Chupa Chups: 2007

rain again, but I won't let that stop me

Do not worry for I have not abandoned you. I am still here. Actually, come next Tuesday I will be back home! I am uber excited for that. I cannot wait to see the big ol’ red, white, blue, and dirty. The smell of stinky cabbies and dirty train platforms are a luxury I took for granted. I plan to inhale as much toxicity as possible; it may be a long time before I return.

Speaking of returns and travels, I have been considering moving out of this depressing shit hole to possibly move to Paris or Barcelona/Madrid. I need some more excitement than what this stuffy town can afford. I am well aware that no matter where I go I will have to respect the laws, but still anything would be a slight step better. Although I used to love the dark skies and rainy days, over here they just have too much of it. Once in a while I would like to see the sun. It wasn’t all that bad from what I remember.

Besides another possible move, I have decided to stop running from life. I am tired of being the one shit-out-of-luck. I want to just live a normal life. Being an automaton is not my idea of fun, but I have been considering doing the necessary and adding more fun into my life. If something positive – like new friends or boyfriends – come from it than so be it. The little dark hole I have created for myself throughout the years is finally beginning to suffocate me. I need light, air, and people.
Among the things I am planning on doing are:

-Flight school
-Learning new languages
-Pottery classes
-Photography classes
-Improving my writing
-Improving my skiing and boarding
-Learning how to surf
-Traveling
-Learn how to drink coffee
-Cooking school
-Home improvements

here I am again

Where am I today on November 29th, 2007? Today on this warm November morning, I am at either a crossroad or at the end of my life as I have come to know it. One thing that I can never forget is that I am always wrong. No matter how right or justified I think I am, I am not. Someone will always have the upper hand on me. I will forever be under someone else’s control. I have to learn to sit, stand, and speak on command. Free speech and thought don’t belong to me. Although I have been taught to do all these things, I am not supposed to use them. The biggest irony is that everyone is okay with this and that is why they have normal lives. I, on the other hand, have always been against it and have rebelled. How has that worked for me? Not so well. I have managed to survive this long, but apparently I refuse to read the dozens of memos people send me on the subject. To live a normal and quiet life, you have to adhere to everyone’s rules. You, as an individual and as an entity with a school or place of employment, do not exist. Although there is a displayed list of the rights given to you, let’s get real you don’t really have them. Should you choose to act on these rights, you will be strongly reprimanded. You will be the outcast on the island. Adhere to society or be gone with you. So, what am I to do? Do as they say. What other options am I left with? I have been told repeatedly that I am in the wrong. I will never be in the right. I’ve been continuously chastised for doing what I feel like doing. It is time to throw in the towel for me.

Why such not-so-pleasant words? Do you remember the meeting with the dean this morning? As I had predicted, it was not about winning a million dollars. It was because of something “wrong” I had done. Apparently, I am a representative of the school and I am to be as servile and pleasant to all I come in contact with. Should I have a problem, I am to sit on it and suck my thumb. In no instance am I to actually have any negative thoughts or spoken words. I am now ordered to write up a letter about how wrong I am and how I will never do what I did again. Of course, this letter must be submitted within a week or face other disciplinary actions. Will do, Chief? Is there anything else I can do for you today?

So, what do I do? If I fight this, I will be wrong and eventually end up losing even bigger. I will just deal with this how I always deal with everything, not well. It will stew in my core until it will come out on an innocent bystander. Here I go again, I am at the exact same place I always put myself in. I could complain and go on and on about how justified I was, but in the end no one cares. I am the one committing the offense, not them. It will always be my word over the world and the world never loses. The bigger question is where do I go from here? Besides writing that letter, what else do I do with my life? I keep facing the same question and yet have no answer to it. I really hope that one day I will get that answer. Perhaps this could be that day, but who knows. To be quite honest, I feel exactly like Dexter Morgan from Dexter. He has a monster inside which he has to keep hidden from the world. The only difference between him and I is that he succeeds at acting normal and keeping the monster at bay. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to do what he does. Not kill people, but put on this big act for everyone to believe I am one of them.

things are slowly happening, but happening

Today was another early morning for me, and it wasn’t too bad at all—I did lag behind slightly, but eventually picked up, as did the day. I attended a lecture by a perspective supervisor for my thesis and it was awesome. The whole class was so interesting, but in a way too crammed for two hours. She, in a way, turned me down. However, she did agree to consult on my thesis, which is better than nothing.
Tomorrow marks the big day for me; it is the day that I have been requested to meet with the dean. Who knows why he wants to see me, but I am very pessimistic about it. There is no way it is about my work because I haven’t handed in any this year—not because I intentionally didn’t, but because we haven’t been required to do so. I seriously doubt it is about something good, like being accepted as a PhD student or money. It has to be about something bad. I really hope I don’t get kicked out of the program an the school. Worrying is no good for my health, so I’ll end it with that there.
Besides meeting with the dean, I also have to present for my class, have a practical review for my test next week, and meet up with people for a play in the evening. It will most certainly be a very action packed day. In many ways, I’m excited for it, but oh so stressed about it. Hopefully everything will run as smoothly as possible.
And, in sum for what else is happening in my life, I will be going back home soon, so need to get on top of booking my flight. It would be a whole lot simpler if I would have the money to do it. Although I can always charge the airfare, it would be much nicer to know that I do for a fact have the money. Things just need to speed up in that end because I also have to pay my fees before I board.

Well….off to my photography lesson, which I am uber excited about. Lets see if it actually happens this time.

college life

College life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. To make money, the college student often finds themselves poked with infra-red lights in the eye just to make a few bucks. I should know first hand because that is exactly what the second study I volunteered for was all about. They measured my visual perception by poking my eye with infra-red lights. For one hour and for a mere 10 pounds, I was someone’s lab rat. I feel a bit dirty, but oh well. The lovely face of a crisp 10 bill is all I really need to cheer me up. The week before that I also participated in a study. Although there were no laser beams attacking my eyes, I did have to wake up early yet again just to be a lab rat. Ugh. The troubles of being a lab rat. You think we would have a union, but we don’t.
In other news, will be returning to New York in just a few weeks. I really can’t wait. It will probably be my same life over again, but at least this time I won’t have the same responsibilities. I get to have fun! I plan to party like there is no tomorrow. I have even started looking for party dresses. The only one thing I have to do is visit my mom, and of course, spend Christmas with them. The rest of the two week vacation will just be me maxing and relaxing in the good NYC.

PS There is this yucky kid in the computer lab who keeps clearing his throat and coughing. It is a bit disgusting. I mean I know he can’t control it, but his wheezing is giving me the hee-bee-jee-bees (sp?).

Oh no you don't.

This effing woman has done it again. I haven’t spoken or seen her today and yet she has ruined my day. How does she do that? How is she even allowed to practice her craft? Can you call what she does craft? Listen lady, I am not crazy. I have never been crazy. Because a person wants to come in and talk to someone about her stress, doesn’t mean she is certifiable. Yes, I have been going through a tough time adjusting, but I have been doing it. Really, what are you using my money for? To wipe your ass? You are definitely not doing a fine job at that because you still stink. Eff you and your whole system. How dare you? When things like the above happen, I just really wish I was rich enough to make people disappear.

You know what, eff her. I will not let her ruin my day. I will have an effing productive day. I have a paper and a test to prepare for. Also, I have to figure out this whole loan business. It has been three months and I only have one of my loans. Hopefully the other one comes in time. Ugh. How do I fix things in my life so they run as smoothly as possible? Dreaming of good times is all I have left and sometimes that is even hard to do. It seems like one thing after another here. I haven’t had one good moment to just relax without something going wrong the next day. I really don’t know how much I can take of this. My stress levels are through the roof and my body is taking the heaviest beating. My poor little body is going to give out on me. You know what, I just need to stay focused. I can’t let little things like this a-hole woman bother me. I have bigger fish to fry. Let her be Count Dracula all she wants. You won’t suck my blood anymore. I NEED IT!

….

This little girl has to shift her life in a new direction. I would like to learn photography. Learn how to finally play the violin and the flute. Travel to other places. Start off my career. Learn to cook properly. Create a beautiful adobe for myself. Have serenity and love. Be at peace with myself and the world. The end for now.

Forgive me father for it has been about three weeks since my last confession.

