-functioning half of the time. What can I say other than I feel like I’m in my old rut again. I know this should be a perfect opportunity for me to get out of it, seeing as I’m aware of it, but I’m not motivated enough. This job is draining. It drains my life away. When I get home I’m just too exhausted to do anything, at least nothing productive but what TV. I’m like so caught up on all this bullshit. I truly dislike spending countless hours of my life just watching other people live their own; but at the same time, I’m too exhausted to do anything else that requires much brain power. I need to figure a way out of this. I like writing out my feelings but at the same time its just so darn depressing. I would much rather be writing about the adventures I’m having. Perhaps if I write down my adventures they’ll come true. Hmm…there’s an idea.

Adventure:
On a mild and humid day in November, I decide to cool off by going for a swim. Since the train ride to the beach is way too long, I decide that its best to try the Hudson River. As I pass by the droves of slow moving pedestrians, I notice the beauty that is the architecture of New York and lose myself in a daze, almost forgetting what my purpose was in walking west. Finally I reach the West Side highway, which is easily noticeable through all the smog and the speeding cars. As I wait for the light to turn, I can see the dozens of runners, cyclists, and rollerbladers on the paved road across the highway. Crossing in the designated pedestrian walkway is a mission on its own. You think its all smooth sailing because the light is for you to walk but nope you have to dodge cars coming at you from another direction. So as I finally arrive at the other side of the highway, I am greeted by a speeding drove of cyclists, who look like they are going to kill me if I don’t move out of their way. Who knew being a pedestrian would be so hard, you’d think they would offer us some sort of workshop titled “How to Walk in the Streets of New York Without Getting Killed by Taxis, Cyclists, Runners, and Other Pedestrians.” So here I am at my desired destination, I look for a spot that looks like a good jumping position and off I go. As I start with my breast stroke, I suddenly realize how panicky I get when I’m in water that’s over 5 feet deep. “Oh Crap!” Here I go in doggy paddle mode back to the boardwalk but first I have to remove all this gosh darn rubbish that’s in my way. When they said the Hudson River was dirty, they weren’t kidding. Ugh! “What is this? A six-pack plastic… grrrrr.” Back on the boardwalk I notice some people gawking at me in amazement. Eeh…I shrug and lay down to enjoy the beautiful foggy sky in that mild and humid November day.

whirlwinds

What a whirlwind of a week I’ve had. Let’s do a short recap: bystander in a very dramatic relationship on Sunday, blood bath on Monday, and transfer on Wednesday.

Drama-
When it comes to daytime soap operas, I’m definitely a fan. However, when it comes to real life drama, I am so not. While having an expensive drink at a very empty and chic place, my friend’s boyfriend rings him up to see what he’s up to. In the middle of my finishing up my pink (yes, pink) dumplings, I was left a lone soldier on the battlefield. How did it play out? Read below:
Boyfriend: Where are you?
Friend: I’m having a drink with my friend.
Boyfriend: I know you are not drinking.
Me: Inappropriately chiming in a hello.
Boyfriend: blah, blah, blah, you drink and we are over.
Friend: blah, blah, what about this and blah what about blah
Me: Hmmm…this drink is pink, the leather (slightly uncomfortable couch) is pink, the walls are pink, the dumplings are pink…way to love the color pink…ouch these shoes are pinching me.

Drama like this is why I dislike relationships. Really…have one more glass of wine and we are through? Come on! Every phone call or text my friend receives is like where are you? Gosh can you be any more distrusting. But whatever…not my relationship.

Blood bath-
According to the president of my company, 60% of our business was lost. The company stock keeps plummeting and so does my 401k. Since business is suffering, 20% of the staff had to be cut back. Monday morning was one of the most upsetting experiences for all of us. People who have been with the company for years had to be let go, I was so devastated. The one good thing that came out of it was that we all went out for a drink afterwards to support our fallen. I’m definitely appreciative that I wasn’t one of the 20% but I’m also on pins and needles now. Who knows when the second or third rounds will commence? Business doesn’t seem to be picking up much. However, I do think that we are being very supportive to the company by doing our best to help out to get more business. This is truly a family and a wonderful experience.

Transfer-
Yup….although I was spared from the killing, I wasn’t spared completely. I’m being transferred to another department. I truly love my department and would totally love to stay here. The other department seems odd and they don’t have free lunch for their meetings. This blows. I’m definitely sad but glad I got that instead of being laid off.

Who knows what will happen next week? Right now the Dow is down 7% and I’m sure so is my 401k. We definitely need changes. I’m stressed to the max and need to relax. I also want to get on with my life wherever that leads me. I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m scared. Ugh….I’m getting a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach- no it’s not the runs or something. Every time people go in and out of the office or gather around, it totally freaks me out. I want comfort. I want support. I need to do something about my situation.

stitch

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. Do you hear that? It feels like my life is set on a time bomb. Once my life was all sweet, I had the option to defer my dissertation, I lived in another country, and I was not working. Unfortunately, my reality has set in. According to my supervisor, it is nearly impossible to get a deferral for your dissertation. She is really stressing I hand it in on time, which is seriously bad news for me. It is mostly bad news because I have seriously been slacking off. For the first four months, I was literally sleeping. I watched season, not just episodes, but seasons upon seasons of television shows. I did do some literature review but it was definitely not much. Now I am down to the last wire and I am sinking. With only 2 thousand words, I am sinking incredibly fast in the dissertation race. The length I need to reach for is no more than 20,000, which puts me at a 10% mark. If I’m going to do all this on time, I need to increase this bad boy to about 70% and definitely before the deadline…because, oh yeah, I have to FedEx and pray it arrives on time. UGH! Why do I procrastinate so much?!

Besides having to deal with the dissertation, I also have to resume some form of normal, adult life. I have to pay my bills and this means I have to be working full time. My student loans going into repayment within a few weeks and I am terribly scared. SCARED! God help me.

Gosh…when will I get to fully enjoy life. 

back

Back on home territory and I feel weird—almost as if I don’t belong. Everything looks ten times dirtier than what I remember it to be. I’m definitely trying really hard to remember why I decided to come back to this place. What I do know for certain is that I don’t want to stay in the same dead end zone forever. It’s about time I stepped into the real world or at least took a step forward to any form of career. Plain and simple, I need money. These loans won’t pay themselves and they will soon go into repayment. Its stressful and totally emotional but I know I came back with somewhat of a purpose-- to have some sort of settled life. Eventually I know I want to settle here but it seems like I have way too much to discover. I need to continue to be somewhat proactive and try to move at least a little bit forward in life. Not to forget, I still have a 15,000-word thesis to hand in. Yikes!

lows and highs

Facing yet another hectic tornado- moving time. As I’m sure many will agree, moving is the absolute worst experience in the world, yet I have no idea why I do it so often. Apparently, the longer the distance, the more expensive the move. To begin with, I’m almost flat broke. After not having worked for an entire year, which I am tremendously grateful for, I have to be able to afford this whole move on nickels and dimes. My current stress levels are over the roof. I’m pretty sure that I am in line for an early stroke. I have to keep telling myself to keep it simple because otherwise I’m going to sink quicker into the quicksand. My current internal debate is whether to furnish my apartment straight away or hold off for months. Quite honestly, regardless of how long I wait, furnishing is no cheap task. I can only sleep on my airbed but for so long, and really how empty will the living room, kitchen, and bathroom have to be. Eventually, I’m going to need shower curtains, a couch, and dinner/cookware.