Seeing as my last post was ages ago, I will gladly admit to being one of the worst bloggers ever. To my defense, if you can consider it much of one, I’ve just been going through a lot of rough patches with adjusting to my new surroundings. Yes, at times it may seem like I’m adjusting fine, but other times it can be a nightmare. I am trying so hard to reach a calm and serene place in my life. In all honesty, I think most of my adjusting problem has to do with my procrastination on trying to move forward with my life. Sometimes it is just so darn easy to be an inactive member of society than it is to be an active one. For what it is worth, I hope to be blogging more frequently.

peace of mind

After a not-so-good Monday, it appears I am back in good spirits. Hopefully the week will run smoother than Monday did. The one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that I am sometimes powerless over certain people and things. Once that sinks in, I’ll be able to move forward with a calmer frame of mind. I won’t want to control everything that happens around me because ultimately I can’t; sometimes all I can do is just react. My reaction should be the thing I should try to control or I guess have under control. Not everything is hopeless and I have to keep reminding myself that. Because I want to really believe that there is hope out there for me, wherever it may be. Life can be very turbulent at times, but it is during these times that you gain so much perspective on yourself and the world around you. I haven’t hit rock, rock bottom, but I have been going through a difficult time. In all honesty, I don’t buy that “cultural shock” bull shit. Yes, this is a whole new continent, new people, and pretty much new everything. However, I wasn’t fully aware of my world back home. Yes, I did have certain knowledge of things, but I wasn’t a know-it-all by any means. I still have loads to learn. Being in a different country is not my major problem. The problem lies within me. It is something I must work at. Trying to fix my environment won’t solve anything. I am the one I carry with me every where. I am the person responsible for all the happiness, joys, and sorrows. Yes, people may affect my life, but I cannot let them control it. Peace of mind and overall serenity is what I need.

eat shit

Typecasting is a horrible thing to do to someone. Who makes you judge and jury. No one assigned you to the highest level in the hierarchy. I know I am not completely innocent of this wrongdoing, but I am aware of my behaviour and am constantly trying to improve it. Earlier this morning I was classified to something I’m not and pretty much told I should be institutionalized. Albeit she was good with certain aspects, she was completely off over all. I am not crazy. I may act like a lunatic sometimes, but currently I am serving at my full capacity. Perhaps that little session was the jolt I needed to make a move on my life or go back to what I was doing. Apparently dreaming of not being an automaton who has to work the regular 9-5 is a crime against humanity. I should enjoy and treasure working for “the man” because I have bills to pay. According to this person, working is a wonderful aspect of life. Yuck…on top of my little hangover that thought is making me want to hurl. Listen lady, I want to fly like a bird, swim in the deep blue, and climb the highest mountain. Working for a living is not my idea of life. My perception of life is to live it like there is no tomorrow. Yes, it has its up and down days, but looking for the ultimate adventure is one of my highest priorities. FUCK YOU! You succeeded in making me feel miserable about myself for a good two hours but that is as far as I’ll let you go. EAT SHIT!

space

My own mortality approaches. I can feel it breathing down my neck. The moments I have left here are fleeting; I am on borrowed time. Soon, very soon, death will come for me. Such a grim opening for a Monday, no? Well, what else should I have written about? In merely a few hours, I shall be older than dirt- well not quite, but close. Life is about the living, and right now, or at least at certain times, I feel like I am occupying valuable space. It feels like I should step aside for a more suitable candidate. Perhaps a candidate who would make more of its time than I have. Would I be acting so eh about everything if I knew for a fact that I only had a few days? Shouldn’t I be living for the moment instead of pondering if I can even step outside? What is this void I have and why can’t I seem to fill it? I am not satisfied anywhere. Nothing seems to make me happy enough to want to see it through. Would anything spark enough life in me to keep me going? My motivation is dwindling and I am fleeting away. Soon, I will be nothing but bones. What can people say about my life? Absolutely nothing. My accomplishments are pitiful in comparison to the ones I can be making if I had a muse or a passion. The little passion I have now seems to fade in and out. It doesn’t stay long enough for me to want to see the next day through. I am left alone. I wander the streets and I still can’t find what I am looking for. It is not at home and it is not in this torture island amusement park. Crap. Everything in my life turns to crap. By no means am I a Jill of all trades. I suck at almost everything I do.

yet another session of procrastination

One of the best things about living here are the weekends. They are so much more relaxing. I guess it is because I am still not in the full swing of things. Whatever the reason may be, I just seem to be more relaxed and I like it. I guess these are the moments I need to reflect and catch up with things. Unfortunately, I sometimes get too relaxed and don’t want to do anything. Lately the only thing that I do want to do is catch up on all the missed TV. I don’t really get it. Since I am not working a full time job, I thought I would have more time, but I don’t. The hours seem so few in the day. Sometimes I try to catch up with late nights, but I always end up falling asleep. It seems that the max studying I can get in a day is three hours. How? I’m only really in school for about two to three hours tops. If you factor in travel time to and from school, it still wouldn’t add up to the missed hours. I need to really manage my time a whole lot better. I’m slowly wasting away some good hours. Instead of being productive, I am catching up on missed TV time. Guess this is just part of my procrastination. Instead of studying, like I had planned to, I am writing this blog and I just finished watching Good Luck Chuck—eh, the movie sucked somewhat…typical Hollywood. Alrighty, it all starts with me. I should be trying to understand what leads to all this procrastination and time wasting. Is it lack of scholarly confidence? I think so. Is it the workload? Perhaps but this is graduate school, a bigger workload is expected. Hmm…..need to take some serious inventory. Ok, so it is five after 6, no more procrastinating after like 8- ha. Hey you have to start somewhere.

feeling the pinch

These past few weeks I have been definitely feeling the international money pinch. My pockets are emptier than ever. Money has never been one of my top driving forces, but I think that will soon change. I really can’t continue living like this. Everything is so expensive. In reality, it isn’t to me, but because I am not making any money, it sure does feel like it. If the dollar would only gain some value it would be great. Why is it dropping so much? Is this Bush’s doing? Crappola! A job, any job, is definitely needed in the near future. The problem I have is that I am overqualified to work at a bar. Don’t really think I am, but once they look at my resume they won’t even give me a shot because I have no real “physical work” experience. I would so love to be a dog walker right now. Don’t mind picking up the poop or playing with the pup. Whenever I’ve applied to work in customer service type jobs, I never get them. Yeah, so I don’t really like people much, but I’ll fake it if I need the money badly enough.

As I’ve mentioned above, I’ve been here now a few weeks. Besides the money issues, I’m enjoying my little adventure. It doesn’t seem much like it though. I do the same thing I used to do back home. School is ok. I am slowly getting the hang of it and it is almost ending as well. Will definitely be sad when classes are over. I would really like to be doing more stuff, but with the lack of funds that is a major no-no. I am trying to conserve the little that I have now, which because of this whole dollar thing isn’t much.

Eh! Life, what can I do about it? Crying won’t help much, so I just have to keep on trucking.

catch-up

I have abandoned you terribly. I apologize for this. It wasn’t my intent to leave you behind, but several events have prevented me from writing. No, these events are not major. They are mostly little mundane stuff that I need to take care of, and they are not of major importance. It just seems that unless I make sure the wheels are moving and people are doing their jobs, shit just won’t get done. Little stuff people, little itty-bitty stuff that you can take care of on your own. Seriously, I’ve been running my own business. Almost every day I am on a major emailing spree. Contacting this person and the other, you would think I’m getting paid for all this stuff. In any case, for the most part, I’ve been stressed. All these things are taking a toll on me. I do have moments to sit down and drink tea, but nothing seems to calm me down for a breather. Hmph!

One of the major things stressing me out right now is money matters and mostly the lack of it. I’ve been looking at my paperwork and I’ve been taxed heavily this year. Where in the world was this money taken from? How have I even managed to pay all that? Really, where is my representation? I say if I am being taxed, I most certainly need proper representation. Darn governments bleeding me dry. Do they think I actually have money? Where do I even come up with this money? I’ve managed to survive for this long, but I am starting to question how. It almost seems impossible that I have managed to live in two of the top ten most expensive cities in the world. Not only have I managed to live there, but I have also lived in some of the most expensive areas. How? Living in cheaper more distant areas won’t fix my problems, so how do I manage? It is just another entry for the stress log.

To conclude, I just want to say that I am acclimating more now. Slitting my wrists is far from my memory now. I’m still not feeling connected to my environment and that is a serious problem because I also wasn’t connected in New York. When will these feelings go away? I want to feel whole, with all my limbs properly attached. Another thing I have noticed is that I tend to complicate everything in my life. I really think this has hindered me educationally. Even with this handicap I have managed to survive. Hmmm, if I would’ve realized this sooner perhaps I would’ve been an A student all he way. If only…..

I shall end here and I hope to write more frequently.

visitors...yipee

It’s raining. It’s snowing. The old man is snoring. Tra-la-la-la. Today’s forecast is rain with another chance of rain. How exciting? The weather never seems to be surprising in this lovely looming town. On the upside, I have a guest coming to stay with me for a few days on Wednesday, which is oh-so-cool. It is just ironic how the people I barely hung out with in school are the people who I am mostly seeing after school. This visit should be exciting and strange at the same time. I guess I should be more open to things now, right? Well I will be and with open arms. Yipee! I have a guest from home coming to visit. Too bad classes began this week. Oh well….who pays attention the first week. We shall be partying like rock stars everywhere we go. Fuck being poor. I only get to live this shit once. If I get another chance, it’ll be awesome, but for now I’ll enjoy the first time around. ……Party like a rockstar….Party like a rockstar. Grand exit.

an optimistic outlook

Lectures begin tomorrow and I am anxious about starting. Instead of just settling for passing grades, I really want to try to graduate with distinction. Quite honestly, I should focus a lot on my grades especially because I have taken loans from my future earnings. I want this year to be a memorable one, intellectually and spiritually; not in the sense of reaching for the higher power (although, that would be great), but mostly in the sense of creating myself. On Thursday, I am hoping to join a few societies so as to broaden and further develop my horizons. The photo, French, Italian, film, and snow sports societies are of real interest to me because for the past few years I have taken more of an interest in these areas. By joining these societies, I would like to meet like-minded individuals who share my passions. What better than our own peers to help us achieve greatness in life? For now it is one step at a time and my top priority is school. Gosh it is daunting to think about how much I am investing in these year, especially financially. I don’t want to put more pressure on myself by expecting wonderful and productive things this year. In many ways, I think it is best to have low expectations for things. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do want big things, but I also don’t want to be disappointed and distraught if they don’t happen. It is probably just my fear of failure, but this is the only way I really know how to prepare myself. So, for now, it is one step at a time. Focus on school, daily life, and then later on, focus on paying back all these gosh darn loans. Ooo what a headache just thinking about them.

…..

Life in London has its good and bad days. This weekend was a good weekend because I had the opportunity to go out with some new friends. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can have many more of those weekends without a job or more money coming in. As you may know, London is one expensive town, and with the dollar so low, it is almost impossible to live here. I seem to be managing just fine by walking to school—it isn’t a bad walk because it is the same walk I had in New York going to work—and by trying to eat at home. Today I opted to purchase a “mobile” just because a)I need some form of emergency communication b) credit card calling home was expensive c) more and more things here require phones d) I needed an alarm clock. Ha. It is so bad that I use a phone as an alarm clock, but hey it is all about saving money.

It is ta for now. Till we blog again.

go away rain

It is of no surprise that rain is the major theme of this country. Sometimes the rain is so brisk that no one really notices it. Other times, it can be slightly heavy where the whole day is just shot and you end up stuck at home. Well, my dear friends, today it is the torrentialish type of rain. After exiting Woolworth’s, I was met by a heavy downpour of rain and flying pedestrians. The flying pedestrians I can handle on a normal, dry day, but on a rainy day they can sure be extra annoying. While I struggled to zig and zag my way through the crowd with a big box of pots, I had to simultaneously remove the strands of flaying hair hitting my face. Suffice it to say, it was a major struggle getting “home.” Now I am in this depressive place (home), with horrible weather, and trying to fight off these feelings of depression. These people need to reinvent their definition of junk food. When we have weather like today, all we really need to cheer us up is junk food. Listen to me people, and listen good, baked goods are NOT classified as junk food. Yes, cookies can help at times, but you really need the good chips and ice cream for stuff like this. You all need to get with the program. And while we are on the food subject, why is everything made into a pie? Haven’t you all heard of other types of foods? I have never seen so many pies in my life. YUCK!

Introduction almost over...yippee

With the introduction week and enrolment almost over, I just can’t wait to get started on my modules (or courses). On Wednesday when we had our formal introduction with the other students and the tutor, I met my eye candy for the rest of the year. He is some cute Middle Eastern boy from my program who sort of resembles the Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal. I didn’t actually talk to him, but I figured we will have plenty of time throughout the year for pleasantries. He seems like a smart bloke, so I’m sure I can just ask him a few questions and get started from there. However, when we had our library tour today, he did appear somewhat on the retarded side. Ha. He often lagged behind and it was a bit annoying. But, in the end, I didn’t mind too much. I really hope the year turns out to be a good one. I have decided to take out more loans so that I may be able to “study” more and not have to work. Ugh…..writing with these British programs is a bit difficult. I really wish they would release my computer from customs. Don’t know if the paperwork I sent them will actually bring me my baby safe and sound (and cost free), but let’s just cross those fingers.

I may not hang myself just yet

Where should I begin? First off, I missed my flight on Friday night and had to take a flight leaving Saturday morning to Heathrow. Not only that, I had to pay a fee, which was almost as much as the flight, just to be registered for the morning flight. After going through that turmoil, I arrived at Heathrow at around 7:30 Saturday night to a not-so-hectic immigration line. The line itself took about two and a half hours to go through. It wasn’t anything big, we really just had to wait for the customs officers to look at the passports and ask a few questions—no Harvard admissions. Schlepping my luggage around wasn’t bad at all. The taxi line wasn’t that bad either. Actually, I couldn’t believe that all my crap fit into one of the black cabs, but it did. Are you ready for this? The cab ride to my flat was 73 £s and I tipped the guy the extra 7£s just cause my stuff was extra heavy and he was nice enough to bring it up to the gate. So, all together, my cab ride from the airport was 80£s, which was a whopping 160 American dollars. Yes, it was fucking 160 American dollars, but I had to do it. There was no way I could run around the tubular with four huge suitcases, and look for some weird street I had never heard of, so I just opted for the cab. Of course, I will never again get into one, maybe on my way back home, but I will definitely try to get around it. Once I checked in with security, they gave me my keys and guided me towards the direction I needed to go for my room. Did I mention that every door requires a swipe card or a key to open it from either side? It is like living in a prison cell. I understand the need for security, but gosh darn, people, ease up. I found a nice Nigerian guy to help me with my heavy-ass luggage. It was a little awkward though because when we introduced ourselves, we shuck hands, and he kept my hand for like an extra year. I was like, um, ok. I asked him about any open computers and he lead me to one and was even nice enough to let me log into his account. Too bad the kid didn’t get the hint to leave. I really wanted to check my bank account to see how much money I had left, but I felt so awkward doing it in front of him, so I didn’t. I thanked him and he was like still there. There was no shaking this kid. So, I went to the payphone to try to make a call and he followed me. Um, kid, can you like go away? Eventually he got the drift, but boy was it hard. Once I finished with my call, I went up to my room and cried. And I mean I cried a fucking river. All I could think about was the huge mistake I had just committed by coming over here. I had a job, two cool roommates, a semi- social life, and I had my beautiful New York. I gave that all up to do what? For the next two days (mostly at night), I just cried and cried. The following days I started to meet my other flatmates, and after realizing that I wasn’t alone in wanting to kill myself, I finally got the spark I had lost when I got here. Some call it culture shock, but I associate “culture” with something completely different. There is no cultural shock in my current state of discontent and disconnect. In fact, I find the English to be very similar to New Yorkers, of course, with some major differences. Since I come from a somewhat anthropological background, I welcomed that part of my new world. What I didn’t feel content with is myself and this huge mistake I thought I made. I am now about a week into my new stage in life and I feel a lot better than I did on the first night. Of course, not everything is peaches and cream yet, but I have a feeling they will get there. Tonight I actually felt the spark to get motivated with my life. It felt great to feel that again. It is unbelievable really because as the days progress so do my feelings about this wretched place. I am actually starting to like it here now. So, for now, I am ok.

By the way, did I mention that due to my feelings of discontent with my decision, I have refused to unpack or even settle into my room. For the past few nights, I have been actually sleeping with my clothes on. It was only the other day that I actually decided to wear my pajamas. I even got the courage to buy a shower curtain, dishware, and cutlery. How cool is that? I think I have come a long way. Ha.

As for everything else with school, I have no idea what is happening. I registered on Monday, but have no clue about anything. I got my ID, my computer name, and school email, but nothing else. Hopefully tomorrow’s department events will shed some light into this whole crazy mess. Till then, I think I should just live up my free time. Besides, all these freshmen across the way from us are always partying. Who doesn’t love drinks?

Disclaimer: I am using an British keyboard with British programs, so everything comes out funny looking. At least most of the keys on the keyboard are in their place. Ha.

end of the road

Today marks the official end of an era. Three and a half years were spent here making friends and learning a lot about myself. I will never forget the lessons I learned here and I will try to carry them with me wherever I go. This past Saturday the ones that I hold near and dear came out to show me support as I embark on my new journey of life. They wished me well and assured me that I was making a wonderful decision. Now that everything is happening so quickly, I am filled with trepidation over my new journey. What if I’m making the wrong choice? I’m probably not, but I sure do wish I didn’t feel so alone in this. I wish I had someone to share this with—not a significant other—just someone. A life coach would come so handy now or at least someone to tell me what to do. Alas, I am on my own with this one. I’m used to it though, but still, you know? Anyhow, now the official rat race begins. I’m down to four days. In these four days, I have to ship those two boxes, buy any essential items (like a converter), pay my phone bill, suspend my phone, pay my credit card bill as well as tie up any loose ends. Ugh! It is going to be a hectic four days.

On other news, a certain someone who I see randomly has stirred up something inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t help but let go. I lose most of my self control and allow myself to be free. If only that feeling/experience was returned, things may be a lot different. I’d still be moving, but it would be a more profound feeling. I guess things will happen the way they are meant to. All in due course, right? Effing course! I want stuff to happen on my own time. Let’s see where this path takes me.

Tons of good memories here

And so I have reached the end of an era. It has been three and a half long, beautiful, and entertaining years at my current place of employment. Within the past three years, I have learned and experienced so much. I definitely leave here with tons of unforgettable memories. Wow, it is a little hard to believe that I won’t be coming to this loft anymore. *pauses to take a breather* I am sure that my desk’s new owner will fill the position just fine—hopefully not too fine. With the upcoming two weeks, I hope to tie up as many lose ends as I can. I still have to open a bank account, have my mail forwarded, ship my computer, arrange for travel arrangement to/from the airports, etc. The list is never ending. I’m surely going to miss this place and all those I have gotten to know throughout the years. They were an awesome extended family to me. I hope nothing but the best for them all.