On the other spectrum is my student loans. Those, unfortunately, won’t go away so quickly. Although I am very keen on lobbying to have them forgiven, I know I’ll have to pay a good chunk of them very soon. It’s not that I’m cheap, well somewhat, is just that education should be a god given right, god dammit- sorry lord baby J. Truly though I am very grateful for having the opportunity to have student loans. Those bad boys have helped me survive for an entire year without wanting much. I was still able to afford tuition, transport, food, shelter, travel, and partying. God bless those shitty student loans.

Onwards I face my credit card debt, which I’m not too worried about. I think it is pretty manageable. I’m not like my crazy aunt who has as much credit card debt as my student loans. What a nut job?! Really who charges so much for furnishings and renovations without a job?! Apparently she should’ve thought about paying back her credit card before she quit her job. Older people nowadays, jeez!

Instead of focusing on this mountain of negativity I have, I should be truly focusing on my blessings. I am still alive, despite swearing I would die by now. There are millions of people living with terminal illnesses which have the best and sunniest dispositions on life. Here I am a sulking Sally, whining about all my problems and my woes instead of living my life properly. On that lead, my health is relatively good. I have free health insurance now, and soon I’ll be able to afford health insurance in the States. Again, millions of people can’t even afford the insurance or haven’t seen a doctor/dentist in ages. Another positive is that I have a home to call my home. An apartment, in a great and lively area, that many would kill to have. Best of all, I’ve lived in many areas like this that many people again would kill to live in. Food, you cannot discount the food. I’ve been fed all the days of my life. If I truly don’t have money, I have people’s fridges to free load off of. I also have a well paying job that I truly enjoy, with people that are awesome and laid back. Best of all, I have the best support network. I have hundreds of people I can talk to and who are willing to help. Truly, I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed and whine about life, I have a great one.

Oh…best, best, best of all, I have an Ipod.  Music helps with a lot of things.

my dirt

Tardiness-

For the last four years, I’ve been at least ten minutes late to everything. Normally I was the one who arrived ten minutes earlier, now I just can’t seem to ever make it on time anywhere.

Procrastination-

It’s gone from somewhat average to seriously detrimental. Days-upon-days I just spend procrastinating. Wasting my time with useless things. Watching hours-upon-hours of TV shows, fixing other people’s problems instead of mine, and leaving everything until the last minute.

Appearance-

As some say, you can tell a lot about a person by just looking at them. Well for me that means I look like a 12-year-old school boy. For months I have seriously not combed my hair. Instead I just wash it and tie it up. I don’t do a darn thing to it. When it becomes to unmanageable, I just wash my hair and retie it. My clothes are so old they have holes all over them. I’m down to about one pair of jeans. Almost all of my jeans have tears in the inner thigh/crotch area. I don’t know if its that I’m too fat, washing them in the wrong setting or that they are just being made cheaper, but almost all have a tear down there. Most of my sneakers are in the same boat. I have a pair of Vans that have to gaping holes through them; I’m not kidding, you can stick your fingers through them and it would come out through the other side.

Whining-

I seem to whine about everything. The way my life is going. The lack of good people around me. My shithole situations sometimes. The fact that I have too many choices. Instead of just rejoicing in the fact that I have more than one option, I constantly dwell into well…I don’t know phase. I whine about how difficult it is for me to make a decision. Millions don’t get the opportunities I get and all I can do is whine about not know what to do.

Eating-

I eat so much junk food. You name it, I’ve probably eaten it. Last week I ate a whole jar of fluff in two days. Every day I drink soda and eat chips. I eat veggies and fruits about once every two weeks. If my food isn’t microwaveable, I don't make it. Well…I think it’s a way better deal than me cooking. Last night I tried to have a “real” meal by making pasta and I almost burnt down the place. Yup…I didn’t even realize I was cooking pasta until about 30 minutes after someone had thankfully taken the pan off the stove all burnt to the crisp.

Attitude-

Gosh I have the worst attitude sometimes. Truckers can barely keep up with my cussing when I get upset. Last November I went off on this receptionist and called her every name imaginable. Good for her for reporting me. I ended up writing an apology sentence—yup, sentence, not letter. I could be such a bitch sometimes.

The above listed are just some of my bad habits. I have a lot of work to do on myself and listing some of the things I need to work on helps.

See….I’m procrastinating now. This whole weekend I spent zero hours on my thesis and now I just keep procrastinating. UGH!

life, it continues

Back from Northern Ireland and Scotland and I feel awesome. The trip was definitely needed. I’m so grateful for having the opportunity to visit both places. Glasgow is by far one of my favourite places. The architecture throughout the city is just purely phenomenal. What can I say about the shopping other than it is just superb. Unfortunately I didn’t enjoy Glasgow as properly as I should have because I didn’t spend the night there. I know Glasgow is this massive party city and I so want to go back there just to party. Belfast City, on the other hand, is really laid back and a true British town, in Ireland. The town of Bushmills, however, was truly a patriotic British town. I’ve never seen so many British flags, not even in London itself. Overall, I truly enjoyed both places. I will definitely make it back to Glasgow.

So now that I am back from holiday I have to sift through hundreds of data. So far I’ve managed to enter 120 survey replies but that doesn’t even come close. My main supervisor is on holiday herself, and the second supervisor is massively busy with her own work. I sort of feel bad because I don’t have the guidance I need at this stage. Yes I’ve collected all this data and I should move forward, but I need pointers. First, I need feedback as to whether my data entry stuff is correct. I’m still lost on which statistical method to use. Second, and more importantly, I’m still unsure as to what my actual thesis question/hypothesis is.

The thesis work is in itself definitely overwhelming but what is also stressful is my impending move to New York. I still have to iron out plenty of details before I can go. The guy who was going to be my roommate hasn’t replied to my email in a week, so I’ve decided to repost the ad. So far I’ve gotten pretty decent replies but still things could get complicated. I’m really hoping things work out smoothly. To tell you the truth, I’m still unsure as to why I’m really heading back. I love New York, want to save the apartment, and desperately need to make a pay check, but at the same time it seems silly to be over there for a few months. All I know is that I need some sort of income, any income. Those loans are definitely not going to pay themselves. Ironically, most of the income I make over there will going into paying rent, credit card debt, and loans. I’ll be pretty much left with about 400 dollars for myself and savings. Well at least it's a whole lot more than I’m making now, which is absolutely zero.

decision made.... :S

The countdown is ticking and I have less than 30 survey replies to enter into the database—that is, for this batch. Once I come back from holiday, I so have to print out about 300 pages worth of data. Holy crapoly! I really hope the IT guy doesn’t say anything to me. I’m really glad all this is getting done as quickly as possible….especially considering that I’m still procrastinating heavily. :/

On the plus side, I’ve made my final decision. I’m going back to New York. It will only be temporary though. I’m mostly going back to recuperate some capital and set up the apartment. I really feel that I don’t have a real place to call home, so I’m going to make the apartment in NY home. Yes, I know there are tons of apartments but not all are under my name. Firstly, finding a guarantor or at least someone who can put up a guarantor is tough. Secondly, although finding someone who can put up a guarantor isn’t impossible, the apartment never feels like my own or home. So by doing this I’m hoping I’ll have a place to look back at and call home. Once I set it up to be somewhat presentable, I’m definitely going to sublet it out. ….. OK….so the real, real reason I want to save that apartment is that it is near to my dream apartment, which I already have furnished. I have this crazy notion that the closer I am to where I eventually want to end up, the more attainable it seems.

So you want to hear about my dream apartment? Heck yeah you do.