In the school/degree front, I am getting a little bit nervous. When I was in undergrad, we all had our books weeks before the semester started. We didn’t wait until the last minute –well not all the time—to purchase our books. We were well informed in advance of the classes being offered for the semester, what times they were being held, and who was teaching them. Have I received anything remotely close to knowing anything about the degree or classes? Nope, zilch, and nada! All I received was a little booklet with the classes for the program and a small description of what they were about, not if they were offered in the first term or what necessary materials were needed. I mean, yes, they provided a small list of suggested readings, but no substantial information to let me know if those were the required texts. I am all for a lax environment, but it seems that it is way too lax. Postgraduate studies are hard and I want to be on top of my game with all this. I’m looking to graduate with honors, not thanking the lord baby Jesus for giving me a miracle. Phew, let it go. Focus on the right now.

The only thing that is happening “right now” is my party on Saturday, which I am more than excited to attend. I’m also a little apprehensive about it. I really don’t want to start crying in front of people. Hopefully it will be a good turn out and I won’t feel like I have absolutely no one that cares about me. Also, I really hope it doesn’t rain. It will be a totally bummer seeing as the venue is an outdoor space. Hmmm…..Chupa Chups out! Sorry Mr. Seacrest, I just had to steal your line. 

miss me?

After being gone for about two weeks, I decided to finally update you all on what is happening in my life. Let’s start off with school. I am down to merely days before I have to board the plane. Don’t know if I wrote this already, but my mother refuses to drive me to the airport. (Don’t get me started on that one.) Since she won’t be driving me, I have decided to use her credit card to ship my computer over there—still have to tell her about that one…te-he. Expenses have been slowly creeping up. I now have to pay for my taxi to and from the airports, excess luggage fees, my phone bill, credit card, etc. All these are just eating away at the little savings I had to move. So, I am officially going over there poor. I will have to probably take out more loans to survive until I get a job. I haven’t heard anything about the loan, so I am a bit worried about that. Hopefully all will run smoothly.

As for my personal life, I have planned a farewell gala in my honor on Saturday. I hope all will be able to attend. If not, it’s cool. I have learned (well I’m still learning) how to not be so fragile when people can’t do stuff for me. I hate that I carried so many resentments with me for so many years. This move is in many ways a way for me to just grow more as an individual. Ugh….others are calling.

fast approaching

With only three weeks until my departure from New York, I can confidently say that I am (almost) ready to go. I still have some loose ends to tie, which will hopefully be sorted out soon. Tomorrow I will be picking up my luggage and will try to finish packing as much as possible. As for shipping my stuff, I am still at zero-for-zero with that. On top of getting ready to move, I also have to fix my finances, which by themselves could be a major headache. All-in-all, I am in a good place right now. I will certainly miss every bit of my home town, but I am also looking forward to my break from reality and the world itself.

It is really good to know that if you need some sort of break, school will be there for you. Of course, with tuition prices higher than ever, it is sometimes not the best idea. I am certainly glad that, at this point, I could really care less about the money. I have never really had much of it, so I’m ok with continuing to have my meager wages. This attitude would of course be different if I had someone to care for like a child or a parent, but seeing as I don’t, I’m ok with being the way I am now. One of the best things about not having much is that you (or at least I) get to be very “frugal” when it comes to shopping. I have always lived on the principle that some good research is always necessary when making any kind of purchase or life decision. I, seriously, won’t buy anything unless I’ve mulled it over a million times. I have to take a good look at the price, make sure it’s priced accordingly, ask myself if I really need it, and think of it as a long term investment. After all, no one wants to spend a million dollars on a house built on top of a volcano that is about to erupt, right?

***********

The attainment of a journalistic post by a friend has proven to be quite an asset to my life. Through her daily articles, I am able to get updated information on various political events happening in Eastern Europe, a section of the globe often forgotten by many. Her articles on Eastern Europe are sometimes better than my daytime soap operas. Port Charles, NY, the home-base for General Hospital (GH), an ongoing, six decade long soap opera on ABC, has never given me so much punch as do the articles written by my friend. In recent weeks, General Hospital has included more espionage and mob stories, but nothing compares to the real life action happening all over the globe. Bravo, old girl!

a meltdown, some relief, and another panic attack

This past weekend I had a little meltdown. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this is real. In about three weeks, I am boarding a plane and leaving the only home I’ve ever known. My insecurities of failure and not being able to make it are in full effect. Hopefully they will soon subside, or at least temporarily go away so I can settle in. Today I have to begin to cut ties with my “home base” and I am terrified. Once I do this, there is really no turning back. My security blanket will be put in the wash and I have to survive without it. Thankfully, my mother has decided to provide me with some financial security. She will be giving me a credit card for which to charge necessities, and the best part of all, she will be paying for it. How great is that? (Where was this during undergrad?) Her gesture was kindly appreciated and one I’ll probably be taking up. Well…..my apologies for the short post, but I most run some errands. I’ll try to write something again.

oh where, oh where has my little dog gone......

Welcome all to this new melancholic state of being. Well, I think it is mostly the cold, rainy weather and the fact that my countdown is in full effect. In a little under four weeks, I’ll be moving to another island, a bigger island. Hopefully I’ll be meeting interesting people, growing as an individual, and just enjoying the new stage in my life. Graduate school, I know, is going to be very challenging, but I welcome it. I want to be the best that I can be- thanks US Army for letting me steal your slogan. For the next year, I hope to mellow out, accept my new role in life, and embrace anything new that comes my way. I know I won’t be able to shed all my fears, but I want to try. Gosh darn, I need to try. It is a little sad to think that I’ll be spending the holidays alone, in a different country, on a different continent. Perhaps I’ll book a flight to another country and enjoy seeing the happiness in other people. The only thing that I won’t be to happy with is adopting new rules. The new home will be a motor vehicle- ruled place. A place where taking public transportation is something I may have to think twice about, considering that it cost more than mine now. Also, a place that closes relatively earlier, compared to my precious home’s hours. One of the good things about the new place is that I get free health insurance. For most of my life I’ve had free health insurance, but I have a feeling this one will be better.

Growing up is tough. I’ve tried to avoid it, but I just can’t anymore. I have to do it. I have to become a grown, responsible adult. Partying until the wee hours of the morning every day won’t be as acceptable anymore. Now it is cut back to only about four days out of the week- ha. I’m going to be a “grown” up, but not a bore. Budgeting, personal finances, 401Ks, and mortgages are soon to be words that will creep up my new adult lexicon. Cool, whatever, wicked, and awesome, will sadly have to be used at a minimum.  I’m here world, and I am ready to face everything you have for me.

On a side note, last night I realized that I need to be validated. My compulsive plans and take-over-the-world schemes all seem to need to undergo scrutiny by some other ears for them to be fine by me. I need someone to tell me: “Yes, that is the best way to go about that.” or “No, you need to do it this way”. Unfortunately, few are those who care to listen anymore, so I blog on.

teaching career at 40 or 50 something

I have officially lost the last few marbles that kept me sane. In addition to my needing to know what will become of me in 5-10 years, I am now trying to figure out my 20-40 year plan. Can you say certifiable? I can. It goes without mention that I stress way too much and that, at times, I can become a tad compulsive, but perhaps this takes the cake. Ok, so here is the plan:

I’ll be heavy in debt once I’m done with my masters’ degree (and possibly a JD or PhD), so I’ll have to have a career/job that is all about the Benjamin’s. Because there are so many ways for me to go, I’m still unsure as to which path I’ll take, but whichever one will be all about the money. Of course, I won’t lose touch with my true passions in life, so I’ll try to maintain a private space for these where they can flourish. I’ve decided that no matter what I do, whether I take the poor or rich path, that I will always have and practice my one true passion- anthropology/life/etc.

Once I have paid off my debts, amassed some conformability level, and proceeded to live as full a life as possible, I will then go about teaching anthropology to high school students and prepping them for the world- College and adulthood.

Teachers for low-income neighborhoods are always being sought after, and that is exactly where I want to start and finish—and hopefully have someone continue where I left off. I doubt anthropology is being taught in public schools, but I’m sure I’ll maneuver my way in there; I’ll even teach social studies at the same time. Seeing as I am a product of the public school system and want to teach it, I’m sure that will give me some brownie points. If more is needed it, I’ll try legal tactics or even go to the public.

So the above is my new train of thought. Circumstances and attitudes may change, but the willingness to change the world will always be with me. I’ve never let that go, and doubt I ever will. At this moment in time, I have been seriously disillusioned by human society. It is time for me to stop whining and join their little game. With rolled up sleeves and a face guard (safety first- ha), I’ll through myself in the ring. Will I survive? Who knows, but I’m going to give it all I’ve got.

huh

Early Sunday morning (about 6 or 7am) an unexpected “guest” arrives at the foot of my bed. Yes, the foot of my bed, not at the front door, but the FOOT OF MY BED. Who the hell does that?! Really, who invites themselves over at 7am on a Sunday morning to crash? Are you effing kidding me? Did you fry the little bit of brain cells you had left on Saturday night? You must have to be so abrasive as to show up unannounced in my room while I am still sleeping. I am still amazed how this person could just show up and think it was OK to crash in my bed. I hadn’t spoken to them since Thursday evening and then all of a sudden Sunday morning you show up in my room. Never was there a discussion about you being allowed to do such an act. After realizing what the hell was happening and still in my sleepy stupor, I just moved on over to let them sleep. Four hours later, still a bit fuming about the early morning events, I wake up to shower and come back to some “friendly small talk” from my unexpected visitor. My response: “What the Eff are you doing here?! Don’t do that again!” After I crawled back into bed, the visitor after finally realizing that they were not welcomed, decided to leave quietly. Where in the little pea-sized brain of theirs does this person think it is OK to show up at someone’s doorstep to crash early in the morning? Are you kidding me? Haven’t you ever heard of cabs, hotels, or even calling someone to see if it was OK? Apparently, that was not the rational thinking for that person. In many ways, I felt bad about what I said and the cold manner in which I treated them, but what the hell. How dare you invade my space like that? I never said it was OK for you to just show up in my BEDROOM and crash. This person has one too many times taken my generosity for letting them crash as a free pass. Well, I am so sorry to tell you this, but it isn’t. You still must ask EACH and EVERY time you want to crash! I am pretty sure that they were on that buzzard for at least a few minutes. I never heard it, but my roommate did and let them in thinking I was expecting them. Boy was she wrong.

Anyhow, now I feel sort of bad about the way I handled things and don’t know how to fix them. I have been going back and forth all Sunday about the situation; mainly trying to justify my response and feeling guilty at the same time. Who knows, probably this is the end of our “friendship.”

bubbly and weeds

Would anyone care for a bubbly? Monday nights seem to be a drinking night for me now. Jay and I, after drinking a bottle of champagne, went out to dinner at this cute little Thai place. It was a shame that I could barely eat anything. I love Thai, but their stuff was just not that appetizing. When we got back home we started on the second bottle, which after the first bottle (the more expensive one), seemed a whole lot cheaper and nasty. When I had the cheaper one a few months prior, it seemed fine to me. I guess I am just a cheap gal- ha.

Last night’s events weren’t anything out of the ordinary, just your regular Tuesday workouts and a trip down to the drugstore. The only sucky part that happened yesterday is the death of my pod earphones. They just completely died on me without any warning. For a few months, I swore I was going deaf because I would have to put the volume up high just to hear anything. I guess it is a trip to Best-Buy for me before I head out of the country.

Now we are in the midst of hump day, and I am hoping it will be smooth sailing from here on out. The loft seems pretty empty today, which is great, but also a bit lonely. Hopefully I’ll be able to do what is on my to-do list for Wednesday. I have been seriously slacking on that.

Tomorrow is the Cyclones game, which I am so excited about. I have really not done anything summery this summer. Besides a wedding early on, I have really done nothing. I ditched out on a BBQ and that has been it for me. It seems just like normal days.

On the moving front:

Nothing has been happening since the first few days in August. I received my visa about a week ago. My student loan applications are being processed. I have sent my reply for the dormitory, but still need to pay the deposit. I have yet to book my one-way ticket. I have yet to buy suitcases or figure out what I am going to do with my stuff. I am not back at square one, but feel like I should be getting a move on things; after all it is only a month away.

Tēvzemei un Brīvībai - For Fatherland and Freedom

Anyone know the name of the country across the Baltic from Sweden? Why, it is ye’ good ol’ Latvia. Through some back-and-forth bantering about the recent Dominican day parade, I found some interesting facts about Latvia. The below is what I know so far.

Latvia is an Eastern European country, whose capital is Riga. It is across the Baltic from Sweden. It borders Russia, Lithuania, Estonia, and Belarus (another unknown). Currently it is a democratic state. The current president is Valdis Zalters. The national anthem is “God Bless, Latvia!” A similar statue to our Statue of Liberty is located in their capital city. According to the CIA fact book, there are about 2 million inhabitants. In the US, there are about 10 thousand in New York. And the last fact, a coworker of mine is a descendant of a Latvian.

fantasy world

At an early age, we are taught to imagine wonderful creatures such as mermaids and unicorns so as to develop our imagination skills. From then on, our imagination grows and so do our fantasy worlds. We use these worlds to escape from reality and dream of beautiful (or bad) things. My fantasy world has done just that; provide a safe haven for me to escape to whenever I feel it appropriate to do so. Like, for example, during work. I find that my fantasy world helps the day move along just that much quicker.

In other instances (ones which I will not go into detail), my fantasies have evolved into something slightly scary—I don’t mean scary in a very bad way, but it is most certainly something that Christians wouldn’t approve of. It is scary to think that these are the things I come up with on my own, which leads me to believe that given a compatible person, my fantasies will truly evolve into something major. Please don’t be frightened, the fantasies I am referring to are about power, wealth, etc. It is just crazy to even phantom how much more evolved I would be in that sense with another individual who shared my interests. We could totally rule the world together; of course, eventually I wouldn’t be able to share power.

Well, these are just a few of the thoughts that came to me today. I just wanted to put them down to remind my future-self of how I used to be.

Onward with hump day.

ode to the future

There is a point in one’s life when they decide to stop taking crap from people. When this certain point has been reached, the standards by which they measure others and how they allow others to treat them becomes somewhat raised. They see the error of their ways and decide to take a stand against any future wrongdoings. Well, for me, that point has been almost fully reached. I deserve better than what I have been given. The hand dealt to me by the universe is by no means easy, but it doesn’t mean I have to eat the crap and like it. I refuse to let people walk all over me and take it for fear that I won’t get anything better. Gosh darn it; I am smart, open-minded, and gorgeous! I can have anything I set my mind to, and I shouldn’t let people treat me like crap. I am a human being, just like everyone else, and I will get the respect that is due to me as such.

This past year, I learned that I am somebody. Someone who deserves great things in life, and that should be surrounded by awesome people. I learned that it is not okay to excommunicate people if they have wronged you. I am by no means justifying people’s actions, but I am not going to let their actions control me. If they have harmed me in any way, I need to speak up and tell them so. If they continue to do so, then clearly that is not a great relationship and something that needs to be ended. I need to forgive and let it go. Holding onto things will only harm me. I need to remember to keep the focus on myself.

Keeping the focusing on me is one of the most important things I have done because it just keeps me in balance. Instead of worrying about what others think, feel, and do, I am just continuing to focus on my life. Whatever they have happening with them, is their issue, not mine. I cannot save the world nor can I control it either. The only person I can do that with is me. I have a bright future in front of me. I have a few ideas of what I want to do with my life, and I am figuring out what I don’t want. My life will by no means be perfect, but I am going to try to have as much serenity and happiness as possible. Serenity now! Ha.

In conclusion to the ode to life, I honestly believe that somehow I was always given a glimpse into my future. The logistics of how to make it there were not clearly laid out, and I guess that’s what life is all about the logistics and enjoying your road. My road has taught me some good life lessons and has provided me with a toolbox to combat the next stage in life. All I know is that I have always been shown my future, how I get there is a different story, but I will get there.

“So it is written, so shall it be.”

hail the queen

I am officially able to enter and live in England for a year. I am not exactly sure about the terms of my visa, but I have one. Ironically, it has been one of the fastest things I have gotten, although I’m not too sure why it is impossible for other people. (Perhaps it is political or something of that nature.) At any rate, I have it and will try to make the best of it. I really cannot wait to embark onto the next stage of my life.

With my departure only a few weeks away, I am more scared, nervous, and excited than ever. Firstly, I am scared because it is a whole new country with new rules and new everything. It will definitely be somewhat of a culture shock, especially the school system. God, I really hope everything goes well for me over there. As for the nervous and excited, it has been a long time coming and I just can’t wait. I can just picture the new adventures I will be having. Getting lost in the streets, learning that it is not ok to talk crap about the queen mum or the higher-ups, and every other little thing there is – even that not being able to really tip part is a bit weird, but not as weird as calling bathrooms/restrooms toilets.

Besides the little things, I am really excited to be heading off to another part of the world to live. The only thing now is the actual move. Yikes. I just hate moving. I hate it with a passion. Oh man, I am surely going to miss my family and the little bit of good friends I have. The boys they are bountiful, but the friends those are very few.

Switching the subject, my mouth is in total recovery mode. I am a few gum flaps away from being back at normal. I really hope they go away because the surgeon already wants to go back in there with a scalpel. Jeez, these damn doctors sure do love to cut right away.

Weekend Update:

Went to the movies with Angie this weekend and saw The Simpson’s and SiCKO. I loved them both. Much to my great satisfaction, the Simpson’s movie wasn’t at all what I expected; it was pure genius. The writers definitely deserve applauses and a standing ovation.

Jay decided to cut his hair this weekend, and I had the pleasure of doing it. In the end, he just shaved the whole thing off. It doesn’t look too bad, but I loved his long hair, it had so much potential. Perhaps this new look will give him the encouragement he needs.

counting down...