The basic details:
• It’s a condo located in NoHo.
• 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms
• I believe the total square footage is about 3,000
• The exterior of the building looks like an art project.
Furnishings:
• Of course, I need to finally purchase my Maly bed.
• There is this phenomenal wingback chair which I just utterly adore.
• The color scheme of the kitchen is black and red.
• One of the rooms is going to be my office, which has silver and white for a color scheme.
• The third room is going to be a guest room. It is going to be by far the most normal looking room ever.
• The whole apartment is going to scream art project. 

I really want this apartment. So much so that I printed the floor plan, furnished the entire apartment (down to the dinnerware), picked out the clothes I’d be wearing in the apartment, and the three dogs I’d have. Oh yeah and did I mention that the furniture is printed out and cut out to resemble an actual dollhouse? I’m totally serious about my place. Now if the price tag will just drop dramatically so I can afford it or I can make millions or marry billions to afford it.

data, data, and data

Data, data, and loads more data. I’m inundated with data. Definitely happy that my data collection portion of the thesis is done with but yikes…I have to analyze all this now. So far I have managed to enter/code about 30 surveys, which is great. However, I have about 200 more to go. It will definitely be a hermit weekend for me. Also another good thing because I am running low on cash. Easy does it is what I keep telling myself. Enter about 10 or 20 at a time and then take a break to eat or walk around. I’m definitely looking forward to when this statistics portion is completely over with.

Another thing I’m definitely looking forward to is having things just work themselves out smoothly. I know, totally dreamer stage right now. I have to make decisions and, like, yesterday. Everyone seems to be moving along. They either have some spec of knowledge as to what’s next or are not as stressed, but not I. I’m still in my lost stage. So, focus on my thesis and the gym is what I tell myself.

Focusing I feel can sometimes be the most trickiest part. Most of the time I’m good at focusing on me but lately this is just not happening as well as I would like it to. What I do now is stack up on energy drinks. Although their main purpose is to provide energy, I find that they help me focus more than anything. Yes, I do get a bit more energized but I just mostly become focused with it. I wonder which ingredient is the key component to helping me focus because I could totally go out and buy boxes of it.

On a “um, ok, already” note, I’m still feeling weird about my relationship status. Usually this I need someone feeling comes while I’m in menses, but now it just won’t go away. The menses is gone but the feeling is still there. GO AWAY! I’m too into me right now to wonder about anyone else. YUCK!

the me of it all

It’s me again. I’m still indecisive about my next move. London, New York or just some random place I pick on the map. Honestly the random place always seems intriguing, but at the same time, it is just me running away from making a decision. I need to move forward with my life. The next stage has been waiting for me for a long time. I’m never going to be ready for it but I must trek on. I need stability and a place to truly call home. For now I just have to take it one day at a time. In many ways I’m glad I don’t have a significant other. Having another person would mean thinking about the “we” instead of the “me”. I like the latter a whole lot more. ;)

Freddie Prince and data...eek!

Jack and Jill vs. the World is my newest favoritest cheesiest movie. I effing love it. For starters, Freddie Prince is in it. Yes, I know he’s like so old school, but he still looks good—although, ahem, Mr. Prince it seems you gained some good weight ;). Jill is such a sweetheart. Their relationship reminds me of the type of relationship I want to have. His apartment is like the coolest; except what is up with all the darkness? A bit more color would’ve been truly appreciated. I’m definitely going to see it again in a few hours. Ha.

Onwards to other things, I’m a bit sad.  Cheesy movies are cool but they make me feel lonely. I mean I’m ok with just focusing on me, but sometimes you just get lonely. Friends are cool from time to time but they can’t do all the cool stuff significant others can. However, it is so cool to hook-up with your friends – I don’t mean sex. Nasty. Eeh….OMG I just realized that I’ve had more than one, one night stands. So crazy. Here I am thinking I’m so “good” but obviously I’m not. Although can you really count one night stands if they are with your ex? Ha. Gosh…I need a new l-o-v-e-r. haha.

Besides the movie, I am so on top of my data collection. The school administrator sent out an email with a link to my survey and so far I’ve gotten good replies. Although I do keep getting the crap replies, like people not filling in the whole thing. I’m so glad I’m not paying for it yet. Seriously if these people would return those forms not filled out, it would be a total waste of my 12 dollars. Ha. Hopefully I’ll have all the replies I need by tomorrow.

Crap…correction…so not on top of my data. The replies keep coming in and I’m so poor to pay the 11 dollars for the 100 reply thing. Actually I tried once but it was so weird. Apparently they do stuff through Pay Pal and my stuff either never got set up or some strangeness happened. :/

birthday bowling madness

Gosh….I’m so exhausted, which is extremely interesting considering I had a Rockstar energy on my way over here. Eh…What can I do? Numbers must make me sleepy. So far, I’ve been fast away collecting data. I’m just worried I may enter it incorrectly. Shoot…I have no clue what I’m doing. Hopefully something works out ok. Once the administrator for the school sends out the email with my survey, I’m pretty sure I’ll have met my quota in less than 3 days.

In other news, yesterday I went to my friend’s birthday bowling event. It was pretty cool. Since it was Sunday, I had to ring my mom. I told her where I was at and how I was slightly paranoid. I kept thinking the Germans were going to put me in an oven and burn me alive. Silly little me….I watch way too many movies. Overall, the night was really fun. We started off at the bowling alley, which by no means compares to our lovely allies in the US, and had a few beers while throwing way too many gutter balls. Actually the whole scoring thing was so out of whack. We were way too many people and the scores were never properly displayed. They definitely need to renovate their establishment. After the lanes, we hit the pizza parlor. The pizzas looked so yummy and for £3.50 you got a whole 11’ pie. It was really yummy. Stocked up on slices, we decided to quench ourselves with a few beers, so we headed to the Court – pretty much the only bar in the area which stayed open passed midnight. The beers at the Court proved to be quite nice. It would’ve been cooler had I made it in time for their beer and burger deal….aww shucks.

As for the other dramas in my life, they seem to be subsiding – to be honest, almost non-existent now. It is really strange how things just all creep up at once and you’ll have days or even weeks of intense, hectic moments. I’m still worried about what’s going to happen to me next. Still have to decide where I’m going to live and I so need a job, like, yesterday. For now, I’ll just take it easy. Perhaps finally wash the mountain of dirty dishes I have piling up. I know, so disgusting of me. :p

survey time

Currently I’m on a massive survey marketing promotion. I’m really trying to get 200 surveys filled out by next Friday. Since I’ve been sleeping for the past four months, I really need to step up my game; not just to the A level, but to the umpteenth. I have a few more resources to tap online and then I’m off to do my footwork. Oh yeah, I’m hitting up all the surrounding libraries. I’m going to go from computer row to computer row, sit for hours, and have people fill out my survey. It’s exciting, scary, and stressful, but I feel I can achieve my goal. Surprisingly, I’ve had a good turnout. I just have to keep up with the momentum.

One of the main things that popped up for me while mass distributing my thesis is that some people are just bleh. I make sure I’m a good friend to people and I expect at least equal treatment. I guess I should just let it go. People are just people and they have their own lives to lead. Unfortunately, it did bring up the exact feeling I hated back at home. I felt like everyone was busying themselves with their own lives; no one had time for anything. Although over here it is about the same thing, I do feel that people are more willing to create events and invite everyone. It feels like a real family. Most of my friends back home have their own families and kids to tend to; I don’t and don’t plan on having them any time soon. I guess I have to learn how to move on. Although I did find somewhat of a drive in that, I felt like fine…they are too busy well I’ll just keep myself entertained. Whenever I’m home, I just feel like focusing on myself. Over here its like I actually want to build relationships. I like it that people like to go out seven days a week. I know people back home do as well but it seems they are more focused on responsibilities and work. Over here they do have the same responsibilities but they also want to enjoy life. I like that.