The official countdown has begun….

--two people have handed in their letters of resignation at work; one even left after a few days
--had my wisdom teeth removed and I’m in full recovery mode
--received my dorm acceptance letter and I mailed the reply –too bad that I received it on the 30th and they wanted the reply by the 3rd
--the loan application process began on August 1st and the school had my application weeks in advance
--last night I received an email from the consulate telling me that my visa was approved
--paid my last month of rent and received my security deposit
--sent pre-party invites

Finally, things are happening. No longer am I facing the dullness of just coming home and putting on the boob tube. Now I have something to look forward to, a new adventure in a different “world”. There are so many emotions running through me and I love it. I’m definitely going to miss my beautiful city, especially since I’ve never left for longer than a few weeks. Hopefully this experience will help me grow and finally accept life. Oh man, I wonder how it’s going to be over there. I cannot believe I am this excited at the prospect of moving. Personally, moving is my least favorite thing.

Life, besides this whole moving thing, is going swell. I cannot complain much. Jay and I have had several Weeds marathon nights, which I am surely going to miss once I’m gone. What I am most excited about, though, is that Crin and Jay have quit smoking. I’m so proud of my little kermuffins. I really hope that great things happen to them while I’m gone. They definitely deserve it. Hopefully, my little Crinny will be the director and Jay will be sure of what he wants out of life. I really hope they both find great people that appreciate them for how wonderful they are.

……

wheel needs to start spinning

Almost a week has passed since the extraction, and I am feeling a whole lot better- of course, minus the hairball stuck in my throat. These damn stitches need to come out. It feels like I need to braid these damn things. Yuck! I am actually quite relieved that I finally did the procedure. Hopefully there will be no more nightmares of my teeth falling out now. Phew!

Last night I had a nice mellow evening. Headed to midtown for a quick stop, did a little shopping on Lexington, and the rest of the night couched it out. After the GH mini-marathon, Jay and I had a Weeds marathon. I can’t wait until the third season begins. Apparently business is booming for Nancy and Conrad.

Update…..

I am down to my last few weeks in the city so I have to make them count. So far, I have zilch planned for a vacation. The only thing I have managed to accomplish is send out my visa application-- too bad I haven’t paid for it because I am so damn broke. Other than that, I have managed to pump myself up for the year after school. I am finally on the money train. I want to make lots of it and live a very comfortable life. I’m tired of living on pasta every night. Still need to get a new pair of glasses and order new contacts. Have to get in more doctors appointment. Honestly, I have never met a person who likes to keep up to date with doctor visits….dentist appointments are a whole new story. Ugh! I have so much to do and so little time. It’s down to the wire so I need to get the ball rolling faster.

Did I mention that Cead and Darwin have abandoned me without saying goodbye? 

all four at one time

This past Friday, I had all my wisdom teeth removed. There was relatively minor pain, but major swellling. I looked like a chipmunk. It is now about four days post-op and my gums are starting to gnaw. Perhaps it's the stitches or just the fact that it seems the surgeon sewed my checks to my gums, but it is a bit irritating. The one and only thing I am glad about is that this is a one-time thing.

On a different note, my mind was a little wanderish today. I went to work for a few hours and that was cool. I caught up on things and then dashed. Jay and I had a Snapped marathon and slept the rest of the afternoon- a sort of perfect evening. Also, i received a letter from the dorms letting me know about my housing and that I had to return the acceptance letter by Friday. Um, hello, it is dated the 16th and it arrived on the 30th. There is absolutely no way it will get to you in a few days. Talk about snail mail. We need to speed up this mail service thing.

I'm off for some more rest -- god lets hope my mom doesn't decide on an early morning check up again.

to the rest of those i loved

Monday has turned out to be a gloomy and rainy day. Normally I would be ecstatic because it would mean jammies and ice cream, but not today. I just feel like blah.

The weekend wasn’t too bad. Nick came down to visit. It was cool getting to know him, and seeing how much he and Jay still liked each other. If only all break-ups could be that way. Alas, they aren’t. After Nick left, Jay was super sad. I felt bad for the kid. Break-ups are never easy, but he is confident he made the right decision.

Speaking of break-ups, I saw Brian (or at least I think I did). He was wearing a plaid shirt. YUCK! What is he a farmer? Well plaid isn’t too bad, but he just didn’t look too good in it. Besides, what is he doing wearing plaid to work? Albeit he owns the company (or whatever), he should still dress up a bit. At least, he should dress up for his one and true love, Sandy. Hmm….perhaps she strung him along again to devastate him? Oh well…it is none of my concern anymore. That period in my life is SO over with.

What is my concern is the rest of my life and figuring out what to do with it. I have a good twenty or even thirty years to kill. What should I do? Become an astronaut, a teacher, a farmer, a coal mine engineer? Hmm….I haven’t a clue. What I do now is that I need to seriously think about it and get on with it. I have wasted too much time waiting for the answer to just come to me. I need to be more proactive in the things I do.

To infinity and beyond…….

a spurt of goodness

With high spirits, I am looking forward to my future. I am taking a somewhat proactive approach to make something of myself. (Actually, to make myself into the person I always knew I could be.) The sluggish approach I have been taking these past few years have done absolutely nothing for me except keep me in a state of despair. I am well tired with it and I want to move on.

While girls my age were painting their nails and keeping their dresses clean, I was handed expensive suits and told to fill them – well not specifically told, but what do you expect when you have more suits than dresses in your closet. The things in life I want, to quote the Bridiot Vicki Beckham, “are major”, well not big, big, but not what I was accustomed to growing up. I have given up the dream of having a mansion on acres upon acres of land. Instead, I am trading in my Malibu dream house for a loft or brownstone. City dwelling is where it is at for me. On top of the city home, I also want a lake house or winter cabin. Not too much to ask for, right?

I can make these things happened, I know I can. After all, look at my current track record. I have managed to survive and live in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

To be continued…..

oh the grief

Bettasitting:

Darwin is grieve-stricken over the lack of interest from his mother, Shannon.

Darwin, the betta fish, has dug himself in his usual rock and refuses to come out. His stares have become quite empty and sad. I can see he mourns for the love of his mother, Shannon - who has returned today, and has yet to visit him. Today I assured him that he could stay with me for as long as he desired, but, it did not provide him solace, for he remains under his rock. Throughout the day, I tried to entice him to some merry games, but his playful demeanor was a bit down-in-the-dumps. At some point in the day, he gave me a sort of melancholic stare – I honestly thought he might commit suicide, and now I see why his brother, Harold, “killed” himself. It broke my heart.

self-realization

It has come to my attention, in reality my self-realization, that I am jaded when it comes to the opposite sex. Here I thought I was one of the most biased-free people in the world, and I am just like all those judgmental – filled with hatred – people. Throughout the past few months, there have been incidents and research that have shown me the way of my errors. Like most people, my disdain for the opposite sex began with my mother’s innuendos about my father and men in general. It took me over two decades to realize that the only reason I never gave my father a chance was because my mother and family spoke badly of him. He literally died yearning for the love of his daughter, and instead got years of a rock-hard cold shoulder. In many ways, I am brought to shame by my research, but hopeful that I can remedy the situation.

On a similar note and to add to this whole phallic-hating self-realization, I am beginning to question how I can go through with my studies. I have been reading quite a few articles and have yet to spot much female-bashing. It all just seems very scientific. Most of the specimens I have read about do not distinguish between the sexes – although there are few mentions of sexual dimorphisms, these are very minimal. I could argue for a clear distinction, but it would seem like a tougher and futile fight. Besides agreeing with my original hypothesis on how specimens are normally assumed male, I must say, there is barely anything else I could mention that would be worthwhile. I’m hoping that somehow with the impending year of study, I will have more knowledge to approach my thesis.

On to personal stuff:

On my self-realization cruise, I concluded that I need to establish myself as individual before I let myself get consumed with a fella. By this I mean that I need to acquire some of the things I believe will build my “foundation.” If I have a good and sturdy foundation, I can maybe have a chance at life and a relationship. I won’t feel so inadequate when I am dating someone because I don’t have what they do. Yes, I am well aware that material things don’t mean everything, but it sure does help make you feel better. At least for me, I want to have things by my own volition. I really don’t want anyone – not only a guy – claiming to have created me into what I am. I want to establish myself as the individual I want to be.

Bettasitting update:

Darwin looks deader by the second. He is a funny character, I’ll give you that. This morning he saw it fit to stare at me for minutes on in. I don’t know if he was looking for a glimpse of Shannon in me or wondering who this big-headed alien was staring back at him. He did mange to freak me out a few times. His stares did a get a bit creepy.

fishsitting

Fish are wonderful little creatures. They provide you with minutes of entertainment and are easily taken care of. For the next two days, I will be fishsitting Shannon’s Betta, Spike –who I have taken the liberty to rename Darwin. So far, I believe I have done a good job. I fed him early this morning. He did look a little jittery, sort of like he was hooked on caffeine. I was a little worried because that’s how my fish normally look, and that is never a good sign to me. Throughout the morning, his spunk has quickly dwindled. At times, he looks a bit dead. I know that most Bettas look like this, but Darwin had himself folded and we all know that’s also not a good sign. Shannon did mention that he likes to burry himself in the rocks, and boy was she right. He really LOVES to get down in there. Darwin is one weird fish, cute but weird. He is definitely weird. What does he do in there? Haha. In many ways, he is one funny fish. Oh well!

Bastille Day was yesterday and I totally didn’t do anything to commemorate the event. I LOVE Bastille Day! For the past few years, I’ve celebrated it al Frenchie style. What a major bust this year! Hopefully for the next Bastille Day, I can be celebrating it in France.

In other news, I was up and doing my thing again this weekend. I guess once a party animal, always a party animal. It really is like riding a bike, you just never forget. My entourage and I went to Agozar, Ron’s Bar, and Aura. We totally knocked them dead wherever we went. V was out doing her hair toss, Kevin was two-stepping it like nobody’s business, and Natasha and I were, of course, dancing it up on the couches. Sean and the other kid were mellow-yellows at times, but they had their moments. Naveed joined Nat and I most of the time. Overall, it was a classic experience.

Now, it is Monday, and another grueling work week. I guess I should be counting down my days, but I’m not. I’m a little scared, sad, and excited to heading out. Change is something I need – actually, I would say way overdue. Ugh! I have too much to do to prep. Don’t know if I can do all the countries on my list for South America now, so that’s a major bummer. Still haven’t gotten my student visa. I’m waiting on the loan letter. Also, I’m still waiting on the dorm acceptance letter. UGH! One day at a time I guess. One day!

almost time

At the present moment, my crisis has somewhat mellowed down. No longer am I struggling to know what’s going to happen next – well not entirely. I am all about living in the moment again. During the last few weeks of the summer, instead of enjoying my beautiful city- New York, I will be backpacking my way through South America. In reality, I will be traveling to about three to four countries. Since I will be on limited time, I want to make the most out of it. I’m still debating on whether to fly into Quito, Ecuador and trek my way down to Lima, Peru or start in Lima and go down to Cuzco, Peru. Once I have maneuvered myself from the west coast of the continent, I plan to travel southeast to beautiful Argentina for a nice relaxing week dancing tango. Hopefully, I am able to do all this and still have money to eat. Although, now I am somewhat debating on just doing one or two countries so I won’t be so poor when I get back. Unfortunately, I will be trekking on my own, so it will be somewhat expensive. Besides paying for my flight to South America, my hostels, food, and other things, I also need to book my flight to London. Ugh! This is going to be tough considering that I am going to need to find a job immediately because funds will be desperately low. Hmmph! Maybe I should reassess my journey this summer.

On another note, the teacher contacted me last week. I was incredibly shocked and quite frustrated. How dare he? He sent another apologetic text. Really what the heck is that for? Since you sent it at around one am, I am assuming you must’ve been drunk. Honestly, what does he expect from me now. I can’t say that I am completely over it or him, but I am about 60-70 % there. It’s been over a month: from holiday to holiday – Memorial Day until July Fourth. It is a bit ironic how in that month I just picked up and traveled to another country. Guess I am back to my old self.

Enough about that incident, the next order of business is getting me moved. Now that is going to be a little tricky considering that I haven’t submitted my visa application. According to the US loans assistant, I need to get the “letter” to submit to the consulate. I still giggle at the prospect of having to get a visa. At first, I was like Visa is just a credit card. Ha. Boy, oh boy, how secluded we live from the rest of the world. Oh gosh, my only worldly possessions are: a red bookcase, a queen-sized bed with a full-size mattress, a television set with a DVD player, two little blue side things, over twenty pairs of shoes, a ginormous closet full of clothes, books that weigh about one ton, and boxes of memories. The bed and red bookcase, which I love, I am hoping to leave here to loan to C until I get back. As for the little blue things, they can be tossed or given away. I am also hoping to leave the television and DVD as a loaner to C. Guess I’ll have to carry suitcases for all my shoes, clothes, and books. Should I take the boxes of memories?

Memories and my heart are the two major things I’ll be leaving behind in this amazing city. The city I have grown-up in ALL of my life. The only existence I have known is this one. But, like all good things, I must move on. Staying here will only keep me stagnant. I need to face the next step in my life. I need to finally have that future I always knew I was meant to have. Joy, laughter, tears, pain, anguish, etc. have all been experienced here and it is truly the end of a chapter for now. Please know that I’ll always love you and that you are my one and only true love. Until tomorrow New York, you’ll be deeply missed.

traveling through

I’m having many thoughts today, so I figured I would write them down.

South America:

In a mere few weeks, I will hopefully be in South America perfecting my Spanish and Portuguese. The details are not ironed-out as of yet, but hopefully soon they will be. A quick price check at Kayak.com tells me that the best country to fly into is Ecuador. Once there, I plan to stay about two or three days. My next stop will be Peru, followed by Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay, and concluding in Brazil. Realistically looking at things, I believe my best bet is to leave out either Uruguay or Paraguay because I will only be done there for three weeks or so. I’m actually quite excited to be doing a trip like this. I want to really “rough it” – to an extent, of course. Stack on my big backpack with my sleeping bag and prepare to sleep under the stars with the wild animals. I’m planning to climb the Andes, visit the Amazon (would totally love to see the Yanamamo), visit Macchu Picchu, dance tango, and go rafting in Peru, among other things. Unfortunately, my research tells me that, because the Galapagos is such a tourist attraction, it is also a very expensive place to visit – maybe next time. Reading about it and preparing for it makes me more excited. For the most part of my life, traveling has been a major goal – visit as many places as possible. Thus far, I have been to following:

- Rome (Italy)
- Florence (Italy)
- Bologna (Italy)
- Milan (Italy)
- Brescia (Paspardo and some other towns in Valle Camonica)
- London (UK)
- Dominican Republic (DR)
- Vail (CO)
- Denver (CO)
- Las Vegas (NV)
- Miami (FL)
- Greensboro (NC)
- D.C.
- Philadelphia (PA)
- Poconos (PA)
- Bushkill Falls (PA)
- Oswego (NY)
- Chappaqua (NY)
- Geneva (NY)
- Plattekill (NY)
- Kingston (NY)
- Boston (MA)
- New Haven (CT)
- Point Pleasant/Jersey Shore, West New York, Paramus, Paterson (NJ)
- Stopped in random parts of VA and MD

Considering that not many people can afford much, I have surely seen plenty. I am fortunate to have seen these things and should be very grateful.

Let’s see where I stand with my list.

Bold Places I've been
Italics places that will be completed with this trip.

1- London, United Kingdom
2- Wales, United Kingdom
3- Dublin, Ireland
4- Shannon, Ireland
5- Lisbon, Portugal
6- Madrid, Spain
7- Barcelona, Spain
8- Marbella, Spain
9- Andalucia, Spain
10- Amsterdam, The Netherlands
11- Belgium, Brussels
12- Frankfurt, Germany
13- Nice, France
14- Paris, France
15- Monaco
16- Rome, Italy
17- Venice, Italy
18- Parma, Italy
19- Florence, Italy
20- Sicily, Italy
21- Alps, Switzerland
22- Warsaw, Poland
23- Athens, Greece
24- Norway
25- Sweden
26- Finland
27- Russia
28- Prague
South America
29- Caracas, Venezuela
30- Quito, Ecuador
31- Galapagos, Ecuador
32- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
33- Lima, Peru
34- Santiago, Chile
35- Andes Mountains, Chile
36- Argentina
Central America
37- Honduras
38- Panama
39- Costa Rica
40- Guatemala
Australia
41- Sidney
42- Melbourne
North America
43- Cozumel, Mexico
44- Cancun, Mexico
45- Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
46- Acapulco, Mexico
47- Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
48- Cabos San Lucas, Mexico
49- Playa de Las Mujeres, Mexico (I think that is what its called)
50- Montreal, Canada
51- Quebec, Canada
52- Toronto, Canada
53- Vancouver, Canada
54- Nova Scotia, Canada
55- Los Angeles, CA
56- San Francisco, CA
57- San Diego, CA
58- Juno, Alaska
59- Phoenix, Arizona
60- Aspen, CO
61- Vail, CO
62- Maui, HI (we can crash with Josh)
63- New Orleans, LA
64- Maine
65- New Jersey (ha!)
Asia
66- East Timor
67- Java, Indonesia
68- Bali, Indonesia
69- Singapore
70- Malaysia
71- Cambodia
72- Thailand
73- Laos
74- Sir Lanka
75- India (of course)
76- Vietnam
77- China
78- Japan
Middle East
79- Israel (after the wars---which will be never)
80- Pakistan
81- Turkey
82- Iran
83- Petra, Jordan (def. need to see the lost city of stone)

In essence, once I go to SA, I would have crossed out six more places from my list.

at new heights

New heights have been reached in this post-teacher phase, i.e., I have succumbed to ye ol’ high school tricks. I won’t clarify which one just in case “big brother” is watching or perhaps the teacher himself. (Isn’t it lovely to be so paranoid in this world?) It has gotten so bad that I have now recruited other people to help me. These high school hijinks should have been out of my system by now, but they aren’t. In my defense, I didn’t do enough of them in high school so I definitely have some in me to spare. But, one day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, I will out grow this and grow up. The famous and eternal love optimist, Ms. Charlotte York aka Mrs. Trey McDougal aka Mrs. Harry Goldenblatt, once said that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over him. I am seriously hoping she is right because I don’t know how much of this I can take. Some days I am totally normal and other days I am just spirally out of control. The best thing that came out of this is that I am not longer as scared to fall “in love” as I once was. Shockingly, I am not as distraught as I thought I would be. The feelings and hurt were there, but the one good thing that came out of it was hope. I now have hope that one day I can share my life with someone. Few are the days spent dreading any emotional connection with another individual. Now I actually welcome it. I guess I have finally reached a point where I am OK with trying and failing. Please believe that that is a huge shocker for me. Any pain, even the most minimal, will send me recoiling to my former self. I am now willing, and hopeful, when it comes to facing the world.