Well…I guess I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. I’m going to make it the top. Whether its in the States or in Europe, I’ll be on top. Magazine articles about my great accomplishments will be written. Doubt I’ve ever told anyone but I have always imagined myself on the cover of Time magazine with the headlines…young, wealthy, powerful, and on top of her game.

again...back in the dumps

Today I received yet another blow to my ego. I got back my grade for the genetics class I took, and all I can say is that it wasn’t my best or worst. Although I think it is really good that I talk to someone about this. It seems all my professors keep saying the same thing. They don’t seem to see that I understand the material. I apparently focus too much on the background and the description and not enough on the actual question being answered. When I do attempt to answer the question, it generally comes up short and misses the nail. Perhaps I should just stop whining about my grades and poor me and work at it. Yuck. I just want someone to show me exactly how it’s done. Once I get one or two instruction, I’m pretty sure I can do it myself the third time. It does make me feel awful that I didn’t perform my best in this course but finally I get it that feedback is good. Although I wish someone would point me to the help I need once they provide me the feedback. Also, another thing that would so be appreciated is the grades and feedback a lot sooner. Oh, I don’t know, perhaps right after the semester. This essay was handed in back in March and I just received my grade…a day before August. I truly wish that grades and feedback were given in better time. Perhaps I would’ve had the chance to improve for the second semester. Now I have another piece of bad news and another blow to my ego…. oh and I have my thesis due in a month. No pressure at all.

moving on, slowly but surely

My masters thesis survey is finally up and running and I couldn’t be any prouder. Actually I could but heck I have to get on with it. It is due in less than two months and I am far behind. Although the actual due date is on the 15th of September, I really want to hand it in on the 15th of December. Unfortunately, my situation keeps changing so I really have to try my best to get it done in a month. The pressure is on but I am really glad I have good quality data. One thing that does annoy me is when people send back feedback or leave comments. Some are like “where are the men” and others are often offended by the lack of proper ethnicity options. Darlings, I just can’t help the ethnicity question. I’m using the British standards and it doesn’t include your ethnicity. Actually that ethnicity question is one of my worst pet peeves, along with the race question. Those questions are so ambiguous. Depending on what side of the world you are, you can be considered whatever. It just truly annoys me why people see the need to further divide humans. I mean I understand why it’s needed in science but these things get used for the wrong political reasons. It's a shame science gets treated this way.

Besides my survey, I’ve been busying myself with job applications. I need a job desperately. I don’t mind in what country it is, as long as I’m being paid enough to pay back my student loans, have a roof over my head, and eat. Life gets tougher as you age, and it sucks. However, I’m sort of glad that many people believe I am at least 7 years younger than my actual age. It does annoy me sometimes when I go out dancing with my friends, and out of everyone in the group, I’m the only one who gets carded. Oh, did I mention that everyone else in the group is younger than me? Yes, my friends who are younger than me don’t get carded. It is unbelievable. But, whatever.

On the home front, it is one dilemma after another. My brother got kicked out of my aunt’s apartment. My mother doesn’t want him to come back home. And, of course, I feel horrible that my little brother will be out in the streets. He mentioned that as soon as he finds a new place he will stop all forms of communication with the family. Seriously, do things need to get that drastic? What I really fear is that he’ll end up like our father. Going from place to place to place because he has an attitude and anger problem. He recognizes he has serious issues he needs to deal with but chooses ways to not face them straight on. Religion should be the salvation to all the planet’s woes but this requires some counseling. I’m really worried about him but I have to trust that he’ll be fine. After all this is a grown individual in his early 20s. I really hope he sets himself straight.

As for my living situation, I’m still in the search for a new roommate. A possible young lady from NYU has shown some interest but really who knows at this point. One of my biggest fears when I go back home is that I’ll go back to my old habits. Those that lead to me feeling lost and bored of life. I just have to keep telling myself it is not about location. It’s about me and what I want to do. Whatever it is that I want/need to do, I can do it anywhere in the world. I just have to keep my hopes and dreams alive. It is definitely easier said than done when you head back to the daily grind. Day-after-day it only seems like you are there to pay for your bills and face your responsibilities; almost as if the fun is being sucked out of life.  I’m scared.

life, omg

Dealing with siblings is tough. My younger brother just got kicked out of my aunt’s apartment. He knows why he’s being kicked out and understands he now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Truly I’m worried for him and so is my mother. She regretfully told him she couldn’t take him in because she, too, doesn’t want to deal with his nasty attitude. She said she’ll more than gladly help him with a deposit into renting a room but she couldn’t take him back. He obviously took it as a major insult and is again shunning her and the rest of the family. Unfortunately, he has serious trust issues. He is now in a moment of need and feels like he’s being treated like shit. He apparently overlooks the fact that wherever he lives people feel they have to walk on eggshells. He has a very difficult personality to deal with and most people just don’t want to be bothered with. He has serious issues he needs to work out but he doesn’t seem to really work at them. All I can do for him is trust he’ll be fine. At first I wasn’t nice about it. I became really irate with him. I honestly feel he makes dumb choices and doesn’t realize how badly he truly needs to work on his attitude. But I need to have faith and trust he will be ok. See dealing with siblings is tough.

As for myself, I have so much to deal with. I still haven’t paid my rent. I do have to money, well most of it, but I don’t want to dish it out. I’m hoping that magically $1600 will appear. Unfortunately, I have no job and have to trek on. So this means I have to put it on my credit card. Besides my rent, which was a long time ago my only concern, I now have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I’m standing at a fork-in-the-road. Either I give up my apartment in New York and become a vagabond in Europe or I go back to my life back home. So let me break it down:

Returning to NY:
By returning to NY, I’ll be saving my East Village apartment. I’ll be saving thousands of dollars because I won’t have to do the whole broker’s thing again. I’ll also be saving the trouble of trying to find someone who can sign a lease or has a guarantor. Two of the toughest problems apartment seekers have to deal with.

A plus that goes with going back home is that the apartment will truly be mine and that I can make it into a home. Whenever I become roommates with someone, I don’t ever feel like it’s somewhere I can come home. I almost never fully unpack because I know that within a few months time I’ll be moving again. I never put roots down because I always know I have to uproot. So in a way I can see this as a great challenge and opportunity; I’ll finely have a chance to make something my own.

Staying in London:
By staying in London, I can calmly finish my thesis and re-sit for the class I need to in order to finally get my masters. Since living in London is like living in the burbs for me, I can maintain this lovely calm I sometimes have.

A major plus for London is that it is a major hub for traveling. I can find hundreds of cheap tickets to fly everywhere, well at least in Europe and parts of Africa. I can finally travel around the globe, in an economical type of way.

Another plus for London is that I can also root myself here. Renting an apartment in London is sometimes cheaper than renting in NY. For what I pay out in NY, I can get a house in London, with a garden. It’ll be the true suburb experience in a city.

The negatives, however, is that I’ll need to do this visa thing. I’ll have to dish-out about 1G just to stay and work here. I’m pretty certain I’ll get it because I’m American but still.

Also, wherever I decide to live, I’m faced with the same choices: finding a job, repaying my student loan, paying down my credit card, finishing graduate school. For the moment, I urgently need to find a job. I need to pay for shelter and for food. I know I have to also try to finish my thesis but a job is really a top priority at the moment. I need to stop being a lazy Stacey. Watching TV and pretending everything is ok just won’t do. I have to face my reality whether I like it or now. I need to start telling myself the things I tell others. STOP BEING INACTIVE AND GET PROACTIVE. The death of my tutor and Randy Pausch should have motivated me enough but its not outer things that are going to make me get my act together. I have to do shit for me. Ewwww am I growing up. Blah. ☹

Ok…. so entertain me for a bit here while I figure myself out.

Priorities:
Code Red:
Job
Graduate School
Living situation

Code Red Orange:
Thesis by September/December
Moving in September
Finding a place to live, if staying in London
Shipping my boxes overseas, if going back home
Waking up at 6 or 7 am to be at work at 8:30
Dealing with my financial mess
Budgeting with my last little pennies

Code Orange:
Ironing my thesis
Resubmitting the work for my class
Budgeting
Giving the Salvation Army half my stuff
Packing

Code Green:
Due date of rent
Have extra time for finding a new roommate
Extra time for submitting my thesis

Gosh…I have to get down to work. Guess it’s back to reality for me. Whoops…forgot about my laundry. Best be off to my new “reality.”

God just grant me serenity now to deal with the things I can. For some odd reason you thought I could handle all these things so I guess I best get cracking. Ugh! ☺

more and more

Supposedly you become a more valuable player once you fail and rise from the burnt ashes of your dreams and hopes. But, how can someone rise from those ashes knowing that their whole world has crumpled before them? Those dreams were the only things keeping them afloat here, the only things that made life worth living. So, what would rising from those ashes be for them? Is it another chance to get destroyed by the big bad world? Seriously, what is the point of it all? I am definitely devastated and in awe of what just occurred, but I am also just damn right angry. Why does my life have to be a myriad of obstacles and speed bumps that I have to overcome to get to the next stage? Is it to be a stronger person? For what precisely do I have to be stronger? What the heck is so great about that next stage? Is it the promise land of chocolate and gold? Is it to be torn down again and ripped limb from limb?

i'm truly done

God I feel like shit again. It almost seems pointless to even try anymore. I feel like completely giving up and moving into a trailer in some swampland. At least there I won’t have any expectations. I know exactly what I am getting. If life could just go swimmingly for a short while that would just be great. I really can’t take many more of these speed bumps and obstacles, especially if I don’t know where I am heading. It seems like life is just a big reality show where you are supposed to play this role. It isn’t your reality it is someone else’s. You follow suit and pray everything goes well. No input of your own is required. They will tell you how to act, dress, think, and have sex. All that is required from you is to play the party; no questions asked.

the crow position

Monday turned out to be a glorious and productive day. I woke up at an early hour and was able to do some early morning grocery shopping, which is a good thing because I had, like, zero food in the fridge—I didn’t even have baking soda. Following my shopping spree, I was able to dedicate about three to four hours to learning statistics. (Please don’t ask me what I learned because I already forgot it.) In addition to that, I was also able to get four people to volunteer for my study, now only six more to go. Yoga at night wasn’t too bad. It was actually a bit strange because the men outnumbered the women. It is usually the other way around. In any case, I had an awesome time because I was finally able to hold the crow position-- albeit only two seconds, but it was something. On my journey home I felt a little airy (not like an airhead but just light). In a way it felt good, but at the same time I was going nuts over the quiet streets. Sometimes I love that I can hear the leaves rustle but other times it is just too much. I need NOISE! What can I say, I feel good at the moment, despite the stillness of the night.

Future Concerns:
How in the world am I going to be able to pull off my methods section for my thesis? I strongly dislike math. I would much rather have a calculator for simple math, and even then would need to double-check myself. For now, I am taking it one step (and day) at a time. Speaking of which, I just remembered I have to do some volunteer work. Ha.

Au revouir (sp?) for now.

PS Did I mention my Chinese neighbors are crazy? Sure are. I love them to pieces, and for the life of me can’t fall asleep unless I hear them fighting, but sometimes it seems like that are really going at it. Ha. I’m pretty sure they are only talking loudly though.

time for action

What is my purpose in life? Is it to get up at 7am and work my life away in a 9-5? Is it to work for people who cause pain on to others or who use others for their own purposes? Life is an amazing gift we have. It wasn’t given to us so that we can waste it. From my understanding, it was to use it for the greater good. Being born into a rich or poor community doesn’t give you an advantage or disadvantage. What I believe gives you the edge to be successful in life is love and compassion. I never write about love because I don’t really know what it is about. All my life I’ve been running away from it. For as far back as I can remember I’ve always tried my hardest to keep people at arms length. Forming meaningful connections with others was a big no-no to me. The less I had that connection with another human, the better off I would be. I wouldn’t have to hurt or worry. I would just be in my little world, my little world of numbness. What makes me feel really ashamed is when people ask me how I’m feeling. If I were to tell them the truth, I would tell them that the only things I feel are anger, fear, and sadness. The positive emotions of happiness and love are far erased from my memory. It truly saddens me that if I am not feeling anger, sadness, or pain, I am mostly just feeling numb. The numbing feeling is my closest thing to happiness. At times, I believe that that is peace. So, now I sit here. Wasting my life away by not living. Millions of people worldwide are dying to have what I have, the precious gift of life. I have had the fortune to be healthy most of my life, and what do I have to show for it? Can I say I’ve saved a life? Can I claim to be a peacekeeper? Am I responsible for bringing some form of irrigation for a village in desperate need of water? My answer to all would be no. I have not done anything with my time. I keep the ideal that everyone should be living his or her lives to the fullest, but everyday I waste mine away. Hours upon hours I spend watching TV, watching other people live their lives. It frustrates me when people pay money to know what celebrities are wearing. They idolize these people that don’t deserve more than a second’s praise. Millions are dying of hunger and illnesses that could’ve been avoided with a mere few dollars. However, these idolized, camera-hungry people spend thousands of dollars on a handbag that was most likely created from a murdered crocodile. Now, I know I am no saint. I, too, would love the beautiful shoes and dresses. I guess this is just a note for me to get up off my ass and do something for others and for myself. Be that person that I know I can be.

month of may

The month of May started off as a vacation for me and I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. Although it’s only been two weeks, I feel like I’ve been lounging around for about a month. I have to get back on track with my thesis work and my life. Yikes! Who said life was ever easy? Ugh. Just the thought of being productive again brings shivers down my spine. On the plus side, I’ve been incorporating more healthy practices/habits in my life. I’ve recently joined a gym- hopefully this time I’ll use it to the fullest instead of just paying for a year of watching TV. Also, I bought Bran Flakes. At first I thought it would be yucky and god awful, but it isn’t that bad. I guess being old could be ok. However, I’ll still need a box of Lucky Charms in the cupboard. On top of the gym and the Bran Flakes, I have also switched to wheat pasta. Yes, I know I could go full on, but slowly does it, no? So I must say I am proud of myself for these things. Conversely, I am disappointed in myself for continuing to procrastinate- in school work and in life. I do not appreciate my continued tardiness to everything in life. I’ve been late to almost everything for the past four years. It is a bad habit and something I need to improve on. Slowly does it and one day at a time. And, the big update, I now have to start dating or at least wean myself back into the dating scene. I have to put out the ‘girlfriend’ vibes I’ve not had in years. Lets see how this all pans out. Hmph.