One of the single most helpful things I do when I am in pain or feeling out of it, is to work on myself as an individual. By working on the things I want and need, I distract myself from my pain. I try my hardest to keep the focus on myself and not get consumed with the emotions. In many ways, it is a positive approach, but I have come to the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to give out a good cry. After all, experiencing the gloomy emotions help you grow more as an individual. I believe the saying goes like this: “to know love is to know pain”. Alls I know is that pain sucks and that somehow you can’t escape it. By knowing pain is that you learn to enjoy and appreciate the other things in your life. So, I know I will never escape pain, but perhaps now I can learn to live with it better.

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m mad and frustrated. Why? I don’t know. I don’t want to effing look into it. I just want to be mad. Since I’m not in a good place right now, why the eff won’t people leave it at that. Why does there have to be something deeper? Well, let’s see, for starters, my life isn’t always peachy. The boy is gone, had a not-so-good meeting with Katie, people call me to effing sleep with me, my boss is a control freak, etc. The list goes on and on. Leave me the fuck ALONE! I don’t want to delve into my inner thoughts to find out why I am fucked up. I’m just FUCKED UP! UGH! ARGH! FUCK! ($(%)&_#$%_(#)($)(#)$(_(#)$%)

an eventful weekend

Nine in the morning and where am I? Why doing laundry. I thinks I may have grown up just a tad. For some reason, waking up early during the weekends (which usually means stepping outside at around 11) makes me feel good. The day just turns out better. I feel more productive than ever. If only work allowed the same comforts. Alas, it doesn’t and by 9:30 I must be seated at the torture chamber. I am especially proud of myself this morning because I am somewhat organized. The plan goes as follows:

Wake up at around 8 or 9 to do laundry
Be at midtown by 11:15
After midtown head on over to the folks’ place
Seeing as the folks take forever, either stay with them or head on over for
Some nice horseback riding
By 6 or 7 head back home for Dorothy’s birthday soiree
9:30 – 10:00 be at the soiree
10 and beyond, party the night away

Seems like an awesome plan if I do say so, and I do say so.

Tomorrow, although sucker-free, I planned to have brunch with Katie and a late lunch with Dee. Before and after, I have planned absolutely nothing. They don’t call it sucker-free for nothing.

As for my loss, it still hurts, but I am slowly getting better day-by-day. Last night, I didn’t expect anything, and I was fine. I rented Volver and Catch & Release and enjoyed them – well not so much Catch & Release, I totally expected more.

For now, I must be off. Have to get ready for midtown. Until we meet again.

exhaling

Dwelling on a loss isn’t good. Yes, I am still in mourning over the loss of the teacher. Sometimes I just can’t help but try to figure out what went wrong. The only logical explanation I came up with is that it all started going down hill the day I asked him to be exclusive. Perhaps I hurt some male ego or asked him for something he couldn’t give. Folks it wasn’t a kidney, but I understand. As I explained to him, I just wanted something more but not an all out love affair. From what I could remember, ever since that day everything just got sour. After all, we only lasted about three more weeks after that. I was definitely disillusioned and something changed in me. I guess something changed in him as well. Who truly knows? I sure as hell don’t. For now, I will pretend it was just that. I won’t entertain the fact that he met someone and started getting serious. If that was the case, I am definitely no one to judge because towards the end I was dating two other guys. It just saddens me to see how something so great fell so quickly. I know what your next question is going to be. Well, if it was that great, why did it fail? It was great for me because it was the first time I trusted and let my guard down. Yes, he wasn’t all I wanted and I am sure I wasn’t all he wanted. It was a fairy tale two months. I am starting to let go. I’m exhaling…..

revealing dreams

Unexpectedly, I am being ushered into a room, where dozens of students are hard at work on tests, to take a standardized test I didn’t study for or even know I was scheduled to take. As I am being sat down at my desk, I look around the room at the giggling faces and wonder what the hell I am doing in there. In the back of the room, way across to the other side, I see a very familiar silhouette, it was the teacher. Wearing his usual attire, blue-hooded sweatshirt and jeans, I notice his eyes meet mine. I felt a stir in my stomach, was it the breakfast I didn’t have or the pain I felt because we weren’t together anymore? Who knows, but I decided to approach him. He stands up and looks as dashing as ever. As I come closer, the room begins to move around. I’m being pushed in the opposite direction. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Here I am being told I have to take a test and all I want to do is go to the teacher and perhaps confront him.

Scene Two:
I am in another room and the teacher appears. This time he is not alone. He is accompanied by some dark-haired girl named April. He tells me he likes her and that they are “involved”. Naturally, I assume that she is the reason our “thing” ended. It hurt to see them together, but at the same time I felt some peace of mind to know the why. Many things happened and it seemed I had yet another chance with him.

The only reason I remember any part of these dreams is because I woke up to pain, anguish, and heartache. During the day, I busy myself with work or other productive things. I try my hardest to suppress any feelings I may have towards the teacher. If it wasn’t for these dreams, I doubt I will ever know how much this situation has affected me. Ironically, a few months ago, I dreaded this moment and thought it would devastate me. So far, it hasn’t turned out too bad. It still hurts, but not as badly as I thought it would.

Anyway, I am glad I am dealing with this situation in one way or another. Hopefully, writing out my feelings and my dreams will help me out in the long run.

he is just not that into you....thanks Greg

It has come to my attention that certain guys can truly be scum. Now don’t get me wrong because I don’t believe this true for all; however, the ones I date can certainly be. After a somewhat lucrative dating month (May), June has turned out to be a rather slow one for me. Better yet, I should say that it has started off horribly. I welcomed the first weekend of June in London where I was visiting Chris, trying to forget teach, and just escaping. Almost all three of my purposed reasons for going turned out to be disastrous. Not only was Chris just himself, but I was still having trouble forgetting about the teacher. On top of Chris being himself, the last night I was there I was made to feel horrible about myself and my self-worth. Chris brought a lovely girl home that night which he had planned to shag. Yes, you’ve heard correctly. He obviously suffered from momentary amnesia if he thought he could so easily bring a girl home while I was crashing. Nevertheless, I am sure that his plans to shag her were completely ruined by my presence there. Thank the lord baby Jesus for that one. I would have been completely mortified to hear their “love” making in action. Truly, how insensitive of a person could you be to bring a girl home knowing that a girl you once shagged is crashing for the weekend? At any rate, besides the incident with Chris, I had a lovely time in London. Now I am facing my second weekend sort of broke and sadden by the lack of interest from the teacher. I guess it goes to show you that guys are just guys. If they were truly into you, than they would be on you like a bad skin rash. In the infamous words of Greg, “He is just not that into you”, and that is what I have to keep telling myself. So, to remedy my sadness I will be taking my plastic out for a spin. It will buy me a new outfit this weekend. Thanks Amex! You sure do make a girl feel great!

adios

In memory of fallen soldiers and those who fought for our democracy, the US has dedicated a day to commemorate all their efforts and to show them how much we thank them; this day is known to us all as Memorial Day. For as long as I can remember, this day (or weekend) has also commemorated the beginning of the summer season. During this past weekend as we remembered our soldiers by strutting our summer outfits on the beach, I enjoyed our empty streets by walking around aimlessly like a tourist. This weekend also marked the end of what was a beautiful two month courtship. Yes, you’ve read correctly. It has officially been five days since I last heard from teach so as history has told me that means it is officially over. I can’t say I remember exactly what it was that ended it but it is over. The last memory of the teach I have is him walking off to work in his blue shirt and the deli man asking me if I was on my way to work. Never did I think that that was the last I would be seeing of him but alas it is. I cannot say that I am not disheartened by how the situation turned out or that I am not sad because I am. Incidents like this relationship with the teach are what keep me cynical to the world of relationships. How am I supposed to trust, love or feel anything for anyone when this keeps happening? How am I supposed to constantly let me guard down to find that right one? I don’t want to feel hurt or any type of pain as I am sure no one does either. For me it is completely different though. Instead of allowing myself to seek out that wonderful love, I shut down every time this happens. I am beginning to think that one day I just won’t open my thick, cold stone walls again. Sadly this is my story and my life. I cannot do anything but keep living and focusing on the only thing that I can control—school. Adios teach.

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