another failure

God I feel like such a failure. How have I even made it this far in life? Really, I need someone to explain this to me? Apparently I am just completely fooling myself about my own potentials. Earlier this afternoon I had a sit-down with my tutor and he totally handed me a laundry list of my failures as a student. Per his records, I failed my first exam. All I could remember walking out of that exam room was how great I thought it went. I was so sure I was going to get a very high mark. The worse I thought possible was that I would get a B-, but nope, he said I failed it! How the heck?! So now I am not too sure about the exam I took yesterday. God…everything I have done for this course has been a failure. Besides getting in, I have no idea how I am still in the program. After I left his office, I felt like even more of a failure. God everything just mounts up. Here I am thinking that I am all right for having accomplished so much. I sometimes get people telling me how great they believe I’m doing. I barely made it home without falling to the floor in tears. All I could think about was ways to prove him wrong. He even suggested I hold off applying to any programs until I finish my thesis. Apparently, from the looks of my record, I am not a very academic individual, which is odd to me because that was something I did better in. I guess I was just fooling myself. ….I’m just sitting her, sobbing my damn eyeballs out, and all I can think of is comparing myself to others. How they all seem to get it and get good marks. They all just seem to know how the program of life forms. Although I do see them at their weakest sometimes, they just seem to know how everything just works. Yes, their life may look all that great from the outside, but still be rotten in the inside, but it sure looks a whole lot better than my inside. WHY?!!! Why do I even bother to continue? I thought I was doing so well but I’m not. I guess I was just suppressing everything and pretending it was ok. Ironically enough, all I want to do is prove everyone wrong. Have an amazing life and show them that I can make it to wherever I want to, besides their disapproval.

limps, exams, and East

Boo-yah! I totally kicked ass in my exam this morning. Although it took me a while, about fifteen minutes worth, I totally came from behind left field to win the pendant. My hand is in pain now, but it is so worth it because I am so getting an A+….ok, I’ll be slightly modest, A! I’m fantabulous. That exam was a sure fire A for me, I don’t care about the different grading systems, I gave it my all and that paper was awesome. It may have been flawed here or there, but still it won’t deter from my A.

*****

In other news, I am almost done with this thesis, not the actual book I have to hand in, but the coursework; only my presentation and essay left. It seems surreal, but I really can’t wait to get started on my next stage in life, whatever that is. What I do know is that I’ll be joining a kibbutz in Israel this summer. I am so excited to be going to the Middle East, hopefully I will make it back in one peace. Traveling to such religious historic places will be sure to bring about me some spiritual inspirations. One of my main goals is to have a better spiritual understanding, besides having an amazing time. Who knows what lies ahead of me, all I know is that I am ready to embrace it—limping and all.

And, in other, other news, I’m limping. Due to some strenuous running, I’ve been limping for about three days now. Today feels a whole lot better than yesterday but the pain is still there. Looks like my marathon training sessions will have to take a back seat to my recovery. I actually received an email regarding early entry opportunities for the London marathon and am contemplating signing up. I really want to do the New York marathon, but who knows, perhaps the London one could be a warm up. I need more medals, DAMMIT!

Well peace in the Middle East for now. Outtie 5000.

April showers

Saturdays can sometimes be fun days, especially when it rains all day long. Well, I’m pretty sure not many will agree with me on that one, but I love it when it rains because it just makes you reflect. Earlier today, when it hailed, it looked so beautiful outside. The streets were all empty and the ice produced such lovely melodies on my window sill. I, practicing my good hygiene, decided to floss while looking at the passersby and the traffic. Moments like these are precious. The whole entire time, while I was flossing, I was just wondering how many people out there could notice me flossing and what they would think of this crazy person flossing in front of the window. Ha. As the day progressed and the torrential downpours started, I couldn’t wait to go outside. I put on my galoshes and headed out into the world. Feeling mildly optimistic, I was excited to know that I had a place to be. I was even more excited to arrive early to take a look at this book that was loaned to me. It seems like it may be able to put certain things in perspective for me. When I arrived at my destination, I felt all gleeful knowing that others were already there and others were slowly trickling in. It was great to feel people’s auras. Throughout the meeting, I just became happier as the minutes passed. For some reason, I was super. I felt empowered. I felt like I finally had some purpose in life. I couldn’t wait to get started on my goals. When the meeting ended, I stayed behind to help out and chat with others. It felt good to know that certain people were OK. In a way, I felt like a motivational speaker because I told this woman to scream and shout if she wanted to. She was entitled to her feelings and I let her know so. When I left, I stopped by the local grocery because I was parched. Stopped into a stationer and purchased my third flash drive ever; I just keep losing those suckers. As I went along, I stopped in this kitchen store and fell in love with some flatware and dishware. When I exited the store I noticed a rather familiar individual. An individual that I assumed was far gone by the time I left the meeting. Pleasantly surprised, he didn’t attempt to interact with me. It is not that I don’t like him, it’s just that he creeps me out. Often, instead of walking home, I take the bus because I am afraid he may follow me one day. When I noticed we were walking in the same direction, I quickly turned a corner. I definitely didn’t want to bump into him and have him attempt anything. I tried my hardest to lose him. Yes, a wee bit psychotic of me, but so worth it. Now I know why I totally need 24 hour security service. The dude looks like such a stalkerazzi. Eventually I know he’ll talk to me but until then I am safe. Feeling all empowered for the next half hour, I started reading the book my friend loaned me. Unfortunately, when I got home, I couldn’t stop eating. I started losing my motivation and eventually took a nap. Hopefully the jolt from this Red Bull will give me the strength I need to recover some of my lost day.

On a totally unrelated subject, a friend of mine will be visiting in about three weeks time. I honestly don’t know how this little visit will pan out. Generally I get tired of him within the first few hours. Since he’ll be staying with me, I’ll have to experience all his good and bad qualities for a whole week. I am hoping to maintain my serenity and joy while he is in town. Often when he is near or when I speak to him, I just tend to revert to evil ways of thinking and acting. I really don’t want to do it, but he has wonderful ways of getting it out of me. Unfortunately, he has also perfected his ways of manipulating me. I am hoping to stay strong while he is in town. God help me.

seeking serenity and humility

So the major breakdown, or meltdown for me, is that my roommate got engaged. Although I should be happy for her and wishing her well, I just can’t seem to muster it up in me. One minute she is my sweet little girl on the best path to life and then all of a sudden she took a dead-end detour. She showed such promise. Why can’t I be happy for her? She is finally happy and I can’t seem to be happy for her. Her parents seem OK with him now, although they did hold some initial reservations about him. Why? WHY? WHY?! Is it this hard for me to be happy for her? I can be excited over the minutest thing, but this big part of her life, I can’t. This worrisome (I can’t believe it) feeling has to be something deep within me. Certain couples I can be extremely happy for while others just seem so dead wrong for me. I’m not saying that hers is a dead wrong relationship, but I wanted more for her. God, I am sounding like her parents would be sounding. What I need to do is stop projecting my needs and wants onto others. If people are happy with what they have, I should just let it go. It is none of my business if it doesn’t please me or not. If they are happy, it should be all that matters.

So, I guess I should proceed onward to discovering why I feel such anguish. While I was reading her email, I did have this nasty gut feeling about the picture staring at me. Part of me was like NO, NO, NO for her, and the other part was like nice nails. Weirdly enough, I felt the presence of my inner me. (Who, by the way, reminds me of Kenny from South Park.) It was like having two heads. One was like NO for her, and the other one was reminding me of what I wanted. It may be superficial of me, but I want the grandeur that I see in the movies about romance with the reality of sitcoms. Looking at this whole situation, I guess I do want to eventually fall for someone. Actually, I think it has even brought out of me one of my personality traits, ambition. I didn’t think I was that ambitious but I guess I am. In the environment I grew up in, I think it is hard not to be ambitious or at least have inkling for it. Hmm…ironically enough, I think this whole situation has put my life in some much needed prospective. I want certain things in life. I want to own my own apartment, preferably a loft but I can settle with whatever. I also want the steady and successful career that I can be damned proud of achieving on my own hardworking merits. Once I can achieve financial and home security, I know some of my fears will go away. Money isn’t everything, and the riches I wanted before are not there. I am more than content being a hardworking upper middle class person, ☺. If I am blessed with a child or two (by either surrogate, adoption or my own biology), I want to provide them with the best I can. My family tried it with me and I am so grateful and proud of it. All this anguish I feel really comes down to me and my needs and wants. I shouldn’t be projecting them onto others. Yes, I am pretty sure my mother and some part in this as well, but I can’t continue to blame her with everything for the rest of my life. Eventually one day I have to move on whether I want to or not.

Oh….did I mention? My ex is also getting married. How is that for another jaunt my way? The gods that be should show me my path soon or else I may just think I’m destined to be in constant anguish, paranoia, and fear. Seeking serenity. Seeking serenity and humility. Seeking serenity, humility, and world peace.

happy April fools!

Sacrosanct: Sacred. The meaning of that damn word was driving me insane this morning. I had an inclining on what it meant, but couldn’t remember its exact definition. Good thing for electronic dictionaries.

So, two weeks ago I finished my coursework for my masters. Now all I have left to do is an exam, essay, the thesis presentation, and then the thesis. It is so cliché but here it goes: “Time went by so fast.” Don’t get me wrong, I am all excited for this being over. It wasn’t the exact experience I had hoped for, but it was an experience nonetheless. I guess I am finally ready to move on with my life; see where my next journey is. For now, I know that school isn’t such a hot topic any more. I may consider a phd or law school in the future, but for now I think I just need to work and pretend to be an adult. I always thought it was horrible to be an adult, but they have money. I miss money. I am not starving or anything like that, it just would be nice to be able to go on a little shopping spree or perhaps on a partying spree. Life can get boring when you have no money. It is not all bad, but it does feel like you are missing out. Hmm interestingly enough I feel like I am missing from action. It sort of feels like I have been easing my way into adulthood because I am scared to face everything all at once. Who knows, perhaps I just was too chicken shit. I want a life again. I want responsibilities- some not all. I want to date again.

Ugh! Unfortunately, I think it is time for me to get back on that horse soon. I did date an interesting lad around December/January, but ended before it even started. My main thing with dating is that I don’t feel adequate enough of a mate to date. The people I date are all secure with themselves and their persona in society. I, however, fight everything. Even though it may be an easy task, I just want to fight it all the way. I need the drama. So, here I am…alone. An independent person, soon to be awarded a masters and have no job. Although I want to be with someone (I guess), I also want to establish myself before I do. I sort of gave myself a little break from it all. I still party, but won’t try to find Mr. Right at every corner. As of this moment, I am going to finish whatever is left of my coursework, try to get a job, and then possibly start dating again. I am estimating about a month and a half. Not to start dating, but to finish all I have to before I can embrace other ideas. Who knows where my life will end up. All I know is that being over here, although not the greatest, it isn’t the worst. I still have a lot of growing up and I want to try to find a little bit more of myself before I start advertising to “prospective mates”- this is what studying human behavioral ecology does to you. Everything is seen as a way to maximize reproductive success.

what am i to do?

At this juncture of my life, I am faced with one of those daunting questions. Where do I go from here? With only a few weeks left in the semester, I am left to figure out where I will be in the forthcoming years. Besides my thesis due in the fall, I have no official plans. Why don’t I have a manual for life yet? The other day I was so enthused because I figured out a bit about myself, but here I am again facing this darn question that won’t go away. It seems everyone has an idea of what they want to do and how to do it, but I don’t. A few hours ago, a friend of mine told me I complain too much. According to him, being an American means an infinite amount of possibilities. His choices are limited to those governed by his nationality and whether they will allow him to follow his dreams or even let him dream. In a way, I am being a bit melodramatic and overstressing every minute detail. I completely sympathize with him because my life would be a different story had I grown up like he did. Overall, I guess my life isn’t so bad. I think I just have to remember those times I feel secure in my skin and keep going with it. There are no absolute certainties in life, but there are a limitless amount of possibilities—I believe that’s how the quote goes. Remember to breathe. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale.

…….

First things first. I have to figure out what I need to do, want to do, and plan Bs. Living in fear of what will come is absolutely no good to me or others. I need to take life as it comes, and always remember that I have to make the best out of any situation I am given. I cannot allow myself to wallow in self-pity for it will only drag me way down with it. These next two weeks have to be crunch time. Crying and sleeping won’t help the situation, it will only make things harder. I have to face life and stop being afraid to live it to the fullest, even if that means growing up and taking responsibilities. Breathe. Always remember to breathe for it is the only thing that can restore you to serenity.

oh my goodness....and yikes!

Tra-la-la-la has been my state of being regarding my classes and the pending essays and projects that are due. Barely have I looked at any of the readings regarding any of the essays. I somewhat have a vague notion of what I want to do, but not really. Now while sitting in front of this computer screen, I am feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout my body. Only now have I started to stress about these things. Yikes! All these projects are do in like three weeks. Oh lord baby jay! Please help me put my body and mind in motion in order to face all that is coming my way. I’ve been too consumed with other aspects of my life to even focus on school work. The present is where I need to be, not in the future. I can’t control what comes later on nor can I predict it. The best I can do is focus on me and now. So, first things first, library, long hours, and tons of energy drinks. Sleeping was a thing of the past for me. I need to finish all these things in three weeks time. Once I am done with all that, then I can focus on what comes next. The hermit of 2008 is what I will become. UGH! Life.

once again, sit down and shut up!

One hard, hard lesson in life I have learned is to shut up and do as you are told. Regardless of how many people say that individuality is a key component to many things, it is really bull crap. They don’t want you to truly express individuality, they want you to follow along with the crowd. Mindlessly and numbingly follow the rules of the game. If any sign of resistance is noticed, you will automatically be shunned from the community. I don’t get how people tell you to think outside the box when in reality they don’t want you to. They want you to focus on them and take their stuff as a given. Well, fine. Once again, I will concede to do as I am told. I will not go against what you say. I will play by your rules, that is, of course, until I can change the rules to my liking. I will only follow your damned rules until I can advance far enough o get to where I need and want to go. Playing by your rules will be tough, but I will only do so until I notice a weak link, somewhere I can take hold and switch the rules of the game. Life! Where the heck is the manual? I guess I should just write my own. It would definitely make things a whole lot simpler.

Dublinia

Dublin. Land of many pubs, rivers, bridges, and, um nothing else. Although my time in Dublin was well spent, mostly walking around aimlessly throughout the city, the place could use a little bit more excitement and perhaps cheaper things to do. How does a city, that barely has anything but pubs, cost more than Paris? Pubs are great and all, but food and shopping over there is ridiculous. I understand the need for modernization, but perhaps lets first get organized, then charge people up the ass prices. Build some cooler things, add some excitement to the area, other than pubs, and then divvy up the expense to the tourist. With that note aside, my time in Dublin was well spent. If I would’ve had company, I’m certain I would’ve enjoyed my time there more. Alas, it wasn’t the case, and by the second day I was pulling out my hair.

…..

News from the homestead brings with it sentiments of melancholy. I now yearn to be back home, working crazy hours, doing happy hours, and essentially becoming an automaton. It is sad to say, but I want to sort-of (I said sort-of) grow-up. I need money. Life isn’t as fun as it used to be. Although, when I did have money, most of my activities were limited because of rent and other financial obligations. As much as I feel the need to return to my old life, I know that I am not ready. I still have loads of work to do on myself. Going to Dublin gave me some perspective on the things I want and don’t want. Slowly, but surely, I am becoming more aware of what it is that I want my life to be like. How I get it, who knows? Perhaps one day that light will too shine upon me. Until then, I am still hopeful.

where there is a will, there is a way

In a short days time, I will be in Dublin, Ireland. My pot o’ gold and my four leaf clover await me over there. Have I mentioned how excited I am? To be honest, I am not as excited as I should be, but I will get there soon enough. I am hoping to take lots of pictures so my friend could see what she missed out on. Hopefully, it will inspire her to arrange her travel plans instead of letting all that money go to waste. In any case, travelling with people is awesome and wonderful, but if circumstances don’t permit, I am still going to go. At this stage in my life, waiting for people could mean waiting an eternity. Besides bills and family obligations, people also have jobs and careers to think about before they decide to conquer the world. I, on the other hand, want to travel as much as possible. Who knows where I will be tomorrow? I may not have much funds, but it is surely enough to get me to the other side of the road. What happens at the other end is up to fate. Yeah, I feel the excitement rush through me now. It is my inner self coming out slowly but surely. Gosh, I missed her. I may not know where life may lead me, but I do know a few pit stops I would like to have. Money is just a means to certain things, your heart is the main driving force in everything. Just like the saying: “where there is a will, there is a way” or however it goes. Optimistic travel is what I am. Traveling to catch a glimpse of the goodness all around the world. A smile a day goes a very long way. Sorry with all this cheerfulness, but last night I saw the secret. Hey, if it works for some, why not me. Have faith.

what a world i weave

It has become unpleasantly and evidently clear to me that in my efforts to create an “in” group, where I am one of the center members, and thus excluding some (although not actively), I end up being the outcast and the loner. In my small (about 20 member) program, I thought I could create a cool group with some individuals. While unsuccessfully trying to befriend the majority of the full time members, I feel like the biggest outcast. After class I see how the majority of them either pair up or form triplets and go about their merry way. It saddens me and leaves me wondering why I am not apart of those groups, even as an occasional member. I don’t believe I am the worst person to associate with. At first, I just thought it was because we come from different backgrounds, but after seeing someone with a similar background to mine adjust well, I am beginning to think I am to blame. It troubles me to think that my life will continue to be this way. I don’t want to be the eternal outcast. Yes, it is fun and educational at times, but it is always lonely. I am at odds as to remedy the situation. Now that I have acknowledged what I do, how do I reconcile it? Writing it down and talking to people about it is one way, but I want more lucrative strategies. I know that most of what I do depends on me, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. Ugh. I really hate that most of my time is spent bitching about life and how I have failed as an individual. I would like to write about the great things in life like spring, skiing, etc. Like Senor Ryan Seacrest, bitching session out.

am i getting better?

The words unique, courageous, and independent are commonly used to describe me. Often I take pride in being associated with these words, but on occasion I feel as if they are used to chastise me. The mere fact of my “independent” nature leads people to believe that I don’t need the common, simple things most people seek for- love, help or a shoulder to cry on. When did being strong and confident in one area mean that I am an all-around person? I do have my sad and helpless days. Like everyone on this planet, I yearn for some sense of direction and affection. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. To my dismay, I am not supposed to ask for those things. My “panic attacks” are just my delusions. I should not cry or ask for help because that hasn’t been a persistent trait in my character. However, when others need to cry and question the world, I am supposed to shut up and listen and not judge them hypocritical for not listening to me. The irony is that whenever I need to shout out my paranoid concerns about my life, everyone just pushes me aside as if “I’ll take care of that later because that is not important now.” I am certain that if I did that to them they wouldn’t be as forgiving as I have been or claim to be. I guess this is how most resentments build up, huh? Well, I am sort of done with all that. With my resourcefulness and my independent nature, I have sought ways to cope with these feelings. Right now, I would say that I am about 20 to 30 per cent better. When I see people going through the meltdowns I went through, I just breathe and reassert myself that I am not alone or crazy. Although they may have others or me as an outlet, I know what it feels like. I won’t lie, it completely sucks going through these things alone. Most times, I just hate that I usually have to face these things alone, especially when I have recently started to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the ways to actually get over these feelings, right? People are supposed to be open to help others, right? So, where the heck is my support group? There are no real solutions or answers in life. You just make the best of a bad situation or at least that’s what I learned, the hard way.

another tirade

My return to academia was supposed to be an enlightening time; a time spent focusing my life and my future goals. Instead, it has turned out to be a hell of a journey. While I am becoming enlightened and focusing on life, I am also feeling inundated, useless, and a mere accumulation of spare parts. Here I have this brain, which in all theory is one of the ultimate defining factors between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, and I feel like I am just wasting it away. Ultimately, I feel like a sack of potatoes on the couch. Watching my life pass by me is no fun. What is even less fun is watching others live their lives around me. While I may believe that my life has been filled with wonderful things, in actuality, it is about a quarter filled of what it should be. Often when my mind wanders, I imagine myself travelling to the deepest depths of the world, discovering new cultures, and overall experiencing life. In my imaginary floating ship, I see myself with an abundance of curiosity and ambition. The life I live is one of endless possibility. One day I am studying to be an aviator and the next I am running in a marathon. These all seem like wonderful dreams, but when it comes down to it, they are merely dreams. I put no pencil-to-paper. My ambition levels when it comes time to actually do the work depletes so rapidly I feel physically drained as if I just did a full workout. Hence, I feel the need to constantly relax and continue my endless tirade of procrastination. One of the only things that seem to keep me focused, at least for a few hours, are energy drinks. But, should my life be all about drinking energy drinks to function? Should I medicate myself to maintain my levels of ambition? It should go without mention that I am seriously against all medications for myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, some medications are necessary, but being medicated to do simple functions is something I don’t want to be about. For instance, it is like the argument to prolong life. Do you really want to stay alive just to be a vegetable? I would, but I wouldn’t want drugs ruling my every waking moment. I know it seems hypocritically. I am all for people prolonging their life with drugs, after all it is their prerogative. But for me, there are only a few instances when I would except it for me. However, I would prefer the choice than not having it at all. I guess that is what living in a “radically free society” is all about. For now, this is the end of my tirade and my wallowing, that is, until next time.

another blow to the heart

It seems I am in the habit of picking guys who are seriously unavailable. Whether it be that they are just immature or involved with someone, it just seems I know how to pick them. At this moment, my heart is in a bit of shambles over an email received from a former crush. Although the crush is mostly gone, the torch still lures from time to time. Well, I guess that torch has been put out by the email. It seems that a little valentine heart, which I sent to about fifteen other people, has caused some drift with him and his GIRLFRIEND. Ugh, it is absolutely one of the worst ways to hear about it. I really don’t know what to reply. It was some silly little application, which I sent to a few people. How the heck am I ever going to talk to this person? I feel like I have done nothing wrong. It was merely an innocent little thing. Besides my heart being a bit broken, I feel bad that it caused something between his girlfriend and him.

For what it is worth, I feel like running all over again and wallowing in self-pity. Although running doesn’t seem to solve the problem, it sure helps to get away from it a bit. Gosh, I can’t believe I am letting this get to me. I guess it is more of the fact that I barely get it. I am always crushing or wanting those who are unavailable. In reality, I am just tired. I am tired of hoping I’ll meet prince charming. I know Hollywood and Disney created this whole big notion of a wonderful being and your perfect mate and that there probably isn’t one, but you still have hope. Overall, I believe is the only thing that keeps you going. Crap. I have to run again. How in the world am I going to face this kid? I have about two months of “interaction” left. Hopefully, it won’t be a big deal.

Whenever I get devastating blows like this, besides running, I also just want to focus on the things I know how to focus on, and that’s school/work/myself. I through myself into the things I can “control” and push aside those which I can’t. I hope to build myself stronger in my other areas so that my weaknesses in others won’t be so much of a deal. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to do this and must face reality.

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